Happy Birthday! by James McClung - Short, Comedy - Mark really shouldn't have told the waiter it was Rob's birthday. 2 pages - pdf, format 8)

James,

Not much to say, really.

Quite funny, and well-written, but with it being devoid of any discernible story, I am kinda left with a "What the f**k?" feeling.

Is this based on something you've seen or something?

Entertaining to a point, but yeh, that's all I have to say.

Andrew

Two sentences for your two page script:

cool situation. made me smile.

Hmm. This actually happened to me a little while ago. The result was not very different. LOL. I liked the script but, honestly, it really didn't have any jokes. Most of the chuckles I got out of it came from your descriptions (proceeds to beat the shit out of him).

It's not a smart comedy and it feels like part of a feature-length, but I enjoyed it  nonetheless.

--Julio

Thanks for the reads, guys.

Quoted from Andrew Quite funny, and well-written, but with it being devoid of any discernible story, I am kinda left with a "What the f**k?" feeling. Is this based on something you've seen or something?

Excellent! WTF is the response I was going for in the end.

This isn't so much based on a true life experience so much as inspired by one. Two, actually. The first was an experience my friend had when he was around 10. We went to Friday's and his mom told the waiters it was his birthday. He found out before they came and was so upset, he left the restaurant, leaving everyone behind for a good half hour. The second experience was at Hooters. My high school went to the Baltimore Aquarium one time and a couple of friends and I went there for pretty much novelty purposes. Anyway, my friend told the waitress it was my birthday (which is wasn't) and I ended up having to dance like an owl in front of the whole place.

Fact is nobody likes getting the happy birthday treatment while eating out and yet people love putting their friends on the spot no matter what the cost. I just thought it'd be funny to have the absolute most outrageous reaction to it. This was basically an exercise to see if I could write a 1-2 pager and have it work. They seem to be getting pretty popular. I just wanted to say I've done it as well.

Less WTF as What's the Point?

It is a scene. It doesn't tell a story. It doesn't establish a narrative. It just is.

You say you just wanted to say you've written a 2 pager - well you have written two pages. But it serves no purpose. It doesn't take us anywhere. Wouldn't it have been better to use your time and energy to try to create a story out of this, rather than recount a anecdote, and not a particularly interesting one at that.

2 pages shouldn't be used as an excuse for a lack of ambition.

James,

just so you know, I got one of your features lined up to read later this week. Meanwhile, I decided to read this one.

I think a lot of us can relate to the scenario. I think most of us know the place and the people. You had everything down right...until the end. I liked how it wasn't really his BD and instead just a way to embarrass. I wasn't crazy about the ending, but if that's the ending you want to go with, you need to add a little more to bring the ball out of the park so to speak. Instead of just saying everyone looks on in horror. Show us some of the things the people do. Some mother covering her kid's eyes. Some guy laughing hysterically and his wife slapping him because she doesn't think it's funny at all. You know what I mean. The ending is okay, but it's a great opportunity to add humor to this script. Show us more reactions from everyone.

Pia  :)

Quoted from Niles_Crane It is a scene. It doesn't tell a story. It doesn't establish a narrative. It just is.

Perfectly valid statement. Fair enough.

Quoted from Niles_Crane But it serves no purpose. It doesn't take us anywhere. Wouldn't it have been better to use your time and energy to try to create a story out of this, rather than recount a anecdote, and not a particularly interesting one at that.

I'll give you it's more of an anecdote than a story but I wouldn't say it serves no purpose. I think it's funny. I mean, imagine if this happened in real life. It'd be completely ridiculous. I've heard most of these 1-2 pagers end up as videos on people's iPods. This really isn't anymore ambitious than that, I'll be honest, but it's in no way a lack of ambition. I don't think this kinda thing would be all that great at 10-15 pages with character development and such. It is what it is. What can I say? I'm not gonna right another one like this.

Quoted from Grandma Bear James, just so you know, I got one of your features lined up to read later this week. Meanwhile, I decided to read this one. I think a lot of us can relate to the scenario. I think most of us know the place and the people. You had everything down right...until the end. I liked how it wasn't really his BD and instead just a way to embarrass. I wasn't crazy about the ending, but if that's the ending you want to go with, you need to add a little more to bring the ball out of the park so to speak. Instead of just saying everyone looks on in horror. Show us some of the things the people do. Some mother covering her kid's eyes. Some guy laughing hysterically and his wife slapping him because she doesn't think it's funny at all. You know what I mean. The ending is okay, but it's a great opportunity to add humor to this script. Show us more reactions from everyone. Pia  :)

Thanks for the read, Pia. I think you might be right about the end although it's meant to end somewhat abruptly. Writing another paragraph about reactions just kinda kills the vibe I think. I don't know. I'll give it a try and see how it turns out. Like I've told Niles, this ain't much and it's not supposed to be. Still, I think you've got a point.

hey, I think I know what you're aiming for...

If you want the ending to be abrupt, make other people around make some gestures while the singing is going on then pause and then wham!!!

Like this one. A big unexpected bam in your face at the end.

Hmm... That actually sums up my intentions pretty good. Wow.

I like your crud descriptions of characters. It gets to the point.

There's no surprise or discovery here. The character announced what he was going to do and went through with is actions.

That commercial had a little bit of a pay off....

It sounds like you just wrote it for the hell of it. I read it for the hell of it, only being two pages. Can't say I was really disappointed.

I would love to see this happen in a restaurant.

James

Just read this. Honestly, I don't get it. The point I mean. I'm new to this format and have as previously posted, become facinated with shorts. You set the scenes just fine, I could see everything. I just don't understand why you would put this out there. This is not a critique. I'm too new at this to even think about that. I'm just a little worried i'm missing something that everyone else can see. Some time tonight I'm going get around to reading a few more of your stories and maybe gain some insight.

Hello James,

This script is so so.  I see what you're getting at but the ending isn't really an ending.  Just dramatic and that wasn't funny as it's not really some sort of comeback.  I thought he was going to throw shit at Mark, now that's a comeback.

Javier

James

Nice job for a two pager. I loved the "T.G.I Friday" comparison and "typical college douchebags" lines, perfectly summed up location and character for me in a couple of words. The waiter's "fuck-my-life" description was funny too.

In fact the writing in the two short pages was tight and particularly witty as was the dialogue, all good. However the sketch itself fell flat for me, after Rob said it wasn't his birthday I chuckled but I thought more was gonna come, a further twist or something. I don't know what exactly but just having Rob attack Mark wasn't much of an ending.

Great writing, sub-standard setup.

Col.

Hey James

A 2 page short so a 2 word review...

...very funny.

Thanks for reading, guys!

I'm noticing a lot of people aren't crazy about the ending and I'm expecting more of the same sentiments from future readers. On the one hand, I suppose it's a fair assessment. Although what else would you have Rob do? His reaction is probably as outrageous as it gets. If this happened at a real restaurant, jaws would drop without question. I initially wanted to have Mark get hit in the face with the sundae and get all bloodied up although I decided not to go that route. I figured the risk of not being funny was too great as that ending would've been considerably dark. I would've liked it to end that way but I don't think it would work for most.

Anyway, like I've said, this is what it is. If it's hard to swallow, I'll bring up the Jack's beef jerky ads with Sasquach. Not sure if anyone's familiar with those ads but they're very much in the same vein as this script.

Heh -- I was not looking at this because I thought it was another birthday thread.

I know there is not much to give you on two pages, but I do have a couple of things.

First, I would have Rob leave the table for a piss, not a shit.  One, because it is just disgusting.  Lots of people announce a piss, but I do not know anybody who announces a shit.  Maybe that is just my friends.  But I suggest this change for another reason as well -- because Rob is only gone for a moment -- and we all know that number 1 usually goes much faster than number 2.

The other change I would recommend is not having Rob guess what is going on, as you have here.  Instead, when the clapping starts, Rob should look around, laugh, and say, "I wonder who is the poor asshole having a birthday", or something like that.

And then it is him, you know?

Also, it is, "I don't know BUT I've been told..."

Some of the descriptive work here is amusing, but yeah, there is not really much to it.  You are better at stuff with a little more heft to it.

Hey, James. I read through the comments here (which I try not to do before reading a script) and have to say that I agree with many that this didn't feel like more than a scene in something bigger. I understand that you didn't intend for it to be anything more, but we write to get better, right? So each script really should have a some kind of story to it. Your writing is good, very good. The story just felt like it needed more to it. As it is, it's hard to care about it at all. You can start with a scene like this and add more to it to make a story. I feel like I'm droning on now, so I'll stop.

Good writing though.

James

Hi James. A very writing with good descriptions, but I think you should give Rob a very good reason why he doesn't want to be his birthday (I don't know why but I thought at the nonsense scene in Gremlins where the girl explains why she does'nt like Xmas)

Anyway, it was fun...

Michel 8)