Living the Dream by Ophelia - Short, Comedy - Everyone dreams of a life filled with glamor, money and sex.  Few have the balls to live it. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Not really sure what I just read.

I mean, it was well-written and all, but it seemed like the beginning scene of a feature.  Kind of like a, "Here, meet the characters" kind of scene.  As a short though, it just doesn't really work.  As a short, the story arc is basically: porn actor has a tuft, they shave it while wanking him, and then continue to shoot.    There are some cute asides contained within the script, but it just doesn't really do anything in the end.

So, to sum up, your writing is good (descriptions and dialogue), but I'm wondering what you plan on doing with this.

Opheila,

Surely you had some 'Boogie Nights' going on in your head here?

Amusing little skit. It does feel a little like you've taken a scene from a feature and dropped it on blank paper and voila! we have a short. Nothing wrong with that, of course. What happens then is a demand for something to be entertaining in lieu of something more meaningful. Largely, you've succeeded. The 'Assistant' was some comic relief, if you will, as was the 'Fluffer' - is that a real role? I have a friend who would love that!

Your writing was good, and it cracked along for the most part; however there did feel a little lull in pace around pages 4-5, which to me suggests it was overly long for what is a pretty simple concept.

Some witty dialogue, and I liked how you conveyed your intended camera angles well through your descriptions.

Anyway, it was an amusing skit and a nod - intentional or not - to PTA. To any PTA fans out there, I think 'There Will Be Blood' is his masterpiece, but I digress.

Andrew

Hey Ophelia,

you've been reading a lot lately so I thought I'd give your short a read.

I have to side with Dressel here. I thought your writing was good and in places it was funny too. One thing about shorts though is that they still have to be stories. Otherwise they are just a scene (or less) from a longer piece.
I didn't see a story here.

I also thought you had too many characters for a short short. In that amount of time we didn't have time to really connect with any one particular character. Therefore, there was no protag/hero nor a antag/villain.

Don't be discouraged. Like I said, the writing was good and funny too sometimes.

Pia  :-)

Hi Ophelia. I thought this was really funny and well done!

Wow, a fluffer character? Awesome! I didn't know about them till I read Ron Jeremy's autobiog last year. So I used it in one of my scripts.

This works well as is - a comedy skit. Cheers

Hi Ophelia,

As promised, time for me to review your short. Funny and realistic story, assuming this your first script you submitted on the site. Guess this is not the first one you ever wrote, or if it is, good job.

I liked the tiny details you put in it, hoping all this wasn’t written after your own experience (lol)

About the formatting, minor issues :

forget the (CONT’D)
some action could be put in paranthesis
I don’t think you need to capitalize your first word in paranthesis

Congrats for your short. I feel you’ll soon join Pia in to the feminine kinky pantheon.

Michel 8)

BTW, thank you for learning me what a Fluffer was …

Ophelia,

I'm sure I've seen your name on some comments around here lately so I thought I'd give this a spin.

Excellent title, I used to say that when I did a shitty office job. Every day.

Logline was good too.

I like Vanessa already. And I've only just met her.

I can't say I've ever read anything like before. I was laughing out loud a lot. I also couldn't quite mention what I was laughing at to those in earshot.

The tuft line was excellent.

You obviously very familiar with the world of porn. I mean that in the nicest possible. I, obviously, have never seen any porn. I use the internet strictly for business and writing purposes. I have no idea who Jenna Jameson is, and the wily female charms of Dora Venter never cross my screen.

I also don't keep tissues any where near my monitor.

I can't fault the writing. Technically and creatively it read as perfect.

I was slightly disappointed at the end though. I'm not sure if it was because I was sorry it ended of it I felt it needed to go out on a bigger bang. Probably both.

To those out there who aren't of a sensitive nature I urge you to read this.

Re

Wow, entirely surprised at the amount of responses, thanks all of you.  Also thanks to the site for getting this up so quick.
The original thought for this was to come up with a script that I had not seen on this site, and of course I thought of a porn script (that would hopefully be read as a bit of a comedy).  But that seemed maybe a little risque so it became a short about the porn industry instead.

I'll try to respond more or less in order:

Dressel:  Absolutely the story is a bit lacking, I'm working on some longer stuff that was just draggin on and on and wanted to get something up and out there. I think if this ever gets expanded it would be primarily about Joseph, who is entirely without glamour.  But I don't have a particular story arc in mind yet.  Glad the writing was decent though, thats what I was hoping for.

Andrew: Definately had a little boogie nights in the background there.  I agree that it slows a bit towards the end, that's about where I ran out of jokes and was trying to get it to finish.  I'd always thought 'fluffer' was a pretty well known role, but maybe just with the people i'm around.  I think generally they use their mouths, but that was a little direct for this story.

Pia:  Thanks for the read, again I agree its a little shallow on the story.  I was going for a bit of a whirlwind feel which is why there's so many characters, but I can see how I might want to work on it.  If I do develop a story it would definately focus on one or two of all those characters, with the rest just being in and out.

Stevie:  Glad you liked it, especially if you think it works as its own skit.  I didn't think twice about the fluffer character, but she seems to be the favorite, I'll have to keep that in mind if I work on this more.

Michel:  Thanks for the formatting tips, this is the first script I've tried and I learned everything from the comments other scripts recieved on this site, so that's very helpful.  Those (cont'd) are inserted by CELTX, I'll have to find where to get rid of them, and I'll redo the parantheticals.  Thanks for the read.

Rendevous:  Yea the title actually comes from my job too, when I'm getting paid tax-payer money to sit around and read scripts online.  relieved you liked the logline, I was a bit nervous about that.  I can't imagine what you're insinuating when you say I'm familiar with porn.  This was an entirely imaginative piece. ;)   I too am dissapointed with the ending, I was a little anxious to get something up, and wanting to see if I was way off base with even trying scripts.  I think I kind of lapsed into a more brooding tone that I would be using if this was a longer piece, but with only six pages there isn't really room for that.  If this becomes longer I'd be going for a darkly comic look at porn without the glamor.

Thanks again to each of you, the encouragement is great, and the critisisms very helpful for future ideas.  I think I've read and enjoyed scripts from all of you, so I very much appreciate your opinions.

Hello Ophelia,

Not bad script, well written and easy to read.  I do have to side with Dresel and that the story is lacking.

I see that you're trying to inject a story with some humour but didn't quite work.  Porn is a tough subject to handle, especially when all the good storylines are covered by Phil.  Funny enough I'm halfway through my version and hopefully will have it finished by Friday.  And so I recognise it ain't easy.

You are correct regarding the fluffer and that mouths are the preferred method of choice.

Was this your first effort?

I would write stud as Stud and fluffer as Fluffer as they are characters hanging around your porn set.

One last thing:

Quoted from Ophelia Those (cont'd) are inserted by CELTX, I'll have to find where to get rid of them, and I'll redo the parantheticals.

Go to TypeSet - Format Options (next to Save PDF) - MORES AND CONTINUEDS.

Then you're set.

All the best,


Javier

I liked this a lot - it was funny, and had a reality to it that underlined the humour of the situation. I would say that as a self contained scene, it is fine - it has a beginning, middle and end, and introduces it's characters nicely, within it's brief running time.

I've seen feature films that don't have this good a structure!

"The crew parts as he wades back into the fray, Moses of the porno crew".

This is a really great line, and you don't always get the most interesting writing in the scene descriptions!

I can see this being expanded into a longer script, bringing out the characters more - but even as it is it is very good.

Thanks Javier and Niles, your reads are appreciated.

Javier:  Yes this is my first try, so thanks for the tips. I wasn't sure about fluffer and stud since those are just descriptions as well as names, but I'll go ahead and captilize them.  Also thanks for showing me how to get rid of the contds.  That's why I wanted to get something up, to figure out those little details.  Anyways, sorry you weren't too into it, but thanks for the read.

Niles:  Happy you liked it, you seem to be in the small camp that thinks it's self sufficient, which is good to hear.  The way it plays in my head it certainly works alone, but I understand how it doesn't necessarily read that way.  So thanks for your comments, do you have anything up so I can return the favor?

It's a good script. Just goes a little off at the end. A lot of imagination and work gone in. As Niles mentioned with the Moses line, very visual and one nearly anyone would get. Well, you know what I mean.

The insinuation I made what frankly typical of mine, I figured after writing that script I could get away with a a bit of cheek to the author. The sex, the drugs, the drink, the bizarre relationships porn people have, the terminology. I'd better stop there.

IMH I think the end needs a bit more of a punch to go out on. Even just a cheeky punch line. Hang on, I'll read the piece again...

I dunno. Even if the Viagra failed or the Fluffer failed and a fight ensued. Things were said. At the moment it seems it cuts off just before it's about to go back to where we came in. Ahem.

Niles was also right about the structure.

The BN thing is the only film I know of that made a decent stab at telling a great story about the porn industry so this is ripe ground to write something good about. I wish you the very best with it.  

Thanks for the offer, Ophelia. I am hoping to post something very shortly, and if/when I do, any feedback will be welcome.

Hey Ophelia

I've got to agree with the majority here and say this feels like the beginning of something longer, but that's not a bad thing because you created some good characters and a funny situation.  I'm slightly disappointed as I now want to read more about them and their lives in the wonderfully strange world of the sex industry...and the fluffer obviously lol.  Anywho this was nicely written and I enjoyed what there was of it.

Thanks alffy, I hadn't really considered it worth expanding, but Ill have to reconsider.  Glad you (mostly) liked it.

Nicely done. Reminded me of the beginning of a script I once read; JACK HAMMER: MALE STEWARDESS (which was hilarious).

Certainly has some humor here and it's done in a way that's not intrusive, hmm... how to say what I'm thinking...the story extends beyond the porn industry? So to do that, you had to get some character going and some decent dialogue, which you did.

I liked this, it's a taboo subject that i think many a comedy could be born from. Not to say i haven't watched one or too myself.

Your writing was goo, dialogue felt true to the situation.

i had a problem with the way Sharon was intorduced. I thought he was talking to Vanessa at first. I think you should introduce her using her name in caps. i completely missed the character change.

All in all nice work. "Living the Dream"?? nice title. I always wanted a fluffer.

James

Nicely written, Ophelia. The action was well described and made it highly visual, with a couple of great lines in there too.
However, this felt like an opening for a much larger story. You've introduced a lot of characters in the space of six pages, and also a neat little set-up for something bigger going on in the relationship between Joseph and Sharon, which hints towards something darker, and more profuund running beneath the comedy, but it doesn't really lead anywhere so far.

Best,

H

Ophelia

Great opening to this, I was wondering what the hell after the "suck your dick" line until the porn set was revealed, nice touch with that. Coincidentally, I just watched
"Boogie Nights" for only the second time a couple of weeks back.

Plenty to like about this, I loved the hysteria which echoes through the set when Dirk says he's getting "soft", it had me laughing. Also, the new fluffer doing her bit to resurrect Dirk for the scene.

As a few have already pointed out there are some grammatical errors and technical stuff but as you say it’s yours first try, it’s understandable and you will learn all the "do and don'ts" as you go along. The important thing you are able to construct a scene and write believable dialogue, thus creating believable characters, something that’s a lot harder to teach then the technical stuff.

JOSEPH
You got a couple shades before
you’re in trouble. -- Snappy line, I liked it.

SHARON
To resolve my daddy issues? -- Ha, great line.

JOSEPH
(Over his shoulder)
I’m not a masochist, Sharon. -- This kinda’ came out of nowhere, seemed a little un-warranted.

I really enjoyed this, very cool, clever and witty. The ending however left me disappointed, maybe because I was enjoying it so much I didn't want it to end so soon. I think you could definitely take this and flesh out a bigger story like a 12-15 pager or something. As it stands, its just a scene really rather than an actual fully rounded story.

I'm curious about the relationship between Joseph and Sharon and would like to learn more about them. In their brief exchange I found them to be likeable, realistic and above all interesting people. Again a credit to your dialogue throughout, it felt very natural and funny in places.

Good effort for a first try, very good in fact. I'd like to see where you take it from here.

Col.

Thanks for the read Cloroxmartini, yea i was definately trying to have at least one or two characters that were real people outside of the industry they worked in.

James, yea I had a little issue with that paragraph where sharon's introduced too.  I was mostly trying to avoid just blatantly writing:  'A middle aged woman with fake breasts walks up, putting her hand on his shoulder.  This is SHARON.' But I'll keep playing with it.  (Also I think the down side with a fluffer is they just keep you going, but dont ever finish the job.)

Harriet, I was definately trying to set Joseph and Sharon apart from the rest of the crew.  The idea was that they had some kind of long relationship, and had been in the industry long enough to be entirely disillusioned.  This would sort of keep them together despite whatever cynicism they had.  Something that would have to be expanded properly to come across.

Colkurtz, thanks for the time, glad you mostly liked it.  I was a bit worried that the awkwardness of the first couple lines would put people off, but hopefully they read long enough to realize the reason for it.  I actually found it harder than expected to write porn dialogue.
I can see how the masochist line comes across a little harsh.  The relationship I had in mind between them was two older people that had had much more than their fill of sex, and mostly enjoyed eachother for their shared cynicism and company.  Somewhere between a very old friendship and a marraige.  So the line is just part of their banter.  I'm thinking about maybe adding her reaction to his remark, like she just smirks or something, showing that this is not something she takes seriously.  If this is ever expanded there would be more time to show their dynamic.

Seems like most people are left a bit unsatisfied by the end.  So far the only storyline i've come up with is Joseph, on the verge of retirement, decides to try to take one of his porn projects and make it without the sex, trying for a real movie.  So it would be the same crew and budget and actors, finding surprising talent (probably in the fluffer)  and less surprising disaster.  Of course the film created would be horrible, but perhaps some hilarity and life lessons would ensue in the meantime.
Not sure that's really enough to float a feature on, but i'll keep thinking about it.
Thanks everyone for the input, it's all been very helpful.

If people were put off by the first couple of lines without reading anymore to found out what was really going, well thats their problem of having a hopelessly short attention span so I wouldn't worry about that.

The way you have it set-up is spot on in my opinion as I was thinking WTF until I read on which is the whole point of it I imagine.

Yeah I know exactly what you are getting at about their type of relationship.

I think it would help alot to show Sharon's reaction to Joseph's remark. It serves as a way of letting the reader in on their relationship and the nature of it as you intended.

Once again, I'll say this had great potential and a solid attempt at a first script, well done

Funny stuff!  my personal favorite was, "we're not going to shoot around your balls, dirk.'  once you know theyre shooting a porno.
I think it would be worth expanding, I think your idea above could work pretty well.  Just have to sell it without lapsing into too much seriousness.  Maybe have Sharon as the writer or something?  Just to give her a reason to be around besides, y'kno, the obvious.
Good luck with it.

Thanks again Colkurtz.

Jackx, thanks as well, happy you liked it.  I was thinking of having sharon kind of be graduated into Josephs assistant kind of position.  But now that you mention that I might her go over the potential scripts and be in charge of changing it from a porno to a real movie.

Is that a Half Baked reference?

Hola Kyle!  Welcome to the wonderful world of SimplyScripts!  

Coming soon:  ATTACK OF THE LAND LOBSTERS!!

----In the quiet suburb of Whereever, CT, a mysterious crustacean menace is lurking.  What starts as innocent lawn mower mangling soon turns into full scale apocolypic toaster consumption.  Will anyone survive?!

Hi Ophelia,

I absolutely loved this, I have to say.

I found it a complete joy to read, and the humour and dialogue are absolutely spot on!

I totally agree with other comments, it was all over too quick (no pun intended). I was a bit dissapointed that it ended when it did.

Can't wait to read your future stuff, this is genius!

Craig

Hey craig, thanks for the encouragement.  Been kinda busy with the day job to be producing much, but eventually I'll get something new up.
Take care