Sunday Night Stories by Mike Doyle (personalnumber123864) - Comedy - A circle of college friends meet on Sunday night to recap the weekend of sex, drugs and rock 'n roll. 86 pages - pdf, format 8)

thanks for posting this. i appreciate it.

so far this is the only script i've written that uses flashbacks but there's lots of them. not sure if i handled them correctly so i'll welcome any and all feedback as far as the formatting goes.

thanks, y'all.

PN...,

I've seen you do plenty of reading around here so I thought I'd give this a go.

I've also seen your avatar. Please change it. I can't read your comments anymore. It's more unsettling some of my previous and Pete's Barbeque orgasm.

I always wonder when I see a postal address on a title page on the internet. I'd just stick with an email address if I were you.

Opening sentence had me puzzled. i worked it out, but it could be worded better.

Mook's VO has some weird spacing near the end. I'd fix that up. Maybe you were adding emphasis but it looks like an error.

I'm not of fan of 'We hear' and 'we see'. In the case of the snow losing the 'we hear' would improve the line in my opinion.

There's a few typos but the format and such appear fine so far. As you were looking for details here's the major ones -

Some will argue, but I'd say all the Continuous slug ends aren't necessary.

You've a habit I often have to curtail in my own writing - overwriting. Too much detail for irrelevant items. You need to cut this back and please stay four lines or under for each paragraph. It ain't wrong as such, there's much bigger crimes, but it's a hell of a lot easier to read when spaced properly.

Quoted from SNS The mood is mellow, the times are good.

Quoted from SNS Always. They are almost always together.

I'm sure they are but you need to show us, not tell us.

The VOs are doing are doing pretty much the same thing, telling us all the about the characters, not showing us.

There's an awful lot of talking going on here. I'm none the wiser after it. I'd have preferred to see some more action. As you're looking for advice I take it you're new to this so best I could give you is keep the dialogue to a minimum. Introduce characters seperately and preferably not by voice over. Have the characters doing things. Keep scenes down to a few pages. Move locations. Keep it as interesting as possible. I'm by no means an expert but I think there's few who'd argue with that.

This script is by no means a bad effort. It's just not my thing. I wish you the best with it, keep writing.

hey rendevous (thought there was a z in there somewhere),

thanks for the read and the feedback. not sure what avatar you're talking about since i don't recall posting one. nor do i know how.

as for the address, i was just following the final draft prompts. since it's online, though, you're right - i probably only need my e-mail address (which is actually longer than my street address - long story).

thought i got rid of all the 'we hear' and 'we see' things my last time through it. guess some slipped through, though, so thanks for catching that.

if the 'continuous' slug ends aren't necessary, i'll lose them in a heartbeat. they're kind of a pain to include, i just thought they were supposed to be there. thanks again.

and thanks for all the other advice. i am new and i'll take it to heart. sorry it wasn't your thing but, again, thanks for the read and the well wishes.

PN,

Sorry about the avatar bit, I was typing two things at the same time, obviously something I've yet to master. Kinda knocks me off my pedestal don't it.
Thankfully that was the only comment that went that way.

Don't take it to heart. It certainly wasn't intended to be taken that way. It's just my opinion and some advice, meant to help, nothing more. There's other folks who'll pull and shred but most of the time they don't intend true offence either.

Thing is, you'll get better quicker, and when you do something impressive you'll know the praise is meant and deserved. Keep at it.

R

Just take out the entire voice over in the beginning. We have to learn who these characters are, not be told. Any professional reader will get to "you bang that cuban chick last night" and toss it.  I read the entire thing and actually found myself laughing a great deal.

hey davejendras,

thanks for the read and the feedback. i appreciate it. glad you're not a professional reader and got through the whole thing.

it's only my second screenplay so at this point i can forgive myself for rookie errors.
live and learn.

i remember reading another post you made on another screenplay. don't remember which one or when but i remember you being spot on with your comment on that one
so i'm guessing you're right on this as well.

anyway, thanks again for the read and post.

best,
mike

Hey Mike,

I've read a little less than half of this so far, and it's an interesting story despite the fact that there really isn't a story.  It probably relates to me being a talky writer myself.

On that note, I think there be a little too much here.  I think things would be a lot more interesting if you showed more of what's being told.  Not "show, don't tell", but "show and tell".  The Clute intro is a perfect example.  You have the montage in there, but the initial intro could be shown as well.  I think things like this would help add to it.

Not sure what's up with the gaps in the dialogue.  I'm assuming they're pauses, and if they are, you're much better off using ellipses.  They're perfectly acceptable, and pretty much the standard for breaks in speech.

I'll comment more as I move along in the script.

hey shelton,

thanks for the read and the helpful comments. i really do need to stop hitting the ol' shift return so often. bad habit but it just feels better when i read it.

what you probably can't know in reading this is that it's very close to my actual college experience. so if you're looking for a "story" in the traditional screenplay sense of the word, you'll probably be disappointed. it's really more of a memoir.

still and all, hope you can make it through and lemme know what you think. having read your work, i value any feedback you care to give.

best,
mike