Night Shift by James McClung - Thriller, Horror - A cynical nurse and a remorseful drunk driver investigate the murder of hospitalized patients seemingly at the hands of the doctors themselves.  101 pages - pdf, format 8)

I just flipped through the first fifteen or so pages.  Some real smart dialogue and good formatting.  I can already tell you, this is definitely the best script I've read of yours.

Eric D.          

Thanks Jack. I've been working on this script for over a year so the dialogue should be tiptop. Spending that much time on one script can be extremely aggravating at times. I even considered shelving it once or twice but I'm glad I didn't as I think it's one of the best scripts I've written yet. It's definitely the scariest.

Anyway, hope you enjoy it.

Holy Cow...I've just noticed 2 features have been posted by you James, you've been busy lol.  Anyway I'm gonna give this a read as you've obviously put a lot of time and effort into it...and you clearly state it's your scariest!

Thanks for checking this out, dude. I hope you like it. Like I said, this was a very painstaking script for me as I did a lot of things I usually don't do with thriller/horror scripts. I'd like to think it worked out in my favor. And yes, it's my scariest. To me anyway. Honestly, "scary's" never really been my M.O. Suspense, yes. Scary, not so much. I say this is my scariest because it's about real people, not faceless killers, and there's no creepy, abandoned buildings or anything. It all takes place in the "real world" and people tend to think that's the most unnerving. Still, just my opinion. Hope you like it.

Hello, James. I've just read your script and I'll post my thoughts below.

Overall, I enjoyed the story and found your script well-written. The flow and pacing were quite good and the screenplay had several memorable moments. The syringe fight especially was one of the more inventive (and gruesome) sequences I've read. Although Lydia's ultimate fate was quite a downer, it worked well within the story and any disappointment it caused was made up for in the final scene. Still, there are a few criticisms I'd like to make.

I was able to suspend my disbelief enough to accept a very small staff at the clinic, but there appears to be just four staff members on duty at all times. You may want to consider adding a few minor supporting characters or at least have some background players appear from time to time. The addition of other characters would also prevent the monotony of seeing the same five people in the clinic over and over again.

Continuing on this theme, I had a difficult time completely buying in to the first two fight scenes. Although both scenes were well-written, I couldn't help but wonder how two older people like Bryce and Judith were able to go toe-to-toe with the much younger Coop and Lydia.

As far as the overall storyline is concerned, I wonder if it would be more effective if Bryce and Judith's murderous ways were left ambiguous at first and eventually led to a grand reveal of their plans instead of being confirmed to the audience fairly early in the story.

I also think there is a lot of room to expand on Bryce and Judith's nefarious plot. Although I understood the plan, it would have been interesting to learn more about the situation they found themselves in. Why were they short on money? Why did they choose this method to raise funds? What happens to the bodies they sell?

On a nuts-and-bolts level, I noticed you occasionally restated the location right after the slugline. On Page 1, for example, you follow the INT. FRAT HOUSE slugline with a sentence that begins "The frat house interior..." You may want to rephrase these lines, so as not to sound so repetitious.

There were also several instances where a line of dialogue spilled over to the next page without a MORE or CONT'D parenthetical. You should probably just shift these lines completely to the next page.

Here are some of the things which stuck with me as I read your script.

Page 1: The phrase "surrounded by empty parking lot" should be "surrounded by an empty parking lot." The phrase "jet black hair" should be "jet-black hair."

Page 2: You may want to have Lydia answer the cell phone with a salutation first, as her immediate response didn't quite seem natural to me.

Page 8: Since Mitch would be obscured from view, you may want to rephrase the scene where his car drives away form the frat house. For example, you could say the engine roars to live and the vehicle drives away from the scene.

Page 19 and 20: At first glance, it seemed Lydia wanted nothing to do with the injured patient. You may want to make it clear Lydia does not want to deal with Bryce.

Page 21: The phrase "eighty four" should be "eighty-four."

Page 23 and 24: I assumed the two police officers arrived at Mitch's room in order to question him about the crash, which made it odd to see Mitch wandering down the hallway on his own a brief moment later.

Page 35 and 36: I wonder if Coop could bolster his point by reminding Lydia that Mitch could be charged with manslaughter or vehicular homicide and further wondering if the claim Bryce murdered Jack is a desperate attempt to shift the blame.

Page 49: The phrase "you little S---" should be "you little s---."

Page 56 and 57: You may want to consider intercutting between Lydia and Bob during their phone conversation just to keep the visuals more compelling.

Page 63: There is a missing paragraph break before Bryce's first line.

Page 69: Coop's first cue is not capitalized. Although Coop isn't able to answer the operator, it's standard procedure for the police to be sent in response to a cut-off 911 call.

Page 70: The paragraph describing Coop's death left me confused. Did you mean Coop's tongue was severed and flopped out of his mouth onto the floor, or did you mean for his tongue to stick out of his mouth as his body crumpled to the floor?

Page 75: Once again, even though Lydia is unable to dial 911, the police should already be on their way if not at the clinic already. Furthermore, wouldn't the clinic have more than one phone line? Besides, what happened to Lydia's cell phone? I know Judith made a grab for it during their fight, but there was no mention if it being lost or damaged.

I hope this response has been helpful, James, and good luck with you script.

Thanks for the read, Abel!

Naturally SPOILERS...

Quoted from abelorfao I was able to suspend my disbelief enough to accept a very small staff at the clinic, but there appears to be just four staff members on duty at all times. You may want to consider adding a few minor supporting characters or at least have some background players appear from time to time. The addition of other characters would also prevent the monotony of seeing the same five people in the clinic over and over again.

I brought this up in a WIP thread and everyone generally agreed a clinic of this kind would have a very small skeleton crew, especially at night. Pia apparently used to work at a hospital at night and she confirmed this. I've been wrestling with this issue for a while and I think I've finally got it right.

Quoted from abelorfao Continuing on this theme, I had a difficult time completely buying in to the first two fight scenes. Although both scenes were well-written, I couldn't help but wonder how two older people like Bryce and Judith were able to go toe-to-toe with the much younger Coop and Lydia.

Could you expand on this, please? I think I know what you're getting at but I'm not positive.

Quoted from abelorfao As far as the overall storyline is concerned, I wonder if it would be more effective if Bryce and Judith's murderous ways were left ambiguous at first and eventually led to a grand reveal of their plans instead of being confirmed to the audience fairly early in the story.

This is an issue I've struggled with for some time. Honestly, I think the story would be less interesting you didn't know there's something going on even though the reveal would indeed be stronger. I liked the idea of having characters have to tiptoe around bad guys you knew were up to no good. It really served to heighten the suspense. The original draft was a lot less subtle though. This version took more of a step in your direction.

Quoted from abelorfao I also think there is a lot of room to expand on Bryce and Judith's nefarious plot. Although I understood the plan, it would have been interesting to learn more about the situation they found themselves in. Why were they short on money? Why did they choose this method to raise funds? What happens to the bodies they sell?

This stuff was hinted at but never spelled out. The idea was that the Savages are universally hated by their colleagues and higher ups. Rather than fire them and have to deal with a fire from their end, they've made efforts just to lowball them and make their careers difficult, probably in hopes that they'd quit themselves. Hence the issue with money. Additionally, the clinic is so secluded, they barely get patients anymore. No patients, no money. As for the bodies, they name of the company that buys them suggests they're used for experimentation or something or other. The idea is loosely based on the Burke and Hare murders of Scotland. Check it out if you're interested.

Quoted from abelorfao Page 19 and 20: At first glance, it seemed Lydia wanted nothing to do with the injured patient. You may want to make it clear Lydia does not want to deal with Bryce.

No. Your assumption is completely accurate. Lydia hates drunk drivers and why not? They fuck up other people's lives because of their own problems. Her and Mitch eventual teaming up was meant to be a struggle of sorts. I just thought it'd make their relationship way more interesting and multi-facated.

Quoted from abelorfao Page 35 and 36: I wonder if Coop could bolster his point by reminding Lydia that Mitch could be charged with manslaughter or vehicular homicide and further wondering if the claim Bryce murdered Jack is a desperate attempt to shift the blame.

I like this idea. I'll try to incorporate it into a rewrite.

Quoted from abelorfao Page 70: The paragraph describing Coop's death left me confused. Did you mean Coop's tongue was severed and flopped out of his mouth onto the floor, or did you mean for his tongue to stick out of his mouth as his body crumpled to the floor?

This is probably the most problematic area of the script. In real life, if someone's strangled enough, their tongue "protrudes" from their mouth to extreme lengths people are incapable of accomplishing alive. A couple movies have done this. The Ninth Gate and Cut (Three Extremes) off the top of my head. I wanted to include it not only because it's realistic but I also wanted to top No Country For Old Men with the most brutal strangling in any movie (that I've seen anyway). It's extremely difficult to describe on paper. If you've got any tips, I'd really appreciate it.

Quoted from abelorfao Page 75: Once again, even though Lydia is unable to dial 911, the police should already be on their way if not at the clinic already. Furthermore, wouldn't the clinic have more than one phone line? Besides, what happened to Lydia's cell phone? I know Judith made a grab for it during their fight, but there was no mention if it being lost or damaged.

Lydia's phone is broken during the initial scuffle with Judith. As for the cops, not sure if they'd be on their way. They don't know what's going on. Why would they come out. I also figure a small place like this would have one phone line with a number of extensions (like an office building). I'll look into it though.

Your comments have been extremely helpful. I'll see what I can to do incorporate them into a rewrite. Thanks again!

Hello again, James. I'll try to clarify a few of the points I posted earlier.

Bryce is described as someone in his sixties with no indication he is physically spry or imposing, while Judith is described as a thin and sickly woman in her fifties. Lydia and Coop, on the other hand, are both described as being in their late-twenties with no indication of any physical ailments or limitations.

While its true Coop is caught by surprise, I was a little puzzled with how easily Bryce was able to kill someone over thirty years younger than himself. This puzzlement increased when Bryce literally crushed Coop's throat with his bare hands. Why wasn't Coop better able to put up a fight against a sexagenarian?

Likewise, even though Lydia gets the drop on her, the fight she has with Judith is fairly even throughout the confrontation. I would be more willing to accept this completely if it weren't for the description of the latter as thin and sickly. Why can't Judith quickly subdue someone in such a frail condition, especially when she sneaks up on her and strikes the first blow?

When it comes to the 911 call, the standard procedure throughout most (if not all) departments is for the operator to immediately call the number back. If the call is left unanswered or the operator is unable to establish a connection, most police departments will dispatch a unit to the scene to determine if there is in fact an emergency.

Okay. I gotcha now. In regards to Bryce, he was originally in his 50s. I bumped his age up to make him seem more like a cradle robber with Judith. Judith looks thin and sickly but both characters, I wanted them just to look ugly and beat up. They're not dying or anything. In any case, you bring up some good points. I think I'm going to give both characters exact ages the next time around so as to clear some of this up. I think both being in their 50s sounds reasonable. In regards to them actually measuring up to their subordinate counter parts, I don't think it's much of an issue. Like you said, Coop is caught off guard and the fight between Lydia and Judith really doesn't have much to do with physical strength.

As for the cops, you're probably right. Perhaps the call shouldn't even make its way to the other end. Otherwise, the cops end up getting involved anyway. I think this issue should be a quick fix whatever the case is.

Still, you've raised some very good points. Thanks again.

Hi James,
Thought this had some really good moments. What really works is that you had a clear focus from start to finish, and revealed hints of info at appropriate times to keep my interest all the way through.

you've got what could be a really cool genre piece here that already has a built in audience for if you decide to shop this around eventually. You're big selling points can definitely be the small number of locations and the very small cast of characters that would help this get made on the cheap.

Noticed that Lydia has a boyfriend in the beginning from all the pics, but there's no mention of him from then on. I don't feel there's a need for him at all and the story would benefit by having Lydia and Coop become romantically involved or at least flirtatious. Maybe I read it differently but their relationship seemed completely platonic to me and could have used some spicing up that would add some tension and help us learn more about who they are as characters.

I was thrown off with Mitch and Lydia's relationship as well, she showed that she was an extremely caring person by going back for him, but it'll be really tough to evoke any sympathy for Mitch's character where within minutes of meeting him he's drunk driving and killing someone. No matter how hard you try there are too many people who've been affected by that in their life so the chance of people eventually wanting anything good to come from his character will probably be next to none.

I did have issues with the dialogue, felt it was way too on the nose for the most part, especially Lydia and Coop. Any subtext at all would have been fully welcomed, as is a lot of their exchanges felt like a question and answer exercise, each trying to extort information out of the other. Same for these lines between Judith and Bryce::
     JUDITH
   Has he called yet?

  BRYCE
   He’s coming tonight. I’ll need you to
   show him the new arrivals.

     JUDITH
   Why can’t you do it?

     BRYCE
   I’ve got work to do. You know that.

     JUDITH
   Why don’t you just have her do it?

     BRYCE
   Don’t start—

     JUDITH
   Don’t tell me what to do! I know
   something’s going on! BRYCE
   I’m warning you—

     JUDITH
   Don’t you threaten me!
Huge typo on pg 79, "bear legs exposed", should be bare. cont....

Mitch and Lydia's goodbye outside the car could be tightened up. It kind of read a couple of lines too long and like I said before I didn't really understand any would be connection between them beside Lydia showing she was a caring person by rescuing him.

Loved the start of the fight between Lydia and Judith, but by the end of it it had turned into a full on fight scene from a Jason Statham flick, only with woman. Suggest tightening it up, and it would be great because the majority of the script from pg 68ish to the end is almost full on action or suspense. Less is more in this case, there's tons of exposition and mystery up to then, but the action takes center stage at this point. The reader knows at this point who the killers are, there is still the hint of mystery with what exactly is going to be done with the money/bodies.

To go back to your first scene, it set a great tone and was very brief but also very effective. Did think you could do without the figure's voice, the more mystery the better, leaving him silent would be creepier.

From a technical standpoint I'd suggest capping all sounds in the script. Throughout page 18 there were 4 or 5 sounds alone that could've been capped, from tires screeching, sirens blaring, etc. Also may want to vary some of the scenes with the "eyes bulging out of their sockets", by 3rd time it happened with Coop it lost all its effectiveness.

My favorite part of the story was with Lydia and Coop on pg 54 when they went over the hospital records, it really intensified and focused what you had going on here.
You're ending worked worked though seeing Lydia get offed was disappointing, don't know if there's a way the both characters could survive and the story still could have worked.

Think that about sums it up, like I said I think you've got a great genre flick here that maintains its focus throughout.  I only noticed one or two minor instances where the story sidetracked so that's a great accomplishment.
Lydia's a great character too, she's sympathetic, sarcastic and responsible. She's easily relatable and easy to root for. Overall just think that if you re-worked the dialogue to be less Q &A this would benefit and spaced out the fight scenes or simplified them the tension would stay stronger.

Good work, look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
Nate

Thanks for the read, Nate. You make a lot of good points, especially in regards to the mystery of the story. In particular, I agree removing the figure's voice in the opening would strengthen the kickoff a lot. The rest, I'll take some time to mull over.

A few things...

Lydia doesn't have a boyfriend. She broke up with him before the story even begins. The letter she's reading is a breakup letter. Although the audience really gets to know Lydia personally, I believe she'd still be a hard person to share one's life with so my angle was the boyfriend dumped her for being "too cold." This isn't spelled out too much and I don't want to. It all just adds to her life outside the film. I do mention that they broke up upon her visit to the blood bank. I think that's enough. I am glad you liked her though. I think she's the best, most complex, human protagonist I've ever written and one of my favorite characters in general. It's taken me a while to get the hang of this "female empowerment" thing in my horror  scripts. This is the first time I think I've got it 100% right.

Mitch is a hard sell. I tried very hard to make him sympathetic without making him a crybaby. I think I did a good job even if some people don't like him. He's as regretful as he should be for his actions and tries very hard to fix what he's broke. Even if the audience doesn't like him, he still redeems himself in the end by giving his life to save Lydia's, even though she doesn't make it. I don't think there's much else I can do with him.

Lydia and Coop's relationship is meant to be plutonic. I do get a lot of suggestions to up the romance in my scripts. I don't much care for that sorta thing amongst characters who aren't actually an item. I'll save that for my romantic comedy (not a joke).

Thanks again for the read.

I haven’t read all the other posts James, so I appologise for any points that have already been covered.

Your early descriptions of your characters are excellent, I wonder what the significance of Lydia’s tattoo’s are though.  Also the conversation between Coop and Lydia in the car reads really well, I can tell you’ve spent time on this already.  It immediately tells us about the characters and what they believe in.

Oh, who are the savages and what’s their story?

I love the description, a horseshoe of hair!

I can’t stress enough how well your dialogue reads and it helps to give your characters their individuality.

Page 14, Lydia’s dialogue reads wrong I think, it reads ‘it won’t happen it’.  I only point this out as I don’t think Abel did.

Page 21, Jack says ‘does is still hurt, homey’. Should be ‘it’.  I don’t actually like pointing out spelling mistakes as I think it distracts from the reading, so I might not point out all the mistakes, just the ones that make the reading awkward.

I’m actually finding it hard to like any of your characters lol.  They’re all horrible people, grumpy, miserable and devious, good for a thriller though.

One thing that niggles me is that there only seems to be Bryce, Judith, Lydia and Coop in the hospital which suggests to me it’s only small, so would casualties from a road traffic accident be taken there?  Would they not go to a large hospital or is the clinic part of a large hospital?  Maybe I’ve misunderstood something or it’s an American thing?  Is it some sort of private practice?

Mitch gagging on his fingers is a lovely image lol.

Lydia changes a bit quick from grumpy bitch to sleuth, she’s got some mood swings on her but hey, she’s a woman so I guess it’s realistic.

Coop realises that the Savages are doctoring the files, no pun intended, about the patients but does nothing after, this is a bit strange to me.  Lydia has suspicions and this is a serious matter, perhaps murder so it seems strange that Coop isn’t at least interested in finding out more, after all the Savages are horrible to them and even taking part of their wages.  It could be a way to get even, maybe even blackmail them to keep his mouth shut?

I’ve noticed a couple more typos but I’m concentrating on the story, and it’s getting interesting.  I’m just over 60 pages in and still wondering what the board are all about though.  Oh hang on, right now I get it, the Savages are trying to buy the clinic but the board don’t believe they can come up with the money.

‘His slimy tongue lifts up the corner of her upper lip as he pulls away and cackles’, nice image.

Coop’s eye half pops out of his socket!  Nice, there’s the magic gory violence you write so well.

The fight between Lydia and Judith is brutal and very exciting, I would of thought the scissors through the hand might have got a bigger pain reaction from Lydia but I would have like to see the syringes in Judith’s neck maybe filling with blood before Lydia yanked them out, but I guess she would have had to draw the blood out.  Great action though.

After Mitch crashes the car, Lydia seems to brighten up and having struggled to speak in the car she tells him she’ll bring help and takes off.

Axe meets face in a wonderful moment lol.

I’m not sure 3 weeks is a sufficient time to recover from Bryce’s wounds but his ending is satisfying though.

I was impressed that you were able to write such a good story with so few characters.  The beginning was a little slow but the last 30 pages flew by at a rate of speed and the blood and killing was nicely done.  I liked how you weren’t afraid to kill off the characters too.  When you stated ‘this is my scariest script yet’, I did wonder if this would be the case but now I think about it, the lack of characters and the lonely corridors of the clinic do give this piece an eerie feel.

Some of your characters react strangely at times throughout this script.  Lydia starts off as a uncaring bitch, to put it mildly but then later shows her caring nurse side by helping Mitch, who she loathed earlier.  Coop seems totally uninterested by the Savages murderous behaviour at times and then intrigued to find out more information at others.  Despite these niggles I found this script thoroughly entertaining and well written.  Needless to say I enjoyed it, good stuff James.

Thanks for the read, Anthony! I'm glad you liked it.

You've pointed out quite a few things in your review but there's a few in particular I'd like to address...

Quoted from alffy One thing that niggles me is that there only seems to be Bryce, Judith, Lydia and Coop in the hospital which suggests to me it’s only small, so would casualties from a road traffic accident be taken there?  Would they not go to a large hospital or is the clinic part of a large hospital?  Maybe I’ve misunderstood something or it’s an American thing?  Is it some sort of private practice?

Not an American thing. The idea is the main hospital is in the middle of the city and deals with the majority of health issues while the clinic is located in the outskirts and meant to deal with car accidents and that sorta fare. There are actually a few of these kinds of clinics out in the sticks. The idea really came from living in Ithaca, NY for a year. The main medical center in that town is basically a small, bare bones medical clinic. You'd have to drive some ways to find one of the big ones.

But yes, the boards have "jurisdiction" over the clinic which is why the Savages have to buy it themselves if they want to continue their careers. The boards would rather just shut it down for its uselessness.

Quoted from alffy Coop realises that the Savages are doctoring the files, no pun intended, about the patients but does nothing after, this is a bit strange to me.  Lydia has suspicions and this is a serious matter, perhaps murder so it seems strange that Coop isn’t at least interested in finding out more, after all the Savages are horrible to them and even taking part of their wages.  It could be a way to get even, maybe even blackmail them to keep his mouth shut?

I wouldn't say Coop isn't interested so much as skeptical and, as the story progresses, just flat out afraid of what could happen from messing with the Savages. He's known them longer than Lydia after all. He's really supposed to be sort of a drone worker who only wants to survive and doesn't question authority. Still, he is a tad fickle, isn't he? On the one hand, I think he'd like to watch Lydia succeed while on the other, he doesn't want her to put herself at risk.

I'll look over his character in the rewrite for any inconsistencies. I actually have a feeling his fickle nature might work for his character. I like the idea of a character torn between their own opposing emotions and that seems to be the case with Coop. Then again, you could be right; he could just be a tad inconsistent. Like I said, I'll look over him.

Quoted from alffy Some of your characters react strangely at times throughout this script.  Lydia starts off as a uncaring bitch, to put it mildly but then later shows her caring nurse side by helping Mitch, who she loathed earlier.  Coop seems totally uninterested by the Savages murderous behaviour at times and then intrigued to find out more information at others.

Okay. We've discussed Coop. You may be right like I said. Lydia is a different story. Honestly, I don't think there's a moment in the script where she acts out of character. At first, she doesn't want to deal with Mitch even though it's her responsibility. Her emotions get in the way of that. She teams up with Mitch to solve the Savages mystery just given the evidence and her hatred for the Savages. But she still doesn't like him. Once she realizes he's been telling the truth and that he's in danger, she goes to his aid. Like I said, she's generally aware of her responsibilities and is a believer in the Hippocratic Oath, even if she's rather just turn her back. Her bedside manner does change drastically toward the end, you are correct. But consider she's just been forced to kill another human being for her own survival and lost a close friend in the process, not to mention after all of it, her life is still in danger. At this point, she's incredibly distraught and completely drops her cold, philosophical facade altogether, as I think anyone would.

I will give to you that Lydia has mood swings. In fact, you're dead on. She's a complicated girl and has to struggle with a lot of opposing feelings throughout the script. I think, for the most part though, she's pretty stable and makes decisions based on her needs presented by the world around her even if they're not always the decisions she wants to make. She doesn't really lose control until the end. After my first couple horror/thriller scripts, I've grown tired of writing "strong female characters" that are basically stand-ins for guys. I do develop them and try to make them real people but when the going gets tough, admittedly, they do kinda regress. With this one, I really wanted to write a character with real female essence and who isn't just reduced to animalistic instinct midway through. Hopefully one of the female writers around here will tell me if I've done a good job. I'd like to think I have.

Anyway, hope this clears some things up. Thanks again for the read! Always good to hear from you, dude.

I guess the character traits are just that 'traits' and if you intended Lydia to have mood swings then you hit your mark.  Same thing for Coop, he is skeptical so again I guess it worked.  What I mean is, I wasn't intending to sound as though your characters were acting wrong and you should change them, I just meant, this is how they are reacting, are they meant to be reacting like that?  

I think that sounds even more confusing, but I hope you get the jist of it lol.

Hey James, I just finished reading the script and I just wanted to say that I thought it was really amazing writing. The dialogue, although containing some grammatical errors, was very well written. Most of the problems have already benn stated and you have addressed them. However, the one I want to elaborate on is maybe having the motive behind the Savage's killing of patients be revealed a little later, that way it would be more towards the moment before all the fighting and death begins. Regardless, I really enjoyed this script and look forward to reading more of your screenplays.

May I suggest writing a mystery screenplay? You did a good job with Lydia's sleuthing here. I'd love to see you write an entire script revolving around a character solving a mystery.

Thanks for the read, dude. Glad you liked it. I've being making some minor adjustments to the script already based on reviews, including making the Savages' exploits less obvious. I think the most important change I've made so far is removing all images of the Savages inserting needles into the patients' IVs. Mitch still sees Bryce "fiddling" with Jack's IV but now it's much less obvious what he's doing and there's actually some benefit of the doubt going on. Even more so with the revised Judith/Wendy scene. Now I just have Judith dropping something in her pocket and leaving. Much more mysterious. I'm keeping the scenes with Bryce and Mitch though. I definitely want the audience to know Mitch is onto something the Savages don't want him meddling in.

Quoted from RoyMendez1991 May I suggest writing a mystery screenplay? You did a good job with Lydia's sleuthing here. I'd love to see you write an entire script revolving around a character solving a mystery.

Err... This was sorta supposed to be a mystery. Not so much an Agatha Christie sorta setup. I was going for more of an Italian giallo approach. One of the main differences I've noticed between American and Italian horror movies (especially Dario Argento's) is that American protagonists are always passive victims while Italian protagonists tend to snoop around and get themselves into trouble. Movies like Susperia aren't neccesarily murder mysteries but their roots in the genre are undeniable. I did enjoy writing all the mystery solving in this script though and might try to build upon it in a future script.

Hi James,
I'm gonna read through this and note down points as I do so. Hope this is OK.

SPOLIERS will no doubt be somewhere in here!

I like the opening description of the clinic.
2> By letter, I take it you mean the note she read which said "Too cold".
Lydia's tattoos seem interesting, perhaps this will pop up again a little later. Interesting conversation between her and Coop.

7> Not sure about this when Mitch goes outside, he then returns a moment later and asks Doug where Tony is. Wasn't he just with him a moment ago? I'll put it down to him being high.

15> "It wont happen it" says Lydia. Think you missed a word here.
Bryce and Judith are certainly a right pair, aren't they!

So by the time I'm at page 21, this has so far been a quick read with good dialogue. Cant say I really like any of the characters yet but it is early days.
The clinic seems like it would be unable to cope with an accident on a high scale, especially since they were lucky to have even four staff members present. Wouldn't they not have been transported to the nearest hospital?

23> Lydia is coming across as a bit of a moping bitch - but I like your attention to detail regarding the doctor's dialogue.

28> Might have got it a little wrong about Lydia. She did seem more caring to Wendy and why she was more "direct" with Mitch stands to reason as he did cause the accident.

33> Mitch is certainly in a bit of a predicament. He can tell Lydia is not exactly his best friend and is reluctant to tell her what Bryce did to his legs because she probably wouldn't believe him. It will be interesting to see what he can try to do to get out of this situation.

42> Nasty stuff with the eyeball.
49> - and Mitch's diversion!
I upto 58 and Coop seems to have his suspicions. About this point, I am wondering about the outside world and Mitch's parents and if Tony will be back on the scene anytime soon.

59> Something about the dialogue here between Lydia and Coop kinda sticks out a little. It's a bit too on the nose perhaps?

66> The wicked plan is revealed. It's concept is a little similar to a script I read from you a while ago. Black Market. Is there a link between the two?

69> Bryce falls back against the wall but Coop's eye half way pops out? I guess it's the effect of the dab on his eye that Bryce gave him earlier? Sorry if I didn't latch on to this straight away.

70> Bryce sure does seem stronger than his description at the start of the script. But hey, you never know what these quaks are injecting themselves with these days.
74> The syringe fight between Judith and Lydia is good and sounds bloody painful! A lot of eyeball damage is being done in this story.

83> Despite his injuries, it's hard not to see Mitch as a coward here. He could have helped Lydia. Perhaps I'm being too harsh on the guy.

85>Nice visual with Bryce being covered in blood. Glad to see Lydia tries to mend some of her wounds. She must be hurting pretty bad about now.

89> Again, I like the aftermath of Bryce's meeting with the fire extinguisher. It's a nice bit of gory detail. Same with Mitch in the car and the blood pattering. Just a little thing that I thought was well written.

I thought you did a good job with the Forest scene. Some nice suspense.

96> I thought this was a bit of a surprise. I'm all for downer endings but I was thinking this wouldn't be one.
I liked the overall ending, however. Almost expected one of the board members to contact the "body collectors".

I liked this one, James. It was very well written. The location where we were most set, the clinic, was well described and you did create a creepy atmosphere early on.
The story is simple. Doctors need to find funds to keep their clinic open and do so by selling bodies to a shady organization. I think it worked well and working with a handful of characters helped the script flow as well as it did. Which is another thing I found was that this never got boring to me, or I wanted to really quit reading.
The dialogue for the most part is pretty damn good. The doctors talk like doctors for the most part which I thought was quite fascinating and shows you put a lot of effort into researching your stuff. There is some on the nose dialogue, but being set in a clinic which seems eerie and sterile, I didn't really mind it too much and actually thought it all blended in well.
There are a couple of mismatched words or missing words here and there, but that happens to everyone, especially me.
I also thought it was a good move to keep the actual body collecting organization in the dark. I did see a very small similarity between this and Black Market, so was wondering if this is tied in with that idea?
The characters were fine. Lydia did seem to be rather cold at the start, a bit like all of the cast really, which is fine because it suits the mood and tone. But as the story progressed, I wouldn't say I ended up liking her but I atleast wanted her to survive at the ending. She does seem to have a grudge against society, perhaps this is something to do with her breaking up with her boyfriend. I don't think the reasons for the break up were mentioned, and if not, I don't really think they need to be anyway.
Cooper and Mitch kind of ended up having their roles swapped round. I thought Cooper was going to be the heroic male but in the end, he didn't really get much of a chance!
Mitch, again, had an interesting role because he was disabled for most of the script which would be a pretty terrifying role to be in. I did wonder though, as the nights past, what happened to Tony and perhaps his parents? Wouldn't they have tried to find out what happened to him, and would the accident have been bigger news? Plus, one thing slight thought was on my mind is Coop finds out there have been previous occasions where the patients have "died". I wonder, since it is such a small clinic, what their rate of critical or near critical patients was that they had admitted. It looks like there were more fatalities then successes and perhaps the board might have brought this up in a meeting. And me going completely over the top, the families of the victims would surely have been curious especially when the funeral arrangements had to be made, wanting to see the body ect. It's all if's and but's and I don't mean to sound negative. I guess I am forgetting the most important thing here - this is a movie.

I can't find a fault with your format or writing, I also enjoyed the action scenes for the most part. Some of them felt a little overboard because of the early descriptions you had given to Judith and Bryce and some of the feats they achieved. I felt the violence was decent when you did use it, and apart from Coop's eye scene, I felt you tried to put across a sense of realism. I think you succeeded for the majority.

So I thought you did a really good job overall in creating a suspenseful thriller. I definitly enjoyed it. Nice work James!

Quoted from Scoob 7> Not sure about this when Mitch goes outside, he then returns a moment later and asks Doug where Tony is. Wasn't he just with him a moment ago? I'll put it down to him being high.

Good point. I think I'll have him return to where they were before he asks Doug where Tony is. These kind of parties, it's very easy to get separated which is what I was trying to get at here.

Quoted from Scoob 69> Bryce falls back against the wall but Coop's eye half way pops out? I guess it's the effect of the dab on his eye that Bryce gave him earlier? Sorry if I didn't latch on to this straight away.

It's actually Mitch who gets the alcohol dab, not Coop. In any case, the idea with Coop's eye was with him being strangled and getting slammed against the wall, the blood pressure in his head would cause his eye to "pop out." I thought it was relatively realistic as it's not literally falling out of the socket.

Quoted from Scoob 83> Despite his injuries, it's hard not to see Mitch as a coward here. He could have helped Lydia. Perhaps I'm being too harsh on the guy.

I'll look into this. At this point, his legs aren't working quite well and I do recall him jumping on Bryce and getting knocked off, at which point Lydia tells him to go. Still, if it's not quite working, I'll see what I can do to avoid having Mitch come off as cowardly. The third act is his redemption of sorts so it's really important he not come off as such.

Quoted from Scoob 96> I thought this was a bit of a surprise. I'm all for downer endings but I was thinking this wouldn't be one. I liked the overall ending, however. Almost expected one of the board members to contact the "body collectors".

Glad you liked the ending. I had like ten different ones in mind. I wanted to have the darkest ending possible as I figured none of the protagonists could realistically make it out alive unless I opted to bring in the cops which would've been extremely anticlimactic. Initially, Bryce was supposed to make it out alive and get the clinic. However those kind of endings have been done to death at this point and Bryce is too nasty a character for him living not to be a disappointment. I thought it'd be even darker if he made it out, still failed and died in the same way his victims did.

The board members aren't involved with the scientists though. That's just the Savages.

Quoted from Scoob The characters were fine. Lydia did seem to be rather cold at the start, a bit like all of the cast really, which is fine because it suits the mood and tone. But as the story progressed, I wouldn't say I ended up liking her but I atleast wanted her to survive at the ending. She does seem to have a grudge against society, perhaps this is something to do with her breaking up with her boyfriend. I don't think the reasons for the break up were mentioned, and if not, I don't really think they need to be anyway.

I can imagine and fully expect Lydia's character being hard to swallow. I wanted her to be admirable more than likable. She's got her principles and beliefs and tries to stick to them. Some people might disagree but in the end, everything that happens to her ends up confirming her beliefs. Still, I tried to make her a little sassy and have her relationships with friends be based on fun and well meaning sarcasm so I didn't want her to be unlikable.

As for the boyfriend, the reasons are never given however I've tried to imply that Lydia's general way of thinking is the cause of the break-up. As I've said earlier, she'd probably be a hard person to have a relationship with. Maybe all this seems unnecessary but I think it's important Lydia be shown as having normal feelings like everyone else, even if she doesn't show it. I've already clarified some of this stuff in the rewrite.

As for the rest of your comments, you're on point on a good number of them and I've already addressed some of the issues you've brought up in the rewrite. The only one I haven't addressed is the issue with people noticing Mitch has gone missing. This is also on point however I don't think anyone would actually come looking for him at the clinic. Usually when people get in accidents, get arrested or generally get taken out of commission, it's up to them to contact the people on the outside. Obviously, Mitch isn't in a position to do that. I'm sure people are looking for him though.

Finally, the similarities to Black Market are no coincidence. This was meant to be sort of a sister piece or spiritual sequel to that script. I'm still very disappointed at how Black Market turned out and wanted to write another script in the same "medical horror" vein. At the same time, Night Shift's its own thing and was inspired by completely different true life events (the Burke and Hare murders). I'll still be writing one more script in the vein of Black Market in the future. This one will be also based on harvesting organs from the dead and feature many of the same locations however will have a whole new story and characters. Black Market was never the script I wanted it to be and I honestly don't think I can salvage it so I'll be writing a new one instead. I guess I'll have a sort of trilogy thing going here once all is said and done.

Anyway, thanks for reading! Glad you liked it.

Quoted from James McClung Good point. I think I'll have him return to where they were before he asks Doug where Tony is. These kind of parties, it's very easy to get separated which is what I was trying to get at here..

Oh yeah, I got what you were going with and I don't think it's a massive deal, it just seemed a little too quick perhaps? Maybe have him go back in the party, fails to find him and then ask Doug?

Quoted from James McClung It's actually Mitch who gets the alcohol dab, not Coop. In any case, the idea with Coop's eye was with him being strangled and getting slammed against the wall, the blood pressure in his head would cause his eye to "pop out." I thought it was relatively realistic as it's not literally falling out of the socket..

Ahh, sorry about that. Most of the deaths are realistic and now you have explained this, it seems another to add!

Quoted from James McClung The board members aren't involved with the scientists though. That's just the Savages.

Yep, I got that - just thought you might end up throwing an extra twist at the end for a sec. Glad you didnt because I think it ends in the best possible way.

Quoted from James McClung I can imagine and fully expect Lydia's character being hard to swallow. I wanted her to be admirable more than likable. She's got her principles and beliefs and tries to stick to them. Some people might disagree but in the end, everything that happens to her ends up confirming her beliefs. Still, I tried to make her a little sassy and have her relationships with friends be based on fun and well meaning sarcasm so I didn't want her to be unlikable..

I wouldnt say she was hard to swallow. I can completly believe her as a character and I did like how you dealt with the boyfriend situation. It can take time for someone to grow on you, I guess, and I she did become more willing to get herself caught out more than anyone else. There's nothing to dislike about her, really. Just I didnt warm to her.

I really enjoyed a lot about Black Market, and I enjoyed this one. Looking forward to where you take the "medical horror" next :)

Malc

Hey, James, nice story. I think it would be strong if you left out the passive action like on page 96 when you talk about the branch through Bryce's stomach: "His pain is so severe, he can barely move." To me, there all sorts of ways to show a severe wound. As for "can barely move", state his gait is slow, his feet shuffle, or his movement is stiff. You always had a lot of filler adverbs ending in -ly or -ing that could have been toned down or dropped entirely.

Coop and Lydia are done very well and Bryce, once Judith dies, takes on a solid personality as well. I feel like there should be more build up to Bryce's heart attack in the end. It happens rather quick in a matter of a couple of paragraphs. I thought he'd be more enraged.

thanks for the read,
~Brandon

James,

this might be the shortest comments I've ever given on a feature, but I hope you will forgive me.

I read it during a weekend at the beach, but I did not take notes and at some point my brain wasn't operating at optimum due to overexposure to sun, wind, waves and Guinness…did I mention Guinness?  Anyway, that's why the comments are short. I'm doing this entirely from memory. I did read through the other comments and think they are valid, so you do have some good detailed input already.

I think overall that you did a pretty good job on this, but needs a few improvements as well.

In the beginning I thought Lydia was a doctor as well. Maybe mention early on that she's just a nurse.

What's Coop's job? Receptionist?

Lydia and Coop were the best detailed/developed characters.

I was a bit confused about the medical facility. Never really was able to picture it in my head. At first I thought it was pretty big, but then I got confused because there were not enough patients nor staff at the place.

Bryce and Judith were okay. Never really got a handle on them. Somehow their actions and dialogue didn't match how I first pictured them after their introduction. I too loved the description of a horseshoe of hair. :)

Then comes a lot of medical questions for me. I don't know the answers, but certain things made me wonder.

What happens to the bodies?

What exactly do they use to kill the patients with?

Do the bodies go to research? If so, how can they be any good if they were killed by some chemical?

Don't patients families want the bodies? I would think so, unless they had already signed on to be donated to science after their death.

Also, I don't think bodies for research are that expensive. I don't remember now, but I read Mary Roach's book The Stiff and it's all in there. You may want to check it out. Funny too.

Why would the clinic get insurance money if a patient dies? Do they get their life insurance?? If not, it seems to me they would make more money by keeping the patients alive and at the clinic as long as possible to get insurance money.

Mitch didn't really work for me. Why? We're supposed to feel something for him, but that failed due to the simple fact that he drove drunk and caused death and grief for innocent people. When he died, I couldn't have cared less.

IMHO, Lydia should have survived this. Major downer having her die.

I think a better ending could have been Bryce ending up in his own clinic and incapacitated and unable to speak and Lydia still working there and one night she kills him. Poetic justice!

Anyway, you did a good job and I was happy to see you're moving more and more away from massive action scenes that go on for way too long. I didn't have that issue with this script at all.

Sorry if these comments were not the best… I did have a lot of fun though, so I'm thinking you'll understand.  

Pia  ;D

Thanks for reading, guys. Pia, I'm willing to forgive the lack of detail as it sounds like you put your Guinness to good use. :)

Quoted from Grandma Bear In the beginning I thought Lydia was a doctor as well. Maybe mention early on that she's just a nurse.

She's wearing scrubs when the script starts. I think that should make her job title obvious, especially since the doctors are wearing white coats.

Quoted from Grandma Bear What's Coop's job? Receptionist?

Yup.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Lydia and Coop were the best detailed/developed characters.

Thank you. Honestly, I think Lydia is the most developed character I've ever written. It would be difficult to write another character with such depth in the future. I hope I can do it without overworking myself. I'd rather not have to spend another year on one script.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I was a bit confused about the medical facility. Never really was able to picture it in my head. At first I thought it was pretty big, but then I got confused because there were not enough patients nor staff at the place.

It's meant to be small. I've got the layout in my head. All the rooms in relation to each other. That stuff is difficult to put on paper, unfortunately. Or maybe I just didn't try hard enough.

Quoted from Grandma Bear What happens to the bodies? What exactly do they use to kill the patients with? Do the bodies go to research? If so, how can they be any good if they were killed by some chemical? Don't patients families want the bodies? I would think so, unless they had already signed on to be donated to science after their death. Also, I don't think bodies for research are that expensive. I don't remember now, but I read Mary Roach's book The Stiff and it's all in there. You may want to check it out. Funny too.

The Savages kill patients by injecting air bubbles into their bloodstream via IV. The only time this is shown is when Judith attempts to kill Mitch. Death by good old-fashioned cardiac arrest. The bodies are then sent to a faceless research facility where they are subject to undisclosed experiments. In regards to families and such wanting the bodies, if you read over the dialogue between the Savages and the family of victims, you'll notice Bryce is  weary of outsiders knowing their whereabouts. That said, the Savages kill only those who have essentially disappeared from their general social circles (for the time being anyway). This and his injuries are the only things that keep Mitch from meeting the same fate.

As for bodies being cheap, I unfortunately can't account for that. Not that I would know how much they cost anyway, haha. Anyway, the idea of selling dead bodies comes from the Burke and Hare murders from 19th century Scotland. Not sure what kind of profit they made but they killed quite a few people to make some dough. Your book, on the other hand, I might have to take a look at in the future.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Why would the clinic get insurance money if a patient dies? Do they get their life insurance?? If not, it seems to me they would make more money by keeping the patients alive and at the clinic as long as possible to get insurance money.

They don't. The whole point of Coop bringing up insurance is to indicate that the clinic doesn't get the victims' insurance. The Savages don't want anything on record after all. As for insurance being more profitable... you may just be shooting holes in my plot, haha. Honestly, I don't know how to address this particular issue. I'm afraid I may just have to leave it on the fiction side of things necessary for a functional plot.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Mitch didn't really work for me. Why? We're supposed to feel something for him, but that failed due to the simple fact that he drove drunk and caused death and grief for innocent people. When he died, I couldn't have cared less.

Fair enough and expected. Mitch is a mad hard sell. He does die trying to redeem himself as I felt he had to. That probably doesn't work for you, which is understandable. Nevertheless, his actions are important as a means of reenforcing Lydia's character and her evolution throughout the script.

Quoted from Grandma Bear IMHO, Lydia should have survived this. Major downer having her die. I think a better ending could have been Bryce ending up in his own clinic and incapacitated and unable to speak and Lydia still working there and one night she kills him. Poetic justice!

I had some qualms killing Lydia off and there were more endings to this than I initially knew what to do with. In the end, I felt she had to die though. I thought it was the strongest way for this particular story to end. I know it's a downer but this is a dark script, perhaps the darkest I've written yet, and even so, everyone gets what they deserve in the end.

Thanks again for the read, Pia. Always a pleasure.

Howdy, James.  Thought I’d give this a quick read and write a short review.  Afraid not…it’s a doozy.  I took page by page notes which will account for most of my thoughts but I do want to give you some feedback here as well.

You know I don’t want to be a dick or anything, but I’m going to give this to you straight up, no punches pulled.  It’s meant to help, and I hope none of my comments offend you.

I’m afraid I am not in agreement with the vast majority of reviews here.  Sorry to say, but I didn’t like this at all, and felt it was completely unbelievable, bordering on comical with all the over the top fighting, super human abilities, and the like in the last 30 pages or so.  I also found it quite dull until the last 1/3, but that last 1/3 was also where things really fell apart in terms of believability.  It just didn’t work for me on any level.

But, maybe even a bigger issue is the characters and characterization.  I read all the comments, including yours and see that you and others as well really thought Lydia was a complex and great character.  I couldn’t disagree more, and I feel the same way about each and every character.  Here’s the deal.

Because basically the entire script takes place at the clinic, we get no information whatsoever about anyone’s “real” life, or even personality outside work, and this plot of the Savages.  It’s like no one has anything going on outside of this story, and because of that, it doesn’t feel real at all.

Other than 2 scenes with Lydia trying to get info about the blood samples, the daily lives of everyone are completely skipped over.  Lydia and Coop drive into work at night, spend their shift doing who knows what (as there doesn’t seem to be literally anything to do), and drive home in the morning. Then we skip back to them driving in again the next night. Again and again.

There’s just nothing interesting about anyone, and because of that, I found it impossible to route or care about anyone.  Mitch is a drunk driver who seriously hurt a bunch of people.  He can’t be the protag, cause no one will like him (yes, I know, he feels badly for what he’s done and ties to make amends, but I doubt he’ll get much sympathy, ven though he’s being tortured.  Coop doesn’t do much of anything, and has very little personality, so he can’t be the protag either.  So that leaves Lydia, obviously, our main protag, but is she really someone you want to route for? I didn’t, cause I didn’t know anything about her.

Plot-wise, this came off as a recycled Coma script, or the dozens of other Medical “thrillers’ that have come and gone over the years.  I do agree with Abel and Pia’s questions/criticisms also, so I won’t go into that again.

This was a fairly clean script in terms of typos and grammatical errors though, so good job on that.   I wish I had more positive things to say, James, and I hope you take this all as it’s meant…to help you as a writer.

Page by page notes

Page 1 – I’d suggest that you name your clinic, especially if it’s a main location.

I’m confused with 2nd line about the “…in an ocean of dark forest”.  It sounds like a metaphor, but I’m wondering if there is actually a dark forest surrounding it?

Why is the “Dark Figure” OS?  He/she just entered the room.

I think you could have written the death scene better, with more intensity.  It comes off too quickly and very matter of factly.  This should be an intense scene, but it doesn’t read that way.

Other than your first Slug, your next 2 have no time elements.  Your 3rd Slug, “Lydia’s Apartment, Bedroom” seems like a brand new location, meaning, you definitely need a time frame, as it has nothing to do with the prior Clinic scene.  I’d also recommend writing it as “Lydia’s Apartment – Bedroom” (hyphen instead of a comma).

Lydia’s description is a bit long and kind of awkward with the short phrases.  I think a compound sentence would have worked better here.

Page 2 – “There’s” should be “There’re”, “photos” is plural.

Wrylie totally unnecessary, as she’s the only one in the room, right?

“…tousled hair he’s attempted to comb.” – reads awkwardly and doesn’t give a clear picture of what you’re trying to say.  I’d just lose the “he’s attempted to comb” part, and call it good.

“…steps in…” – “climbs in”

Page 3 – The tattoo conversation – she says she has 3, but then describes having 5 (1-back, 2 on each shoulder, equals 5).  I think you meant to say “1 on each shoulder”.

Page 6 – I think you’re going overboard with what each character is wearing in your descriptions.  I can’t imagine this comes into play, but we’ll see.

Page 7 – I don’t understand why Mitch asks Doug if he’s seen Tony.  He just walked away from him like 20 seconds ago.  Since you’re not using any time elements in your slugs, I have to assume these are “Continuous” scenes, meaning no extra, unseen time has passed.  Doesn’t make any sense to me.

Page 8 – I think you’re going a little overboard with many mundane actions.  For instance, “Mitch enters the driver’s seat and inserts the key in the ignition.”  And then, “Mitch starts the engine.” – No real big deal, but you’ve done this sort of thing several times now already.  These types of actions are assumed, and don’t need to be spelled out, or even filmed, IMO.  Do we want to watch a guy put a key in an ignition?  To me, it’s like repeatedly writing about characters opening and closing doors…unless something is going to jump out from behind the door or something, no need to include it in the script.

I don’t buy the conversation that starts at the bottom of the page and runs onto Page 9.  It doesn’t sound right and seems to come out of left field with the pot and Frat comments.

Page 10/11 – Although you do intro “BOARD MEMBERS”, the whole scene seems to only involve Bryce, Judith, and John.  I’d suggest a line or 2 about the other people at the table…something, anything.  It just doesn’t come across as a real meeting with a bunch of people.

I’m also a bit confused as to what time it is.  I guess that’s due to the fact that you’ve only used “NIGHT” or nothing at all as time frames in your slugs, and no mention of what time it may be has been given.  If it’s late at all, like I imagine, does it make any sense that a board meeting determining the fate of this clinic would be taking place?  I just don’t buy it.

Page 12/13 – I also don’t buy the conversation here with Bryce telling Coop and Lydia that they’re reducing their pay just like that (again).  It gets worse as it continues, with Judith getting involved.  None of it sounds real…or realistic.  Reality check – whatever Lydia makes in 2 weeks, it’s not nearly enough to make any difference whatsoever in the big scheme of things.  I mean, we’re talking about a couple thousand dollars, tops.

Page 14 – “shuts” should be “shut”

Lydia’s last dialogue line makes no sense.

Page 16 – “EXT. CLINIC, HALLWAY” – This isn’t an Ext scene.

Why is Judith OS?  I think you do this when you intend the camera not to be on the character as they speak, but IMO, that’s not correct at all, as in this case, Judith is “in the scene” all the way.  Bryce is the one who actually is not in the scene, as he’s in a room, and Coop is in the hallway, where the scene is set.

Page 17 – I think you waited far too long to go back to Mitch…his last scene was 10 pages ago, and I actually had to go back to see what it was that was even going on with him.

I would have loved to see what numbers were on Mitch’s digital clock, as I said earlier, I just have no clue what time it might be, and that’s bugging me, but based on his comment about no one being out here, not now, as I assumed earlier, it has to be really late.

Page 18 – “The ringtone is as loud as ever.” – You can save a line by getting rid of the extraneous description words here, as they don’t even say anything, really.

Page by page notes (continued)

Page 19 – “Mitch’s seatbelt catches him as he slumps out of the car. He is unconscious.” – This is very awkwardly phrased, especially the very beginning about “Mitch’s seatbelt”.

“INT. LOBBY – NIGHT” – Lobby of what?  Keep your Slugs consistent throughout the script.  Sorry for continually bringing this up, but the constant use of “NIGHT” as your only time frame just isn’t doing anything at all.  As far as I know, it actually could be early morning now, and most likely is.

“INT. LOUNGE” – Same deal here.  Now I realize we’re in the clinic, cause Coop’s there, but you should spell this out and be consistent with your Slugs.  This should most likely read, “INT. CLINIC – LOUNGE”.

“I’ve been looking all over you.” – Need to insert “for” between “over” and “you”.

Once again, I don’t buy Lydia’s dialogue or actions here at all.  She’s 1 of 4 people working in this clinic, and 2 critical condition patients just arrived, and she doesn’t give a shit enough to even do her job, whatever that may be.  I thought her tattoo said something about helping others, or whatever?  Doesn’t make sense to me.

Page 20 – “It’s not more than they handle.” – I don’t understand this line.  Maybe, if you inserted “can”, but I still don’t quite get her thinking here.

Page 22 – Lydia’s sitting in the lounge again, drinking more coffee?  What is her job function here?  I don’t get it.  Back to the lack of passing time in your Slugs…by not using time elements, you’re basically asking us to assume they’re continuous scenes, but that doesn’t make sense, based on what’s going on.  For instance, 2 pages ago, Lydia finally agreed to leave the lounge and “do her job”.  We had a short scene with Jack, Wendy, Bryce, and Judith, then another continuous scene showing Mitch in his room, meaning a few minutes passed max, yet Lydia is already back in the lounge sitting around.  So my question is, what did she do when she left the lounge on page 20?  If you had time elements in your Slugs, like “LATER” or whatever, I’d understand that some time has passed and she did her shit and now she’s lounging again.  Without them though, these scenes don’t make sense to me.


Page 23 – “Mitch struggles but is exhausted to resist.”  Need to insert “too” between “is” and “exhausted”.

Page 24 – “Wendy lies in a bed with her arm is connected to an IV.”  Remove “is”.

I don’t buy the scene with Mitch walking down the hall, or his conversation with Judith.  Actually I’m not buying much at this point. It doesn’t make a lot of sense that critical patients would be brought to this place in the first place.  Even harder to believe is the fact that we’ve got a DUI situation here, in which Mitch has seriously hurt others, and police are involved.  The premise isn’t working for me, and we’re Ľ of the way in already and things are moving very slowly.

Page 26 – “No sooner have the words left Mitch’s lips does Jack burst to life with a gasp and grab the front of Mitch’s hospital gown.” – Awkwardly phrased.

“This could be the last time I ever see him alive. I don’t want to be all drugged up for it.” – I don’t like this line at all.  Sounds ridiculous.

Page 28 – Mitch asks Lydia to call the police, but a few minutes ago, they were right outside his door.  I’m not sure where they’ve gone, but in reality, they’d still be around cause this is a serious criminal case, that could wind up in death.

YES!  Morning has come!  I knew it had to at some point.

Page 29/30 – Sorry, James, but these conversations just aren’t working for me at all.  They don’t come across realistically at all.  Almost comical, in a way.  Why would Bryce talk to Mitch like this?  Why would he basically admit to what he did?  Then, he tells him he better keep his mouth shut, or else.  OK, so let’s say Mitch acts like an ordinary human being here and says whatever he has to get out of this situation…”Yes sir, Doctor, I won’t say a word…I didn’t see anything at all.  I’ll be a good patient”.  Is there any reason whatsoever that Bryce would just let him go then?  He’d basically be signing his own death warrant.  Just doesn’t work or make sense.

Page 31 – “She is dead.” – You’ve used this line more than once now, and it doesn’t work.  It’s just you telling us a character is dead. You’ve got to show these deaths and make them more powerful, more intense…more horrific.

OK, so now all of a sudden, it’s night again.  Nothing of interest happened all day to any of our characters?

Page 33 – “Judith waiting for her in the doorway with her arms crossed.” – This is an odd sentence.  Passive, with no verb…really just a fragment.  Seems out of place or missing a word or 2.

Page 34 – “You’re just lucky her husband isn’t going find out.” – Missing “to” between “going” and “find”.

Again, James, this exchange doesn’t work at all, or make any sense.  Judith is telling Lydia that she basically killed a patient through incompetence or neglect, yet Judith is going to cover it up?  Nothing works this way in reality and it comes off as ridiculous and juvenile, sorry to say.

The police were involved here and there would be numerous reports filled out.  No way the Savages could get away with this so easily and nonchalantly.  The entire premise is falling apart quickly.

Page 37 – Now, we’ve got the makings of a Scooby Doo Mystery, with Lydia and Coop playing Shaggy and Scooby.

Page 40 – Last Slug here is “INT. LOBBY”, yet you take the scene into the parking lot and even into Coop’s car.  If you’re intending on having this seen through Bryce’s eyes, it’s not written correctly.  Give it a look.

Page 41 – You’re using “PATIENT ROOM 1” and “PATIENT ROOM 2” interchangeably here.  Mitch is in room 1, I thought.  He can’t be in both rooms at once.

General note – It appears that the Savages literally never sleep.  They are at the clinic morning and night and have no life outside of it.  But then again, no one seems to have any life outside of the clinic.  It’s a problem, IMO, and needs to be addressed.  There’s not enough going on at the clinic to keep interest. You need a back story/secondary story involving Lydia, Mitch, or the 2 of them, outside the clinic.

On Page 42, Lydia and Coop are having a discussion in his car, as they drive along.  It’s morning.  This goes on for 2 pages.  On page 44, we have a discussion between Bryce and Judith that goes another 2 pages.  It must still be morning, because Bryce references that someone is coming tonight.  Then, on page 45, we’re back to night again, and Coop and Lydia are pulling in the clinic lot.  This is what I’m talking about in the general comment above.  Nothing happens for long stretches of time, for some reason.  There is no action going on outside of the clinic and it just seems really weird.  I understand that the story takes place at and around the clinic, but because none of the characters have any life outside of the clinic, it makes them all come across as being in this story, only to serve the central plot, and very 1 dimensional…only existing to move the plot forward.

Page 45 – Coop just reports to work, and the first thing he’s told is to take a break?  Why is he even here?  What in the world does he do?  If he’s a receptionist, who is he receiving?  There are no patients and nothing going on at all, other than the emergency situation.  Just doesn’t make any sense.

Page 46/47 – The exchange between Lydia and Mitch doesn’t ring true again.  No reason for her to do this the way she’s doing it.  Just call the cops and everything would be taken care of.  Yes, bad movies do this type of thing, but it doesn’t mean it’s the right way to write a script.

Page 48 – “Mitch gags in the distant.” – Awkward.  Should be OS.

Page by page notes (continued)

Page 53-55 – Again, James, the exchange between Lydia and Coop just comes off almost comical, in its absurdity.  How much more obvious could this be?  In reality, it wouldn’t happen a single time, and Coop now has info that tells them it’s happening all the time, for years?  “You think something’s wrong?”  “I’m not convinced yet, but there may be.”  Geez, people, c’mon.

Page 58 – “I’m searching his office. There’s gotta something in there.” – Insert “be” between “gotta” and “something”.

Page 60 – Oh boy…the old paper clip in the lock routine.  Those cheap clinic locks!

“After a moment, he takes a deep breath and returns his gaze to computer.” – Insert “the” between “to” and “computer”.

Page 61 – The Savages have only been gone a few minutes at the most.  How and why are they back instantly?  They wouldn’t even be able to drive out of the driveway in the time that has apparently elapsed.  Doesn’t work.

Page 62 – Damn, Judith is one tough, strong 50 something lady!  She pushes Coop and he falls on his ass?  You originally described Judith as sickly and thin.  How could she push him over so easily?

“Bryce turns it the doorknob.” – Remove “it”.

Page 63 – Missing a line above Bryce’s speech box.

The conversation here between Bryce and Judith is again one of those that is here only because Lydia is listening, so she “knows” what’s going on.  On the nose?  Like Pinocchio’s giant nose!

Why in the world wouldn’t there be “forensic specialists” involved with all these suspicious deaths at the clinic?

Page 64 – I don’t buy it that Lydia would all of a sudden decide to attack Bryce like that.  I also don’t buy it that Bryce would think she was there for sex.  No way on either account.

Page 66 – “Holy shit. You’re right.” – Coop isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, is he?  With all that Lydia just told him, she neglected to tell him that she just whacked old Bryce over the head and knocked him out. I would imagine she’d be running for the car about now, or maybe using her cell phone to call for help?  No, that would be a plot problem, wouldn’t it?  OK, let’s see where we go now.  Still 1/3 of the script to play out, but it feels like we’re in the finale.

And why in the world would she hand over the papers to Coop?  She ain’t too bright either, I reckon.

Save the drunk driver, not yourself!  C’mon!

Page 68 – Probably not a good idea to lick the face of someone you just used a chemical on to knock out, is it?

The old, “There’s money in it for you too, if you don’t nark us out.”  Cheesy, clichéd, not working…

Page 69 – “Bryce stumbles backward and slams his back against the wall. The force causes one of Coop’s eyes to pop halfway out of its socket. His eyeball turns pink as the blood vessels rupture.” – WTF?  Huh?  Coop’s eyeball just popped out of the socket from being choked for a few seconds by a guy in his 60’s?  Oh boy, things are racing downhill at this point, I’m sorry to say.

Page 70 - “Bryce tightens his grip. Coop’s throat caves in. His tongue protrudes unnaturally from his mouth. It slides down the side of his face and comes to rest on the floor. His body goes still.” – Now this guy in his 60’s just crushed Coop’s throat and Coop’s tongue fell out of his mouth because of this?  James, what happened here?  We’ve gone into the realms of complete wackiness.  This is comical.

Page 71 – Ah, that trusty paperclip again.  Don’t leave home without a couple!

Page 72 – “…The scissors tear Lydia’s scrubs to shreds.”  I doubt that this action would tear her scrubs to shreds…or even close.

What a fight!  Judith is a beast!  The hurling is unreal!  And Lydia should actually join the circus or something with her syringe throwing prowess.  Amazing!

Page 76 – So Coop doesn’t lock his car, while it sits in the parking lot all night?  And he has a pair of keys sitting in the car?  No…no…no way.

So, Lydia finds the car keys, and then goes back into the clinic?  I’m lost here.  What is going on…and why?

Page 82 – Now Lydia has been transformed into Wonder Woman!  Carrying a collapsible wheelchair and even throwing it with deadly accuracy.  Everything has gotten so completely over the top, I’m almost wondering if this is supposed to be a comedy.

How long was Bryce gone?  Apparently, not very long.  As with most of this, time is not working here or making sense.

“Meddling cunt!” – An R rated version of the classic Scooby Doo bad guy dialogue at the end.  Now, I’m seriously wondering if this is a comedy or not.

Page 83 – “The strikes him in the face and breaks his glasses.” – Doesn’t make any sense…missing some words or something.

Bryce should have been a professional fighter instead of a doctor. He is unstoppable…especially for a man in his 60’s!

Page 84 – You’ve already used the Slug “BLOOD BANK”, and it was in the hospital the first time.  Another problem of not being consistent with your Slugs.

Page 95 – “He knows he can take him time.” – “him” should be “his”.

Page 97 – 3 weeks later and he’s not only all healed up but he also has all the Dental work done?  Wow, as I’ve said over and over, this guy is simply amazing.  The world’s most amazing man!

Hey Jeff. Thanks for the read. I have to say, after reading three of my scripts, you sure know how to do a number on my self confidence, haha. Nevertheless, I completely understand what you're doing and appreciate it very much. No bullshit on your part. I get it and I think every writer could use someone like you on their side. I'd invite you to read my future scripts but I won't since after three strikes, it seems to be to your detriment. You're certainly not uninvited though. I can take whatever you've got. :)

First off, I've just recently submitted a new draft. This is not it. Judging from your review, I doubt it'd do much for you but I think I've certainly fixed the issue of a feeble old couple going head to head with their youthful staff. Honestly, I never pictured the Savages to be old or feeble, just ugly. I completely understand where you're coming from in that regard. I think so far, it's a matter of poor word choice on my part since the vibe people have been getting about these characters couldn't be further from what I intended. So I've got that stuff covered.

I've never heard of Coma. Perhaps I'll check it out. Barely any influence for this script came from other movies so honestly, I can't say if it's derivative or not. Same deal as Red Storm, which we've also discussed.

In regards to life outside the clinic, I can also see where you're coming from. This was meant to be a script that could be produced for low budget. I wanted to write a script with essentially one location. I did try to give glimpses of the character's outside life. Most of it comes through the dialogue, not the scenes themselves. I tried to infer as much as I could in that regard. Also, I did consider the fact that the Savages don't sleep. Basically, I feel they don't sleep much but they certainly do. I figured the Savages have a drive in them that keeps them moving throughout their daily (and nightly) lives. Also, I'm very aware how little is going on at the clinic. The issue of no patients is why the place is getting shut down in the first place.

In regards to the pacing, I'm a big fan of slow burning horror movies. A lot of people are not. I understand that I'm in the minority. I think I'm one of the few people who didn't think the first hour and twenty minutes of Audition was boring. I like for things to be going on under the surface, which is a difficult thing to accomplish. Maybe I do. Maybe I don't.

The conversation about insurance, you're on point about. It's far too obvious. I'll see what I can do in terms of expanding a reasonable margin of doubt. Nevertheless, I think I might have Lydia try the police anyway. There's all sorts of ways things can get complicated in that regard.

As for the rest, I don't know. You say you've read all the comments here so I don't know what else to say. Some of your comments relate to issues that haven't been touched on yet. Some I may have to think about. But overall, I don't think I can appease you. Some of your comments, I flat out disagree with. Others I feel are simply differences of opinion. I think if every comment you made was fact, my script would be unsalvageable. This is something I just don't believe at all. I don't even think it's a bad script. I don't let pride get to me and I'll be the first to admit a failure on my part (read Black Market for that; 100% failure) but at this point, I honestly feel we're two different writers with completely different methods and taste and sometimes we're just going to have to agree to disagree (although personally, I enjoy your writing). That's not to say your advice is useless. On the contrary. I still welcome it very much. I'm not a writer who takes things personally and I believe you're completely sincere in saying you want to help. In the end, I have a lot more respect for a review that completely trashes a script and backs up everything said than a review that's straight praise.

Thanks again, Jeff. After two of my features and one of my shorts before this, I'm honestly surprised you've checked this one out. I sincerely appreciate it.

Hey James, glad you’re not pissed.  Everything I said was from the heart.  After re-reading what I wrote in my page by page notes, I see I was being a bit sarcastic and maybe even dicky.  I apologize for that.  I think I was getting frustrated with the script, and I’m glad you took everything in the vein it was intended.  In no way am I trying to crush your self confidence, and I’m sorry if it seems that way.

Did I give negative comments on a short of yours as well?  Nothing personal.  I just say what I feel, and I always try to be as honest as I can, but I think you know that, so that’s cool.

Good job on fixing up the Savages, as they sure don’t come across the way you intended in this draft.

Coma is a Robin Cook novel that was turned into a popular movie (in the late 70’s, I think).  He had a number of similar novels following the success of Coma. For what it was, it was a good flick, probably quite dated now, though.

I hear what you’re saying about wanting to write a low budget script that could play out in a few locations.  I also hear you about trying to provide info about characters outside lives through dialogue, but for me, I didn’t get much here.  Did you ramp that aspect up in the new draft?  I think it would definitely help.  As for the sleep deal of the Savages, it’s a tough thing to deal with.  The way it reads now, there just literally isn’t any time for them to do anything, let alone sleep, as they’re always at the clinic, and what they’re doing there is a mystery, as nothing seems to be going on there.  If there wasn’t the car accident, what is going on there?  I mean, seriously, what does Lydia and Coop do?  What do the savages do?  That was a BIG issue for me in the reality check department.

I am also a big fan of slow burning horror movies.  I really am.  Most of my favorites are of this nature.  And you know my Fade to White is definitely in this category.  I loved Audition for what it was, and the first hour and twenty minutes was enjoyable to me only because I knew something wild was going to happen.  I remember watching it the first time with my girlfriend, and she thought I was nuts sitting through all the nothingness (especially, since it is dubbed).  What a payoff, though!  Absolutely shocking!

I don’t think I brought up anything about insurance, did I?  Maybe the whole conversation between Lydia and Coop and the fact that it was obvious there was definitely something amiss.  My point, I think, was just that both of them should have had a clue and done something, other than start acting like Scooby Doo, cause neither of their characters seemed to be of that nature, based on what was written.

You don’t need to appease me, James!  I was just throwing out what didn’t work and why.  Sometimes it takes a new set of eyes, and anew mindset to see where things are going astray, but you’re right, it’s definitely a difference of opinion.

What comments do you flat out disagree with, out of curiosity?  Your script is far from unsalvageable, and I’m sorry if my comments made it seem hat way.  Not my intention at all.  I don’t think we’re all that different, and I enjoy your writing as well.  I really do…that’s why I read your scripts.

I’m glad you take my feedback for what it is.  And I hope in some way, what I said does help.

If there’s anything else I can do to help, I’m available.  Just let me know.

Take care, bud and best to you!

Quoted from Dreamscale Did I give negative comments on a short of yours as well?  Nothing personal.  I just say what I feel, and I always try to be as honest as I can, but I think you know that, so that’s cool.

Mix CD but those comments were completely founded and correct.

Quoted from Dreamscale Coma is a Robin Cook novel that was turned into a popular movie (in the late 70’s, I think).  He had a number of similar novels following the success of Coma. For what it was, it was a good flick, probably quite dated now, though.

Checked it out on Wikipedia. Apparently, Michael Crichton directed it. Weird. Honestly, it seems to have more in common with my script than I'm usually comfortable with. The hook is completely different though as does the tone. I'll have to see it.

Quoted from Dreamscale I hear what you’re saying about wanting to write a low budget script that could play out in a few locations.  I also hear you about trying to provide info about characters outside lives through dialogue, but for me, I didn’t get much here.  Did you ramp that aspect up in the new draft?  I think it would definitely help.  As for the sleep deal of the Savages, it’s a tough thing to deal with.  The way it reads now, there just literally isn’t any time for them to do anything, let alone sleep, as they’re always at the clinic, and what they’re doing there is a mystery, as nothing seems to be going on there.  If there wasn’t the car accident, what is going on there?  I mean, seriously, what does Lydia and Coop do?  What do the savages do?  That was a BIG issue for me in the reality check department.

What I tried to do with the clinic is create an environment that's not entirely functional that receives very few patients. That's why the place is being shut down. Lydia and Coop both have a lot of downtime so they end up just shooting the breeze. Coop is the receptionist so he's usually where he's supposed to be and Lydia is on call so she's not busy unless there's patients. As for the Savages, their business is meant to be a little more mysterious. Perhaps I screwed up some here, especially with Bryce. Judith sort of plays the role of watchdog for him, getting in everyone's face and snooping around but honestly, I couldn't tell you what Bryce is doing at all times. This is probably something I need to address. Still, the lack of activity around the place, whether or not it's unrealistic, is intentional.

Quoted from Dreamscale I don’t think I brought up anything about insurance, did I?  Maybe the whole conversation between Lydia and Coop and the fact that it was obvious there was definitely something amiss.  My point, I think, was just that both of them should have had a clue and done something, other than start acting like Scooby Doo, cause neither of their characters seemed to be of that nature, based on what was written.

This is the "insurance" scene indeed and you are correct. It's too obvious. I've since rewritten the scene. Now instead of dozens of dead people in the records, there's only a few. I've also thrown in that the dayshift receptionist isn't particularly responsible when it comes to filing information. The conversation's much more based on hearsay and strange anomalies now than blatant clues that the Savages have got something to hide. Maybe you could take another look at the scene when it's up.

In regards to the Scooby Doo business, this was taken from Italian giallo films in which the protagonists are always snooping around instead of having things happen to them. I don't know. This was my first attempt at mystery so maybe it's a little shaky.

Quoted from Dreamscale What comments do you flat out disagree with, out of curiosity?  Your script is far from unsalvageable, and I’m sorry if my comments made it seem hat way.  Not my intention at all.  I don’t think we’re all that different, and I enjoy your writing as well.  I really do…that’s why I read your scripts.

I disagree that the characters are undeveloped on all accounts except for maybe Coop but even his background is touched on somewhat. Lydia's overall outlook on life is explained in her first scene with Coop and it affects all of her decisions throughout the film, especially with Mitch whom she hates for being a drunk driver. That's her base development. As for life outside the clinic, I indicated that she's just broken up with a boyfriend. It's implied (way more in the new draft than in the first) that it's because of her somewhat cold outlook that I've explained above. So she's going through a breakup pretty much the whole script. When she gets the call from the blood bank, I have her watching TV and drinking wine. Maybe it seems incidental but I believe she does this quite often. It's her "me-time" so to speak. She's got a depressive nature so this seems appropriate, even more so because she's going through a break up. Still, when she visits her old job, she puts on a new face. She can be somewhat warm when she wants to be. This is also further emphasized in the new draft.

Honestly, I think that's pretty developed, even though a lot of it comes through glimpses and references. I think if a viewer's basically attentive throughout, they'll get a good sense of who she is.

Mitch is in a similar situation. Even the Savages aren't a perfectly functional couple. There's flux between them, partly because of Lydia but the way they behave around each other should suggest they've been in flux for some time while Lydia has just recently started working for them.

I understand their outside lives don't actually appear in the film all that much, if at all but I did try very hard to develop these characters and all of their decisions are made for a reason other than keeping the plot going.

I also can't, for the life of me, find what's comical about the dialogue, except for maybe a handful of instances which I've since addressed. I'd imagine realism is a factor but rereading the scenes you've mentioned, I just don't see how it's as bad as your comments suggest. I had similar problems with Red Storm although that script was a lot flashier. Here, I laid off the one-liners. It's just dialogue here. Maybe it's not fantastic but out of all the things that one could pick at in this script, I don't see how the dialogue could catch someone's attention so hard.

The only particular comment I disagreed with that doesn't fall into larger categories was Coop leaving the keys in his car. There's only two cars in the parking lot, no one shows up at the place and it's surrounded by forest. I didn't think it was all that much of a hard sell although I've since changed this as well. I can imagine a lot of people might have the same problem. My main reason for doing this was to give Lydia a hand, so to speak. Most horror movies nowadays seem to completely cut off the characters from the things they need. I thought I might upset that stereotype by inserting something seemingly miraculous.

Anyway, I don't think you were implying the script is unsalvageable. Even if you were, I've got thick skin. I wouldn't agree as I said before but I believe if I'm going to be a good writer, I have to take all comments into consideration. Naturally, if you read a review where essentially everything is bad and it hits you all at once, it's going to have some sort of effect on you, especially if you actually take pride in the particular work.

Glad you actually like the writing though, haha. To a certain extent it seems, anyway. Thanks again.

Coma is an old movie, but it was quite good at its time. I made that connection as well with your script. The major difference between Coma and yours was that when Coma came out it was fresh and terrifying to think this could happen.

You should check it out. It's still decent, even if not as scary.

Pia  :)

I read this one. As you indicated, I can see the overall simplicity of the story and location use. The core story isn't too bad either, and your characters are fairly decent as well. I think Coop could use some work, but Lydia is decently filled out.

For a thriller, it needed either more character or more cat and mouse, depending on what you want to go for. Thrillers tend to focus on the cat and mouse, but on a small  scale like you have, you could work on the characters too. It's up to you, but that second act drags just a smidge, so one or the other would keep the interest up.

I think the tattoo thing is unnecessary (just to hit on something I was watching for), since none of those ornaments come up at any time, and it serves as little more than a conversation piece. Since tattoos are fairly common place, they don't really serve as much of a character bit either. Freud, doctor, tinkerbell. Plus, they see each other daily, so it's not like they wouldn't have had this conversation before. I basically saw what looked like a setup, and waited for a payoff that never came.

I think the overall motivation for what's going on is sound enough. You can't get much more universal than money. The evil pair was a nice twin bad guy combo. It would have been nice if they were more distinct from each other instead of identical twins with different names. Perhaps some slight moral differences or doing it for different reasons or something. Some conflict between them would have been nice.

What I think this story lacks most is a subplot. Something to parallel the primary storyline to either accentuate it or foreshadow it. This one is all about the chase. And while the chase is fine, we need something to break it up. Something to both distract from the primary plot and to make us want to come back to it. But it also needs to be relevant. It's your story, so I wouldn't presume anything for this.

The lack of subplot, however, is what lead to the biggest problem in the entire script: the ending. The damn thing wouldn't end. I get that it ran short, but seriously... It honestly ended around page 88, and I wondered how the heck you were going to fill another 12 pages. Then I found out and where I was interested in the rest of the script, I got bored with the excessive 2nd climax. Not only is it long, it's contrived. Everything else worked pretty good. I could follow reasoning and logic, but the end? The bad guy gets up, and just happens to take the same road as the good guys who just happen to run off the road and just happen to run over a branch that just happens to puncture the gas tank. Maybe that's the only way out, but that's never stated anywhere. I know Mitch is in bad shape, but why did they go down the road instead of going to her apartment? Or someone else close? Even a restaurant? There are so many options once they hit the car that it loses all believablility at that point. If I shot it, I would cut the entire ending and kill the move at page 88 when they stumble to her car. At that point, it's over.

I get the poetic ending. It's kinda funny. But it took so much to get there that it lost its steam.

Overall, I like the storyline and such. It needs some work here and there, but it could shape up to something pretty decent. I'll read a new draft if you revise it.

And now I'll go back over some of the other comments...

Thanks for reading, George! You're right on just about all counts. I did try to make Bryce and Judith more distinguishable and create some tension between them but I suppose I didn't take it far enough. I didn't like the sound of this though...

Quoted from George Willson The bad guy gets up, and just happens to take the same road as the good guys who just happen to run off the road and just happen to run over a branch that just happens to puncture the gas tank.

I suppose most of this is my fault but I despise conventions like cars conveniently breaking down. I guess I didn't need to have the branch puncture the gas tank, that much is true. They could've just been stuck in the ditch. However, like you said, this one road was the only way out. I figure one direction goes into town and the other further into the forest. Also, Mitch is losing a lot of blood and basically zones out at the wheel. Hence the car crash. Like I said, anything that's not clear is my fault but I most certainly thought this through.

As for the script not ending, I wouldn't have been satisfied with leaving off where you suggested. I wasn't trying to be contrived and while it is a logical closure point, dramatically I don't think it would have worked at all.

There's still a lot of problems with this script. Originally, it was supposed to be a straight up slasher but I changed my mind somewhere in the process and reworked it as a mystery/giallo. The biggest issue is the general lack of action. I'm not sure how to go about some of these problems at this point but I hope to get to that point soon.

Quoted from James McClung Thanks for reading, George! You're right on just about all counts. I did try to make Bryce and Judith more distinguishable and create some tension between them but I suppose I didn't take it far enough. I didn't like the sound of this though... I suppose most of this is my fault but I despise conventions like cars conveniently breaking down. I guess I didn't need to have the branch puncture the gas tank, that much is true. They could've just been stuck in the ditch. However, like you said, this one road was the only way out. I figure one direction goes into town and the other further into the forest. Also, Mitch is losing a lot of blood and basically zones out at the wheel. Hence the car crash. Like I said, anything that's not clear is my fault but I most certainly thought this through.

I guess I didn't get that there was one road in and out of where the clinic was. This leads me to wonder about the logic of a clinic that isolated. Who would build such a thing? What is the purpose of this clinic's existence? What conglomeration or independent contractor thought it would be a good idea to build a clinic in the middle of nowhere? That might be something worthwhile to add to your boardroom scene: why is this clinic here? It would be part of the Savages' argument to keep it open.

Quoted from James McClung As for the script not ending, I wouldn't have been satisfied with leaving off where you suggested. I wasn't trying to be contrived and while it is a logical closure point, dramatically I don't think it would have worked at all. There's still a lot of problems with this script. Originally, it was supposed to be a straight up slasher but I changed my mind somewhere in the process and reworked it as a mystery/giallo. The biggest issue is the general lack of action. I'm not sure how to go about some of these problems at this point but I hope to get to that point soon.

I've done this as well. My first script went from a conventional slasher to something a little more interesting as I wrote it. It took on its own life little by little (and rewrite by rewrite). I think the problem isn't so much HOW you ended it. It's more or less just how long the ending is. You have two characters facing off against two bad guys. One is defeated and the other is seemingly defeated. I think the biggest problem is that everything feels closed. There aren't any loose ends.

I know ending the script at 88 wouldn't give you the death of Lydia, but what dramatic purpose does her death serve? It also wouldn't give you the open-ended question mark ending of whether the board was involved in these body sales schemes. That one serves a fascinating "sequel-worthy" purpose, but doesn't add to the core story.

So if you can find a way to not close the story, then you can keep the tension ratcheted up as they get to the car. Right now, there's no tension. You're at the end of the film, and it feels over. A conventional over to be sure, but over all the same. Then, surprise, it's not over. But it's not a good surprise. Those are the moments when I look at my watch and wonder why we're still going. But if there's a dramatic reason to keep going, then we've got a reason to stay glued. Your villain needs a reason to give chase besides "just cause" as well.

Here's a thought. Mitch clearly doesn't kill Bryce, but manages to trap him somehow. He finds Lydia hurt as she is, but before they leave, they retrieve the shredded invoices from the office and their plan is to go to the police and hope they get there before Bryce can escape. Establish early that there is one road into the clinic and that there's only one possible escape, so they get on it, and Mitch drives since he's in better shape. Lydia knows his condition, and while she can't talk, she needs to indicate her knowledge of how bad off he is visually. The car would be better off rolling to a halt instead being damaged, but they're going to be pretty determined to get to town, since they'll both die if they don't. So, Bryce escapes and gets outside just as tail lights disappear. He follows and may go ahead and force them off the road. It would be more dramatic. Lydia could take off from there with the precious invoices as Mitch feebly attempts to "hold him off". Of course, injured as he is, Mitch doesn't have a prayer. Play out from there.

But you need a good dramatic reason for Lydia dying. Something where her death is not only poetic but wholly justified and expected. We won't want her to die, but we'll understand it when it happens. That's some character building to make that happen.

In regards to the clinic's location, I figure it was a primary healthcare center years back then replaced by a new, more accessible hospital. I mentioned earlier in the threat that the place was inspired by the clinic in Ithaca, NY which is essentially out in the middle of nowhere. Then again, so is Ithaca. In my defense.

I do like the idea of trapping Bryce. Perhaps Mitch could drag him into cold storage while he's in a daze like in The Shining. In that one, Jack was still alive when it happened so no one could say he just happens to come back. I did consider Bryce running them off the road as well. In fact, I would've preferred it. I opted for what happens now for the sake of keeping the script low budget. I might just go back to that (although I never wrote that scene to begin with).

Initially, Lydia was supposed to live. I opted to have her die as a means to affirm her beliefs that the world is full of selfish backstabbers. Not so much poetic as nihilistic but it does have meaning to me. This is something I'm not currently open to changing for said reasons.

"Just cause" is no reason to do anything though. You're correct. I never thought that was what I was doing but I do suppose the script needs more drive for the last couple pages.

Quoted from James McClung I do like the idea of trapping Bryce. Perhaps Mitch could drag him into cold storage while he's in a daze like in The Shining. In that one, Jack was still alive when it happened so no one could say he just happens to come back. I did consider Bryce running them off the road as well. In fact, I would've preferred it. I opted for what happens now for the sake of keeping the script low budget. I might just go back to that (although I never wrote that scene to begin with).

One car running the other off the road wouldn't increase the budget since you can fake your way through that. A few cuts along with some well placed acting and sound effects and you can rip up a couple vehicles without them ever touching.

Quoted from James McClung Initially, Lydia was supposed to live. I opted to have her die as a means to affirm her beliefs that the world is full of selfish backstabbers. Not so much poetic as nihilistic but it does have meaning to me. This is something I'm not currently open to changing for said reasons. "Just cause" is no reason to do anything though. You're correct. I never thought that was what I was doing but I do suppose the script needs more drive for the last couple pages.

I think I missed her belief about the world being full of selfish backstabbers. That works as long as her character and the story support it. Killing off your main character is tricky and it's got to mean something to the audience, or it will come off as a "just cause" move.

Since you're killing off your lead, foreshadowing would be very, very beneficial, especially if we like her. See, you don't want to telegraph that she'll live if she'll live because we expect it but want to feel like she's in danger. However, telegraphing that she'll die brings the story to a different level because that automatically makes the audience root for her even more because now we don't want her to die.

wanted to take a look at a thriller script and this one seemed pretty popular so i decided to give it a go.

First off, everything flows very nicely.  Thrillers need the plot to go from a to b to c and you did a great job there.

I noticed a couple of typos and formatting errors but since this script has been up on the site for a good while I'm sure you have a new draft at home.  In any case they weren't major and don't distract from the plot.

I was very much into the action until the fighting began.  A couple of the wounds are way too serious for the characters to continue fighting.  i mean scissors through lydia's hands and she still can fight for another 20 minutes?   This in addition to a needle completely through her thigh and a pole through her chest.  She is the bionic women my friend.  I seriously thought she died with the IV pole.  The fact that she survived completely threw the credibility out of the window for me.  Look at it this way, Judith dies from blood loss due to needle point wounds in her jugular.  Now while that blood vessel is major, the wounds couldn't have been that much worse than a pole shaped hole in your chest.    

The syringe fight was gruesome to say the least and not in a bad way.  Although wouldn't needles in your eyes cause some form of blindness?  

Now Bryce must be hoped up on PCP or something to be such a marauding maniac.  He takes a fire extinguisher to the face, losing teeth and most likely breaking his jaw but keeps on ticking.  

for me the ending was fine.  Although dying from a heart attack hardly classify as justice and we never find out what the bodies were being bought for.