OWC - Please Don't Change - *

Nice script, well written.

SPOILERS*******************

Alex's reflection is a wonderful idea. It "reflects" his "illness". I loved the final twist with the double meaning. But this is not dramedy. Alex is not nice. He's sometimes moving, but he's a f****** sexist and he deserves what happened to him.

I forgot. You included the song, but it seems to come out of nowhere and completely out of the tone of the story.

Meeting the competition criteria: some comedy, some drama, and a suggestion of romance. However, one thing spoilt it for me: Alex telling Sasha he 'might' love her after 7 months of their relationship. Some will disagree...but I think you know by that point. The song came a bit out of left-field, but all in all this was better than other attempts
Characters: I actually really liked Tasha. Alex's his reflection was well-utilised, but he himself just seemed a bit...one-dimensional, and not at all likeable. Not bad, though
Dialogue: it's not the most natural-feeling dialogue in the world, but it had its moments, particularly at the end. Not great, but not disastrous, either, since I could sense a genuine attempt to express some real feelings
Story: I liked the way this played out. The two scenes running side-by-side - Alex talking to his reflection and their break-up - was handled well, and I did like the very ending. Perhaps not quite enough drama, but even so, I liked it. I also felt that Alex had changed by the end...you slotted in his progression nicely
Writing/format: pretty anonymous writing style, but perfectly functional. Hard to find much to comment about...I thought you handled the lyrics well

This seemed uneven to me. It starts our normal, then becomes a little mini musical, then goes back to being normal.

I liked when the two sang and wanted the "musical" to continue but it didn't. I know, Boo-hoo for me.

There was humor but not anything that I thought was really funny. Maybe others will? No romance.

I liked the talk about films and genres. It kept my interest so points for that.

Good use of the mirror, as said before. Um, yeah, some of the dialogue was a bit unrealistic, more two young people.

writing and formatting good. No real comedy in there but the song was ok, though sort of cliched how they sang it together. Pretty fair effort, as are all the entries!

Well written story. very interesting, characters start singing spontaniously - guess it's got to be a musical.

Talking mirror is another original touch.

congrats on making it as unique as possible.

My only complaint - all the changes in Alex are a little fast for me. Tash's final realization is a bit fast too.

PLEASE DON’T CHANGE

Pros – Premise. Clean script with white spaces.

Cons – Too much time spent with Mr. Reflection.

Comedy – Yup. Spirited.

Romance – Story is during the breakup. I never thought Alex and Tasha were in the R zone on this one except maybe while singing.

Lyrics – Finally, a duet! Felt like it was shoe horned in but I loved it anyway.

Writer – Well done! Mr. Reflection was worth the price of entry. The dual bracelets were inspired.

Criteria – Spirited comedy but not in the R zone.

Gary

Wow, a muscical sort of touch on this one... i didn't like that, not for the piece of music chosen. Definitley not a piece sorted for the overdramatic beginning of your story.

Alex was nothing short of a prick, and I can tell thats what you were shooting for. But still, to say sausage is on the menu(Implying he wants to bone her) then booting her cuz she's not up to par on film genres??? Didn't buy into it.

I'm glad he got screwed in the end.

definitely lacked some romance IMO.

James

What I like:
This is a unique piece of writing. The reflection as his alter ego is a clever and effective device to capture the inner conversation of someone struggling with a tough decision. Great character development, including the reflection.
The unexpected singing and duet kick this story into a fun and bizarre faux rock opera, which for me, was very entertaining. Nice job.

What I question:
In a romantic comedy or drama, you have to like the lovers, and Alex is detestable. So, the story falls out of the genre into some kind of middle world. More of a twisted romantic tale.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, what about the Challenge? Where' s the film director who has a great piece of music, and he needs lyrics and script to make his film.

Too many people cherry picked the Challenge and just structured a story using lyrics to redeem themselves or express their love for their significant other.

Big Lew

I didn't like your central character unfortunately. So the romantic element (which I didn't really feel) just didn't come through for me. I wouldn't want that guy the way he is - I'd want him to change - or I'd dump him, like she did.

While I think the alter-ego/reflection angle was an interesting device, I felt you story was just a little bit all over the place - like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that didn't quite gel.

The 'musical element' was quite a deft and unique touch.

As a drama it was good.

Difficult script to comment on this one.

It was an enjoyable ride. The musical interlude was comical and an emotional highpoint, yet it didn't seem to fit in wirth the seriousness of the rest of the plot.

Lots of ideas in there that all worked individually (thge reflection, the bracelets, the anger etc) just didn;t feel like a cohesive whole.

I think if I saw it as a film I would wonder what the hell it was all about.

Fun to read though. I'm sorry I can;t be more constructive.

I think there is alot of good this script, but it's just way too uneven.

It's very serious...then goes slapstick...then serious...then sad. I don't know what I'm supposed to get out of this.

The music and lyrics were very well done, and 1 of the few that I could actually place into teh tune, but, because you threw it in the way you did, as a gag or whatever, I'm not sure what to think again.

My suggestion would be to figure out what this peice is supposed to be, and stick with it throughout. Just too many different tones going on here.

Wow! A duet for a change... and in genuine musical mode too! Very thoughtful. I think a lot of people would've tried to tiptoe around musical territory, that is if the possibility even crossed their minds. The song was the best part of the script IMO. The lyrics weren't great but it stood out way more than any of the other songs I've read thus far. It didn't come off as cheesy either as is usually the case when breaking into song.

The characterization was a little weird. At times, Alex is able to analyze his situation pretty well with honesty and maturity (let's face it, the reflection is him) then at others, he acts like a five year old. These weren't the kinda anger management issues I was expecting. The popcorn was funny though. Tasha seemed to be all well and good, if a little oblivious to Alex's anger, but she did make reference to a "condition" at one point. I don't recall this ever being mentioned again. What's the deal?

The humor was a little light but it was there and mixed relatively well with the drama. Even with Alex's problems, both characters seemed pretty mellow, strangely enough. Overall, a pretty laid back piece that works relatively well.

I didn't really like the spontaneity of the song either. It could've worked if the rest of the script had a similar tone, but since the rest was so much serious I don't think it fit in that well.

I liked the dialogue between the two characters and thought it was pretty realistic for their intended ages. The reflection was a cool idea but I saw "reflection" as being an alternate reality version of Alex where everything about him is the complete opposite... he's calm, he's gay, he's rational... it works though I'm not sure whether or not that was your intent.

There's nothing wrong with having an unlikeable character (I love 'Arrested Development' but I wouldn't call any of those characters likeable) but with a romance it probably would've helped to have Tasha be just as unlikeable as Alex (think 'Bonnie and Clyde') so that we could atleast see a connection between them. The way it is right now, Alex antagonizes her, but not in a playful way, and it just makes him seem like a dick, which makes you question why Tasha would go out with him for 7 months. Maybe her "condition" may have something to do with that, but then it should've been explained in greater detail.

I actually liked this one, I just don't think you did a very good job of meeting the challenge, as far as incorporating the music and romance. Still an enjoyable read, though.

This one i liked, it went into a musical which was cool and different than anything so far in this challenge, pretty cool stuff. The bracelet's with the exact same engravings is kinda out there, i dun know what the chances are of that, but still a solid effort with the best use of music so far. good work.

Well done!

Good visuals. The story has some food for thought.

I enjoyed the reflection talking back. A perfect way to
represent a person's thoughts on screen, I think and
play with them in this kind of dialogue.

Here:

REFLECTION
What I’ve learnt from being your
reflection for many, many years
is that people in this world get
over each other’s flaws.
(beat)
They see the flaw, and move on.

This is true and whether or not a person is capable
of loving someone despite their flaws is probably
a testament to their own particular evolution.

If a more highly evolved individual is together
with someone who can't see the light of day,
then it's not going to work. It's a mutually
beneficent law of reciprocity. If the current
won't flow, then off you go.

Here, it seems that Tasha is either doing the
right thing, or the wrong thing. I'm not
completely sure. Sometimes, you have
to let people go in order that they learn
things. Perhaps, she fully intends on coming
back to be with him when he learn a few things.

The fact that I contemplate this means that
you have taken time to contemplate the
issue yourself and put it into your work here
and I see that as a really positive thing.

Craft. I believe this is a very fine example
of screenwriting craft.

Sandra

Thanks for all the reads guys, and glad most of you liked what I wrote!

I think the main concerns brought up are that it was a bit uneven, and the characters changed too fast.

Also yes, the song came out of nowhere, but I was thinking as it more as a musical. How they chat and chat and chat and BAM start singing to eachother :)

I think if I rewrote this, I would keep the basic premise... make it a bit longer... maybe take out the song... dunno...

In terms of writing this, I spent the whole week thinking about ideas, and didn't have much at all. I started writing the start of the first scene not really knowing where I was going. I then knew what they would sing about, and wrote the lyrics in literally 1 minute. I tried to rewrite them about 6 times over the next day or so, and didn't change a word. I think they are quite cliche, but I just couldn't find anything better to chuck in there.

I was falling asleep the night before it was due... with only 3 pages or so written, got the idea of the bracelets being the same, but meaning different things. Straight after that, the idea of the mirror, and Alex's reflection teaching and changing him.

It was about 2am at the time, and I knew if I didn't write it down I would forget it, so I got up and wrote for about an hour... and nearly finished it.

Then obviously finished it the day it was due, and the rest is history.

I haven't read this yet.  But I just want you to know that I hold you personally responsible for having had the song "Baby Please don't go" relentlessly running through my head for the past week.  I've just realised this is why.

EDIT:

Just read it.  Not sure I really get it.  Were you going for kind of mirror image thing there?  It made me think and that's a good thing.

I got a chuckle out of the song and I liked the stuff with the mirror.  I think if anything what I would probably criticise the most is that it tended to get a bit melodramatic.  This was mostly because of the dialogue, so I would tone that back a bit.

Good job for 5 days work.

An interesting piece that raises an important issue about relationships in an innovative way. Alex and Tasha both have their faults -- Alex gets angry over small things, and Tasha doesn't share Alex's interests. The question being, do you accept someone into your life who isn't quite perfect, or do you move on and find someone more like your ideal? Alex's argument with his reflection show his thought processes in an innovative way. It's a pity we weren't shown more of what brought Alex and Tasha together in the first place. He'll be sacrificing some good stuff in his life by losing her. It's all part of the equation.

The two interpretations of the words on the bracelet was another good point, but overall this didn't work for me. The song gets plus points for being a duet, but doesn't fit organically into the story. They just burst into song then carry on as if nothing has happened. We don't see Alex making an effort to deal with his anger issues, and conveying this to Tasha. I don't see how he can just phone her and she comes over after he's broken up with her. It was not clear what part of him the reflection represented. So, very interesting ideas, but not matched by the writing.

Thomas,

Well, the inner core of the story was nice. That notion that we should like people for what they are, and not dislike them for what they're not was good, solid ground for a romantic comedy. Tasha's ditching of Alex felt a little forced, though. It didn't feel organic to the story. I mean, she was devastated, and yet she so quickly got over him? Sure, it's maybe a consequence of young love, but it kind of undermined what had gone before.

I liked the fact you highlighted the shallowness of Alex, and this was something we saw in 'Boomerang' and 'Shallow Hal'. Also, he claimed she was unintelligent on pretty weak ground, so it said a lot about him, and how he views himself.

The duet moment definitely came across as a musical, and it worked as an independent scene but didn't fit the overall tone.

I agree that the reflection was a nice tool, and made me think 'Mr. Brooks', where they employed that tactic to good use.

Nice story, but just feels a little incomplete.

Andrew

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