Listen with Your Heart by Gary D. Rademan (grademan) (The Unknown Comic)  Short, Romantic Dramedy w/ music - Nasty Natalie must get a beat down before she can stand up for herself. Frank Sinatra (OK a tribute artist) sings the hit song "Why So Cold?" - pdf, format 8)

This one was pretty good, plus it had a chick fight, and chick fights are awesome :P
Natalie was an interesting character, I kinda felt she was older than just in her twenties, I dunno why but to me she seemed like those Diva's who are in their late forties or fifties, she was still pretty funny though.
I thought this fit the theme and the song was pretty cool.  Good work

I wasn't quite as thrilled with this one as Jordan is.

The characters were "strange" to me and their dialogue was stiff and felt unreal. This was also supposed to take place in a five star expensive and chic restaurant. I didn't feel any of the characters fit in that setting. Possibly Gordon, but not the others.

Natalie acts bizarre to me. I don't get her reasoning for her actions at all. I didn't really care for her.

The only character I felt anything for was Jenny. She felt like a real character and someone I could sympathize with. Billy was a block of wood and didn't do anything to stand out on his own.

The violence was over the top to me. Seemed borderline cartoonish. I didn't for a second believe Natalie and Jenny would suddenly start laughing in the middle of the fight.

The song at the end was nice.

Good effort for the OWC, but needs to be re-worked to be more believable even if you go for over the top, if you know what I mean.

I thought the only comedy part was the fight, the rest was just a story about a bitch of a woman.

I did warm up to Jenny, but like Pia said, I really don't think that after a cat fight, they would come out laughing.
I liked the Lyrics and it summed up the story.

Not one of my favorites so far but a great effort.
Thanks for the read.

Fluid style, this was easy to read.  I enjoyed the dueling lipstick smears and the silicone squish.  As well as this line:

NATALIE
It's not a ring unless I can
see it from four tables away.

The hostility between Natalie and Jenny felt real to me so the twist in the fight felt out-of-the-blue.  Also I wanted more of an encounter between Natalie and Randolph since she's been waiting for him.  An opportunity to up the romance angle as well.

Have to agree with what Pia said.  Not a single realistic character in here, and really no realistic relationships or actions, either, for that matter.  Nothing made alot of sense here, and I continually was scratching my head.

Only 2 full slugs in the entire 12 pages.  Everything else was an abbreviated slug, which in this case didn't work at all.  Because of this, passage of time was impossible to follow, and this made many of the scenes seem very unrealistic.  I mean, the majority of this script takes place over several hours, but if feels like it's all crammed into several minutes.

I really didn't see much humor here, and I defintely would not call this a romantic comedy in any way.

I think you did a pretty good job with the music and lyrics, and it was much better than the vast majority I've read so far, in terms of music placement.  It seemed to have a reason here, and that's a definte positive.

All in all though, this didn't work for me at all, sorry to say.  Several edits and continuity checks would make this much stronger.

Good job getting an entry in on this tough challenge.

nothing wrong with a good ol' fashion cat fight...most of it was done pretty well...things to be careful about using..."expensive" restaurant...we don't know that...that sort of subtext should be revealed on screen or via dialog...but a nice read...

You paint Natalie out as this big mouthed bitch yet she has no immediate reaction when Brian spills a drink down her cleavage??  

I didn't really get the story here.  I think maybe because I had a hard time understanding the characters and their motives.  The Natalie/Jenny fight ended strangely.  All of a sudden they started laughing and became friends?  And why were Gordon and Brian trying to help her in the end if she's so terrible?  

I like what you did with the song, and there were some funny moments but I didn't feel the romance at all.  

Your format is flawless and your writing is SO easy to read.  I just wished I connected with the characters and the story more.  

LISTEN WITH YOUR HEART

Pros – Clean looking script. Frank Sinatra sings! Visuals good in cat fight scene.

Cons – Over the top cat fight. Characters not fleshed out (Brian, Billy and Randolph).  The dreaded restaurant scene in a rom-com extended for the entire script.

Comedy – Loved the line “I pledge allegiance to the biggest, toughest bitch in the room.” Two girls would not laugh at the end of this fight!

Romance – The story is about Natalie the bitch.  Not a romantic story line. Plus, Brian is not much of a romance interest.

Lyrics – Good lyrics used in lounge sung by Sinatra tribute artist. And used at end as theme song.

Writer – BTW, it’s Francis A. (not E.) Sinatra.  Should Natalie be older? More motivation expressed for characters. Good fluid style.

Criteria – Comedy and romance could be much better.

Gary

Didn't really understand this one. The characters' dialogue was awkward and their behavior seemed unrealistic. Lack of complete slug lines caused it to appear that the story took place in mere minutes.

I felt like this was a unique take on the song theme. Using a Frank Sinatra tribute artist and having Natalie affected by the song.

The visuals were strong especially in the fight scene.

Now as far as the romantic comedy, I didn't feel that it was comedic. It felt
serious to me. And when they suddenly laughed, it seemed a bit off.
I kind of am on the fence with this idea. It could work I think, but
it needs some tweaking.

A good effort.

Sandra

I'm sorry but I didn't feel this one. A lot of talking and a bit cliché about the place. Natalie (Naturally) is a good character but she seemed to me like a fury and misplaced. A nice effort anyway when you think it's been written in a week.

Michel 8)

Thanks for the read. I liked your lyrics very much.

I was concerned about the pacing at places: when they lye, covered in toilet paper - that's too soon - if Billy talked first the camera would be switched to Billy and then to the girls - that would be better, in my opinion. Also, when Natalie tried to insult Billy and Jenny - you could have let know that they heard her. Minor points, overall pacing feels natural actually.

The romance is there but not as much..

All in all, I liked the script, had fun reading it, thanks.

This started brightly and was interesting but Natalie's antics became annoying after awhile. i liked the way the lyrics were woven in via the Blue Eyes tribute guy.
There were a couple of funny lines but the cast were all a bit unlikeable.

I'm guessing an actual muso wrote this - maybe George?

This was a good attempt, but fell a bit short of the mark.

Like a couple of others said, the secondary slugs were a bit of a problem here. Particularly the number of times you use TABLE, which would have worked just as effectively if you had it in the action line.

The motivation of all of the characters in this story seems a bit off to me. It wasn't clear to me at first that when Natalie remarked about the size of the ring etc. that Jenny and Billy could hear her. I assumed she was making the remark to Brian and only he could hear her. And when he pours the drink down her dress I expected her to be outraged and let fly with the expletives. But she said nothing at all. Why?

I didn't buy that Jenny would know all these details about Natalie and go out of her way to want to change her and 'show her the errors of her way' so to speak. She is just a stranger in a restaurant, after all.

When they are fighting you write "Jenny's ebony face smooches the glass...". I don't see the necessity in referring to her face as ebony. We already know she is black so why draw attention to the colour of her face. If it was a white woman, would you refer to her face as 'ivory'? I know you referred to the colour of Natalie's butt as ivory, but that is done through Jenny's dialogue so that is a different matter.

The romance between Brian and Natalie felt very forced. There was no build-up to it. There was no hint before this that she even liked him.

When Randolph entered the restaurant I got a bit confused. Why does Gordon smear lipstick on his collar? I didn't see the motivation for that. Then it seems as if he passes the lipstick tube to Natalie, who is in on it. Then she is enraged when she sees the lipstick on his collar. So is she just acting upset? I'm getting a bit lost here by who is trying to help Natalie and for what reason. Then when she grabs him by the balls and Jenny flexes her fingers and he heads out of the restaurant, all of this is totally rushed and made no sense.

How did Gordon blackmail Randolph? If it is something to do with the lipstick, I don't get it. It's confusing. The last few pages there are a lot of 'Natalie kisses Brian. Natalie looks at Gordon. Natalie smiles.' type sentences. It feels really rushed, were you racing the clock to get this submitted in time? The ending falls flat for me and I don't care about any of the characters at this point so it had no emotinal effect.

I can see what you have gone for with the character arc of Natalie but it is a bit over the top. She changes too much IMO. It is okay for her to learn her lessons and change, but it still has to stay within the realms of her character. She goes from being a cold-hearted ice princess bitch to in the end being warm and running up and hugging an kissing Brian. It would have been more effective if she simply softened and was polite and friendly to people without being too warm and fuzzy that it seemed unbelievable.

Nice try, well done on completing the challenge.

Cheers,
Tim.

I liked the bitchy remark about the ring, the cat fight, the lyrics, and the fact that there's plenty of action. But I found the action difficult to picture. For instance, when Natalie makes the remark about the ring, is she talking to Billy and Jenny, or saying it loudly to the restaurant at large, or just to Brian standing there with a drink and Billy overhears? And the cat fight should have been written to be more visually exciting on the page. It's not a crime to use caps, italics etc to emphasize that this is a block of high-energy ACTION, not just characters moving about normally.

Also, the fight - laugh - fight sequence was baffling, as other have said. Perhaps Jenny could announce she's going to teach Natalie manners, then later, Oh, you still haven't learned manners. BANGS forehead on table.

For me, Brian needs to do more to win Natalie than just be cute and pour a drink over her. At the least, he should bribe Gordon to put lipstick on Vanderbilt's shirt (and, from the script it wasn't clear to me that Gordon does this surreptitiously, or even why he should do it for her in the first place -- he owes Natalie nothing). And Natalie needs to act more regal and Ice Princessy. If you hadn't described her as an Ice Princess right at the start, one would think she's trailer trash. For instance, in standing up to Vanderbilt she should first tell him off coldly, *then* crush his balls.

Generally, the scenes were difficult to picture, and the characters' motivations were not always clear. I'd say it needs an extensive rewrite to realize your idea properly.

I had a hard time with this one... Were we to assume it wa frank sinatra himself singing at the restaurant??? His name was Frankie??? If so it would need to be dated, but i could be completely off.

The fight in the bathroom was way too long, didn't add to your story. I never got why, all of the sudden, they just started laughing and became friends.

The lyrics were nice though. I don't feel they completely were base around your theme, but nice.

This did lack comedy IMO, and romance. Natalie and brian needed to be built up a little more, but it was a daunting task for 12 pgs.

I still don't get the Rany vandy thing...

You write well, but it didn't flow to me. But then again, we all complain about flow reading a script, when its flow watching it on film that matters. Could be different on film.

Good effort....       James

Thanks guys for reading this. I've PMed all of you who reviewed this and thanks again for the time. My best work is yet to come.

Yes, I reviewed my own work. It was easy to dis myself after letting it sit for a few days while waiting for it to be posted.

Gary

This one had a very interesting vibe to it.  I kept thinking this was taking place in a 1950's country club.  Even the story, up to a certain point, seemed to be of another era, what with the scheming little debutante social climber and the Frank Sinatra guy.

It took a strange turn with the fight and never quite regained its footing, IMO.  I think it would have worked better without the fight and just made it more about Natalie and her romantic problems with her man.

Definitely one of the better songs, though.  Good job on that.

So, from Tom & Jake to this. I do not know how you managed two entries, and very different styles too - very versatile. This one was more up my alley. A really quick and easy read, great touches of humour. Loved this line:

'I am deeply concerned
regarding the condition of
your décolleté, Miss
Hawthorne.'

I was a little befuddled during the 'cat fight', not sure about that. And, I couldn't
really detect much in the way of romance, so marks off (if there were marks) for that. Overall: a really entertaining read. Oh, and I loved those lyrics - very 'outside the square'.

L. C.

Thanks for the read.

I am glad you liked that line. I had to work on it through several drafts. I like this type of dialog/humor a lot.

The main purpose of the catfight was to add action to an already dull restaurant setting. I may have overdone it at the expense of the story but it was so cool to write as my first action scene I couldn't resist.

Originally, this script clocked in at 15 pages so a lot of trimming was required which explains the quick read and shallow romance and plotting concerns.

Also glad you noted the lyrics. I used to be a wannabe singer/songwriter before a wannabe screenwriter.

Gary