Screwed by Jeff Bush (dreamscale) (Tommy Baltis)  Short, Romantic Dramedy w/ music - Tommy screwed up.  But is he really screwed? We all make mistakes, but do we really learn from them? Sometimes music can make the difference, when it's from the heart. - pdf, format 8)

I've read one of Baltis'  scripts. I really hope he didn't write this. I don't think he did.

Maybe I haven't been here long enough to appreciate this? One line says,  'The melody runs for fifty-six seconds, stops, then repeats itself'. That's almost two minutes of just music. Nothing else!

Thats enough to make me stop reading. Boring. And then there is the dialogue. It sounds like something I heard in Jr. High. Maybe others will like it? I don't. Just being honest.  

And the song sounds like you just pick the first rhyming word that popped into your head... 'I never dreamed you'd walk away...always thought that you would stay'.

I don't mind being harsh with this cuz I don't think you took it too seriously. Maybe I shouldn't either? I'll leave it at that. Yep.

big plastic tumblers
in hand.

I'm a drunk, never seen a plastic tumbler. If you can find me one please do. Bust mine all the time.

Alright, obvious spoof on baltis, i don't know the man at all my self, but there were a few funny references. These were the most ginormous dialogue paragraphs i'd ever seen. And they didn't say shit for the most part.

I get that someone was making a joke, the story completely sucked though otherwise,.. IMHO. If you're gonna spoof somebody here, at least throw in something interesting.... I still hope though, to gain that level of being worth spoofed... Where is the man baltis???

hmmm.

Okay, own up which one of the 'terrible trio' wrote this. And didn't even bother to give Baltis a cameo 'walk-on' role?

I will attempt to give this a serious review.

A bit of a rambling start. And a little bit derived ha, get it? And way way too 'talkie'.

Also, a not so subtle reference to the ‘Something about Mary’ ‘whack it’ beforehand thing happening.

After Rachel arrives - I couldn't tell when the lyrics started and finished. Was she singing along?

Anyway this was a bit of a hotchpotch - now really, wasn't it? I did not get romance from this, or for that matter anything really dramatic - and I've read better comedy (from you, whoever you are) ... really, I'm sure I have. :)

Excell-aunt-- Tey! times ten!

What I liked about his one was the style that came through.

The voice of the writer was unmistakable! T

This presentation was highly unique and was a strong showcase
of what someone with talent can do.

Good job!

I'd definitely write your name down as a writer to watch for!

**

Just reading the OTHERS' REVIEWS!

So why exactly, did I find this entertaining?

And I did!!!!

That must tell me that I'd better put the lime in the coconut and call you in the morning.

Seriously. I found this entertaining.

Silly me.

Sandra

I actually liked this one and thought it was really well written. I can see how maybe some people wouldn't like the content or the dialogue but I personally found it funny. It had romance in there, had the comedy, a bit light on the drama though.

The references to Frostbite were hilarious, particularly when Angel is describing how it will redefine the way scripts are written. Nicely done!

Even though I don't think it's meant to be taken too seriously, I still found it to be better than most of the other entries in the challenge. Have a fair idea who wrote it, but don't want to start speculating just yet...

Cheers,
Tim.

Great read here. I also think I know who wrote it.

The dialogue could be trimmed down slightly, but was funny and romantic overall.

The Frostbite bit was a bit random, but when I read this line 'The cover sheet reads "FROSTBITE by BALTIS" ' I was leaning over on my chair to pick something up from the ground, and I laughed so hard I fell off it. And it hurt. Funny stuff, sir!

What else can I say? I think that's about it. Overall solid entry, well done.

Quoted from Trojan I actually liked this one and thought it was really well written. I can see how maybe some people wouldn't like the content or the dialogue but I personally found it funny. It had romance in there, had the comedy, a bit light on the drama though. The references to Frostbite were hilarious, particularly when Angel is describing how it will redefine the way scripts are written. Nicely done! Even though I don't think it's meant to be taken too seriously, I still found it to be better than most of the other entries in the challenge. Have a fair idea who wrote it, but don't want to start speculating just yet... Cheers, Tim.

Weird. Totally Weirdd!

I know I'm off with structure, but I really wonder:

How can people be so dense as to not see something when it's "pointed out to them".

Ah well.

Anyways, you come along and give some solid input and I realize, I'm not alone.

This here is a good script, Cream of the crop? Maybe not. But I had an enjoyable read with it and I think that means a lot!--

Especially--

When you've read so many that you just can't count.

Sandra

FROSTBITE!!  YAY!
Now why didn't I think of this?  

Funny stuff here, some good lines. And some great semi porn!
Sure, there wasn't any drama (does meat in melons count as dramatic?) and the song was levered in, but hey, what the heck!

3 more to read and I've done them all!

it's OK. I have read a few here and this one does not a lot for me.

The first scene alone is 4 1/2 pages long. VERY WORDY.

That whole scene felt like a lot of filler. The flow after that was pretty good but the ending was predictible. For a OWC, this was good. The writer is experienced.

I have a good idea who it is. Over all not my favorite, but OK none the less.

Shawn.....><

SCREWED

Pros – Engaging read, J. C. Holmes reference, Baltis “Frostbite” reference.

Cons – Tommy’s wallowing a bit overdone. Bit of talking heads.

Comedy – Banter. One traditional gag where the roommate falls on the beach because he was busy watching some hotties.  Sex references were not included for shock value but because Tommy and Jackson talk this way.

Romance – More of a brooding and reflection vibe.

Lyrics – As a “love gone wrong song” overheard by his roommate who thought it was a wuss thing to do. Then as a heartfelt warbling his estranged girlfriend walked in on.

Writer – Felt that Tommy was sorry for his error. The closing scene with Angel had a dream feel to it. Nice title: Tommy is screwed because he screwed around.  

Criteria – Not quite in the R zone.

I liked this one a lot.

Gary

HaHa!  Funny stuff here, IMO.  Love the references.  I think I know who wrote this, but then again, it could be 1 of 4 or 5 people.

Only mistake I see is a dupe word in dialogue on page 6.  Writing was clean and easy to follow.  Maybe a bit talky, but I found the dialogue quite funny and engaging.

Story actually worked for me.  Reminded me of "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" and "Heartbreak Kid".  I see some romance, lots of comedy, and some serious elements thrown into the funny stuff.

Music was well integrated, and played a real part in the script.  Words were simple but made sense, and I could actually hear them over the tune, which is alot more than I can say for most.  Also liked how Angel spoke some of the lyrics, she just heard Tommy singing.

Liked this one alot, and felt it met the requirements very well.

Would have liked to see Baltis in a cameo as well!

Finally, a Bromance!

I liked it. A lot. Very unique in the overall scope of the submissions.

In character with Tommy or Jackson, maybe a little too much “dick swinging and manning-up, bro,” but not so much to sidetrack the story structure, clever dialog, on-purpose clichéd lyrics, and end-of-story reversal. (Jackson, you porn-drunk mothertrucker).

There's just one stretch for me:  based on the never-forgotten lessons of my long life, and I have to be the oldest dog in the yard, no woman (no woman!!!) voluntarily returns to the scene of the betrayal the next day with a forgiving hug and smile as the champion of a dickwad who wrote a great script – unless of course, they are a member of the 12-step program at SS!

But then again, for me, that’s the wicked humor of this funny, funny, funny got-screwed-by-his-best-friend bromantic comedy with a return visit from an Angel.

Freakin’-Aaaaa!

A P.S. to the writer of this script:

Just so you don't think I'm from another planet, the Board automatically changed a semi-profanity my sentence, "...the chamion of a (blank)...to..."the champion of a lilly."  Which is fine, but required an explanation.

I'm in two minds about this one.  

I didn't really find it funny - though I could see it was trying to be.

The dialogue wasn't bad - nor was the story.  I didn't really feel the romance though and I was completely expecting the ending, so it was kind of a let down to see it end exactly how I expected.  You should try tweaking that so you don't foreshadow it as much.

In parts I did think the dialogue rambled on a bit and that could probably be trimmed.

But for a week it wasn't bad.

You get:
:) :) ;) :-/ :)

I loved this one! I smiled almost the whole way through.

The references to Balt and Frostbite was especially funny. "Did he show it to her?" LOL

I thought the dialogue was great although I think Tommy (LOL) and Jackson spoke a little too much alike. A couple of instances where their dialogue right after each other ended with "You know" for example. I know sometimes friends speak very much the same. but... I do think you need to add some visuals to this. It's mostly dialogue driven. The thing about falling down into the sand but keeping the drink safe was a great way of adding that to the dialogue. It was funny and worked. You need to do a little more of that just to break up the talkie stuff.

The lyrics were fine to me. Not great, but sufficient.

I loved the ending!

My only suggestion would be to make Angel less perfect. Tommy seems to have it all already. Why not make him a nicer guy by having his girlfriend have some sort of physical flaw.

Great work. :)

The time thing hurts a bit. 53 seconds and 16 seconds. Tommy should be doing something for a page, either that, or ditch the 53 and 16 seconds and start the scene with Tommy singing. Nothing worse than listening to music for a minute with nothing else going on. That’s 25 to 33% of a complete song.

Guzzle and swig.

Middle of the road guy talk. So not blowing my dress up.

Funny on page 10, though… re: Frostbite.

This is one of the weaker entries, IMO.  For a twelve page script, virtually nothing happens.  There's no story whatsoever.  Just two guys talking about stuff that happened, rather than letting the story unfold for the reader.  This script has got to be the new F-bomb king.  Not that I mind.  A couple of lines were decent.  But after about three pages, the charm wears off quick.  The story just bogs down and goes nowhere.  

The song was incorporated into the story, so there is that.  But, I didn't care enough about Tommy or Angel so the romance  just wasn't there.

Overall, this script just felt like an unfunny injoke.  Sorry.

formatted flawlessly (save pg.  8...I'd walk (a)way either)...other than that two unsympathetic characters...should appeal to the "playboy under the mattress" crowd...not me...pass

"Any good? It's f-ing great! It's the best damn script I've ever read. It's flawless. It will completely redefine the way scripts are written and judged. It gave me goose bumps." Unfortunately, it wasn't this script.

My favorite episode of Spongebob is Sailor Talk, where Spongebob and Patrick find a swear word scrawled on the Krusty Krab dumpster, "the voice of the people." They proceed to sprinkle these "sentence enhancers" in every situation and comic hilarity ensues.

In this case, the excessive amounts of F's and MF's result in little more than vocal static and gets a bit distracting, so that when a curse word is appropriate "I never dreamed you'd cheat on me...with a f'ing stripper?", it loses any impact.

Had some funny moments, mainly due to the over the topness of the actual script mechanics, rather than the characters, situations or dialogue. (The viewer would never see the description of INSANELY CHESTED GIRL #1, although the fact that an insanely chested girl was boobin- er, bobbing, up on the screen, they really would'nt care.)

This was more of an anti-romance. There was far too much talk and not enough action. I thought the profanity was out of place. Too many names were mentioned. First Angel tells Baltis tells Crystal tells Jessica tells Jackson, then Angel tells Jessica tells Crystal tells... Do we have to know all this if it's not important? It distracts our attention from the story. Another distracting element was Baltis's script. I think the writer should have said, "And now we pause for a commercial break," because that's what it was. Basically, there was no romance and very little comedy. The lyrics were appropriate and well integrated into the script but I couldn't make them fit the music. My personal reaction was, I didn't like the characters, I didn't like the story, and I didn't like the script.

I suspect this was more an exercise in writing macho dialog than a serious competition entry.

Knowing who wrote this, I'm not surprised at the length of Tommy and Jackson's banter. It was funny at first but because it kept going and going it evetually got stale. It was needed for exposition, yes, but it could be trimmed a bit to make room for a little more crisis. This is actually a very common problem with the OWC scripts - spending too much time on act one.

Overall, I though it had its moments - there were some funny one-liners here plus the whole Frostbite thing, which I though was hilarious - but it lacked crisis. Angel seems overly-forgiving, I mean, she had just caught Tommy banging another broad and she asks him if he wants her to stay? Come on, brother.

The end would have been good - if it wasn't so predictable, I mean, you telegraphed it on page 6/7. Don't get me wrong, it was the right ending but you could just see it coming a mile away.

Cheers
Rob

This was decent. Unlike a few of the other scripts, it was very consistent. Humorous all the way through. Not my particular kinda humor. I love the dirty stuff but this just felt a little too standard for my tastes. Not bad though and like I said, consistent. The humor never felt forced and usually came from the characters themselves. The Frostbite stuff sorta went over my head. I get the buzz surrounding it on the boards but it just never seemed like a big deal to me. The script #747 from a couple years back had a much more epic buzz going on (most of the veterans know what I'm talking about). Anyway, comedy's not the issue. Neither is romance. The song is cheesy but feels heartfelt enough. I don't understand why this guy's so weepy though. He mentions not fucking around on Angel in the middle of the script so it doesn't seem like they've broken up for good. Just going through a rough patch. Maybe it's a little distraught but he still seems to be blowing this thing out of proportion. Still, weepy, brokenhearted and writing love songs = romantic, at least going by the loosest and most generally applied standards. I suppose drama is the issue here. Felt strangely absent. No particularly serious moments in sight. The ending was funny. I think everyone knew what was coming but in a good way. Screwed indeed.

So as far as the challenge goes, 2/3. The song's not bad either and doesn't feel tacked on so more like 3/4. Anyway, not a bad effort. Well written and generally entertaining.

Thanks to all who read this.  It seems like readers either got it and enjoyed it, or didn’t get it, and hated it.  Probably had a lot to do with the dialogue and sexual references that sent some running back to Mommy.

Well, here’s the skinny on how it went down.  As many of you know, I’ve been going through a big move.  I lost my home to a Foreclosure auction on Wednesday, 8/19.  I found this out the following day, and was told I had to vacate the premises by Saturday, 8/22.  They finally agreed to give me until Wednesday afternoon, 8/26.  So, suffice to say, I was seriously scrambling.

I listened to the music when I got home from a reunion party, late Friday night.  I played that snippet many, many times, over the next few days, whenever I got a chance.  I finally figured out a workable “tune” within, and started thinking about lyrics, which I sung in my head and even out loud to those unlucky enough to be within earshot.  I lost my internet connection Wednesday morning the 26th, and didn’t get back up and running until Thursday evening the 27th.

I spent Friday, the 28th, thinking about a possible story that would revolve around my cheesy and simple lyrics.  Started writing Friday late afternoon, right as I started drinking.  Things flowed pretty well, and I was happy with where things were going and how they were looking.  A few hours later, and I was hammered, with about 5 more pages to go.  I finished it up about 2 hours before the deadline and then gave it a few proof reads, and realized I was too wasted to figure out how to submit it!  Unreal.  A few here helped me, and I got it in with about 30 minutes to spare.

Those who said I didn’t take this seriously are completely incorrect.  I did everything in my power to get this entered and gave it my all.  It was a very tough week, and there was an awful lot on my mind.

I am actually very happy with the finished product.  If I was going to do a rewrite, I would take out some dialogue here and there, and add in an action scene of some type, probably in the ocean.  I realize it is too talky and some of the back and forth was obviously rushed.

The song and lyrics came out nicely though.  I know how hard it is to “hear” someone else’s lyrics over the music.  There was only 1 other script that I could even remotely fit the lyrics in on.  I actually love how mine fit and it makes a really cool song, but I know no one got it, or could hear it.  As someone correctly pointed out, the song is played twice, with completely different results.  Tommy sings the song at the beginning, because he’s heartbroken and realizes what an ass he’s been.  Jackson walks in and hears him and begins mocking him about what a wuss he is.  When he sings it again at the end, Angel walks in and hears how emotional and sincere he is.  Too bad old Jackson fucks things up again, by bringing the Insanely Chested Girls over.

Although this was obviously meant to be funny and over the top, it was also meant to be serious and even dramatic in places.  Tommy’s tears are serious, as is his sorrow for what he’s done and what happened because of it.  Some said there isn’t a story here, but there actually is.  It may be a simple story, but it’s there…boy screws stripper, boy loses girlfriend, A-Hole friend consoles boy, boy gets girl back, A-Hole friend brings Insanely Chested Girls over, girlfriend leaves.  The classic nursery rhyme, we all know and love so much!

Obviously not for everyone. It was a fun and difficult challenge.  I really wanted to have the music and lyrics be center stage here, and not simply tacked on at the end, or playing in the background.  That’s why I bookended the story with it…at the beginning, and at the end.

Thanks again for the reads and comments.

I thought this script just dragged on and on.  The conversation between Tommy and Jackson sounded like 2 twelve year olds trying to see who could get the last word in.  And they sounded like 12 year olds, especially Jackson.

The dialog seemed too on-the-nose for me, especially Angel's.  Her forgiving Tommy seemed very artificial to me.


Phil

thanks for your comments on my short Remembrance, Jeff, and as promised, here is my feedback on yours.

It would be pointless making any comment on the formatting - as might be expected, it is pretty near flawless. I could see no typos or errors of this kind.

The story is a slightly different matter. My big problem is that these people mean nothing to me - I feel no connection with them. Who are they? What do they do? We are told Tommy is rich - and I am assuming from the music that he is a songwriter or musician of some kind. But none of this is really clear from the story.

Neither of the principle characters are likeable or particularly interesting - and nothing of any real depth occurs here. Tommy has been caught with a stripper, his girlfriend has walked out, his best friend comes round and ... well, that is about it.

And we find out that it only happened yesterday as well. I must say I had to reread this bit because it caught me off guard. He is caught with a stripper the day before, and he friend comes round to see if he is OK - apparently because Tommy's cellphone is off and he thinks he needs to check out the situation.

And Angel, the girlfriend, comes back. Just one day after finding her boyfriend with a stripper. This just seemed unbelievable to me - the whole time frame seemed far to compressed. And, just 24 hours after the event, she acts as if it wasn't that big a deal!

And then there is all this business with the screenplay. From what I can make out from the above posts, this is intended as a in-joke. But what about the casual reader? It serves no purpose - it's a sort of undramatic McGuffin! It's mentioned and finally appears, but to what end? It doesn't progress the story, or have any bearing on the outcome of the script.

The mild twist is obvious as soon as Angel comes back - so can hardly be described as a twist. It was, along with a couple of lines here and there, mildly amusing.

The song element was, at least, part of the actual story - as may have been apparent from some of the other comments I have posted regarding OWC entries, I feel that the proper stories in the competition include the song as a plot point, rather than just tacking it on as an after thought. So the inclusion of the song as an actual development of the story narrative was welcome.

This is way shorter than the comprehensive review you gave Remembrance, I know, but I am not sure that I can say much else on this.

Simon, thanks for the read and comments,  Sorry it didn't work for you.

What the vast majority of people are missing here is that this is a comedy, and is not to taken seriously.  I call it romantic comedy, but, sure, it's a bit light on the actual "romance".  The romance element is more implied.

The fact that Angel comes back, is again, not to be taken in a serious way.  It's comedy, and in comedies, this sort of shit always works out way easier than it ever really would.

As I said earlier, I wrote this in a few hours, and because of that, much of the dialogue needs work and was rushed.  There are several lines I would take out, that don't go anywhere.  I would also like to add an action scene in the ocean that would have some funny visuals, as well as some funny banter between Tommy and Jackson.

Guess it's just not working the way it was intended.  Oh well, I'll move on...

Thanks again.

Has a bit of a two and a half men vibe to it with the two male characters. One a complete masoginist and the other more grounded. I liked it overall, there were some funny one liners in it. And I actually wanted the girl to take him back, he did seem genuinely sorry. Couldnt of shortened the first scene though and lengthened the finale. Good stuff though, I liked it.
http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/dontleavemealone.doc

Jeff

Whoa, this tread has taken off on a sinister little tangent it seems...anyway, the script.

Like someone said above, your critique is second to none and love or hate, disagree or agree, you're always honest and state exactly how you feel. What more an active member subscribing to this site want? It’s exactly what I look for anyway and the reason why this site is so invaluable to all us in the know. I too try to maintain that integrity of honesty in my own reviews (albeit not near as meticulously detailed and insightful) and here will be no different.

Firstly, I think these OWC entries should be analysed with a couple of things in mind. 1. They are written under an extremely restrictive time bracket 2. They must adhere to a specific theme or genre. 3. Must be a certain page length. Now I’m not saying people should go easy on them and wantonly ignore glaring errors and inconsistencies but one must realise that aspects such as feasibility of plot and character, quality of structure, fully realised payoff may be questionable under close scrutiny. On a technical note, certain spelling and grammatical errors should also be treated with a fair degree of understanding. Unresolved loose ends, arbitrary characters delivering a couple of good lines unrelated to the plot before disappearing, unevenness of scenes or distinct lack of character background, etc will be detected but such is the nature of an exercise as this. They appear more a sketches, sometimes skits on the given subject and I feel they should be judged this way. A script bound by the prescribed stipulations, written against the clock akin to a test (or in this case a challenge) is not an easy task. Creativity is required of course (maybe that’s why I never enter) but it needs to be channelled in the different way, the thought process ( I can imagine) is more directed and focused to a certain point rather than the free reign creativity we’re afforded when we sit down to pen a new script at our own leisure. Again, I’ll reiterate, that reviewers should not be soft, instead, what  I’m saying is comments ought to be approached with these factors in mind and posts should reflect that accordingly. Unless you’ve got a killer script you’ve spent time developing, sitting there, that coincidentally ticks all the boxes in the chosen challenge, one, I feel, in my opinion, must approach these reviews with that in mind.

I've only read a couple of comments, yep, pretty divisive as you said on the PM. Here are my two cents for what they're worth.

Funny that you should write “from the heart” in your logline as I’m currently listening to the Tom Waits and Crystal Gayle soundtrack from Coppola’s film “One from the Heart”

Ha, Tommy Baltis as author, I like it (For some reason I always imagined it to be Michael but Tommy can work...ok we’re going with Tommy). Kind of gives away the identity of the writer though as you have repeatedly publicized your growing anticipation/impatience for Baltis’s much self promoted “Frostbite”.

Like anything I’ve read from you (Fade To White and the OWC entry of yours, the name of it escapes me now) the writing from a technical perspective is flawless. You are an advocate of such technical proficiency and writing things the correct way and to your credit, you practice what you preach. The descriptive is practical, tight and informative, never dwelling on unnecessary details to serve your own interests and fetishes instead serving the story and the readers experience.

I really enjoyed the opening the exchange between Jackson and Tommy, the dialogue was very sharp and witty. It might take up 4 of the 11 pages but in relation to my earlier babble on reviewing OWC entries it’s perfectly fine here given the nature of the scripts and what it’s attempting to achieve. I mean, you got the song in there, the romantic element and through the rapport and wisecracks between the two ball breakers an undertone of sneering humour.  

In a standalone script you could fault it for being too long, ponderous, possibly self indulgent but not here as it’s obeying the parameters administered for the challenge.

Some good passages there too. The song was hilarious for its cheesy, over simplified and direct verse I loved how Jackson came in straight away and staring mocking him over it, the Barry Manilow analogy was spot on. Straight off we understand that you know they are pathetic too as I was worried you were being serious about them as an actual genuine song.

TOMMY
Mr. Experience talking, huh? Yeah,
right. I seem to remember last year
when Mary caught you banging that
pig, you were a fucking little pussy
whipped bitch for three weeks...didn't
even leave your house! How much
weight did you lose in tears alone? -- Great put down, we learn everything we need to know about the seemingly cocksure Jackson after that revealing comeback. Although, it doesn’t deter him from continuing his assault of smart assed remarks on Tommy, Makes him an all the more likeable character because of that trait though.

TOMMY
From Baltis? What the fuck? Where'd
that loser hear it from?

-- Oooh, a wafer thinned veiled exposition of the author’s personal inclinations. Am I an asshole for laughing when I read it?

“ Angel did, dumbass. She saw her license plate...T-B-L-D-N-C-R.” -- Maybe I’m slow, but how does this number plate tell us she was a stripper?

JACKSON
And I told 'em you were good looking,
rich, and hung like the second coming
of John C. Holmes.

-- A reference to the great J Holmes is always welcomed in my books, kudos.

"She holds out the papers to Tommy. The cover sheet reads
"FROSTBITE by BALTIS"."

-- Ha, there it is as, great how you worked it in. My hyper-saturated testosterone brain was of course entertaining the notion you might be referring to something else when talking about how Baltis was going to show her something. And props too for swallowing it and “bigging” the script up for your buddy Michae—-, I mean, Tommy Baltis. Offering your own bit of promoting and marketing (free of charge) towards the perennially delayed, “Chinese Democracy” of unproduced screenplays.

What did you envisage Tommy doing for a living that has made him so wealthy? I was thinking film producer since he and Angel talk about reading the script.

“Jackson enters with two insanely chested GIRLS” -- I loved the “insanely chested” description.

Decent ending, it was inevitable as day follows night but was handled well. What does it say about Angel that she would be swooned by those mawkish lyrics and take the little bastard back literally the day after he cheated on her...and apparently with a stripper of all things... after his supposed fortune maybe.
Wouldn’t Tommy have thought of Jackson and two broads coming and cancelled the gig? Who knows, maybe since he was so swept away by getting back with his woman, he forgot, definitely possible.

I can definitely say I enjoyed the read. It made me chuckle a number of times and as I already said, I dug the back and forth banter between the two leads. Regardless of the chunks of dialogue (often frowned upon) I didn’t find it a slow read, it maintained a flow and fluency which made it quite the contrary. The pages flew by and the uncomplicated, structured flavour of the piece held my interest to the end.

On the negative side, for all my lauding of Jackson and Tommy’s dialogue I felt it did get a little overkill during the middle section, possibly a tad overdone. Also Tommy, I wasn’t on his side, nor did I feel sorry for him, you certainly blew Vonnegut’s first rule of writing (have a likeable protagonist) out of the water there. Jackson made up for him though, I was nodding my head in agreement anytime he put his lovesick friend in his place with a snide remark. That Tommy dude, was rich, a cheater and still bitched and moaned. I wasn’t sympathetic towards his standpoint and self pity which I’m sure now, in hindsight, was your intention as he ends up getting foiled at the end. The fact that it was Jackson’s fault makes it all the sweeter, it got a cheer from me. I , for one, did not want Tommy getting his girl back, call me bitter but fu?k him, he got what was coming to him.

But knowing you, this was the exact kind of reaction you wanted to evoke in the reader and if it is, you succeeded with flying colours.

Overall, a good job, Jeff, it had its thin, one dimensional characters, overlong scenes, gratuitous dialogue but hey, that’s what the constraints of time, length and subject does to a writer, I can only have nightmares about what incoherent trash I would conjure up if I took a stab at it. So like any entries I ever read on these OWC threads I totally applaud the effort and appreciate what you done with this.

Personally, I don’t understand the harsh criticisms directed towards this as a script. Methinks, you’ve pissed in one too many bowls of porridge with your reviews in the past for some folks, which is a shame. In a perfect world there wouldn’t be such forces as grudges or personal grievances only writing being judged on...the writing, and nothing more.

However, it’s pretty obvious who wrote this after reading through the script so you probably expected some “you criticised me so I’ll criticise you no matter what” tinged backlash, oh well, so it goes.

Anyway I liked it and glad I got to read it. I laughed, sneered, nodded and grimaced at different junctures throughout the piece although more of the former than the latter.

Good work, Jeff.

Col.  

Thanks for the read and comments, Stiffler.  You're right, the opening scene goes on a bit too long.  Some of the banter could easily be lost. It was rushed for sure.

I'll try and give your scipt a look when I get some time.

Hey Col, thanks so much for this nice, double post review.  Love it!

Yeah, not sure what happened exactly to cause the sinister tangent on this thread, but you’re probably right in what you suspect.  It is surprising how some people let their emotions run off and cause them to act so juvenile and downright mean.  Oh well, shit happens as they say, right?

Thank you for your kind words on my reviews.  I do my best to offer criticisms and suggestions in a constructive way, and it’s always meant to help…not hut or put down.  I definitely call it as I see it, and that’s the way I’m always going to be.  You are the same way and I always appreciate reading your thoughts and reviews as well.  You have a way with words and are a very talented writer, so your thoughts mean a lot to me.

I also agree with he way you approach these OWC reads.  Like ‘em or hate ‘em, everyone needs to understand that a lot goes into these in terms of effort and thought.  For me personally, writing on a subject that I have little or no interest on, is difficult.  I’m also not much for time crunches and deadlines, but we do what we have to do, when we have to do it.

I really didn’t want to give away my identity here, and thought that there were a number of writers who might have written something involving an SS in-joke.  I even thought that some may think someone else was trying to write on a subject like this to throw their identity off.  Who knows, maybe it just reeked of “me”.  Hard to say.  For me personally, I have a lot of trouble figuring out who wrote what, but maybe others can tell.

Thank you for the compliments. I always do try and practice what I preach, and I definitely try and hold everyone accountable to the same standards under which I try to write.

I think the intro is a bit long and if I did a rewrite, I would knock it down a bit as well as add a few more visuals.  The banter, characterization, and song is the key though in this first scene.  It was very important for me to get the song in early, and have it be an actual plot point.  I based everything around the song and lyrics.

Glad the humor worked for you here, early on.  These guys are great friends and this is how they communicate with each other.  Although they’re busting each others nuts continuously, they don’t mean any harm by it. It’s just the way they are.

I wasn’t really trying to say anything negative about Balt…just joking around.

T-B-L-D-N-C-R. – stands for “Table Dancer”…as in a stripper gives “table dances” for a living.

Yeah, I was laughing about the John C. Holmes plug.  That dude always cracked me up.  If he wasn’t a porn legend, he could have been a comedy legend with his demeanor and delivery of cheesy lines.  Pure classic!

Yes, you are correct, I tried to play it out as long as I could as to what Balt had “shown” her…even using the phrase, “whipped it out”.  Funny.

I didn’t really have the time (or maybe I just didn’t care) to worry about what these characters did for a living.  But you’re definitely right…they do something with movies and scripts, and they are all wealthy and spoiled.

My personal favorite was the “insanely chested girls” reference.  I was laughing so hard over that.  I was a bit tanked at that point, and I think I actually had to stop writing when that description popped up.  As someone else correctly noted though, those words will only be funny in the written stage, as they can’t transfer to film, but the visual sure does, and it’s a nice visual at that.

Many have had the same issue that Angel would never accept the apology that easily, but I’ve tried to point out again and again that this is a comedy and this shit happens all the time in rom coms.  Over the top, sure, but it served the story and I actually came up with the ending at the very end, and rewrote the part about the insanely chested girls for that reason alone.

Yes, Tommy forgot about Jackson’s plans.  Could have been the booze as well as his Angel back in his life.

Cool, glad you liked it and it read quickly. Others have said they thought it dragged and was dull and slow.  I have to agree with you here!

You’re definitely right…the middle section is definitely the weakness, IMO.  That’s what I would change in a rewrite. I would add some action and sight gags in the ocean with Tommy and Jackson.  The dialogue is weakest here as well, and I see many lines that should be axed.

I actually wanted people to like and be able to relate to Tommy. He made a mistake and he was genuinely sorry.  I didn’t play this up enough and would in a rewrite.  It was a time issue and I agree with you that as it stands now, it’s tough to see him for who he really is.  But, remember, the situation with the stripper is only discussed in a he said, she said type way.  We really don’t know the details.  Tommy does say that it was a 1 time thing and he knows he fucked up.

I agree with you on the backlash.  At worst, I thought people would say it was a bit light in drama, but I didn’t think it would piss people off the way it seems to.  I guess I just have that ability.

Thanks again, Col.  Your thoughts and insight is always appreciated.  Take care.

Jeff,

My schedule precluded me from entering/participating in this OWC, which was a great shame, but it is still my intention to offer my views on the scripts.

This wasn't bad, but it kind of just meandered, and felt more like a story to read as opposed to a story I can visualise. Dialogue-driven scripts/movies are my thing, but of course, it all hinges on said dialogue being engaging and focused. Your characters came off as caricatured '90s American Pie-types. Did you ever read that script? It's actually a superbly written script, which - if one can eject the smutty content and snobbery - captures not only the difficulties inherent in being 18 and a virgin, it also captured the era. To me, it was a slightly more boisterous version of the '80s classic 'Risky Business'. Anyway, I digress.

The main problem with this script is that it does feel rushed, and the constant Baltis references appear as a fiening for SS in-jokes. On that basis, it would seem you didn't take it too seriously. That kind of reflects in the quality of the output. I always comment on the message, 'cos, to me, a story must either have a message that resonates, and in lieu of that, it should just flat-out entertain. This just wasn't my idea of either.

Decent script, but I feel like you are capable of much more. Hopefully my views here come across in the good-natured spirit they're intended.

Andrew

Hey Andrew, I really miss that hobbit avatar!  Please bring it back.

No worries, bud.  Your comments are always appreciated.

What can I say, I'm a meandering type of guy.  You and I seem to be on different pages much of the time, and there's nothing wrong with that.  You loved Ingloroious Basterds and thought it was near flawless, and I thought it was dull, slow, and hugely bloated.  Different strokes, my brother.

You're definitely correct, this was hugely rushed, but I'm actually happy with it overall.  The middle needs a rewrite, dialogue needs to be taken out, and some action needs to be infused in the middle.  I think it's pretty funny though, although based on reviews, that is up in the air.

Loved the original American Pie, BTW.  Some really funny stuff there, but alot had to do with the actors that did the work, IMO.  I didn't read the script.  Risky Business was also quite good.  So we actually can agree on a few things!

Thanks for the read and comments.  Hope your schedule calms down a bit.  Take care.

I can't say I've ever gotten into the OWC stuff too much... I will read them, the ones that stand out to me, but rarely will I comment on them. I think they're good to have and keep you moving along and thinking open and freely, but it's just not something I myself set out to take part in.  Then again, I'm the same guy who's been known to hold on to material for far too long. ;)

I also think the OWC is a benefit for writers who want to really get in and have a go at the industry... I equate it to working on a deadline. So, I won't fault the vast majority and quality of scripts I've read out of the OWC for that reason and fact.

It's been a few months since I've been around... Maybe 3 or four?? I can't remember, I've been super busy the last few months with my band and gettin' ready for the baby to focus on writing... So, I'm glad that when I decide to get back into it I've got a script to read that keeps the burner under my feet and doesn't let me forget what I need to deliver on.

Which brings me to "Screwed"

Formatting, for the greater half of 99.9% was flawless. I saw a line on page 8 that needed to be separated from the dialogue, but other than that -- spot on.

I missed out on the big mystery of who wrote it part, which I wish I didn't. I'm guessing it was suppose to be an anonymous entry thing?? Either way, would've seen right thru Jeff in an instant here. Which is for format, pot shots and dialouge that tends to go on a tinge too much without anything happening of importance.  Now, don't get me wrong... I like dialogue between characters. I like those long sessions that seemingly don't have anything but placement in the story to do with the story. But in between something has to happen to make it relevant again.

Not a lot went down, but you know what... I don't think a lot needed to go down. The story was set up to seemingly from the get go, so we're already where we need to be for this one. Everything else was keeping us there. Keeping us reading. So, for all the marks against how it drug on... I think, in the context, we should all analyze these instances in scripts a bit more. Maybe a script goes on far too long sometimes, but just maybe it's suppose to be that way. Know what I mean? I think thinking the opposite of this theory is why Hollywood hasn't produced a single good movie this year or last.

In the end, I found it entertaining... I loved the "Frost Bite" bit. I think that keeping the script away from the shifting eye has been great fun for the jabs and ribs it's given me on this site. I love how some of you go out and make shorts centered around the notion of "Frost Bite"  I think it's all tops, guys.  I just know when the script is posted and you all finally get a chance to read it there will always be that gold standard I set for myself that will open me back up for even more parody... So, for that, I'm gonna have to cut ties with it sooner or later.

The only thing here is I've become the backbone of your story and not just a subplot. I think that's the weakest link in its armor. Everything is funnier at a glance... If you watch enough of the same stand up, he's not funny anymore. Same with the constant jabs. You have to make them relevant in the end. I find them funny because it's personally close to home. But what you have to ask is, will everyone else? Will they care or even know what it's all about?

Good writing. Good dialouge -- Loved the song writing bit.  Fast set up. But as any long road trip tells us... It's not the start or the end that drags. It's the middle.

Glad to be back guys~

Good to hear from you again Balt The crew were worried about you!

And you make some good points, not just about Jeff's short but scripts overall.

Hey Balt!  Welcome back, brother!  Thanks for the read and comments...totally appreciate it.

I agree with everything you've said here, including the potshot at Hollywood.  I think the same way and wonder all the time why everything always has to be the same old, boring-ass, cliche ridden garbage.  One of these days...things will change...I'm gonna see to it!  Well, I sure hope so at least.

Didn't see the mistake you referenced on page 8, so I'm not sure what you're refering to, but I wrote this pretty much in 1 sitting, as the clock was ticking, and the vodka and Jagie was flowing.

You're spot on with your analysis.  Not much goes on, but like you said, not much was supposed to.  Wanted to wrap the story within the music, throw out a bunch of lude jokes, and include you and Frostbite.  You're right that anyone who doesn't know the Frostbite history, will wonder WTF is going on, and won't get it, but I don't really care, as it was just for fun.

Also, like you said, the middle is by far the weak spot.  I think I was a bit hammered at that point, but not hammered enough to make it funny enough.  As I said earlier, if I did a rewrite, I would knock out some of the dialogue in the middle, change other parts, and add an action scene, with sight gags with Tommy and Jackson in the ocean.  I bet it would really spruce up the overall feel.

Thanks again, Balt, your words are always appreciated.  I seriously do look forward to the day when we are all graced with the ability to read Frostbite.

PS  Dude, are you roiding?  Guns look huge!  Best to you!

Ha, no... no... Not any of that. I've just been working out a lot more as of late. I use to stay in shape year round then realized how pointless it was. Now I just workout when I feel I need to look better or to have something else to do. It's easy to get back in shape once you've been in shape I always say... this is also a great way to compensate for getting fatter. ;-)

I actually use a combination of Noxplode and Black Powder and just eat 3 times a day.. Doesn't matter what. Just don't over eat.

But back to Topic --

Being October, my favorite month, I want to post something up soon so everyone can mill over it. I don't know if it's going to be a short or a feature length, though.  I have a really good mini series called "Manor Morgue Motel" that'd be fitting for the month... But I dunno??? Something will have to be posted up.

As for the script -- I went back and read it again, under the original PDF and you're right there wasn't a mistake. I was reading it in Corel Word Perfect and not Corel PDF viewer. I had my defaults set wrong.

Adding in some other instances of interaction might help it out, but this was a OWC and I wouldn't' dwell on it too much more, unless you take these characters "which you could... I found them strong enough" into their own full on script.

Anyways, I'm glad things worked out with the house situation and I look forward to reading over some work, everyone.

Baltis~

Was looking through past OWCs and found this...

The story is simple like mentioned and it really did drag a little IMO. A nice effort but I'm sure I would've liked it more if I understood the references. One thing I'd like to mention is that your dialogue is strangely similar in all your scripts/comments on SS. It was a classic "Jeff" story ;D.

Ha!  Mo...funny.  Wow, 3 years ago...damn.

My dialogue always sounds the same?  For reals?  SHIT.  MUST CHANGE DIALOGUE QUICKLY...or else you'll know which OWC is mine in a few days.

Thanks for reading, bro.  Looking forward to this coming OWC.  BRING IT!!!