One Bad Week by Jordan Wiebe (theboywhocouldfly) (River Crossing)  Short, Romantic Dramedy w/ music - Harry is in debt with some bookies, plus his girlfriend has just kicked him out, this is going to be one bad week. - pdf, format 8)

Beetle Juice,

This is the best OWC script I've read so far! Of course since it's also the first, I was bound to say that. But I did enjoy it quite a bit.

The opening scene had me kinda chuckling to myself. These days I can't watch mobsters pounding on people screaming "where's my fucking money? Where's my money" without thinking of Stewie beating the living snot out of Brian. Damn Family Guy, rotting my brain.  >:(

I thought the romantic stuff worked quite well. The break up scene had a nice poignant kick to it and I liked how you worked the song into the story. Would've been cool to see you go full on musical with it and just have him burst into spontaneous song, but maybe next time. :P

The comedy aspect is probably the weakest of the script. While there are a few good one-liners, they're kind of just tossed in casually. It would've been cool if Alex had more to say, he was my favourite. This is a pretty small quibble though. The challenge was a romantic dramedy and this definitely fits the bill. I did like that the comedy that there was in the script came from chracter, rather than "gags" or "jokes", that would've made it seem cheesy I think.

Ending-wise, I liked how you wrapped things up. Some people are probably going to be a little miffed with you when the read it, but I thought it was pretty ironic and very fitting in its own way. I liked that it wasn't all wrapped-up in a nice little bundle of kisses and puppies.

Overall a pretty darn good read. Sure, Richard Curtis probably could've done a better job with the comedy/romance/drama thing, but I liked it for what it is and it fits the guidelines of the challenge very well. Good work.

Um yeah...this was a bit of a mish-mash to me. Formatting was good, style good, but you didn't seem to know exactly how the story should unfold.
The fact that Harry is in a band is sort of thrown in suddenly, so the reader knows where the song will come from.
It veers between adequate comedy and then the ending doesn't sit well at all.

Maybe could be re-written better outside the deadline pressure situation. Cheers

I'll tell you right now that I like happy endings. All the time. So let's set that aside for the moment and pretend it didn't happen.

Quoted from chism This is the best OWC script (this time) I've read

What he said.

This one is not bad, but the ending just put me off as it turns this into a mobster script.

But you met the criteria well: there is romance, some indication of comedy, and you incorporated the song within the script. This is rare as many of the other scripts tend to have only one or the other.

If I could change this, I'd just take out the first and last scene.

You might want to put in more action and/or character expression when you have a long conversation between characters.

Overall, this is an okay entry. You just need to sort out what type of story you want to tell.

I'm not the one to fall for a bad ending but I think this ending is the best thing about your script. That and the lyrics.

p12 - it was hard to buy into Emily's crying - I think that's because we haven't seen that much of Emily throughout.

It's a bit slow paced for me. But I like fast paced in general - so, my fault:)

ONE BAD WEEK

Pros – Good basic style. Gunshot and Pop Tarts in the same script! Toilet plunging.

Cons – Predictable plot.

Comedy – Humorous dialogue but most of it was in a serious scene. Loved the Pop Tarts scene with Alan’s mom.

Romance – More of a tragedy or drama. Loan sharks give Harry one week to repay loan. Emily gave up on Harry’s gambling ass. Just when Harry thinks he’s got her back, the loan sharks show up.

Lyrics – Worked in as lounge singer’s love song to his girl. Cool.

Writer – Ending was good but not unexpected.  For romance, maybe include a flashback to a happier day for Harry and Emily? Good eye for detail esp. in opening scene.

Criteria – More of a tragedy than a romance/drama.

Gary

For the most part I liked this script.  For the most part...

It never made me laugh but it had an amusing quality.  I found the romance part of it a bit forced in there at the very begining but you developed it quite nicely, I thought.

I'm sorry to say that I didn't really dig the lyrics as much as other's here. It was a noble try but they didn't work for me.

I didn't like the ending.  The ending made the whole script seem like the begining of another story to me.

You did well and there are pieces of this script that I would call excellent but overall I feel it needs some work on the weaker parts.

You get:
:) ;) :( :) :'(

As someone else said, you need to lose the first and last scene for sure, cause it kills the rest of your script.

Nicely written piece and even a pretty good story, but the ending takes it completely out of romantic comedy.  I even thought the humor was pretty good throughout.

Lyrics didn't work for me, sorry to say.  Couldn't fit them into the tune and they were pretty cheesy, in a bad way.

Good effort for sure here.  It just didn't end on a positive note for me.

ONE BAD WEEK --

I'm not really sure what to say about this script.  There were good moments, some funny dialogue and colorful characters but, overall, it just didn't work for me.  

I think a lot of that had to do with the inconsistent tone.  It seemed like the author was trying to do to much with the material.  I think a simpler approach to the story would have been better; maybe losing the thugs.  

The song was worked in nicely and the dynamic between Harry and Emily was sweet.

Again, I don't think this is a bad script.  It just didn't work for me.  

It was a bit like reading two different stories in this script, each with their own tone. The ending is not bad in and of itself, but it doesn't really fit into the romantic dramedy genre. I think if you got rid of the whole gambling and mobsters plot and replaced it with something simpler, like drinking for example, you would still have a reson for Emily to kick Harry out. And it would better suit the tone of the main story and the genre.

Very well written though, only a couple of mistakes that stood out. I thought the lyrics that you came up with were better than most I have read so far. Overall it was a really solid entry, one of the better one's so far.

Cheers,
Tim.

nice presentation, you really formatted things well...i thought the story line was a little simplistic (but that generally comes along with a 12 pager)...if i have any suggestion, it would be to trim some of the dialog...it tends to read very straight forward...i.e. it's not going to happenplease understand thati miss youi miss you tooi need to move on...things like that will make your dialog flow smoother and read a little true-er...when two characters are having a dialog they're probably not going to say each others name throughout the conversation (unless in a moment of anger)...anyway nice story...thanks

wow!  that ending was such a downer!!  i really liked it, till the very end.

writing's very good, with the exception of a few punctuation errors (or what i saw as errors).

fella's - shouldn't it be "fellas," since it's plural, not a possessive?  

the script flowed nicely, except that i would have liked to see some more interaction between the characters.  it was basically back-and-forth dialogue.  

the ending just sorta creeped up.  it seemed like you were on pg. 11, and had to think of a quick and dirty way to end the piece.  up until then, the pace was good.  

Well I knew by the reviews before mine that the ending wasn't going to match up to the light-heartedness of the story.  Jeesh.  Not sure about that.  Not saying that every love story has to have a happy ending but you created a vibe then killed it.  In my opinion you either have to lighten up on the ending...maybe have Dom bust his kneecaps or something like that...or create a more tense and suspenseful vibe in the story so the end doesn't feel so abrupt and disappointing.  

I think the romance could use a little more deep emotion and I felt like Emily gave in pretty quick at the end.

What I really loved was Alex's character.  And his (O.S.) mother.  It reminded me of Will Farrel's character in "Wedding Crashers" when he kept yelling to his mom to make them meatloaf.  I cracked up when the Pop Tarts were ready.  YES!  hee hee.  And the fact that they stole his Mom's flowers to give to Emily.  Funny.  :)

I think with a little work this could really be great.  Show more of an emotional connection between Harry and Emily.  Their relationship felt very dry and a lot of that could be fixed through dialog.  In the beginning some of their conversation was bland and repetetive like: "EMILY - What happened to you/ then again/ EMILY - What happened?"  -----  "HARRY - You gotta smoke? /  EMILY - Yeah I gotta smoke".  ----To me the dialog lacked emotion.  

Anyway, I did really enjoy this one.  

I'm sorry, but I don't have really good things to say here.

There was a lot of bad language, but not to any good effect.

The comedy wasn't there. Sorry.

But you worked on the challenge and that's a good thing.

Sandra

This script had some funny lines. This was 'Hey, what the hell happened to all my flowers?" was one of the funniest things I have read in about a year. No joke. Nearly pissed myself.

I think this script worked well. Guy gets girl, guy loses girl, guy gets girl. And then guy dies at the end. Okay that last bit isn't normal, but it was sad.

I like the fact you haven't made the last scene all bloody and disgusting, because that's not the meaning of the piece.

The song works well, and is in there for a good reason.

Overall this was a good script, and works well. Good stuff.

This one fit the challenge well, much more of a drama than comedy, but at least a little bit of comedy was put in.  the middle part seemed a bit rushed, could have used a bit more of harry and emily.  liked the ending though, probably the only way this could have ended.  Good effort.

This had some good stuff. Definitely edgier than the rest. But I think it could've been way better. For starters, Emily doesn't put up near the amount of resistance she should. That's not to say she's a pushover. Harry does have to work a little bit but he should have to work a lot. I honestly don't think she would've agreed to meet him the second time at all so the goal of the whole script should've been to get her to the club. That said, I think the whole story would've worked way better if Harry knew he was going to die (which he should) and used the time he had to pay his last respects to Emily, not to get her back. Way more dramatic and even more romantic that way. He'd also come off more heroic in the end if he weren't trying to appease the guy. He should've just got in the car and told him straight up he didn't have the money. Finally, for nitpicks' sake, Emily sure as hell ain't gonna kiss Harry when he's covered in smelly toilet water.

Good effort. Could've been better.

A public bathroom is bad enough, but to add a dirty toilet with "all the trimmings"....Yikes! This was alright, but seems like it came out of a can labeled "Gangster Plot."  It's fine to revisit familiar themes (Gangster threatening to collect a debt) but it has to rise above the stereotypes and show it from a different or unique perspective. Maybe Emily (who wouldn't have wanted to kiss him had she known where his face had been) had no idea he had a gambling problem. Maybe he was a pastor at a local church, leading a double life. Maybe she was the head of the PTA and a respected leader in the community, who would rather die than have her lowlife husband destroy her reputation. But, no.  I'd imagine this is one of the regulars who, Friday at 6 pm decided they would try to whip something up to beat the deadline.

A few typos in this one, nothing major since it was written in a week.

The song was implimented pretty well here. I didn't get a comedy vibe out of this at all... Maybe you were trying to get a laugh by having Harry still Alex's mom's flowers, but it kinda just made him look like a jerk..

There was definitely drama, and a little romance

Then... Boom. The guys a goner.

Not one of my favs so far... Needs some work.

James

Hey Jordan,

I think you did well for a OWC.

You definately had the comedy, the romance, and you wrote the lyrics all within the one week.

Like the others, I have to say that I didn't like the ending.

If you want to keep the gangsters in there, here's a suggestion:  maybe the guy's girlfriend saw him buy a lottery ticket and that's why she left him, and then the gangsters came after him at the end wanting their money, and a TV in a window started calling out his winning numbers. ???

Or something like that....

Some way that way he wouldn't have to die at the end, and you could still keep the gangsters in there.

I enjoyed the read though. :)

Cindy

Thanks for the reads everyone, I know most hated the ending....but I wanted that ending....lol, guess i'm a bit off the mark, but oh well, the ending is the one thing i would never change.  thanks again everyone, lots of good scripts for this challenge, i think everybody did a great job on such a touch challenge. :)