Tom and Jake by Gary D. Rademan (grademan) (D. Hunter)  Short, Romantic Dramedy w/ music - Tom and Jake go hunting together. Man gets man in this playful romp about man love. Don't miss Tom and Jake sing The Ballad of Deer Camp. (Warning: Some professional sportsmen may object to the portrayal of hunters as gay. They aren't all that lucky.) - pdf, format 8)

Um yeah, hmmm... the logline of this looked great and I was looking forward to it.
But the idea fell rather flat.
It has the potential to be very funny and witty but wasn't handled that well.
A re-write could perk it up. Format was good though.

That was like Brokeback Mountain meets Deliverence.  It was sorta weird.  Talky without learning anything about either character.  Not sure I caught any drama?  Even in comedy you want to create characters we can root for or sympathize with or maybe even relate to.  In the end I think this is missing a few key elements.

I totally agree with Stevie. I didn't find it funny, though a certain effort. Humor is deja vu and I couldn't feel the "romance" between them two. The song is here but seems to appear from nowhere. Sorry...

I think I seen them boys down at th' Brokeback Trailer park. I ain't got nuthin', 'cept purty dang funny and ya'll gotta get Deer Camp, Beer camp up on th' Innernet machine.

Seriously. Stereotypes work well in this kind of comedy. It's schtick, but it works because I can't help but imagine Larry the Cable guy as one of them fellers shootin' forth the double entendre's, changin' hats and singin' like Pavorroti...Easy read and funny.

TOM AND JACK

Pros – Well written.

Cons – No character development. Does not live up to logline.

Comedy – Shtick humor. I admit to chuckling a little.

Romance – Physical attraction does not make a romance.

Lyrics – The Ballad of the Deer Hunter. Campy at best. Added on feel.

Writer – Potential. I’d like to read the story you described in the logline.

Criteria – Not met. Comedy - it's there it just ain't pretty. Romance missing. Added on feel to lyrics.

Gary

This was entertaining. Also, the lyrics fit the genre perfectly.

However, I kind of wish there was some character transformation, a twist, a change, any of that. There's little story for me. Maybe it's just me, I do like fast paced stories and this read kind of slow.

I do think  that If someone decided to do a mocumentary on Brokeback Mountain (even animated mocumentary) it would be the perfect choice. And maybe you kept mocumentary in mind when writing this? Or, maybe, it's me who sees it like this... But if I got it correct then you excelled at what you were trying to do. In my opinion, of course.

so that's what dinero was doing in mountains with john cazale...i alway thought there was something fishy going on...anyway pretty well written (except that formatting error on the bottom of page 5 when you "orphaned" a character slug)...fart jokes didn't do much for your cause...seemed more like a decent scene than a story, but some things to like...

The great thing is in all the ones I've read so far we're getting a lot of variety. I give you cred for writing something different although I don't really feel it meets the challenge. Your characters just seemed like 'guys' out on a weekend hunt - a 'boys own adventure' even if it was a little outside of the square. There was too long a lead-in for me and I didn't feel any romantic connection between the two guys. Points for creating something with a 'different' slant.

I just wish you'd been a little more courageous with it. The lyrics, (though not inspired) fit the style of the piece.

Brokeback duck blind.

Hmmmm.  

I would like to say I enjoyed that, I got a couple of chuckles from it but ultimately it wasn't really developed enough and it kind of fell flat.

First off it seemed like a skit and it wasn't that Romantic.  I have a feeling you were trying for a Lumberjack song kind of thing with the lyrics but they just weren't clever enough to be funny and they came across as harsh and puerile.

With the humour what seemed to be the problem to me was that most of the gay humour was derisive.  If you want to be humourous in a gay way then you need to embrace the concept and treat it with some respect.  It seemed to me that you picked a subject you were yourself uncomfortable with - more power to you - but that uncomfortableness shows in your writing.

And I'm not saying you should go out and have anal sex just to improve your writing but I think it wouldn't have hurt if you talked to a couple of gay guys before you wrote this.

Anyway, you get
:) >:( :o :X >:(

I wasn't too crazy about this one. The attempts at humor were decent enough but I would've preferred if the level of humor (fart jokes and gay jokes) was a bit more witty or clever. It's possible to do double entendres that are more subtle.

The whole thing seemed like its audience was people who, like the main characters, are gay hunters. The way you described all of hunting gear and use of terms was good, but I felt a bit lost as to what they were talking about. The characters weren't romantic, more like sex-crazed, and there was no drama. The lyrics to the song were fine and I actually didn't mind the whole spontaneity of it... it reminded me of the song at the end of 'The 40 Year Old Virgin.'

I don't know, it's well written but I just couldn't really get into it.

This one was pretty funny, and I  liked the song, that made me laugh, I really didn't see much drama here, this was pretty much an all out comedy, and it's not really a romance, more of a fling, but I did think it was entertaining and the song was great, but in the end i don't think it fit the challenge, still good effort on this very difficult owc.

Nothing, I can say about this that hasn't been said before...

I do like a good fart joke, but i gottas tell ya. The lovemaking seemd to come out of nowhere. Needed to start with a tender moment. I thought it would have been better if they shared a tender moment for a second, maybe they both realize the have the same dream pickup truck... Suddenly their expressions changed as they stared deep into each others eyes... And then start buttfucking like banshee's...

Anyways, no drama, or real romance...

James

OK, I'm going to try to not say the wrong thing, or in the wrong way.

No romance.  No drama.  No story.  Offensive.  Pretty well written.

This is just a skit, and it's delivered in a style of humor that I do not find remotely funny.  Check the Bruno thread if you don't understand what I'm saying here.

The music and lyrics are obviously added in only because they are part of the challenge.  When they come into play, we go into slapstick goofiness, which is odd, because the first 3 or 4 pages are played so "straight", you'd never know this kind of thing was coming.

Doesn't work at all for me.  Sorry.

Don't really know what to say because I don't know if this was a serious entry or just a pisstake. I didn't find it remotely funny. It was the sort of juvenile attempt at humor you'd expect form a 16 year old kid. Pretty much have to echo what Dreamscale said above, that it felt more like a skit and was devoid of an actual story. Not one of my favourites at all.

Cheers,
Tim.

I'm guessing the romantic obstacle is, neither knows if the other's gay, and they don't want to give away their own gayness, hence they have to talk around the subject and feel each other out. I don't think it succeeded. They never got a verbal commitment. One moment they were talking, the next they were fooling around. Maybe this is the way it goes in reality, I wouldn't know. But I never got a feeling of rising sexual tension.

Also, give us a bit more description of how a blind is laid out and how they fit in and move around each other for those of us who have no idea what it's like. What does it sound like? Is it cold, or warm and steamy? Give us a bit of atmosphere.

For the rest, the character descriptions were a bit sketchy, I didn't appreciate the humor, the song was more of a bawdy ballad, and I have to say, it's one of my least favorite entries.

It felt to me that you were trying to go out and do the nasty with this one.

And I think it was interesting from a "what if" perspective. What if
I portray these gay guys as rough hunters, who are typically not
gay material.

Kind of felt like it was done on a lark.

Sandra

My bad on this one folks.  A Friday evening entry.

This one was chuckled at by a few and (understandably so) scorned by the rest. I think the reviews by Sandra E. and M. Cornetto were spot on.

Gary

Quoted from grademan My bad on this one folks.  A Friday evening entry. This one was chuckled at by a few and (understandably so) scorned by the rest. I think the reviews by Sandra E. and M. Cornetto were spot on. Gary

I think there is a reason you wrote this. I loved how you pushed the edge. The "limits" that we understand in reality, even apparent moral limits, are given to us and I think our whole awareness might happen when we "challenge" them and get some kind of "feeling" afterwards.

It might be an "I bucked the system" feeling. Or an "I did "the right thing" feeling. But it's always some kind of calculation that resides within our own personal will. Or, what we perceive as our personal will.

Pushing the edge, is something Anne Rice did very well in "Lasher". There's a conflict of forces.

And to add a bit more:

A great quote from Spiderman Comics

It echoes words from the Bible :

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."

All obstacles, are actually blessings in disguise; they are sweetened like a bitter fruit is sweetened.

Some people might find this script revolting, but I believe within my heart, that the impure forces are necessary and good, as strange and unbelievable as that might sound.

Sandra