Quest for Mr. President by James  Karuga - Comedy, Political - Year 2024, American voters are looking for trust, after being disillusioned by Republicans and Democrats. It comes in the form of an independent Johank Bothroyd, who launches his campaign, on his adeptness at rescuing kittens from trees. America fast falls in love with him, only to realise in smallest matters he can't be trusted. Coz he he is BALD. 150 pages - pdf, format 8)

Wow I don't even know where to start. The logline makes no sense to me at all. Why would America want a President who can rescue kittens from trees? Assuming you can make it past this highly unbelevable scenario, why would him being bald be an issue at all? Even when writing a comedy you need to make the premise of your story believable. This just sounds ridiculous. And 150 pages? About 50 pages too long for a comedy.

So I opened up to have a glance, thinking maybe it was just the logline that was bad. It wasn't.

You have mistakes even on your title page. Don't put 're-draft' under the name of your title. Why the hell do you have that quote on the title page? Is it something we are supposed to see on screen? I am utterly confused already.

On page 1 you don't need the title at the top of the page. When you have the slug for Madison Square Garden you have the year 2024 in brackets. What you would need to do is use Super: 2024 so that we can actually see it on screen. The viewers won't see what you have written in brackets on your script.

It just gets worse from here, I couldn't make it past page 3. Dialogue is ridiculous, grammar is all over the place. Characters are not introduced properly or described. You use ellipses in the middle of a standard sentence for no good reason.

Sorry but this doesn't work on any level. Read some scripts, learn how to construct a sentence and then start all over again.

Cheers,
Tim.