Mars Execution by Austin Maggs - Short, Sci Fi - A chief officer explains how the death penalty was banned in the United States and how the US government moved it to Mars. There are also flashbacks of a group of government bounty hunters killing off the inmates on Mars.  WARNING! Contains Bloody Violence and some Language. 3 pages - pdf, format 8)

A few things were distracting, like that flaming cigarette. How does that work exactly? OW! OW! F, that burns!

And Scott Peterson? Too close to the recently incarcerated Scott Peterson.

While you mentioned the Mars Air Supply Project, it would be very difficult to suck me into believing you could run around on Mars without some sort of gear over your skull to keep you alive. Mars is just plain too big, don't you think?

Overall, ho-hum. I find no connection emotionally. It's a prison story. Don't get why the Chief offs himself. You connect this outer worldy scene of Mars to today. That is disjointed because to get to there will take a ton of years, and by then, today will be long forgotten and there would be no connection.

A little of it reminds me of THX-1138, but only a little, maybe it's the cattle prod and beating part.

Er, what?

Mr Austin Maggs, try using a free program like Celtx to write a script.

These insert cut scenes need there own slug and the inmate needs to be capitals when introduced.

I'm not sure when the present is, is it in 2050 or 3009?  Cause 2008/9 isn't realistic if this is set on Mars now is it?

I can see there is a topical side to this script which I feel stems from maybe your situation and your thoughts on your President's bailout plans.  I can see no correlation between the situation in your script and the project that was created in your script and the inmate who was getting chased and the chief.  I think this script needs to be like 10/20 pages longer with more of a backdrop to your story.

All the best,


Javier

I am afraid I would have to agree with the above comments - I have absolutely no idea what you are trying to say with this short - it is a jumble of ideas that don't mesh together in a coherent story.

It would help if it were a bit longer (a lot longer even), drop the monologue and show us how these things developed, give us an insight into characters and some background to what we are seeing. Stating in a script that a inmate is "feared" is not much use to the audience - how do you show us that this man is feared?

As jayrex says, you also need to work on your format. Celtx is a free download, but you can also sign up for a site like Scripped, which would help you get to grips with this.

There is an interesting kernel of an idea somewhere in this - using Mars as a penal colony, but this does need work, I am afraid.

Sorry I can't be more positive at this stage.

I wondered how much could be told in three pages.

Not much but too much.

As the others before me have mentioned, to make this more involved you need to make your characters feel alive and lengthen the story.

I would have like more than just the chief's story.

You also need to turn everything you write into the present, you use a lot of "ing" endings.


Your formatting needs to improve...no use me saying more on that, everyone has suggested using celtx; and, I agree it is a great FREE program.


good idea and good luck!
Keep it up

Elisabeth