A Nice Day by Matt Mitchell (herding) - Short, Drama - A girl and her mom talk about the mom's new boy friend and there is a secret uncovered 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

oi vey, Littered with typos... ie. Crieing???? Even software will pick that one out. no real story here, not a beginning middle and end. Just a revelation and that's where you leave it. Needs much work. The dialogue was okay, believable, but that was the only highlight. Sorry.. didn't fancy it much....    James

Quoted from Don A Nice Day by Matt Mitchell (herding) - Short, Drama - A girl and her mom talk about the mom's new boy friend and there is a secret uncovered 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

A short that's too short. I would like to see more character devlopment otherwise I don't care enough to be engaged for even five minutes.

Oh dear.

Not much to be positive about here, I'm afraid.

Typos - we all make mistakes, and usually they are not something that worry me too much, but in this case...at one point ("What's the audited for") I'm not sure what it is supposed to be! (attitude, I assumed in the end?). This is what spell checkers were created for!

I am also afraid that I did not find this dialogue at all realistic. Maybe it's just me, but it sounded like a very bad soap opera. People just don't talk like this (say it aloud and see what it sounds like) - and certainly not a mother and teenage daughter.

And then it ends. It just stops. Not even a "The End", just blank paper.

Uh, what?  Not even sure how to handle this one.  There are so many typos and grammar mistakes that it becomes extremely distracting.  You are definitely not a fan of putting periods at the ends of your sentences.  Your syntax is off in a lot of places, most notably for me:  

RACHEL
Did you ever think that I just want
don't him here

As for the story, you were definitely driving toward a serious revelation, but you did nothing with when it was revealed.  The mother leaves the room and that's pretty much that.  This one definitely needs a few more passes at it.  Somewhere within this script lurks an actual story, but you haven't found it yet.

OK!!!!

THIS THEME HAS BEEN DONE OVER AND OVER  AGAIN......

Is this your first attempt?
I'm sorry but it needs a lot of work and I truly believe you have to come up with a new angle.

Yes, as the others have mentioned there are typo's...do you have a spell check on your program?

We need an ending too.

It would be nice to know more about the Characters.
Your story doesn't evolve.
Have another good read and see if you can tell us more on the characters and don't forget the ending

Good luck
Keep writing!

Matt, I'm afraid I have to agree with the others here. True, sometimes no matter how many times you go over something, you still miss a word here and there. I think your story idea here is fine, but needs development.  The piece needs to continue. You really didn't have an ending. you brought up the touching part right at the end but you didn't go with the most interesting part of the story.   Keep working on this, I'm sure it will be fine, with some work.  Marvin.

Hey matt,

first things first, you need to fix the spelling and grammar errors in this script. if a script has a lot of typos in it, then we the reader assume that you didnt put much time or effort into the script. i doubt thats the case here, but thats how it comes across. unfortunately, if you dont care, then we dont care.

now onto the script. if i were you, i wouldnt have rachel tell the mom that tom touches her. let her just act like a bitch throughout the entire script until the very end where the daughter reveals to the audience (and the audience only) that she's being sexually abused.

i hate to say it, but the way it is now reminded me of that scene from Shaun of the Dead. I was just waiting for Rachel to say, no, that's not true, i made that up

Hello Matt,

Everything that needs to be said has been above.

Aside from the mistakes, the story was okay.  Although I can imagine this has been done before in slightly different ways.

It could have been longer at the end to draw it out.

Welcome to SS.

All the best,


Javier

Matt

I'm just going to be repeating what others said, this had big problems regarding grammar, spelling and what got me the most, a severe lack of punctuation. This meant I had to sometimes read dialogue a couple of times to get what they are saying or how it was being delivered.

Not a bad premise and to be fair the majority of the dialogue was ok but it ends so abruptly that I don't know what you want to reader to think, feel or react. Mine was "What now?" As I said you have the bones of a story here, why not read some scripts, revise what you've done here (i.e. do a spell check) and think about developing an ending or at least somewhere for the story to go once the reveal is dropped.

Best of luck.

Col.