A Friend For George by Harriet Barbir - Short, Drama - A young boy saves his bully (7 pages ) - pdf, format 8)

***AS ALWAYS, I TELL WHAT'S GOING ON***


First action could be crisper. perfect set up for dialogue between the bullies and Amir, but Amir just forks out money.

I'm going to guess English is not your first language.

Eight years old, yes, I can see George being his best friend.

You could tell me what worry beads are.

In the car, Amir sets a towel on the seat. I didn't know he held one. I thought he held an "evil eye."

During the pool scene, there is some real frantic stuff going on. So your action text should convey that. You need to use verbs than convey that urgency of the situation. It's boring the way you write this and what is happening is not boring.

You say Joseph is too heavy for Amir, but Joseph is underwater and Amir has flippers. That doesn't add up. Amir could easily move Joseph.

The part where everyone claps for Amir...not working. For one, Amir did not pull Joseph out of the water, the Pool Attendant did, so Amir performed no heroics. From what you wrote, nobody could see under water, so they could not even see that Amir even tried.

The pool spectators probably have no idea that Amir was bullied by Joseph, however it would have more impact if the spectators at the pool knew that Joseph had Amir in his crosshairs.

The whole thing is about Amir saving a kid who bullied to him; Amir turns the other cheek. For this to have more impact, the begining needs to be set up better. Joseph needs to be more of a bad guy. Joseph needs to taunt Amir and Amir must have more at stake. Amir he has to lose, not the image of losing, but really losing and we need to see it. You could ditch the parent thing, because it's not important. What is important is Amir being a kid of intergrity at age 8. Amir suffers at the hand of Joseph and then saves Joseph. That's the moral of the story.

The George thread works.

those are heavy looking sonzabitches

Harrietb...

Read your short.

When you first introduced Amir you mentioned his age already.  Why mention it again in page #3?  Is it just a typo?

Page#5, some of your formatting seem to be alittle off.  What type of screenwriting software do you use?

You also need to be more consistant.  Some headings you have underlined and others you don't.  Unless you want to emphasize something, I wouldn't underline anything.  

Some of your writing needs to be tighten up a bit.  Take this...

"Jack nudges her as sees Amir climb out of the pool."  

How about... Jack nudges Rana as Amir climbs out of the pool.

I was so busy looking at your action lines, I had to go back and read your script a second time to catch what little dialogue you had.  I'd probably add a little more dialogue, but that's just me.

Not bad but needs a little work.

Good Luck,

Ghostwriter 22

>>>You say Joseph is too heavy for Amir, but Joseph is underwater and Amir has flippers. That doesn't add up. Amir could easily move Joseph.

The part where everyone claps for Amir...not working. For one, Amir did not pull Joseph out of the water, the Pool Attendant did, so Amir performed no heroics. From what you wrote, nobody could see under water, so they could not even see that Amir even tried. <<<


Funny, this is what happened in an earlier draft - Amir drags Joseph out of the water = hero. but based on other feedback (that istated there was no way he could do that) I changed it. Guess I should change it back :)

Regarding the other kids knowing that Amir is being bullied by Joseph, Jack certainly knows, but there might need to be a little added to show that others do too, I've found that kids generally tend to know which kid is being picked on and by whom.

Thanks for the read and your comments. I'll bear them in mind.

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Harrietb... Some of your writing needs to be tighten up a bit.  Take this... "Jack nudges her as sees Amir climb out of the pool."   How about... Jack nudges Rana as Amir climbs out of the pool. Ghostwriter 22

Thanks. That certainly works better than my line. Will read through it again, hopefully, with fresh eyes.

Quoted from harrietb >>>You say Joseph is too heavy for Amir, but Joseph is underwater and Amir has flippers. That doesn't add up. Amir could easily move Joseph. The part where everyone claps for Amir...not working. For one, Amir did not pull Joseph out of the water, the Pool Attendant did, so Amir performed no heroics. From what you wrote, nobody could see under water, so they could not even see that Amir even tried. <<< Funny, this is what happened in an earlier draft - Amir drags Joseph out of the water = hero. but based on other feedback (that istated there was no way he could do that) I changed it. Guess I should change it back :) Regarding the other kids knowing that Amir is being bullied by Joseph, Jack certainly knows, but there might need to be a little added to show that others do too, I've found that kids generally tend to know which kid is being picked on and by whom. Thanks for the read and your comments. I'll bear them in mind.

Don't know about your prior feedback, but NASA trains under water to simulate less gravity, it's just physics. Getting him OUT of the pool would be tough, but getting him to the edge would be easy. Then he'd be a hero.

You need to make everyting over the top so the story has impact.

Bravo Harriet,

You’ve actually written a real fully fleshed out story in eight pages – unlike a lot of the empty ‘one idea’ epic ‘shorts’ (as Balt is so fond of commenting on, and I agree) that are a dime a dozen.

This is different – in a good way. You’ve spent time developing characters (specifically the main character of Amir) and depicted his world beautifully. The imagery from the first scene where he holds is breath before being ‘dunked’ into the toilet and then the transition to the next scene with him in the bath – loved it. “Amir’s hair sways like seaweed” – evoked a great image. And, then the theme (of water) is repeated throughout. Great depiction of the flickering ‘book of George’ – great ‘best friend’.

As for the earlier comment about his handing his lunch-money over too readily – I don’t agree. I thought this was perfectly set up as a bullying ‘routine’ without the need for exposition.

Yes, there are some format issues, some lines need refining, and the ‘action’ lines could be tightened (I might think of calling it a ‘pool party’ btw, rather than a ‘swimming party’ but I don’t care to mention any other ‘wording’ problems or format issues ‘cause there’s a ‘story’ wrapped up in these eight pages and it has at its core real ‘heart.’

Well done Harriet. Imo, this deserves more ‘reads’.

Libby

I thought this was a pretty well told feel-good story.  Everyone likes it when the little guy wins at the end.  There were some formatting issues, as have already been discussed.  Some missing punctuation here and there.

During that part where you switch from the school bathroom to his bathroom at home:

JOSEPH
You want it? Go get it.
Joseph throws the pages into the toilet, holds Amir by
the neck, about to plunge his head under the water.
Amir inhales deeply, and holds his breath.

INT. BATHROOM - EVENING
Amir’s hair sways like seaweed as it float under water -
his face, still, beneath it, holding his breath.

This confused me the first time I read it.  You might want to clarify in your slugline that the scene takes place in Amir's home and then mention in the action that he's sitting in a bathtub.  I hope I read that part correctly.

At the end, I suppose I was hoping for more of a humbling for Joseph.  Like maybe he acknowledges that Amir saved his life and that he will view him differently from now on.  It's great that Amir gets the ribbon from the pool attendant and all, but I'd like to see more resolution with Joseph.

All in all, though, your characters, especially Amir, were well drawn.

Thanks everyone for the reads. I appreciate all the comments made so far, and will address some of these flaws in the next rewrite.

best,
H

P.S. Libby,
If you could direct me to one of your scripts I'll return the read.

Best,

H

Thanks for the offer H. I don't regard 'shorts' as my forte' to be honest. I'm envious of those who seem to so effortlessly keep 'em coming. Have to date, only submitted one poem and a couple of scenes 'in jest'. Nice to know I'm guaranteed a 'read' once I bite the bullet, by you, and that other guy (who shall remain nameless) who keeps giving me a shove.

Some guy giving L C shoves? The man should ashamed of himself. Just let me know where he lives and I'll send round 'the boys'.

Lots of good imagery here Harriet. The seaweed has ben mentioned before. I'll mention it again. It's very very good. As are the mistaken gestures and the boys' activities.

Don't get a big head but it felt like one of Truffaut's films. Those weird sentences and these uneasy feelings. Maybe a bit of Amelie too. Came to mind when he looked at the fishbowl. Particularly later at the pool.

The flippers reminded me of all the stupid things kids do. Something thats not seen enough.

Script is typo free, pretty much. Always admirable.

Good title and script. It's very good and deftly done. Strange too, which was nice. You've a writing style that's all your own. I'm trying to think of something negative to say for balance. I can't so I'll leave it there. Well done.

Thanks for the read and your kind words. There's no danger of me getting a big head as this script still needs some work. Nice to hear some praise, neveretheless. Much obliged.

Best,

H

Hi Harriet

I liked this. It was simple, plain and honest. Always good things in a screenplay. It had a story to tell, and it told it well.

There are little bits of formatting errors, but nothing disasterous. You do need to put DAY/NIGHT/CONTINUOUS on your scene headings, but again, this is just minor.

Liked some of the scene transitions - head down toilet, head coming up from under the bath water - would be particularly effective on screen.

I would say that it probably needs (as with most shorts) a bit more breathing space - a bit more of a chance to develop. There is a feeling that it rushes too quickly into the action. I would like to have seen more of Jack, for example - when he pops up again at the pool I had forgotten his first appearance!

I would also say that the age of the children might be worth reviewing - Amir is 8, the others are 11. I am not sure whether an 11 year old boy would necessarily befriend an 8 year old (although they'd certainly bully them)! Perhaps they could be younger? Or Amir older?

One solution for the Amir saving Joseph question is that, as swimming pools have deep and shallow ends, Amir could pull Joseph into the shallows, thus allowing the Pool Attendant to get him, so Amir would not need to actually pull him clear of the water.

Of course, there is no need for Amir to be proclaimed a hero - we, the audience, know what happened, and so do Amir (and Jack?) and Joseph. Maybe that is enough? Although a feelgood ending is nice, maybe a more dramatically statisfying one is one that is more ambiguous?

Anyway, a nice read. Thanks for asking me to take a look. Hope you found something of use in the above!

Niles

Thanks, Simon,

Very good feedback. I changed the age of the boys from 8 to 11 but must have skipped Amir's age during the rewrite. Thery should all definmitely be in the same class, and around 11/12.

Good point about making more of Jack and also the shallow end - good thoughts and very useful. Thanks again for taking the time to read and your comments. Musch aporeciated.

Best,

H

Harriet

You checked out my "Golden Years" scripts so its only right that I return the favour.

This was a nice sweet story, your style of writing is interesting, the way you have sentences lead into one another. I've seen it in other scripts but not to this extent. Not a bad thing just a style preference I guess. I understood what was happening in the script so thats the most inportant thing.

I thought you were going to go for a tragic ending with Joseph being rescued and Amir drowning because he tried to help him or that the whole episode at the pool and party had been a fantasy for Amir. In the last scene I thought he was going to be just getting into the car heading for the pool from the point when he had made the drawing for George. But the ending was wholly positive which again is fine, your decision.

I liked the scene with the goldfish, probably the stand out sequence for me, a nice touch. It showcased a depth of caring and empathy within the eight year old Amir, how he draws parallels between his own situationa and that of his pet fish.

Col.

Hey Col,

Thanks for your comments. IN an early draft of this there were two endings: One where Amir saves his bully, the other where he awakes from his fantasy back in the bathtub, and his father remarks, "That boy. He will never fit in. Dreamers never do." However, the ending where it was all a fantasy was thought to be a bit of a cop out by most readers and I prefer that it ends with an upbeat ending, with Amir being more accepted.

I'm very found of the goldfish part too, as Amir is a fish out of water, but thanks for that comment too :)

Best,

H

Hey Harriet,

Just finished this one up and I thought it was a really sweet story and nicely done.  I really liked the Amir character.  Reminded me of one of those kids who got picked on in grade school because of his imagination but ultimately goes on to do great things.

I would agree with Cam when he said "At the end, I suppose I was hoping for more of a humbling for Joseph.  Like maybe he acknowledges that Amir saved his life and that he will view him differently from now on."  I was also hoping that Jospeh would somehow be changed by the fact that Amir tried to help him.  I'd like to think that he was young enough to change.  Then again, some people are just jerks I suppose.  Young or old.

Anyway, just wanted to drop you a note to tell you that I enjoyed it.  Good luck.

Craig

Craig,

thanks for the read. Definitely there are a couple of things that need to be addressed towards the end.

best,

h