It's Not Easy Being Christopher Hungwell by Marvin K. Perkins - Short, Comedy - It's not easy being Christopher Hungwell,a peculiar looking kid with a little peanut head, pointy ears, no hair and an unusually large penis. This family male inherited trait turns out to be his saving grace in high school,when he becomes a closet nudist and is arrested for arriving for a dentist appointment in the buff. This is Christopher's and his offbeat family's story.   16 pages - pdf, format 8)

I am afraid that I really didn't get into this. Somewhere in this there is an interesting story - an adult fairy tale - but I didn't like the way it was developed here, and think that you need a severe rethink on the approach. It may be that the short format didn't help and that you need to aim for a longer form (though not necessarily feature).

The use of the Narrator is a problem for me - generally nowadays it is frowned on to use VO, but while I wouldn't always agree with this, I would avoid using it from the start in this manner (It seems to be very common though nowadays). Screenwriters should show, not tell - where an image or a piece of dialogue can be used to tell the story, it is always better than having someone tell you like this.

I am also not keen on montages - and feel a more developed scene or scenes would have worked better.

In what I suppose is the pivotal scene - the Gym Class - I was a bit bemused by the fact that the Gym teacher introduces Chris (which I would assume he'd do first off), gives them laps, and then sends them to the showers. What happened to the class itself?

I get the impression that everything is rushing head long towards the last page - this is what I mean by the need for it to be longer, so you can slow down and take your time. We have, as it stands, Chris meeting Lisa one day, and the next having a conversation with her which is basically a massive info dump! It just feels forced and does not help the story.

The other big problem for me is that Chris says that he likes to be naked in public. But, aside from the locker room scene, we have not been shown any evidence of this. Not once in the script, in the montages, are we shown him going naked in public. Again, you need to show us, not tell us.

And I am mystified by why he suddenly feels the need to go naked to the dentist - and why he tells a girl he has only known for a day this! It just seems to me that iy has been shoved in because you wanted to get to the end!

I was far more interested in why Lisa was so nice to him and didn't treat him as a freak like everyone else? This, for me, would have been the interesting story.

By the way, just a point, but as a nerdy type, I assume that Chris knows he is misquoting Star Trek (it's Mind Meld not Melt). Is this deliberate. It is a small thing, obviously, but I kept thinking there was a reason for it, and it distracted me.

Technically, the script is fine - you could probably avoid being overly descriptive (if it is not necessary to the story or to help the actor establish the character, there is no need to tell us people's eye colour!).

Sorry - I feel I am being unduly negative here and I am sure you'll come back at me for it. But I do feel you have a kernel of an interesting idea here - as I said a Adult Fairy Tale - but it needs work to bring that out.

Sorry to say, IMO, this is a weird and pointless story. I don't think Chris achieves anything by the end of the script. I feel this script is just full of random incidents of Chris's life.

You inciting incident starts way too late, on page 8, when people discovers Chris has a large penis. Everything before that can be shortened by a lot.

This dialogue sticks out to me the most:

CHRIS
Hey, you want to go over on
the bench and talk a little before class.

Does anyone talk like that? No, they would simply say: Can I talk to you for a minute?

And then Lisa actually agrees!

My suggestion is to shorten the first 8 pages, cut out some of the V.O. and replace them by scene action, and please change the ending at the dentist's office. Chris's intention to be naked in the dentist's office just comes out of nowhere.

Niles and Coding, thanks for your replies and your honesty.  This was a script I attempted to adapt from a short story I wrote a while back.  I got the idea from an actual incident where a man did show up for his dentist appontment in the buff. In the story, Chris goes to nudist camps and this didn't satisfy him so he stepped up his game and went to the dentist appointment nude. I guess I was trying to keep it to 10 or 12 pages so that did sorta ruch me.. I guess, I really need to go back to the drawing board on this or chunk it all togehter.  Thanks again for your comments.  Marvin.

Wierd story, was into the premise, but I agree with the others that its a little weak.
I would cut out everything in Dads welcoming speech after ‘he’s going to be a heartbreaker.”
You need to put chris’s song in dialogue format.
I would try to cut the narrators blocks down a bit.  Have them over images that show more, instead of just telling us.
What’s ‘dishwater blond hair’?  Not saying there’s anything wrong with it, but never heard the expression.
P7 theres an extra space, and a couple others later.
Seems weird to have him tell her he likes being naked in public when we haven’t really seen it ourselves, other than the locker scene.
The whole chris/lisa convo on the bench is kinda awkward and out of place.
How does he know he likes being naked in public if the dentist is his first try?
Also I would cut out that whole description from the logline.  It's jacked right from the narrator and is a bit long.  Keep it short and teasing.

You're probably right marvink,
If the story went on a bit longer, you could make it the Hungwell perils.

I think you could turn this into a comedy.
Your basic script needs refining; allow us to see that Chris has a super sized penis and play on that. It doesn't justify to wait till almost the end of the story to tell us so.

I think you could do a lot with this story.
Elisabeth

Ellis and Ophelia, thanks for your comments.  I see I have a lot to do on this one.. I appreciate your input, very much..  Marvin.

Bill enters with a grimaced look on his face.  Why not just "a grimace on his face"  or just a grimace?
"I'll be across the street at the "Last Chance" bar if anybody's looking for me."  The dialogues a bit better than the original version, but stuff like this is still a no go.  would anyone really say the "last chance bar"?  No, because everyone at the store would presumably know what the last chance was.  or they would just say "the bar"
Several instances of telling not showing.  Like telling us theres a mechanic next to bill.
For being a story about Chris, there's an awful lot of following his whiny dad around.
We get all the way to p22 and all we have of chris is everyone whining about him.  I think the point was made several pages ago.
Kinda lost interest around there, need to figure out the story youre trying to tell and streamline it a bit, make sure each scene is moving the story forward.
The title is much better than the original though

Jackx, thanks for your reply and your time. I see what you mean by showing not telling, bad habit of mind I have to watch. I think however you are kinda nitpicking when you mention stuff like "a grimaced look on his face" and "the last chance bar".  The story is about Chris and his family, that is why we follow his dad, mom, and his sister Ashlee. I'm sorry you lost interest in the story, it happens, I'm still working at my craft.  Thanks again for you comments.  Marvin.

Marv, have to agree with jack here...

"Bill enters with a grimaced look on his face" is just about as awkward as you can get.

Sometimes the little things can be big things...

Dreamscale, I guess you guys are right. I didn't see it as that awkward but I can change that at some point.  Thanks, marvin.