Worst Neighbors Ever by Xavier Gonzalez - Short - What would you do if Dan and Steve were your neighbors? 5 pages. - pdf, format 8)

This was great. Really funny. It was really interesting to get to know Steve and Dan when you only see them for two pages, while the rest is just their voices. The arguments they had were great and funny, and pretty awkward too. The only problem I had was the ending. It was so abrupt that it ended more like a comedy television script. Actually, the whole script seemed like that, but it was good, except the ending. I don't know how else you could change it, but it was just so sudden and ended so quickly that it left me with the thought, "Wtf?"

But overall, I thought it was pretty funny and written well.

Sean

Xavier,

I liked the overheard conversations between Dan and Steve that seeped through the wall alongside the images of the couple living next to them and how things started to esculate to the point where gunshots are heard. Here's where I had some problems.

The timing, or unfolding of events,  didn't seem right to me, or maybe I didn't quite follow it. It starts in the present and a series of flashblacks reveals the ongoing drama happening in Dan and Steve's apartment (loved that we didn't get to see them in the flashbacks and think perhaps it might be better to start it here, showing only the reactions and growing concern of the next door couple, but that might just be me). However, at the end of the flashbacks, the couple hear gunshots (which prompts Charlie to come knock on their door, instead of calling the cops) but then, in my understanding, the Boss only arrives and fires the shots AFTER Charlie is joined by his wife at Dan and Steve's door?

I didn't like this ending either, or see why poor old Charlie was the one to suffer. However, I think this has great potential and could be good fun. It just wasn't clear in a couple of areas for me.

Best,
H

Hey Xavier,

Read your script. It's not bad, just feels like a first draft, and still needs some work.

The beginning in the apartment when the neighbor comes over, he asks them to be quiet. I thought it was kind of strange because there was no noise at all, and I had to go over and reread it. Even though you showed the different ways they were loud later, I still think you should have something there, too.

Maybe they are playing the guitar or listening to music or maybe even playing badminton inside???

I think you should have shown what the inside of their apartment looked like, too. There is no description. Is it messy? Probably, but I'd like to know what all is there.

I liked the different things that were happening and how the neighbors heard it.

The cocaine took away from the story IMO. Made the two not so funny. I feel like it was something that was cramed into the story to fill it.  I'd take it out and put some more funny stuff in there.

I didn't like the ending either.  I would have liked to seen the couple next door do something. Maybe they get loud... take an ax to the wall... here's Johnny or shut up!

Anyway, it was something that could use some work, and when done could be easy to film. Let me know if you do a rewrite.

Cindy

I love how you can always tell when a script was written on inferior software... Or, in this case, web based junk-mail akin to word of mouth.  Anyways, your dialogue is pretty paltry. For instance...

CHARLIE
Hey guys... Dan and Steve.

I was hit with that out of the gate.  Nice... I'm going to use this next time I knock on my neighbors door. We're all as formal in real life, afterall... Or was this just a shallow way of letting the "intended target audience" know the main culprits names?

And then

DAN
What do you want, Charlie?

Offensive and obtrusive dialogue can be helped...

You over write and over share, like J.K. Rowling on a Zolof bender. Things like "She's done for the night" What does that mean? Is that flare? Is that "your" writing "stamp" or something?  Leave it at the door... It's annoying.

Dan and Steve remind me of two gay guys who didn't know their true feelings until they moved in with one another. Again, you choose to not only over write in your action headers, but also your dialogue.

DAN (O.S.)
Well you’re gonna have to hold it
’cause I’m masturbating in here and
I’m not even close to done!!!

C'mon, man... Weak. I know you're trying to "shock" and "awe" and be as Judd Apatow as you possibly can, but it comes off like the guy in school who'd see the latest Jim Carey movie and then start going around using phrases such as "SMOKIN'!" ...

STEVE (O.S.)
This is taking forever, maybe we
should sniff some of it.

How about "SNORT" some of it? Might sound a little more "hip" or "trendy" or... whatever kids are saying these day. Ask Judd Apatow, I'm sure he'll know.

Page 4's dialogue is almost unbearable to read... Re-do it.

Page 5 doesn't get any better.

One of the worst scripts I've read in recent memory... and I've read a lot of 5 and 8 page epics as of late. This seemed like something you'd see from the Reno 911 crew or a Mad-tv skit... Only, they'd probably green light this one since it's better than 99.9% of their stuff.  I just didn't feel it.  You detached us from your "supposed" main characters by never allowing us to see their doings. Not that I really cared to, but it still made for a generic experience.

I'm not telling you to not work on the concept, but I'd back burner this one in favor of something worth while.  I mean, you have no resolve for these characters. None. You should have had Charlie, and had it pay off too, go ape shit and turn into a lunatic... Anything more than just some random, bizarre, depressing killjoy of an ending so sloppily rushed it was like you were being administered meth through someone's catheter I-V.

Hey, everybody, thanks for the read, sorry to hear that you didn't like it. To tell you the truth, the ending was the first thing I came up with, so no, I will not change it, the story, if it was unclear to most is supposed to be about a spineless couple living next door to two wannabe drugdealers, sort of like Saul from Pineapple Express.
To those who didn't like the fact that you didn't get to see Dan and Steve making the noise, it's because I thought it'd be funnier to only hear what's going on, also it's more annoying, so you feel like the couple themselves.
Baltis: The dialog is poor because I wanted it to be, Charlie is supposed to be a spineless chump who after hearing all the crap going on next door tries not to get on his neighbors' bad side. And as for Dan and Steve's dialog, they're baked all the time, they barley ever know what's going on, they're not supposed to speak like Shakespear, jesus, what do you want from them?
Over all when writing this I just wanted to right something like a crappy youtube video that people would say "wtf" to, and I can see that that's exatly what I did.

Xavier,

You've churned out something that seems a little rudderless in terms of where you would place it for production, y'know.

The majority of dialogue is played through the silence of a couple listening in. That idea I actually kind of like. Two talented actors, and sharp, witty dialogue would create something comedic. The main problem was you cranked up the ante a little too much. Why would the neighbours put up with so much? The protagonists antics felt too OTT. It kind of felt like listening to music at an obscene - and unnecessary - level, which eventually dilutes the overall enjoyment. So, from that perspective, it feels a little like you've squandered a potentially amusing visual. Having said that, it would be likely many would feel the setup - silent couple listening in - to be a little too anti-visual.

The way the 'Boss' kills the neighbours justifies the title, but it doesn't save this from being more of a skit than an actual story, IMO.

Andrew

Well, Andrew, you're right, it is just a skit, a little youtube video type gener. And I feel like nobody really takes it to mind that it's mostly funny because the flashbacks kind of fall into place with each other, I meant it to all happen in one night, I just never bothered with explaining that, it's not really necessary. Another thing is that the neighbor DOESN'T DIE and that bullet wasn't meant for him, so that's another thing that, to me, makes the ending the funniest part.

Thanks for the read, really guys. I just feel like none of you bothered trying to go over the story to realize what really makes it a good and maybe even artistic little script.

Thanks again, Xavier.

I don't understand why most people don't like the idea. It's obviously a small skit ment to amuse the minds of the younger viewing public, youtube and myspace and stuff like that. I'll understand why most of the older people hate it, with all the childish jokes and all, but i'm pretty sure if you post something like this on youtube with a couple of "good" actors, it'll be a hit.

First thing I think about is what a crummy apartment building if you can hear all that. It would take one flashback for me to call the cops, call the landlord, or move out, etc. So right away I'm not buying this. Maybe if Charlie and Sarah listened through drinking glasses up against the wall? That would make them snoops...

I didn't laugh at all. Guess it's not my thing, being older and all, and just so out of touch with the youth today. None of this story is particularly imaginative or unique. Crass, really. Seems to me that several shorts include someone getting shot for no particularly good reason, which is a cheap way out.

All in all it's a rear window kind of thing with a bad ending for Charlie.

re:Eric2nimrod...I would not pit older people and younger people for this one, mature vs immature is more apt.

Exactly what I was trying to say. The fact that kids will laugh at anything and that adults look deeper into the joke. Put this infront of kids, they'll laugh their heads off. Put it infront of adults and they might laugh, but probably at the cheap attempt to be funny.

well, sorry you didn't like it. I already knew what you were gonna say, Eric.

But, Cloroxmartini, I just have to say that the script is very believable, you don't need a stupid glass to hear somebody that's very loud screaming from the other apartment, trust me, I'm like that, every day I get into fights with the people I live with and my neighbors can hear me perfect and ours houses aren't even connected.

I don't see why you don't think it's unique or anything, but seriously, how many movies or tv shows have you seen with something like this in 'em, I can only think of one and you've probably never heard of it. And it's not a thing were you can say that kids or teens will enjoy it more than adults cos seriously, how many kids or teens would live an experience like that?

I'll say this again, Charlie doesn't die, that bullet wasn't meant for him, the boss was trying to kill Dan and Steve, so, no, it's not a cheap way out, infact it was the first thing I cam up with, so in most ways that's what the whole story revolves around.

And I keep forgeting to mention this so I'll say it while I can still remember, Charlie and Sarah are like newly weds from rich families or something, they're spineless, too afraid to call the cops, that is until the neighbors start to disrespect them but by then the cops are obviously gonna show up sooner or later.

I'm like that too. And from personal experience, I've lived in apartment buildings, I could always hear what my neighbors were saying or doing, especially when they fought. And I doubt that Charlie and Sarah are from rich families, cause if they were, why the hell are they living in an apartment?

Xavier,

Good to see you posting again.  The concept of this drew me in.  I've lived in a few apartments and had my share of a-hole neighbors.  I don't really have a problem with your structure of one flashback after another after another.  They sort of build on each other.  Quite a few typos.  One of them that stuck out:

There is a silence until sirens WHALE in the
movie.

Whale should be wail.

The ending simply was too jarring to be funny.  I now you've already written that Charlie doesn't die and that the bullet wasn't meant for him.  But that's not the problem.  The problem is that you had this completely goofy tone the entire script and then it took such a bizarre left turn that it left me scratching my head rather than laughing.  It would have been funnier if Charlie had somehow gotten revenge on these guys, IMO.  

Thanks for the read, cam17, yeah, I didn't notice that "whale" thing, I write it into a lot of my storys and stuff and never really notice how i wrote it in here.

The ending, when you think about really is funny, it's not meant to be serious or anything. When writing the story line for this the first thing that popped up in my head was, "wouldn't it be funny if some ordinary, spineless, suburban type guy got shot because of his douchebag neighbors?" So really it's not anything where you'd say, "oh poor guy". Just the reaction from Charlie when he screams, should indicate that he's not dead, and just the way you'd scream at something like that, all that stuff was going through my head when I wrote that last scene, it's my favorite scene in the script and I'm super disapointed that nobody even chuckled at it.

Anyways, glad you like it. most of it anyways.

I found out the hard way that you DO NOT ever read this script while sipping coffee in front of your computer. This was laugh out loud funny and brillant that not only will it be easy to produce but you could get a lot of gold out of Sarah and Charlie  reaction as they listen to shouting from the other side of the wall.

The very last scene I didn't get and your wonderful script just derailed and tumbled into a flaming wreck.

But other then the one stumble this is a very cool funny script.

favourite line of Dialouge:

"come on man, this thing is poking out my ass! ! !"

This was a decent read. I didn't think all the dialogue was funny but the basic concept is solid. I also like the end in how the bad neighbors think they're the victims. The stuff with the boss, I didn't quite buy. Is he a mafia boss or something? That's what I gathered and if that's the case, I don't understand how these two wouldn't be dead, let alone how he ends up on the floor. I also thought Charlie getting hit in the gut was a poor way to end. It just doesn't fit with the tone you've set up. There's also some minor errors in word choice. I think a simple proofread should be able to clean up most of them.

Anyway, I can't say too much. It's a simple story and with some exceptions, I think it does what you intended it to.

Thanks for the read guys, glad you like my script.

I truthfully don't see why people continue to say that the ending doesn't fall into place. I mean, halfway through the flashbacks Dan and Steve start talking about having cocaine and then there's gunshot, something bad is gonna happen if you try to argue with these guys.

James, to tell ya the truth, I didn't really think the boss thing all the way through, I don't know if he's with the mob or if he's just a drug lord, which ever one works for you, use your imagination. And as for the typos, I read over this thing a billion times and yet these things still slide right pass me, there most be something wrong with my eyes.

Again, glad you guys liked it.

Hello Xavier,

Not bad, pretty funny throughout, just didn't find the ending that funny.  The ending was more serious and took the edge of the whole script.  Nonetheless it was a decent effort.

There are a few errors throughout, and if I've got the right Xavier, I think this is one of your better scripts.

All the best,


Javier

Glad you liked it, Javier, I didn't really put much effort into this one, so I'm glad that it came out good.

Hey, if any of you guys want something read, just shoot, I don't have anything to do until september, so I've got time to kill.

Hehehehe I know Im dwelling in an old script but I actually like this script minus the ending..

Too abrupt and makes no much sense for the audience..

from direction point of view, its nice and achievable easily.

Except ofcourse the gunshot scenario...


Its a nice scene but makes no much sense for a short film, it can be incorporated in a long film..

wow, people are being really nice about this one, i guess this place hardened up since 2009, b/c if this was posted yesterday it would get destroyed.  there are a bunch of problems in 5 pages, no character intros, weird dialogue, weird action lines, a missing (O.S.). etc.  And the whole Boss angle and ending don't work.

im 32 and i thought it was pretty funny!

dan and steve remind me of some guys i used to know in high school....

kind of a beavis and butthead thing going on.

i liked it.

as far as the ending goes... i loved it...but i love stuff like that.... plus it works on the level of....  two boneheads like those guys can be the centers of their own hurricanes at times - their actions can destroy the lives of others, while coming out virtually unscathed themselves. i think with a little more set-up - people might actually buy it.

but i say if you're going to go for a sucker punch like that - go the whole way... maybe make sarah 6 months pregnant. *evil*

Xavier hasn't been around in close to a year and a half.  I doubt he'll read anyone's review of his work.

Digging up old scripts, like this, serves no purpose.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe Xavier hasn't been around in close to a year and a half.  I doubt he'll read anyone's review of his work. Digging up old scripts, like this, serves no purpose. Phil

Hehehehe Sorry its my fault I guess,
But im looking for scripts to produce for my film school portfolio so I click on ALL and I read all the scripts from the start of this forum :)

hope you contct people first, b/c somone "produced" one of my scripts i posted without asking and it was embarassingly terrible.  you google my name and that comes up, they credited me, but big deal, they never asked, and it makes me look bad.

scripts get around on this site. i found a couple of my shorts posted on sites i never posted them on.... i have no idea how they got there or who put them there.

oh well. at least someone likes it haha

Quoted from Conz hope you contct people first, b/c somone "produced" one of my scripts i posted without asking and it was embarassingly terrible.  you google my name and that comes up, they credited me, but big deal, they never asked, and it makes me look bad.

OMG :( I feel so bad for you...
I can imagine if it makes u look bad, thats nasty  :(