Scary Outcome by Chris (blazedphoenix) - Short, Horror - Danny Johnson was once a recruit in the Army untill himself and two colleagues find themselves being dissmissed and forced to leave for not dissengaging an order, only to find out his brother has vanished somewhere on the isle of white, Danny recruits his real life friends to discover the truth, not knowing what they are in for. A mysterious entity, a pack of werewolves, and an escaped convict.. what more can you not ask for.. 46 pages - pdf, format 8)

First of all you premise is a long one, cut it down to it's basics. Give us something to stir our interest not the entire story. In your first line of the premise you spell dismissed and disengaging wrong.

Also I believe you meant the Isle of Wight, not the isle of white.

The title should only be present on the very first page "title page", followed by who wrote it,

You action gets sloppy at times.

"James Johnson drinking a sip of water and throwing the water
over his head to cool himself down."

and the bit after that should be, Carlos shouts from across the courtyard.

There are a lot of problems within the first 2 pages.

Cya guys?  This is more like texting language, not a good idea to use them in a screenplay.

It seems pointless to mention his other friends at all, they don't have names or an identity. Do they leave or something at the end of the scene or what? James says see ya and all they do is nod.

You need to read some scripts so you can get an idea of how to write action that flows.

Hotel clerk turns to the key hanger, behind him on the wall.
Hotel clerk spending time at the key hanger.
Hotel clerk turning around.

and

Cleo Montgomery runs of towards her sister Sarah Davis
James Johnson watches
Cleo Montgomery whispers in Sarah Davis's ear
Sarah Davis starts to giggle.
James Johnson turns back around to the Hotel Clerk

In this scene you have James talking with the clerk and then all of a sudden we fade in to the same scene?  You don't even need a scene heading here, just tell us that two girls have entered the lobby.

There are some strange things about these girls too, first of all you say that they are friends but then go on to call them sisters. If they were sisters then I think their last names will be the same but they aren't.

I didn't finish this simply becuase I couldn't, this whole thing just didn't flow well enough for me to finish. The main character who I know realize to be Danny doesn't appear until right before the middle of the story. I suggest you start off where the vanishing has already taken place and Danny is finding out. This way we can easily know who the central character is and not waste our time reading events that we didn't need to know.

please note!

This isn't the final draft there were problems which have already been reckonized with which you have put i.e grammer, typos etc.

The script was supposed to of been taken down, which wasn't. there is a rewritten draft in proggress...different story, same characters.
sorry for inconveniance ;]

It's all fine blazedpheonix

Thought this was a new one, cause it says it was posted at 9:18 today

I'll keep an eye out for the next draft whenever it gets finished.

"A mysterious entity, a pack of werewolves, and an escaped convict.. what more can you not ask for.. "

For you to not give away the entire plot within your log-line. If you can even call it that...

The only thing "Scary" in this entire script is how badly it flowed and how out of sync it was at times. The action slugs were tossed together with the care of a blind chef and the dialogue was as stiff as a shot of Jack.

The story, which you say isn't the real story and have another draft, flows at about mach 10... You have no build or intrigue driving your story. You've given every player at the table your hand before the game even started.  I want to see the new draft just to see if it's an improvement over this one.

Edit -

This script seemed familiar to me. Or at least the intro did... but I can't place why. I know I never read it before. Did you post an excerpt from it or something in a coming soon thread?

Also, you go into great detail about the setting and where we are at. That's not screenwriting. Very general descriptions. Blunt, crude and to the point. That is screenwriting. Visual to the point of flaw... Screenwriting isn't grammatical correctness. (hell, I don't think correctness is even a word) It's not art and it's not literature. If it was you'd see tons and tons of screenplays hitting the New York best sellers list... Less detail in a more visual way.  Don't ask me how to do it, you're the writer you should know how to.

hey thanks for replying...it doesn't surprise me to get bad comment's as this draft isn't final and nowhere near.

i posted the first few pages similiar to the rewrite i am working on, on the unfinished scripts section of this site...maybe you saw it there??