Spiritual Connections - Episode One by Craig Cooper-Flintstone - Short, Comedy - Comedy set at a welfare centre's weekly spiritualist night, where Mary, the alcoholic medium, lets the spirits do the talking.  26 pages - pdf, format 8)

Spiritual Connections Episode 2: Revelations by Craig Cooper - Series, Short, Comedy - Details of Mary's sordid past are exposed by Sam. Meanwhile Mary 'shares' all too sensitive details of the audience's private lives.  - pdf, format 8)

Spiritual Connections Episode 3: The Hokey Cokey by Craig Cooper - Series, Short, Comedy - Mary receives a shocking letter, which rips open old wounds.  22 pages - pdf, format 8)

Spiritual Connections Episode 4: Bloody Mary by Craig Cooper - Series, Short, Comedy - Mary's past comes back to haunt her, and a shopping expedition ends in disaster. 22 pages - pdf, format 8)

Spiritual Connections Episode 5: Turning by Craig Cooper - Series, Short, Comedy - Sam and Iona hit the town, with shocking consequences! 22 pages - pdf, format 8)

Spiritual Connections Episode 6: Armageddon by Craig Cooper - Series, Short, Comedy - Iona and Mary agree to meet up to talk things through. Unfortunately, this leads to an all-day drinking session. Secrets are uncovered and grudges are settled. 26 pages - pdf, format 8)

Firstly, I need to declare a vested interest. My father is a Medium. So the themes of this piece are familiar.

I quite enjoyed it. It was funny, and the dialogue was realistic. There were some nice little touches - Gladys and her unfortunate tea making habits, for example.

I did feel that it went by a bit quickly - the "evening" didn't last long, did it! (I'm not surprised that people didn't feel like donating at the end!). Maybe a couple of time dissolves would help give the impression of a full event rather than a few minutes.

I would also say, for the sake of realism, that events like this would (or should) have a fee charged at the door and the money properly counted, so that no one can come back with any accusations of shady dealings (as we see here). Oh, and by law in the UK now, such events have to start with a statement that they are for "entertainment" only.

A couple of things: You say in the scene description that the car has been vandalised. But no mention in the actual dialogue, so this might not be apparent (I assume it was because of another rather too accurate message?).

I also thought that Danielle was going to play rather more of a part in proceedings than she did. Given the ending (which was quite neat), perhaps it was Andrea who you should have introduced?

All in all, though, enjoyable - and it made a change to read a story in which the Medium is not portrayed as a fake.

Hi Niles, that's interesting that your father is a medium, and I'm glad that you like the portrait of a 'legit' clairvoyant, albeit an offensive one!

I'm happy that you find it funny too, I think the humour is quite 'British'!

Regarding the fee, one of the opening lines states that a queue of people are waiting to pay their admission fees.

Of all the spiritualist events I've been to, in my home town, and neighbouring towns, I have never heard them once state that it is for entertainment purposes only. Maybe this is for the big scale events maybe? The ones I've been to have all been low-key affairs, and they take it very seriously indeed.

The visual gag with the vandalised car was further added to later, as Andrea, appalled at her reading, dents the door and such.

Cheers for your feedback

Craig

PS, another of my shorts 'heavenly intentions' may interest you (if you've not already read it), as it follows the same scenario, but is a serious drama. Libby suggested I tried a comedy version so 'spiritual connections' is the twisted offspring!

Hi Craig

Sorry - missed line re admissions.

Re the "entertainment" business - this link may prove of interest:

http://www.theswa.org.uk/Public/Law.aspx

I'll have a look at "Heavenly Intentions" today and post some feedback asap.

Thanks

"Niles"

Cheers for that, I'll have a look at that link.


Back off, Brussels!


Craig

FEW SPOILERS

Craig,  I’m glad you gave this a different title because it is a completely different 'vision' - no pun intended. A few things - but overall I really enjoyed this.

Terrific opening images conveyed in your descriptions. Ditto the arrival of Mary, but I have to agree with ‘Frasier’s brother’ about that ‘unfilmable’ reference to the car ‘vandalism’.

‘Mediums do it with the lights off’ – funny opening one-liner – and also the “hungrier ….” ‘than you know what line (can’t give away all your funny lines in this review)  can I – even with the spoiler alert.  

I was going to comment on tightening up the rather long lead-in but then it occurs to me – I see this as an English comedy Series and so with that being said characterization is really important, so imo, I'd leave it the way it is. Casting would be all-important with this one btw.

Mary’s dialogue on page 8/9 – the reference to power of ‘healing power’ combined with traditional medicine really made me laugh.

Mary’s surname doesn’t quite work for me (on paper, at least) who knows on screen once again it may be a different matter – that surname doesn’t appear in my phone book – does it in yours? Creative license, I get that.

Watch out for habits like “begins to” – ‘starts to cry’ works for me and I’m sure there are other exceptions – but, in this context Danielle may as well just ‘blush’ or go red in face, whatever.

Danielle eases a little – be more specific, I get what you mean but perhaps she could for example, relax into her chair, sit back. Enough of the pedantic stuff, right?

Onto page 11 and 12 – you’ve got me laughing here – some great examples of comedic dialogue flair (then again it may be my sense of humour) – we Aussies and Brits tend to be on a similar wavelength. Still I think this comedy is pretty universal – more reviews will tell the story. Ok, and the silly stuff continues on – really, really impressive.

I didn’t recognize this in your other work – you been taking lessons from the Re-Man? Just joking. Don’t give up the serious stuff though, ok. I would like to see a rewrite of ‘Four’.

Right, so the only weak points for me are in the story-lines of Danielle and Andrea – not because they offend me (they don’t). It’s just you’ve got so much comedy in there I find, (in particular) the ending a little jarring – on screen that wouldn’t work for me. I mean you’ve got that guy in the cupboard and then we ... boom – fade out. That’s really my only criticism.

Won’t mention any further formatting/grammar/typos etc cause I see you’ve got them sussed already.

Overall, a really entertaining read with some really well executed comedic moments and great one-liners.  ;D

Hi Libby,

I'm glad that you really enjoyed this overall, I was a little worried what you would make of it to be honest!

Regarding Mary's surname, hirsute means 'hairy'. Happy that you seem to share my sense of humour, and you loved some of the one liners. Credit to RE for the car sticker gag, it was originally 'spirit guide on board'.

I've still not got around to the re-hash of 'four' yet, it's on the cards though. I'll let you know when I've done any significant work on it.

I was going to add another scene on the end, with Barry burying his laptop in the garden, but I decided on a 'slap in the face' image, maybe this was the wrong thing to do, but I still think it is justified as an extention to Andrea's message from her 'dead' husband.

Really happy that you were entertained by this. I'm still going to work to your original idea, and extend it to a sitcom style length over the coming months, as time permits.

Thank you Libby for the suggestion, it is greatly appreciated, and cheers also for the feedback.

All the best

Craig

Yep, I'm aware Hirsute means hairy - I just looked it up in my phone-book 'cause I actually did wonder if anyone was unfortunate enough to have that surname. I mean think of poor Hyacinth Buckket! to name but one.

And regarding the 'ending' that's of course just my take on it. That's why I'll be watching this thread to gauge others reactions.

You done real good, some really funny stuff in this one.

P.S. Yep, some pretty funny names out there. Check ya later :)

Thanks Libby,

I don't know of anyone with such a name either, you never know though....


Craig

Definately a funny little piece, I enjoyed the alcohol/spirit jokes.  I do have to agree with Libby that the ending is a little jarring.  it would be great if you could find a way to format it into the story so there were jokes after it, though I kind of see how it needs o be at the end.  The other option would be to make andrea seem a little bitchier, so the audience is happy when she gets hers  (cruel as that is).

I think the rest of my issues were already covered, good read tho.

Craig,

Itnteresting idea and quite different from Heavenly Intentions in both content and intent. Have to say, impressive too.

Good well rounded characters that seem genuine. And there's a lot of laughs to be had.

The bumper sticker is bloody funny. And Mary's a fine comic character, the funniest as she has no intention of being amusing,

You'll get grief for the end, understandably, however I think the end is a real touch of genius. And I save that word for special occasions. This is a vast improvement on its predecessor. I for one say well done that man.

Keep it up!

Re

Jackx- glad you enjoyed reading it and had a laugh or two.

Rendevous- It seems to be split down the middle about the ending, I must admit though I love the nasty ending as it is, and it's high praise for you to call it a touch of genius. Indeed it is a special occasion.

Happy that you found lots of laughs, and thanks for the bumper sticker joke, much better than the original one.

Thanks to you both for the feedback.

Craig

Hi Criag, well to start off. I want to say I enjoyed this piece a little more than your other piece. You do write dialogue rather eloquently, it may be because of your british background. There isn't the usual Americana slang that often peppers most of these scripts. From my point of view it is a little refreshing. I think that is why it appealed to me the most.

I really liked your ending but I have to say it doesn't fit this story.

The problem starts that you delayed your inciting incident to page 18 which is when your story actually begins. As a result, Libby is right, your ending doesn't work for this story because it doesn't offer us real "closure".

You made a similar mistake in Heavenly Intentions where you left the inciting incident off the map altogether. Maybe it is your style, or artistic expression but as a reader it doesn't work for me and it will not help you when you start writing for feature films. Without an inciting incident you will have no story.

As a piece your ending was nice. From my point of view I didn't think it was jarring, and if you had made the story about Andrea, then it would have complimented the rest of the telling.

The short is about Mary, it is about her business, it is about smaller stories of her audience, but it is NOT about Andrea or her dark secret which is IMO is missleading.


As a fellow writer I don't feel it is my place to tell you how to paint your master piece, so I am not going to get into the small details like the medium business or what to say or what not to say. That's all you Criag. You are the painter you paint the message as you see fit.

But please, put your inciting incident at the beginning of the short not at the end.

All in all good stuff.

Inquiringmind,

Thanks for the read, and thanks also for your comments.

I'm glad you enjoyed it in someways, and that you liked the dialogue- that's great to hear.

There's a bit of controversy regarding the ending, and although I see your point, if you imagine it as a sitcom episode (as Libby suggested), then the bleak ending kinda makes sense (well, to me and Rendevous at least!), the image that comes to mind is the 'We didn't burn him' line from the 1st ep of 'the league of gentlemen', followed by a shot of a corpse burning on a bonfire!

I also recognise that it may be a little to brief (even for a short), and I have lots of further ideas to expand it even more. Everyone's feedback is wonderful- It's great to hear your opinions, good or bad.

Thanks again for taking the time to read it, and glad you had a laugh or two.

Craig

Hey Craig, I gather this is the one you sent me, I didn't realise it was here.

I'm sure i've heard the Ellen MacArthur realising she's a lesbian joke somewhere before?  Still funny mind lol.

Mary's message to Danielle is very funny in a crude and distateful way lol.  I also liked her message for Barry lol.

I'm not sure you need the last couple of scenes with Andrea but they still worked though.

I thought this was really funny and I hope you're planning to submit it.  I did notice one or two spelling and grammer errors but I forgot to mention them, sorry.  Anyway, really funny script Craig and Mary was hilarious throughout, she's a great character.

Cheers Alffy,


The spelling and grammar errors have been ironed out from the draft you read originally (I hope, anyway).

It's good that you found the script, and Mary in particular, funny.

Thanks for the read.

Craig

Haha. Psychics are proving to be great fodder for parody. This is the second pyschic script I've read here and I could never get tired of it.

I honestly thought Mary was just a hack asking broad questions in the hope to hook people in. But the punchline at the end proved otherwise and was laugh out loud funny. Almost like a double wham punchline with awkward mix up with Mary says Andrea's husband is dead and then Andrea gets home at the end to find . . .  

If anything as a set up and build up to one punchline I felt this was way to long and could be a few pages short. The whole bit at the begining with the old coot making cups of tea could be dropped- even thou it was quirky and fun i was revellevent to the story.  

Cheers, I'm glad you enjoyed it, and had a laugh or two.

I don't see it as a set up and build up to one punchline though. The ending just proved that Mary was infact genuine. I tried to write it with lots of jokes and humour throughout, and I love bleak endings, that's why it is how it is!

I tried to develop characters (i.e. Gladys the tea lady etc), as eventually, I'm hoping to extend this (rather than shorten).

Thanks for your feedback, greatly appreciated.

Craig

Craig

I liked the "serious" version which was a very moving account of loss and the possibilities of moving on so I was interested to see what spin you'd put on it here.

Loved the mantra "Mediums do it with the lights off!" and the penguin bar reference.

You created a great central character in Mary and what a fantastic entrance too. Each "vision" of hers was funnier and harsher then the last and surprisingly accurate too for a person whose clearly checked out of her profession. When seeing that you were going to take this route with this I thought she was going to be this hopelessly inept, incompetent individual who kept getting it wrong but went the right way about it.

The dialogue throughout as sharp and clever as Mary never exactly spells out what she really means but we still know what she is implying and unfortunately for the victims, so do the surrounding audience. Plenty of cringe worthy moments here, I'll remember to keep my hand firmly by my side if I ever decided to go to one of these.

The ending threw me off slightly as its a huge character shift from Mary to the just introduced Andrea. I was enjoying Mary's take-no-prisoners attitude so much I didn't want to leave her back at the assembly hall. Also, it was a massive mood swing, really going from one end of the spectrum to the other. Which is not necessarily a bad thing, I didn't see it coming, thats for sure, given the flavour of the piece thus far so it arrested me on the spot.

Overall though, a good job, great writing, in particular the pincer tongued Mary. And credit must go to you for taking a very emotional, serious piece and turning it on its head (bar the final page of course) and pulling it off rather well.

So, in light of this, I hereby announce your next assignment...you've got two choices 1) Turn Irreversible into a Hairspray-esque musical 2) turn Schinder's list into a screwball, coming of age comedy with an additional character written specifically for Seth Rogen (he's in everything now, so you gotta conform, buddy) Best of luck ;)

Col.

Hi Col,

Praise indeed! I'm really glad you enjoyed reading this. I loved writing for Mary as a character- there's scope for plenty more 'escapades' too.

The ending was an intentional 'slap in the face', and although I, myself, think it works, it seems to have caused a bit of controversy (apart from with Rendevous)!

I have actually expanded from the version hosted on simply scripts, as a sort of 'pilot' episode, and it's with BBC Writers' room as we speak. I've also had another E-mail from someone wanting to film it as part of a trilogy. It makes it all worthwhile when people enjoy your 'vision'!

If you'd like to see the lengthened version, drop me a PM, and I'll E-mail it to you.

Thanks for the read, and many thanks for your comments

All the best

Craig

PS Schindler's Laughs. Lets not even go there. There is a line..... lol

So this is the extended version then Craig, I actually think I've read this before, maybe you emailed me at some point.  No worries though cos I enjoyed as much the second time as I did the first.  As a result I'm not entirely sure what's new from my last response lol.

The ‘Thrush’ nickname makes me chuckle lol.

Page 7, I’m not sure if the crowd should murmur their reply as a dialogue or not?

Mary’s conversation with her mother on the phone is good addition.

Mary’s comments are very well thought out and I love the subtle jokes, the stigmata one with her response ‘Jesus! I wonder who that was for. Lol

The message for Robert doesn’t come from anyone in particular which seems a bit strange, when everyone else has a message come from a past love one.

I liked the raffle at the end too.

I loved this Craig, it's really funny and subtle.  I think some will miss some of the jokes but I love this kind of comedy.  You should post the other episodes too.

By the way...do you have Dawn French's number, I wonder if she available? lol.

Cheers Alffy,

Thanks for the read. You could be right, you may have read it earlier, I know I've e-mailed some of the further episodes.

Regarding the message to Robert: I tried to vary them to avoid repetition. There's a few more like that in the later episodes.

I was a little worried about the 'British' humour to begin with, but there's always google, isn't there?

Anyway, I'm glad you're enjoying them, I'll start getting further ones posted up soon!

Cheers buddy,

Craig

Hey Craig, so episode 2's up.

I haven't noticed too much of a change from the one you sent me so here are my thoughts;

I noticed a few pages of just dialogue, it's your preference, but I'd try to break it up with a few little actions.  Then again I guess as a sitcom, which this essentially is, dialogue is the engine so this would be fine.  Totally contradicting myself there lol.

'you!  You and Mary had....tuppence?'  Lol.  I love reading British scripts as I relate to the comedy much better.  I guess it works the other way for the Yanks too.  Keep that quiet on the boards lol.

'an infected gash' jesus I alomost spat my pint all over the laptop when I read this, really funny mate!

I was wondering if this was going to be the same kind of thing.  Mary telling a few funny stories but actually you released a bit more background on the main characers and I hope you continue to do this in future episodes.  Mary was her usual hilarious self and I liked how you played out Iona's story.  Again I breezed through this and it was thoroughly entertaining.  Good work Craig.

Keep 'em coming mate.

Cheers Alffy,


Glad you enjoyed this as much as the first episode!

I can't wish for better than 'thoroughly entertaining', I thought the characters deserved a bit more fleshing out- it's good that you thought it worked.

Episode 3 coming soon, buddy!

Craig

Wow, the lads from the UK are really producing some 'excellence' by way of 'series scripts' lately. Yep, that other guy as well.

Thoroughly enjoyed it Craig - some terrific cracking me up laugh-out-loud moments in this ep. further characterisation and defining of characters - Mary on home-turf; Joey.  A few quibbles re description with your personification i.e. 'humanizing of objects' with the word 'stands' which is  ... jmo.

Fantastic lines: "Clap.
                      No it’s just itching."

"Why they want to go up the
dirt track when they’ve got a
perfectly good motorway round the
other side, I’ll never know."

I'd delete that 'gagging line' - again jmo.

Classic stuff mate!

DF would be mad not to take the role :)

Craig,

I'm fast becoming a bit of fan of this series. The dialogue draws me in and in a couple of minutes I'm sat in that bloody HALL! lol. I enjoyed this. Keep em coming mate.

Having read the next few I know fans of this are in for a treat.

Gherkins anyone?

The quality of the scripts is kept up and if anything, it improves.

I'm thoroughly enjoying it.

The downside? Well, frankly, and, then, there's the comma's. And the apostrophe's, oh, and the and the 'and's. And some' more of those pesky apostrophe's, and, the comma's. Do you think he's took the hint yet? You do? Oh, okay.

In other words there's little I can fault apart from some minor grammar gripes. And I love Edith. And Mary is pretty good too.

Read it. It's the funniest thing I've read in ages.

Was that alright Craig? No... Can I have it in twenties please?. No! Not here. For fuck's sake you commamad freak you.

This meeting of The Mutual Appreciation Society has sadly broken down into a row. Normal service resuming shortly...

RV

Hey Craig

SPOILERS!!!

I like how you've now given some backround on Mary. I love how her mum is an alcoholic too lol.

In, out, in, out, shake it all about.  lol, that's classic mate.

I know it's your intentions are to make it obvious that Iona is Mary and Sam's child and it works well cos I was already sniggering at the prospect before Iona arrived and killed the conversation.

The crack of Dawn gag always gets a chuckle.  I do fear that a lot of your comedy will be lost on the Americans.

I have to say I was a little disgusted with Andy's hobby lol.

Another great episode Craig.

I can tell you have real fun writing these.

Thanks to everyone who has read the episodes so far, I'm glad you're enjoying them!

L C - I'm really happy that you are thoroughly enjoying these, and it's good to see I had you laughing out loud. It means a lot to me that you are getting so much out of it, and for you to call it classic stuff- it makes it all worth while; I value your opinion very highly and can't thank you enough for your advice and feedback :)

Malcolm3 - Hi there! It's great news that you are becoming a fan of the series. I hope you enjoy the further episodes coming soon. Good on you, matey!

Re - What can I say that you don't already know? As with Libby, your opinions and feedback are greatly valued. It is great to know that you're finding it enjoyable, and I'm pleased that you think they're getting better as they go along. "Read it. It's The funniest thing I've read in ages"- The cheque is in the post, sir. I know my comma usage irratates you, I'll try to improve, promise!

Alffy - You're right, I absolutely love writing these- especially Mary and Edith's quips. It's nice to know you've enjoyed these so much, and your comments and advice are always good to hear. And yes, Andy's (and Mary's) hobby is truly horrendous isn't it!

Number four's up already? Cheers Don, you're certainly a fast worker.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy this just as much as the others.

Apologies in advance to any gherkin lovers out there....

Hey Craig

I see Mary has moved up from the glass table to cling film.

A gherkin! lol, sometimes Craig I wonder how you come with things like this?

I did think Mary was a bit too harsh on her mother at times...but it was funny.

You seem to hit the mark every time with the subtle images of the seedy side of things, like Mary cleaning the coffee table lol.

I've breezed through another episode and I got to say I was impressed again.  You've got a funny sit-com here Craig.  I think I read a post that you see Dawn French playing the part of Mary?  As soon as I read that I thought, definately see her as Mary.

Another great episode.

Craig,

Great script and good progression. I've written to you about all the typos, over and underuse of commas. The indisciminate use of the word 'and' in the same way I litter my own scripts with obsenities.

But all that's bullcocks as the story itself and the gags are very very good indeed.

As for the gherkin.... I wonder where it comes from myself. I have one in the kitchen. Looks a lot different now. Hmmm. Wherever, keep doing it.

And, having seen how it continues, I do say to all fans of comedy to read this series from the very start.

Thoroughly recommended. And it's rare I say that about anything. Well, apart from alcohol and that 'special interest' club around the back of the bookies. Oh yes, they do you know. All of it. Yes

Well done lad. Now fix them focking typos and commas. And stop it!

RV

Hi Alffy,

Good to see you're keeping up with Mary's exploits... And yes, she's progressed onto the clingfilm now. Whatever will she get up to next, the filthy mare!

Ha ha, the old gherkin joke. Is it a touch too far maybe? Dunno, but people seem to find it funny so it can't be all that bad.

Mary is a little harsh on Edith at times, but Edith's more than capable of a bit of venom when needed.

Cheers for saying I'm hitting the mark with the seedy stuff, it's hardly subtle though in some parts.

Once again, thanks for your thoughts. I hope you get as much out of the final two parts, which are on their way!

Cheers buddy

Craig.

Re- I'll get back to you in the morning, sir!

Afternoon Re,


'...as the story itself and the gags are very very good indeed.' - (blushes) Thanks Re, another cheque will be winging its way shortly.

I'm as pleased as punch (whoever he is) for your recommendation to lovers of comedy to give the series a whirl.

I thought that 'club' had been shut down now?!


Craig

Quoted from craig cooper-flintstone '...as the story itself and the gags are very very good indeed.' - (blushes) Thanks Re, another cheque will be winging its way shortly. I'm as pleased as punch (whoever he is) for your recommendation to lovers of comedy to give the series a whirl. I thought that 'club' had been shut down now?!

It had better not bounce like the last one did you shark. Typ-i-cal.

Blushing? Red cheeks? Wouldn't be the first time. Especially if you went near that club. I couldn't walk for a week...

And you're welcome.

'Tis good. Tis very good. I think it could do with some polishing and perhaps the re-ermgence of some of these people who receive Mary's 'advice'. I imagine she would see them occasionally, shopping or in traffic or the like. Thing is she wouldn't remember them at all. But they'd certainly remember her. Her face and words would be burned into their brains. Try it. Might work. And bunch up those paragraphs, you'll have plenty of room. See, I can't just be nice can I?

As for the club... Nah, after the Cucumber and the Bishop incident they moved next door. You just gotta know the password. It's either "Gherkin" or "Red Hot Karl", depending on the night. Don't forget the lube!

RV

Mr Re,


That's a damn fine idea regarding Mary encountering her previous 'victims' in everyday situations. Nice one. I'll have a think about that one- it could make for some good, uncomforable scenarios.

'As for the club... Nah, after the Cucumber and the Bishop incident they moved next door. You just gotta know the password. It's either "Gherkin" or "Red Hot Karl", depending on the night. Don't forget the lube!'  ....How rude!


Craig

Hey funny and unique stuff, like it.
Looks like someone already mentioned the missing commas before addressing someone.  'hurry up, love'  etc.
Whats a GCSE?
The 'she yells' and such in quotations are a little odd.  I'm certainly not an expert on formatting, but I havent seen that before and I'd think theres a simpler way to show that.
Mary obliviously tearing apart relationships at her job is consistently funny.  Think the whole building up part might have gone a tad long.  There were some funny moments in the grocery store, but it was still a bit slow.
Anyways impressive series so far, look forward to the last two.

I’ve read all four of these much quicker than I thought it would take me, and I must say, I did enjoy all four. The humour was spot on. Very British, most of which might be alien to American readers but they are not your intended audience. You made me laugh quite a bit. You made me laugh a lot, actually. Some of it was so over the top, like Joey and the gherkin in episode four, while there were some nice small touches of comedy, like the car bumper sticker in episode one. There’s a good mix of comedy here for everyone, if Mary’s public readings don’t make you laugh, I don’t know what will.

I see you have been taking some sh!t for the ending to episode one, but I don’t know whether to agree with them or not. At first, I thought it was a great way to end it with such a shock. Then, the more I think about it, if you are aiming for a sitcom here and I don’t think it would work if that is what you’re aiming for. I would hate to be in your position with this, as I’m still 50/50.

I do think there are some things you could improve on. First off, the characters. Mary was the obvious standout but the rest weren’t as much. For the first few episodes, I was wondering what exactly Sam and Iona were there for. They weren’t mediums, but they just sat next to Mary night after night and addressed the crowd the odd time. It wasn’t until episode four, I think, when I found out they worked in the Funeral Parlour. I can’t remember this being mentioned at any other time, which means we go through the first three and a bit episodes wondering what the hell are they doing next to Mary and what their relationship is. Very little time is spent on them until the family angle comes into play later. In my opinion, each character in a sitcom should be able to make people laugh. I got the feeling Iona was only there to throw lesbian jokes at. I think you’re relying on Mary too much, which might be a problem in future episodes if her readings start becoming tiresome (I can’t see it happening either!). My main point here is that if you take Mary out, there’s not much there to laugh at. Introducing Joey helped lately but we don’t see enough of him.

Back on the family part, I think it could be much better if you disguised the fact Mary is Iona’s mum until Edith opens the door to her. That would make a great episode ending. Edith is also a bit mild, I thought she would be more than a match for Mary, be an older, nastier version but I was wrong. She allowed Mary to abuse her that whole shopping trip without being really nasty back. Other characters fail to play a major role, like Andrea and Danielle. I think it was RE who mentioned that she could run into some of them in everyday situations, like when out shopping. I think that’s a great idea and something you should definitely look into to keep future episodes fresh.

The use of commas has been addressed already so I won’t say any more about that. Your action paragraphs could be joined together in places. Some action paragraphs are only one line long which means you’re wasting a lot of white space which could be used for more comedy in each episode. I agree with the poster above that the “She yells” was confusing as I’ve never seen that before either. You can take the quotation marks out.

I think that covers everything I wanted to say. I did really enjoy this and there were a lot more hits than misses with the jokes. I do think you should look over your other characters. If you are planning to send this to the BBC Writers Room as a sitcom, they will want to see a group of funny characters who each bring a different kind of comedy to the script, like ‘Friends’, Joey is the stupid character, Chandler is the sarcastic character. I’m not for one minute comparing this to ‘Friends’ because this is much darker but you’ll get my point. I’m not getting any kind of comedy with Sam or Iona at the moment. Everyone has their favorite character in a sitcom and if someone reads this and doesn’t like Mary or think she is believable (even though we all do), there’s nothing else here to make them read on. I do think you need to look at this and it would fix an otherwise very funny series.  

Good luck with the future episodes, I will be sure to read them.

Brian

Hi Jackx,

A GCSE is a secondary-school qualification!

I have to agree with you that the bits in quotations are strange. They weren't like that in the first draft, but I was advised by a SS member that it needed them. I'm gonna remove them when I get round to an edit.

Glad you enjoyed it on most parts though, and it's good to hear that you're looking forward to the final two installments.

Thanks for the read, I'll return the favour soon.

Craig

Quoted from Brian M I’ve read all four of these much quicker than I thought it would take me, and I must say, I did enjoy all four. The humour was spot on. Very British, most of which might be alien to American readers but they are not your intended audience. You made me laugh quite a bit. You made me laugh a lot, actually. Some of it was so over the top, like Joey and the gherkin in episode four, while there were some nice small touches of comedy, like the car bumper sticker in episode one. There’s a good mix of comedy here for everyone, if Mary’s public readings don’t make you laugh, I don’t know what will.

Cheers Brian. To make someone laugh a little is good, but to make them laugh a lot is great! I agree that a fair bit of the humour will be lost on American readers- the humour is very British. Glad you enjoyed Mary's public humiliations. Even if you've never been to a spiritualist event you can imagine how uncomfortable it would be to have your private life exposed in front of a paying audience...

Quoted from Brian M I see you have been taking some sh!t for the ending to episode one, but I don’t know whether to agree with them or not. At first, I thought it was a great way to end it with such a shock. Then, the more I think about it, if you are aiming for a sitcom here and I don’t think it would work if that is what you’re aiming for. I would hate to be in your position with this, as I’m still 50/50.

I see your point about the ending of episode one. It seems to be rather a 'Marmite' moment. I've just had a look through the feedback, 4 people liked the ending, 3 didn't and 3 were indifferent.

Quoted from Brian M I do think there are some things you could improve on. First off, the characters. Mary was the obvious standout but the rest weren’t as much. For the first few episodes, I was wondering what exactly Sam and Iona were there for. They weren’t mediums, but they just sat next to Mary night after night and addressed the crowd the odd time.

Granted the first few episodes tend to focus on Mary and her messages. As the series progresses the other characters are built up. Sam and Iona are simply the event organisers- you're right, they're not psychic. Sam is pretty much the 'straight' and level headed character, whilst Iona adds conflict and is pretty much a verbal punchbag for Mary. I have to say I really like the character of Edith too...

Quoted from Brian M I think it could be much better if you disguised the fact Mary is Iona’s mum until Edith opens the door to her. That would make a great episode ending.

That was how that episode ended originally- on the line 'I think she was one of those vagi-terians'. I didn't quite have the right impact (IMO) because it wasn't a shock to the reader that Mary was her mother, as it had been heavily hinted at in the preceeding episodes.


Thanks for the read, and thanks for the in-depth feedback- it is greatly appreciated. All comments are taken on board, and I'm glad you enjoyed the series on the whole.

All the best

Craig

Yea...guess I didnt make it that far in school...  Or just in the wrong country.
Whoever told you to do the quotes may be right, I'm somewhat less than an expert on formatting.  But they do look a little odd and I don't think I've seen them before.
And the ending to episode one was a bit of shock reading it the first time, but it kinda makes more sense seeing where you've gone with the series.

Hi Jackx,

They were called GCSEs when I was a lad, don't think they are called that anymore though.

I'm still unsure about the quotes in ep4, I think I'm gonna change it to the other suggestion which was to simply put a '-' after it.

That's officially more people on the side of the grim ending- yay!

Thanks again chap

Craig

PS Do you wanna point me in the direction of any of your stuff to have a look at?

G.C.E.s these days Craig. I see we obviously move in very different circles. Word is you just turn up and you get an 'A' these days, although that may be an exaggeration.

I'll have a look at them quotes then PM you later.

Okay Buddy, Cheers.

They do look rather strange!

Nice one,

Craig

Craig...

I took a look at this.  I read episodes 1,2,3, but haven't made it to the others yet.  Your thread is pretty hot, not too much more that I can add that hasn't been covered already.

But I'll say this, your character Mary was written very well, and so was the rest but I like her the best.  I didn't expect to laugh too much when I started reading the series but I did.

I'm gonna finish the other episodes but this was done quite well.  You thinking about expanding this one day?  You know, to something more?

Ghostwriter22

Hi Ghostwriter,

Happy that you think the characters were well written, especially Mary.

I'm also very glad to hear you got a few laughs out of it- that's great news.

I've written 6 episodes altogether, by expanding it do you mean reworking it into a feature? I've also had a suggestion to see if I can get a local amatuer dramatics company interested in it.

Thanks for reading and your comments, it's greatly appreciated.

Craig

Hey Craig

The banter between Mary and Edith is funny.  I love how you slowly drip a bit more info about there lives, like Mary lives with her mum and there was I thinking she was stuck with her in her own house lol.  This makes even more funny that she's always shouting at her about the state of the house.

Oh no, is this going where I think it's going.....yes, yes it is.  Has Roy just buffed Mary's daughter lol.

Well this was a bit different from previous episodes, a bit more about the characters and a bit less of the one liners.  I think it worked well, it was a change not to have a scene where Mary verbally abuses her audience lol.

I enjoyed this Craig...as I have all the previous episodes.  Is there only one left or are you planning a bigger series?  I honestly think these could get made, have you heard anything from the writers room?

anyway keep up the good work.

Cheers Alffy,

I'm glad you are continuing to enjoy the series. I was a bit worried about this one initially because of the lack of the readings, but I think it worked okay, and I'm glad you agree.

Yes, there's only one episode left to come!

I had a letter back from the writers room saying that it 'wasn't for them' !

Cheers for the feedback buddy,

Craig

Another good episode. Different, but it still works all the same. I wasn't worried about the lack of readings at all. Mary and Edith drinking the "Satan’s balloon knot" had me smiling. The dialogue between both was good, especially Mary moaning about the state of the house.

I was happy to see Iona and Sam get some more pages. The ending with Roy was also well disguised as the stud. The next episode should be something special. Great work.

Oh, and screw the Writer's Room. They waste our License fees to produce sh*tty programs year in, year out. They have proven they don't know a good thing when they see it.  

Brian

Hi Brian,

It was a bit different from the others, and it's good to see someone else agree that it works- thanks!

I'm very happy with the next episode- it still needs a bit of work, so won't be on here just yet. I hope you think it's special enough when it arrives on here. I've tried to make the series go out with a bang.

Thanks for your feedback and encouragement- greatly appreciated buddy.

Craig

Quoted from craig cooper-flintstone I had a letter back from the writers room saying that it 'wasn't for them' !

Mate, that's a shame.  I love this series and thought it would look great filmed.  There are some shows on TV that are just not funny, 'My Family' being one, how many series have they flogged that dead horse for now?

Alffy,

I know what you're saying- I agree, there is a lot of pap on telly these days.

Well you know I'm a fan from way back dontcha? Have just recently read eps 4 & 5 'Comma' Cooper-Flintstone (sorry, couldn't resist)and the development of the series just gets better and better. Added bonus to the comedy and your spot-on dialogue is that nice touching moment between Iona & Sam in Ep 5. and Iona's roll in the hay with the 'stud'.

Anyway at risk of riding on RE's coat-tails I got to thinking along the same lines of bringing back some of Mary's previous 'victims' and how that could be best realised. The truth hurts and some may be out for revenge or at least want to 'expose' some of Mary's antics, and/or hold them up to some further examination.

So, with that thought in mind I think there's an excellent opportunity given Mary's prev. 'published work' (which she always doles out at the 'meetings') to expand upon that idea. Perhaps a 'publisher' offers Mary an opportunity for a 'book tour'. Imagine: Mary and Edith travel to the 'big smoke' - an interview on a talk show could be fun - and perhaps some unexpected guest roles (i.e. those who have previously been affected by Mary's very exacting revelations). Interviewed of course by some snooty BBC type too. Writer's room - you paying attention?! Lots of opps. there I think. And/or Mary on some panel/forum show up against organised-religious types. Just some thoughts. You get the gist.

I'll finish by echoing 1987brian and Allfy's sentiments that the Writers Room obv. don't know talent and 'originality' when they see it. They've got it wrong before - we know that! Let's just hope they're a little slow on the uptake, or that a better offer will come your way. Would be great to see this filmed. Good luck mate.

Hi Libby,

That is a great suggestion regarding previous victims showing their faces again, and the tour/chat show scenario would be brilliant. Maybe even a radio call-in show?

They're great suggestions, and I'll seriously consider them should I feel the urge to start on series two.

Thanks for your kind words and encouragement, I'm really happy that you enjoyed the series. I would never have even written it if you hadn't read 'Heavenly Intentions' and suggested that I try making a comedy version of it. For that I thank you greatly.

Hope you enjoy the finale when it appears on here.

All the best,

Craig

Just finished reading the 4 sections of Spiritual Connections.
Section 1 was very entertaining, all of the characters held my attention.

The medium being presented as genuinely gifted was a nice surprise, and the audience reactions to each revelation were, to my ear, precise and perfectly timed.

The humor seemed good natured and fast moving and there seemed to be a story line worth following.

The sections that followed were also entertaining, but the characters became somewhat less likable -- I mean the characters seemed to be shown predictably to their worst advantage -- so that the humor seemed more forced and eventually became tiresome.

I think your writing style is excellent, every description is exact, the dialogue sounds convincing.  The humor is well paced so there are no dull sections.

Your writing far out-classes your subject matter, although with the right actors and actresses this could be a successful production - maybe it already is.

anyway, best wishes,
CMH

Quoted from c m hall Just finished reading the 4 sections of Spiritual Connections. Section 1 was very entertaining, all of the characters held my attention.

Thanks for the read, CMH. Glad you were entertained.

Quoted from c m hall The medium being presented as genuinely gifted was a nice surprise, and the audience reactions to each revelation were, to my ear, precise and perfectly timed.

Again, thank you. I was originally toying with Mary being a fake, but I thought it would work better if she spoke the undiluted truth!

Quoted from c m hall The humor seemed good natured and fast moving and there seemed to be a story line worth following.

:) :)

Quoted from c m hall The sections that followed were also entertaining, but the characters became somewhat less likable -- I mean the characters seemed to be shown predictably to their worst advantage -- so that the humor seemed more forced and eventually became tiresome.

That's not what I wanted! I thought the repetion of the medium's readings may become a tad predictable after a while, that's why in the later episodes I tried to focus more on the characters.

Quoted from c m hall I think your writing style is excellent, every description is exact, the dialogue sounds convincing.  The humor is well paced so there are no dull sections. Your writing far out-classes your subject matter, although with the right actors and actresses this could be a successful production - maybe it already is.

That's good to hear, I'm really pleased you think this way.

Thanks for reading the series, and your feedback is greatly appreciated.

All the best,

Craig

Hey Craig,

Read your script of epsiode 1 and liked it very much.
I'd be interested in discussing production possibilities.
Please contact me at simoseku@hotmail.com

Thanks much,
Simon

Hey Simon,

Thanks for getting in contact again.

I've Emailed you, and am extremely interested to hear your plans.

Speak soon,


Craig

I like The Departure Lounge very much, I wish it had been a little longer.  The dialogue works very well, the characters become real very quickly by their interaction.
The plot twist also works well, I think, there's enough torque built up by the bits of worry in the men's conversation, the "looking back, looking forward" energy builds up.
I don't even think Barry's "well, it (life) was" is needed, he seems to be happy where he is and the sort of instant translation that might go on in his head with the word "life" might be shrugged off, he might say "no complaints", or something.
I wonder if Keith ought to make some brief, even casual mention of having a loving family, or something to suggest he's aware that someone will miss him -- or perhaps be surprised, himself, to come to that realization, as he talks to Barry.  Like I said, I wished this had been longer, but that's exactly the conclusion the audience should and will come to.

Anyway, you've done a lot with just a few pages!

Sorry if I've posted this in the wrong spot -- I'd try to cut and paste but I always make a mess with the tape and scissors.

Hi CMH,

No worries, I'll answer it in the Departure Lounge thread.

I'm glad you enjoyed it. It's a bit of a 'departure' from Spiritual Connections, no? (excuse the pun).

All the best,

Craig

Craig,

I read the first episode and I really liked it.  The premise of an alcoholic medium is one you should be able to mine for quite a lot of story!

I also liked the ending a lot - seriously good twist.  And I don't think it changes the tenor of the piece at all, since Mary seems to be set up to be irretrievably unlikeable.

A few questions and minor quibbles, some of which may be answered in future episodes I know:

- I was confused by the setting.  It's a weekly thing at a welfare center?  Maybe it's a culture difference between GB and the US, but here these types of things are attended by people who are a bit more well-to-do.

SPOLIER

Mary's ability appears to be geniune, as evidenced by the ending.  I have to confess that I thought you would set her up as a charlatan.  Again, maybe this is explained in further episodes.

The only other thing I was confused about is the reading that the cheating husband got. You referred to "they" a lot during it without telling us who she was getting the information from.  Maybe name the dead person?  A business partner of his, perhaps?

The dialogue could have been sharper in places, but Mary's zingers were spot on.

All in all, very well done and my kind of humor.

AJR

Evenin' AJR.

Quoted from ajr I read the first episode and I really liked it.  The premise of an alcoholic medium is one you should be able to mine for quite a lot of story!

Thanks AJR, I hope you enjoy the further adventures just as much.

Quoted from ajr I also liked the ending a lot - seriously good twist.  And I don't think it changes the tenor of the piece at all

Another vote in favour of the ending... Yaay! I think this puts the poll to more for than against, ta!

Quoted from ajr I was confused by the setting.  It's a weekly thing at a welfare center?  Maybe it's a culture difference between GB and the US, but here these types of things are attended by people who are a bit more well-to-do.

Yes, it's a weekly thing. Based on a weekly spiritualist evening at a welfare centre around the corner from where I live. All walks of life attended including teenage 'chavs' right up to the 'posh-folk'.

Quoted from ajr Mary's ability appears to be geniune, as evidenced by the ending.  I have to confess that I thought you would set her up as a charlatan.  Again, maybe this is explained in further episodes.

No, she's no charlatan that Mary. She's just a little outspoken at times...

Quoted from ajr The only other thing I was confused about is the reading that the cheating husband got. You referred to "they" a lot during it without telling us who she was getting the information from.  Maybe name the dead person?  A business partner of his, perhaps?

Who knows who it was? As I said, I based a fair chunk of this on my personal experience, and no two readings were ever the same- some gave full names, some gave initials and some were refered to as 'they'.

Quoted from ajr The dialogue could have been sharper in places, but Mary's zingers were spot on.

I tried my best :(. Glad you like Mary's lines though :).

Quoted from ajr All in all, very well done and my kind of humor.

Good to hear. Many thanks!


Thanks for the read and the comments, good on yer.


Craig

Thanks to Don for getting the final episode on here so quickly.

I'm not planning on writing any more episodes of this. Hope you enjoy the finale!

It's looking fairly certain that Episode One is going to be produced as a stand-alone short, I'll keep you posted.

Thanks to everyone who's read the series, muchly appreciated.


Craig

Craig,

So. final part is finally here. Firstly, congratulations on completing it.

I like the use of the word 'bog'. Rare to see it written down. This script is pure England - with all it's pecularities. About time someone wrote a UK sitcom that actually has some proper laughs in it.

A lot of excellent plotting going on here too.

I also note the comma and 'and' situation has been resolved. Reads a hell of a lot better now.

I dunno how you do it, but you've sailed pretty close to dodgy territory and managed to stay on course. I've read this three times now and I'm still laughing.
If it was me I would have offended a stack more people. I doubt I have been able to make it any funnier either.

Quoted from SC Ep. 6 EXT. THE FLIDDY ARMS

Just the right side of a shitestorm and still funny.

The Barmaid is a killer of a character. I'll say nothing else about the plot lest I spoil it for folks.

I think you also pretty much cracked the dialogue / action ratio for this. If it wasn't comedy it would be different.

It has improved overall, as have you as a writer. Way improved over Playing God.

As it is there's little I can fault here. Coupla strange phrasings here and there but hardly worth mentioning

Brilliant end to a brilliant series. I do hope this gets picked up. Well done lad.

Ren

Evenin' Re,

Quoted from rendevous So. final part is finally here. Firstly, congratulations on completing it.

Thank you. I am pretty chuffed that it's finally all tied up.

Quoted from Re I like the use of the word 'bog'. Rare to see it written down. This script is pure England - with all it's pecularities. About time someone wrote a UK sitcom that actually has some proper laughs in it.

I like that term as well. Also a fan of 'snap' and 'clouts' for dinner and trousers respectively.  It's great that you think it is that funny, thanks.

Quoted from Re A lot of excellent plotting going on here too.

Cheers muchly. I enjoyed planning the plot and twists. In fact- I really enjoyed writing this whole series. Got more into the flow of it in later episodes, tho.

Quoted from Re I also note the comma and 'and' situation has been resolved. Reads a hell of a lot better now.

Ha ha! At last :)

Quoted from Re I dunno how you do it, but you've sailed pretty close to dodgy territory and managed to stay on course. I've read this three times now and I'm still laughing. If it was me I would have offended a stack more people. I doubt I have been able to make it any funnier either.

That's a great sign- still laughing after 3 reads. Nice one. I didn't write the dodgy and  seedier stuff to try and offend people, I simply put down what would actually make me laugh. Glad you thought it worked.

Quoted from Re I think you also pretty much cracked the dialogue / action ratio for this. If it wasn't comedy it would be different.

Again, I thank you. I tried my best.

Quoted from Re It has improved overall, as have you as a writer. Way improved over Playing God.

I have to agree with you there, squire. Playing God was one of my first attempts though. There's a good story in there somewhere, I really need to think about a rewrite of that one.

Quoted from Re As it is there's little I can fault here. Coupla strange phrasings here and there but hardly worth mentioning Brilliant end to a brilliant series. I do hope this gets picked up. Well done lad.

Really happy you describe it as brilliant, and I'm chuffed that you liked it so much. Episode one is going to be filmed, not sure about the rest of the series though. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Cheers for all the great comments, feedback and advice.

All the best,

Craig

Hey Craig,

Well I'm sure you know by now how much I've enjoyed this series.  I love some of the lines you write, likes these;

'I'm gald I only needed a gypsy' lol.

Oh my...shit in the face lol.

'I'm getting a wide-on as we speak' lol

SPOILERS!!!







A really dark end to the series, I didn't see that coming...neither did Iona lol.

Another good episode Craig, and you left it on a knife edge too.  I enjoyed Mary's verbal attack on the comedian but not sure about his, but that depends on whether or not he actually shot her?  I think you tied a few lose ends up to boot. Overall, I enjoyed and it was a fitting conclusion to a great first series...I hope 'first' series lol.

Great stuff Craig.

Evening Alffster,

Quoted from alffy Well I'm sure you know by now how much I've enjoyed this series.  I love some of the lines you write

Glad you enjoyed them Alffy, thanks for the compliments.

Quoted from alffy A really dark end to the series, I didn't see that coming...

I think I was obliged to have a dark ending after the controversy of Episode One's final scene...

Quoted from alffy Another good episode Craig, and you left it on a knife edge too. I think you tied a few lose ends up to boot. Overall, I enjoyed and it was a fitting conclusion to a great first series...I hope 'first' series lol.

Again, glad you liked it. No plans for another series as of yet though, sorry!

Cheers for the feedback and comments, and thanks for reading the whole series.

Craig

Quoted from craig cooper-flintstone I'm not planning on writing any more episodes of this. Hope you enjoy the finale! It's looking fairly certain that Episode One is going to be produced as a stand-alone short, I'll keep you posted.

I really hope you will think about revisiting Marya t some point in the future as she was a lot of fun.  Gonna miss her.

And a huge and well deserved congratulations my friend!

Hi Craig,

Are you really going to miss her? She was a nasty piece of work...

Thanks for the kind words, I know from your PMs that you liked the whole series, glad you enjoyed it so much.

Looking forward to seeing your next script...


Craig

Hey Craig,

For me, this was the strongest episode of the entire series. There is some funny dialogue in here. REALLY funny dialogue. Not only did this episode keep the plotlines moving along, I thought it was the funniest yet.  

The first few episodes maybe focused more on the comedy and Mary's character than anything else. The last few focused more on the Iona storyline, with the comedy taking a bit of a backseat but still present. This episode, the balance is absolutley perfect. I can't begin to tell how much I enjoyed this one.

One minor complaint... the ending. I know most will disagree with me, but I'm just not really sure about it, you know? It was shocking, it did end with a bang like you promised, I just don't think it fits. After all the crazy comedy moments here, I thought it would end with one more outrageous over-the-top comedy moment. Maybe this was what you wanted the reader to feel as the first episode ended on a shocker. I could see why you ended the first one the way you did as you had to prove someway that Mary is genuine, but this episode, I don't think there is any need for a shock ending. But then again, this could be the reaction you were aiming for and I'm just blabbering.

You can take that as a compliment as I've really taken to Mary's character and I'm still shocked. If this was your aim, it works 100%.

Good luck with this series. TV really needs something like this for a laugh nowadays.

Brian

Happy new years, Brian. Hope you're well.

Quoted from Brian M For me, this was the strongest episode of the entire series. There is some funny dialogue in here. REALLY funny dialogue. Not only did this episode keep the plotlines moving along, I thought it was the funniest yet.

Thanks Brian. Happy that you were entertained, and that you found it so funny. I did try and pull out all stops for this episode (although I did have to tame it back a little in some areas which went a bit too far).  

Quoted from Brian M The first few episodes maybe focused more on the comedy and Mary's character than anything else. The last few focused more on the Iona storyline, with the comedy taking a bit of a backseat but still present. This episode, the balance is absolutley perfect. I can't begin to tell how much I enjoyed this one.

You're 100% right there- the first few were Mary's show completely, with other characters taking a more focussed role as the series went on. The balance in this one is perfect? Thank you so much. I don't suppose it's any coincidence that I really got into writing it as the series went on.

Quoted from Brian M One minor complaint... the ending. I know most will disagree with me, but I'm just not really sure about it, you know? It was shocking, it did end with a bang like you promised, I just don't think it fits.  I don't think there is any need for a shock ending. But then again, this could be the reaction you were aiming for and I'm just blabbering.

Right again, Brian. Exactly the reaction I was aiming for. Everything tied up for the finale (I think).

Quoted from Brian M You can take that as a compliment as I've really taken to Mary's character and I'm still shocked. If this was your aim, it works 100%.

I have indeed taken it as a compliment. You're one of a few who really liked Mary and said that she will be missed (by me too!). Really happy to hear that it shocked you that much, and glad my plan worked!

Quoted from Brian M Good luck with this series. TV really needs something like this for a laugh nowadays.

Thanks again Sir! Ep 1 is being made in the near future in Canada as a standalone short film. It looks like it will have to be changed slightly to make it a bit less British, but I'm really looking forward to seeing the finished product.

Thanks for the glowing review- a great start to the new year for me!

Craig

Craig,

So I finished part II and may I say - seriously good work, dude.

I think the genius of this is not just its premise but the setup. It requires very little heavy lifting on the part of the audience - and the writer, for that matter - and allows us to just enjoy.

What I mean by this is that you've got a set main location, the main character, her two foils, the ditzy helper, and a cast of "guest stars" in the form of new patrons. From what little I've watched of BBC television, I don't see why this couldn't be on the air.

If I had to quibble slightly it would be, as I mentioned in my other post, that some of the information seems to come from an unnamed, disembodied "they" - and it seems like "they", rather than wanting to be helpful to their living relatives, are there just to cause trouble. The other thing I noticed is that sometimes it gets so talky (which I like - I much prefer to read dialogue than narration) that some of the characters appear to talk without being "brought" into the scene.

Rhoda Million: *ajr stands and claps*

Now I ask those who haven't checked any of these out yet to take advantage of the bump here. You won't be disappointed.

Looking forward to the other episodes - AJR

Very good.

Great humour, good material. It definitely has the legs for a continued run, it could go in all sorts of directions.

I've only read the first one, but I'll check out others in the future.

My only criticism would be that it felt like more of stand up routine than a story.  I feel liek you've mastered the hard stuff, the unteachable quality if you will, but fallen slightly short on the story craft side of things.

Most sitcoms seem to tell one particular story in an episode and also weave in longer term arcs within those stories. There was no hint of any goal for Mary, or of the bigger picture outside of this particular medium session.

EG Fools and horses and their quest to become millionaires.

There is enough humour in there to considerably extend it and to introduce bigger story arcs.

EG Mary is a medium and has been trying to contact someone specific all her life and has always failed (maybe that's the root of her drinking problem).

Perhaps it would simply be a matter of extending Andreas part in the story, introducing us to her earlier, maybe her husband as well, which would give the ending more impact.

That being said. This is good stuff. It's the kind of material I really like. I can already imagine all sorts of future story lines.

Rick

Hi AJR,

Quoted from ajr So I finished part II and may I say - seriously good work, dude.

Indeed you may! Thanks for that.

Quoted from ajr I think the genius of this is not just its premise but the setup. It requires very little heavy lifting on the part of the audience - and the writer, for that matter - and allows us to just enjoy.

It got much easier to write as it went on, to the point where I was really looking forward to penning the next episode.

Quoted from ajr What I mean by this is that you've got a set main location, the main character, her two foils, the ditzy helper, and a cast of "guest stars" in the form of new patrons. From what little I've watched of BBC television, I don't see why this couldn't be on the air.

The main reason that it won't be on the BBC is because they turned it down - too edgy apparently. Ep 1 will hopefully start pre-production soon in Toronto, so I'm pretty excited to see how it pans out.

Quoted from ajr If I had to quibble slightly it would be, as I mentioned in my other post, that some of the information seems to come from an unnamed, disembodied "they"

As I've said in previous replies- I went to this spiritualist thing on the end of my street countless times, and the mediums seemed to vary from giving bang-on accurate names/descriptions to simply calling them 'they'. I wanted to vary her readings.

Quoted from ajr and it seems like "they", rather than wanting to be helpful to their living relatives, are there just to cause trouble.

And that, sir, is where the comedy lies!

Quoted from ajr Rhoda Million: *ajr stands and claps*

*CCF grins and blushes*

Quoted from ajr Now I ask those who haven't checked any of these out yet to take advantage of the bump here. You won't be disappointed. Looking forward to the other episodes - AJR

Couldn't ask for more, thank you so much AJR. Hope you enjoy the further episodes just as much.

Cheers buddy

Craig

Hi Rick,

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Very good. Great humour, good material. It definitely has the legs for a continued run, it could go in all sorts of directions.

Thanks Rick, glad you thought so.

Quoted from Rick I've only read the first one, but I'll check out others in the future.

That's a great sign, again thanks :)

Quoted from Rick My only criticism would be that it felt like more of stand up routine than a story.  I feel liek you've mastered the hard stuff, the unteachable quality if you will, but fallen slightly short on the story craft side of things. Most sitcoms seem to tell one particular story in an episode and also weave in longer term arcs within those stories. There was no hint of any goal for Mary, or of the bigger picture outside of this particular medium session.

The first episode is simply a showcase for Mary's (very real) talents, and a way of introducing the principal characters. A 'pilot' if you will. You'll see there's a pretty strong story that develops over the episodes. In fact, it's the story that lies at the heart of this, with the mediumship almost becoming an 'also'...

Quoted from Rick There is enough humour in there to considerably extend it and to introduce bigger story arcs. EG Mary is a medium and has been trying to contact someone specific all her life and has always failed (maybe that's the root of her drinking problem).

I'll be interested to hear your views on further episodes, buddy.

Quoted from rick That being said. This is good stuff. It's the kind of material I really like. I can already imagine all sorts of future story lines.

Great to hear! I said I was only ever writing this one series, but I have to admit that I'm beginning to pine a bit for Mary. I even recieved an E-mail today from a SS member which closed with 'Oh, and BTW, you need to bring Mary back!'

Never say never, eh?

Cheers for the read and great feedback. Highly appreciated, sir.

Craig

Hey Craig,

Ok, so I read the first episode. I've intentionally not read any of the previous reviews so if I repeat anything you'll understand why.

I wanted to start, but saying I've admiration for anyone who pulls off a comedy. I've been writing (albeit not movie scripts or shorts) for a while and I've tried on a couple of occasions to write something 'funny' - what a disaster! So let's start with the basics.....your script IS funny. As you know, I'm a Brit as well so for a UK audience (and albeit on a sample 1 'cos I haven't read any other reviews) it made me laugh....out loud once (and that takes some doing normally). On a slight tangent it will be interesting to discover if forum readers from outside the Uk think the same. My impression is that one of the factors sitcom scripts are reviewed on is the 'international' market (North America in particular of course).

I wasn't wild about all the jokes, but the majority worked on me and seemed pretty original. I should qualify that by saying 'comedy' is not a specialist subject of mine so you may be repeating Billy Connely jokes for all I know.

The dialogue mostly worked. On occasion it was too forced for my taste and sounded a bit like.....well, that someone was telling a joke. I know that's the point, but from a personal perspective the comedy I really love, just falls out the story rather than me picturing one of my pals (I have a couple!) telling me a tale down the boozer.

I read a piece from a guy who evaluated comedies for something or other. He said the most depressing thing was that the vast majority of what he was sent simply wasn't funny. So back to a core attribute: most of the time, I found the script funny.

Interestingly, I thought there were perhaps too many jokes, or at least too many of the same type of joke i.e. Mary receiving an embarrassing message which she tells the audience. I think there's enough funnies in there for you to replace one of the messages with some more of the story - character development, action or whatever; if you can make that part funny at the same time all the better. The one joke I didn't like was the old guy at the end. I suspect that might simply be taste though.

On to the next part: the premise. Again, I really liked it. The subject of being a medium is one that I imagine is well-known but not, at least to my knowledge, been explored previously from a comedy perspective. I've also got about twenty wild story diversions in my head, just thinking about the topic. So loads of scope to diversify and keep it interesting. Yep, liked the premise and also liked the structure of the episode. It had a beginning, middle and end. And to top it all an ending that was interesting, for a sitcom. Crikey.....Mary really does have pshycic powers. Or does she....I haven't read ep2, but it will be very interesting what you do with this. Is it a serial, or is it a series?

Now on to my struggle with this.....putting aside the jokes, when I read this, the characters and premise remind me of a sitcom that plays at say 8pm. Acorn Antiques, Keeping Up Appearances, One Foot in the Grave. The jokes though are more Shameless, Green Wing, Gavin and Stacey - post the watershed, on the edge of seriously bad language, controversial, modern (they may be crap examples of sitcoms by the way).

So this might just be my perception - and remember I'm hardly expert reviewer material - but it feels like you have two halves, each of which individually is great. They just don't fit together. Sorry, if that sounds fundamental. I'm not a fan of suggesting fundamental changes to a premise, but I think it would work better if Mary or the crowd around her were somehow more modern.

So that's about it. A few grammos etc. but I've tried to point out the stuff I thought interesting.

Cheers
T

Evening Thornton,

Cheers for the read!

Quoted from Thornton I wanted to start, but saying I've admiration for anyone who pulls off a comedy. I've been writing (albeit not movie scripts or shorts) for a while and I've tried on a couple of occasions to write something 'funny' - what a disaster! So let's start with the basics.....your script IS funny. As you know, I'm a Brit as well so for a UK audience (and albeit on a sample 1 'cos I haven't read any other reviews) it made me laugh....out loud once (and that takes some doing normally).

Thank you for the comments. The fact that you found funny is great, and if it managed to make you laugh out loud, that's even better.

Quoted from thornton On a slight tangent it will be interesting to discover if forum readers from outside the Uk think the same. My impression is that one of the factors sitcom scripts are reviewed on is the 'international' market (North America in particular of course).

It's interesting you should ask that- as the humour is very much broad and british. If you check back over previous comments you'll see that episode one should be going into pre-production in the not too distant future. Not over here in Blighty, but over the pond in Toronto, Canada!  

Quoted from thornton I wasn't wild about all the jokes, but the majority worked on me and seemed pretty original. I should qualify that by saying 'comedy' is not a specialist subject of mine so you may be repeating Billy Connely jokes for all I know.

Comedy is all a matter of personal taste, so I wouldn't expect it to everyone's 'cup of tea', and no, I'm not!

Quoted from thornton The dialogue mostly worked. On occasion it was too forced for my taste and sounded a bit like.....well, that someone was telling a joke. I know that's the point, but from a personal perspective the comedy I really love, just falls out the story rather than me picturing one of my pals (I have a couple!) telling me a tale down the boozer.

Yep, fair comment. A few people have said that the beauty of the humour is that they are already anticipating the jokes, so, as I said previously, it's all about personal preferences again. I know what you're saying though.

Quoted from thornton Interestingly, I thought there were perhaps too many jokes, or at least too many of the same type of joke i.e. Mary receiving an embarrassing message which she tells the audience.

This was originally written as a comedy version of a very serious short I had written called 'Heavenly Intentions'. A SS member commented that she would find it interesting to see a different take on the drama, using the same characters and situations. This first episode was my mind running wild, setting the scene for the obnoxiuosness of Mary's character, and while it may seem to you that I've shoe-horned as many jokes as possible, I don't think (IMO) that a comedy can ever have too many gags.

Quoted from thornton I think there's enough funnies in there for you to replace one of the messages with some more of the story - character development, action or whatever; if you can make that part funny at the same time all the better.

Episode one is Mary's gig! There's a pretty deep and continuing story that emerges from ep 2 onwards. The 1st was a way to introduce all the main characters to the reader.

Quoted from thornton The one joke I didn't like was the old guy at the end. I suspect that might simply be taste though.

Yeah, I can understand that. There's a few more instances where I was unsure if I'd crossed the line a little too far,  some liked the 'near the knuckle' bits, whilst others didn't, so yes, as you said, it's a taste thing again.

Quoted from thornton On to the next part: the premise. Again, I really liked it. The subject of being a medium is one that I imagine is well-known but not, at least to my knowledge, been explored previously from a comedy perspective. I've also got about twenty wild story diversions in my head, just thinking about the topic. So loads of scope to diversify and keep it interesting. Yep, liked the premise and also liked the structure of the episode.

Thanks, again! There's loads of different scenarios still swimming around in my head, even though I've finished the series!

Quoted from thornton It had a beginning, middle and end. And to top it all an ending that was interesting, for a sitcom. Crikey.....Mary really does have pshycic powers. Or does she....

Yep she does. That's why I went for the shock ending- just to prove her abilities. I'm glad you liked the ending by the way- if was split down the middle by people who liked it and people who hated it. Your vote has tipped it well into favour!

Quoted from thornton I haven't read ep2, but it will be very interesting what you do with this. Is it a serial, or is it a series?

It's a six part series, and I hope you do read further episodes :)

Quoted from thornton Now on to my struggle with this.....putting aside the jokes, when I read this, the characters and premise remind me of a sitcom that plays at say 8pm. Acorn Antiques, Keeping Up Appearances, One Foot in the Grave.

The original idea was for a 'Vicar of Dibley' style sitcom, and the first few pages reflect that influence...

Quoted from thornton The jokes though are more Shameless, Green Wing, Gavin and Stacey - post the watershed, on the edge of seriously bad language, controversial, modern

... And you've hit the nail on the head. It wasn't intentional- it started out in my head as a gentle comedy, and mutated along the way. Granted, it's a bit sweary and controversial, but I can't imagine it any other way now.

Thanks for the highly detailed feedback, advice and thoughts- they're always greatly appreciated and taken into account.

All the best

Craig

Craig,

Okay, I've finished episode three, and now we're into some plot twists...

I can tell you I saw all of it coming, but maybe that's the way you wanted it. I guess for a six-part series it's only fitting that all of these characters "relate" to each other in some way.

A good exchange between Sam and Mary, which was a nice shift from the comedy that up until now has taken place almost exclusively in the reading room.

Looking forward to reading 4 through 6 - good job with this as always,

Anthony

Hi Anthony,


I really appreciate your comments, and I'm glad you're enjoying the antics!


Thanks again.

Hi Craig,
Your comedy series was recommended to me by Anthony(ajr). I wrote a comedy movie, which Anthony believes it would be better as a comedy series, in other words like yours.
I read the 1st episode and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I grew up with British sitcoms and I love the humour.
Your characters are very detailed and I could visualize them on the BBC. Mary for one, made me laugh out loud! I look forward to reading the remaining episodes.

No Pressure, but if you get a chance, maybe you can check out the `Life of Riley`.

Knowing the man himself is handy. And I do. He's a tad busy at the mo. Matters of the heart methinks. Or maybe I'm wrong. I do know SC is close to his heart.

So. Let me thank you on his behalf. I doubt he'd mind me saying that IE.

All I'm saying is the fella stays round here little. But I suspect he has a look now and again.

I also suspect he may reappear occasionally. We can always hope.

Now. Where is my gherkin?

R

Quoted from irish eyes Hi Craig

Hey IE!

Quoted from irish eyes Your comedy series was recommended to me by Anthony(ajr). I wrote a comedy movie, which Anthony believes it would be better as a comedy series, in other words like yours.

Good old AJR. He's a diamond that one.

Quoted from irish eyes I read the 1st episode and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I grew up with British sitcoms and I love the humour.

Thank you so much for the compliments. It means a lot to me.

Quoted from irish eyes Your characters are very detailed and I could visualize them on the BBC. Mary for one, made me laugh out loud! I look forward to reading the remaining episodes.

I don't think there's much chance you'd see this on the Beeb, although that was the original intention. Laughing out loud is good. Very good!

Quoted from irish eyes No Pressure, but if you get a chance, maybe you can check out the `Life of Riley`.

I'll save it to my desktop and try and read it over the next few weeks, as Re said- It's a bit hectic at the mo. I'll PM you my thoughts.

Thanks again for the read and the kind words

Craig

Quoted from rendevous Knowing the man himself is handy. And I do. He's a tad busy at the mo. Matters of the heart methinks. Or maybe I'm wrong. I do know SC is close to his heart. So. Let me thank you on his behalf. I doubt he'd mind me saying that IE.

Much appreciated Rendy. SC means a lot to me, and it's always a joy to see that someone has read (and hopefully enjoyed it).

Quoted from Re All I'm saying is the fella stays round here little. But I suspect he has a look now and again.

You're right- I'm not here as often as I used to be. It got a bit 'grandiose' on the forums for me. But you're right, I do stop by, and I always respond when someone leaves me feedback, or asks me to look at their work.

Speak to you soon, Sire. I'll be sending you a work in progress soon!

Quoted from RE I also suspect he may reappear occasionally. We can always hope.

Compliments will get you everywhere. Cheers buddy.

Quoted from RE Now. Where is my gherkin?

You probably left it in the 'booth' in that dodgy club behind the bookies. That's where you left the clingfilm.

CCF

I got the impression, right away, that this was British comedy.  And, while I do enjoy that style of humor, this script (ep 1) didn't do it for me.

The characters were all very two-dimensional.  Nothing really stuck out with any of them. Looking back, the only thing that I remember is that Mary is a medium who drinks.  All the other characters are just a collage of white trash spin art.  I don't remember anyone enough to separate him from the next character.

It felt as if you didn't know where you were going with it and that Mary's readings were just filler to get from the beginning to the end.  It just went on and on until you reached a certain number of pages and you said, "Let's wrap it up."

Comedies are the hardest genres to critique, IMHO.    If a horror script isn't scary enough, you can point out why.  If an action script doesn't have enough action, you can say where more action should go.  Comedy, on the other hand, is much harder as the reader may not get all the jokes, or even be able to identify the jokes when they happen.  I chuckled once or twice, and that's it.  And I can't give exact criticism where more jokes should go.  That's something that is entirely up to you.

The best advise I can give you with this is to strip down the episodes and figure out what the story should be in each one.  Without a story, you're just rambling.  And it shows.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Hi Phil,


Whoa, you really didn't like this, eh? Usually if I can't find any part of a script to keep me interested I give up by pg 10-15 so kudos to you for battling it out till the end.

Your right, it is British. Very British. Northern humour to be exact. When I first posted these, I thought the only people who'd appreciate the humour would be Re and Alffy, and was really surprised by the great feedback they have had.

I thank you for taking the time to read this, and leave your thoughts. The majority of points you made have already been answered over the previous six pages. I do the odd bit of rambling. Usually round the peak district though.

Just an update- Spiritual Connections is currently at number 2 (and subsequent episodes at 8 and 9) in the teleplay chart over at circalit, for what it's worth!

If any fans of the series fancy clicking the 'fan' button over there, I'd be very grateful!

Cheers all

Craig

There's now a kickstarter campaign for the feature length version of this series. It's now called 'Kindred Spirits' and has a great cast and crew attached.

The link for the campaign and teaser trailer is-

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1697307498/kindred-spirits-an-independent-feature-comedy?ref=discovery

Glad to see you back, Craig. You were missed. Sorely. And I wasn't throwing anything at you.

I loved the first part of the trailer. I thought the actress playing Mary was great, the others weren't half bad either. I laughed out loud several times.

Not too sure about the second part with the sales pitch. But I'm a cynic by nature. And I'm not trying to raise funds.

The first part was brilliant. This is a film I'd definitely go and see at a cinema. They got the spirit, ahem, of the script and nailed the character.  No small achievement.

Hope it works out for you. It's all there. This could be good, nay, great.

Time for a drinky now, methinks. Congrats.

R

Cheers Re,

I've missed you too. I'm going to be showing my face around here again I think- starting by reading some scripts whilst I've got some free time over the festive period!

I have to agree with you- Jeanette nailed Mary's character down to a tee. I really hope it all pans out as I think with the cast and crew already attached this could be very good!

Keep your eye on the imbd page as new actors are added quite often as they are signed. The latest? The actress who played Marilyn Hope in Crossroads as Mary's mother and Laurence R Harvey from the human centipede II as the 'Hot Karler'!

Here's the link- http://imdb.com/title/tt3323026/

Anyway, cheers for the comments. I promise not to be a stranger for quite so long. If you want to point me in the direction of a few scripts to be reading it would be muchly appreciated.

Craig