Full Moon by Kim Britt (screen dreamer) - Short, Thriller, Suspense - An aged detective on the trail of an elusive serial killer - one that murders under a full moon leaving an unusual calling card - may be closer to solving the case than he realizes. 20 pages - pdf, format 8)

I liked this. It had an interesting idea and the dialogue flowed between the two characters, giving them depth - I could see the scenes in my head, envisage actors speaking the lines (maybe Richard Bradford the cop? Cote de Pablo as the girl?).

I did feel that it would have benefitted from being a feature - the short length of the script meant things were perhaps pushed to close together - imagine the shock of the audience if the twist had been revealed after 90 minutes instead!

All in all, very well written and a very good read.

Thanks, Niles.  I appreciate your feedback.  I've contemplated developing it into a feature in the past  so I'll have to give that idea a little more thought.

as always, very well written.  easy to read, very fluid sentences...

as for the plot, i dunno--it didn't grab me as much as your other stories.  when i think of suspense and thrillers, i'm always thinking "twist" at the end and i usually guess right.  

dead hookers, detectives, the shady protagonist (or seemingly pro)...kinda cliche to me, so i think you need a HUGE twist at the end.

as someone said for my short, i think you just have to be in a certain mood for this.  maybe that's just me, though.  

i'm just wondering, what's roxy's motive for getting into the car with jordan?  i'm just not sure why she would go through the obstacle of impersonating a cop, if she wanted to be free of any implications with kelly anderson.

Thanks for your thoughts on this.  It needs a lot of work.  I just thought it would be fun to post it, since it's my only short, and get some suggestions.

it's all good!  no harm in getting feedback.

i do think it has potential, but i think it needs a big WHAMMY at the end.  i think suspense/thrillers are really hard to write, because really, it's all been done.  i think the same goes for comedy.

but keep on writing, girl!  

Thank you!  And I will.  Couldn't stop even if I wanted to lol

Screen dreamer...

I wont be as nice as the others.

Why do you keep putting the title of your script on page one.  Do you not know how to create a title page?

You need to be consistant.

Page#15

EXT.  DARK STREET/WOODS - NIGHT

Page#18

EXT.  WOODS/DARK STREET - NIGHT

Same location, I take it?

Nit-picky, maybe... but you want it to look more professional.  Cool?

Some of your action lines are alittle too choppy.  I'd break them up.  Direct your attention back to...

Page#12

INT.  JORDAN'S CAR - NIGHT

I'd split that whole paragraph.  Where the words  "As a distraction", begins. personally, I don't think you need those 3 words.

Page#9

I'd take out "probably uninhabited."  Nothing but filler.   That particular paragraph, I read  4 times,  it don't flow.

I'm thinking... (of course, it's your script by the way)

EXT.  DARK STREET - NIGHT

Run-down neighborhood.  Moonlight shines down on Jordan's car parked along the curb.

or maybe...

Run-down neighborhood.  The full moon illuminate's Jordan's car parked along side the curb.  No other cars in sight.  Further down, several houses with no lights on. (OKAY) Probably uninhabited or abandoned.

You see.

Just a suggestion...

Good Luck

Ghostwriter22

I enjoyed this the dialog flowed and the overall story was well written.

Your feature script was recommended but I'm struggling for time so I thought I'd read this short instead. I read this a few days ago, but for the first time, I couldn't think of anything to say. I'm sorry to say this didn't do it for me and I can't really put my finger on why. Your dialogue was good, your action descriptions are fine with just the odd line feeling out of place which can be easily fixed.

SPOILERS

Maybe it was because this type of story has been done to death, I don't know. The twist wasn't a major surprise but didn't come across as believable. When I flick through the script again, I find myself saying "If Jordan is the killer, why is he doing this?" or "If Roxy isn't really FBI, why does she know so much about the victims?". These questions added up and they do really bring the twist down.

I never learned much from the characters. Why does Jordan kill? He doesn't like liars but I think we need more than that. Why the vampire marks?  Maybe this could be expanded more. Roxy is too convincing as a hooker posing as FBI, so convincing she could be nominated for an Oscar. Maybe you could give us a few hints before revealing. It was also too convienient she had to pee when Jordan got the information through. Maybe they could be doing something more active, like checking this lead instead of sitting in a car pointing the gun at each other. Cal doesn't serve much purpose, maybe you could force some suspicion on him so we could keep guessing to the end.

Sorry if I'm blabbering, I still can't point a finger on exactly why this didn't work for me.  

Ghostwriter22:

Quoted Text Why do you keep putting the title of your script on page one.  Do you not know how to create a title page?

Not sure I understand your question.  I have a title page, don't I?  The title on page 1 is just something I picked up.  Apparently it's a personal taste thing.  I've never heard a complaint about it until now.  I usually underline it but I must have forgotten this time.

You didn't say if you liked the script or not.   I'm guessing not.

GoreGore84:

I'm glad you liked it.  Thanks for reading.

1987brian:

Who recommended what?  Or is that confidential?  ;)

Thanks for your feedback on the script.  I'll keep that it mind when I rewrite.

Screen dreamer...

My mistake, you do have a title page.  I missed it completely.   I'm blind.  So disregard on that.

You shouldn't assume anything.  Point being, I read your script, gave you some feedback.

Good luck

Ghostwriter22

Okay, just finished this one. You do have a nice writing style and this script, Like Guilt, has an excellent flow. It was a good story, though a bit predictable. But it was a good read none the less.

I read the remark earlier about there not being a cover page. I use Hollywood Screenwriter, and on occasion, Hollywood Screenplay, and I haven't figured out yet how to make a cover page. The instructions in the manuals for them are pretty vague. Anyways, I enjoy your writing.

Jerry

Jerry:

I used to use Hollywood Screenwriter.  Then I got a new laptop with Vista and the damn thing wouldn't work.  So I started using Celtx and I love it.  It's very easy to make a title page with that.  You should check it out.

Thanks for reading my script.  I'm glad you liked it, with the exception of the predictable ending.  I'll have to work on that.