Burning House of Love by Bryan Mora (brymo) (Heavy)  Short, Romantic Dramedy w/ music - First comes love, then comes marriage. But does there always have to be a wedding? Sonia’s parents seem to think so. - pdf, format 8)

BURNING HOUSE OF LOVE

Pros – Premise.

Cons – Emphasis with italics, underlined, and bolded words not needed. Overly descriptive in places. Missed capitalizations of Brad. Items that can’t be seen by camera such as character’s feelings. Longish blocks of dialogue.  Jacob was the most interesting character and would be a scene stealer compared to the other flat characters. The slug line for INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT was confusing since they talk about a new house in the descriptive lines below. The script ended in mid sentence.

Comedy – Jacob was mildly amusing as the annoying brother.

Romance – Nope. Hard to do romance when the engaged couple fights with parents.

Lyrics – Jacob sang a “love” song for Brad and Sonja and wants it to be their song.

Writer – Good effort on this difficult OWC but the cons identified took me out of the read on this one. Work on the mechanics of formatting and your story will flow much better.

Criteria – Drama. No comedy. No romance.

Gary

I have to disagree with grademan about how you met the challenge. I think the part at the beginning on the porch had a bit of romance even if the script could've used a bit more of it. The comedy could be the song, though again it could've used more. Obviously drama was there, and the song was incorporated fine (one of the few entries I've read so far to use the whole minute of the music clip).

I couldn't really get into it though. Jacob was the most interesting character and even he was a little dull. I think there's a lot of potential for humor in the dark, brooding 18-year old poet who thinks he understands the world but you didn't really take advantage of that. The rest of the characters just weren't interesting, and part of it could be how robotic the dialogue was. You have a few un-filmable descriptions too ("Brad considers, knows it’s not easy for her.").

Overall I think you came pretty close to meeting the challenge but your writing could use some work. Good luck!

Not sure about this one...it has potential but needs a massive re-jig.
The dialogue was way too unrealistic; people juts do not talk about romance and stuff like sonya and Brad did.
It was a little covenient that jacob wasn't a dweeb and just happened to have a poem/song handy.
Formatting and writing and there were elements of the challenge in there. But needs work.

I like this, it kept me scrolling. The end tho imo was anticlimactic. On the plus side, the song was one of the few that I actually liked...   'Always ripe and never gone,
I want it up to get it on'. The dialogue while the family was eating seemed real. I hate family things too.

Grademan wrote: Items that can't be seen by camera such as character's feelings.

But can't feelings Be seen in expressions or how a character carries himself? I got it. I think an actress or actor, or director would too. I know you;re told not to add things like that... but it bugs me! Why not? As long as you don't do it too often.

Jacob was the stand out character, which isn't good cuz it's not his story. It's Sonia and Brad's. And I think Jacob could be a little darker, like Dwayne in Little Miss Sunshine.

Anyway, I liked it... more than most I've read... but it's the kind of story I like so I'm bias.

Mmm, I just feel this didn't have enough of a riveting storyline to it.

Still, I think it has potential - it was a nice quirky read and some nice lines of dialogue. Also some nice 'family oriented' observations. I just didn't really get the romantic vibe - definitely drama. Loved the 'after grace' line and the image at the end - the three of them in bed -  I don't think you even need the 'tux' dialogue tacked on the end. I agree the Jacob character is the star of the show.

The lyrics were okay although they seemed to blend two styles.
As for the challenge, more romance needed.

This was OK, but that's about it, sorry to say.

Writing had some issues.  Lots of sentences with "is" and "are" as your verb.  Some passive verbiage as well.  Lots of unfilmable asides, which are a serious pet peeve of mine.

Story just wasn't quite there...close, but not quite.  Just not engaging enough...not funny, not really romantic (a little bit though), and...just not enough to make this at all memorable.

Song and lyrics didn't work for me.  Again, you defintely tried, and I appreciate that, but it's just not quite where it needs to be.

Good effort for a 1 weeker, but I'm afraid that overall, this one falls into the bottom half or so.

Quite enjoyed this one. I thought the writing was pretty good, bit flowery but I liked it.

Coupla typos here and there. Nothing too off putting.

The build up to the announcement was pretty well done. It's good work in a script to have have the characters talking about something that the audience aren't yet aware of, makes them feel like voyeurs, which essentially they are.

Surely they could just have a cheap register office do?

Anyway, fast read and quite enjoyable.

This script was okay... could have been better.

Dialogue was ordinary, storyline was simple, but worked okay except for the ending which fell flat.

I thought the lyrics were the best bit about this, they worked well and were funny.

This could be better, and could do with a rewrite as it has potential.

Hey,

I thought you did okay with this. The writing was okay in my book.

Actually everything was okay. That is also the problem. There are no real huge things to complain about. This script just falls under "ok". Very bland to be honest with you.

I thought Jacob could have been gay or maybe even better, wanting to marry his pet Iguana.... sounds crazy? I understand, but you need something in this script to be interesting, if you know what I mean. Not a bad job, just bland.

Btw, who serves appetizers after the main course is already on the table?

The lyrics were fine to me.

Good one week effort, but could be kicked up a couple of notches.  :)

I think that the subtlety of this is brilliant! I couldn't put it away. Great, great family story. I'd give it an excellent... if I could:)

And the lyrics were very good too.

Nothing to complain about, can't find anything that doesn't agree with me.

Very smart dialogue, every word counts adn makes sense.

Thank you for the read, I'm so glad I finally read it.

Very heavey dialogue early on. if you're gonna do that it needs to be better IMO.

Not much of a story here, they go to mom and dad's house, announce their engagement, bro writes a song. No twist or buildup

I did like the lyrics, though i find myself saying that to everyone. I'm no judge of them.

As far as comedy, there wasn't any. I needed more romance too. maybe that could have been accomplished with brad sticking up for her?

It wasn't an awful entry, but not a very good one either...


James

I actually really enjoyed this one.  This one ranks near the top of what I have read so far.

I loved the dialogue during the dinner scene.  I found it very realistic, while also being poignant and funny.

The build up to the announcement was written very well, as was the reaction of the overly religious parents.  I'm a pastor's kid so I definitely can relate to the entire situation.

As some have already mentioned, I found Jacob to be the scene-stealer.  While this isn't necessarily a bad thing, I think it's not ideal in a story this short.  We as readers should care more for the two main characters.

All in all, I give this script a solid 4/5.  Good work!

My main reaction was confusion. A lot of the conversations didn't make much sense. The many errors of spelling and grammar didn't help either. This wasn't a romantic story -- it was just a family confrontation, and the confrontation wasn't resolved because the parties walked out. The only interesting character was the cynical Jacob. I liked his lyrics, but there were lines left over when the music finished. Basically, this script didn't work for me at all.

This has potential.

I feel confused over Jacob's actual role in this. He seems to have this starring performance at the end, but it feels kind of tacked on.

Might want to clarify the dining room we're in. I was asking myself whose house we were in at first.

Put in some wrylies to let us know ahead that they're whispering at the table.

I didn't quite understand Sonia's motivations.

Here she says:

SONIA
Actually mom, that’s the funny
thing. We will be man and wife,
and there’ll be a kick ass
celebration-

**That IS what a wedding is, is it not?

It seems that the issue was money.

But I don't think it's made clear enough
in the dialogue.

The issue wasn't that she didn't want to
have a big wedding. The issue was that
she didn't want to GO INTO DEBT
over the wedding and she didn't
want to USE HER PARENT'S MONEY

But why? Her parents seem nice to me.
What is Sonia's problem? That's what
I wanna know.

Seems like she's a cynic.

And her own mother, botoxed or not
(which was an obvious attempt to make us
feel that rich and stuffy vibe) didn't quite
weigh heavy enough in the script if that's
what you wanted.

You need to show the parents as being
a little too overbearing perhaps rather
than just a botox line. Which does
convey the vanity, but it's not enough.

I enjoyed this dialogue here:

JACOB
Awesome show sis. It was like
the reenactment of the Titanic.
Crash and GO BOOM!

BRAD
(weary)
The Titanic didn’t go boom.

JACOB
Massive havoc, whatever.

To try and nail this critique as best as I can,
I think that this story isn't so much about romance, but
rather, it's about Sonia's character and relationship
with her parents and her relationship with life.

Something has happened to make her lose her
belief in '"the fairytale". What? What happened?

We are showed this in her portrayal, but it's
not explained and so it doesn't work in
the story.

Also, Jacob seems to have issues as well and they
are not explained or tied up.

You have a start here to something bigger I think.

If you feel so inclined, come back to this
and develop it. Maybe make it a feature.

Very solid effort!

Sandra

Jacob stole the show with his humor. When he's in the scene, there's pizazz. When he's not, there ain't. Other than that, it was flat.