Professional Criminals by Anton Bell - Comedy - Two low-level career criminals and their 19-year-old accomplice reach an impasse when one of them decides to quit their life of crime to be with the woman of his dreams. 115 pages - pdf, format 8)

148 pages? That's the first reason I don't want to read it.

So I open it up, and lo and behold, the first 5 pages are condoms, cum, and Clarissa.

I got a root canal appointment.

EDIT: Okay, okay, I was thinking it was the wine making me and angry drunk, so I went back and started reading again. It wasn't the wine.

So I have to ask, what is it about the pre-title-card intro that you think is worth while?

Your intro sets the tone for the whole film. What you set is not what I want to watch. There is NOTHING in there pertaining to the title nor the log line.

cloroxmartini,

The page count is something I'm looking to work down. It's one of the reasons I put the script here.

As for the first five pages, I wanted an opening scene that established who Curtis, Owen, and Peter are through a simple, everyday exchange that these characters have. I'd like to believe that it does an effective job of setting up who they are as individuals. It's a teaser scene.

I don't see the point in being rude or contemptuous like most other "critics" but I will say that, less is always more when it comes to writing. I know this is only your second draft and so I understand the high number of pages but, all in all, it was a funny script. If you really want to make it more memorable, try to cut it down to 120 maximum and think about when this film is shot. Any scenes that you like that are cut out of the final draft can always be rewritten into the shooting script once it's sold.

Adekfire, I appreciate the advice. That's a really sound solution.

Hey Anton, I have to agree with Clorox on this one. 148 pages is way too long, really you want to be aiming more for 100. You need to be really ruthless in your editing, and cut out anything that is not essential to the story. In my opinion you could cut out the first twelve pages and your script would be better for it. All of the introduction serves no purpose, it is not relevant to the story and is not interesting. It is just basically all dialogue with nothing going on. On screen, this would be boring to watch for the first ten minutes.

In a typical screenplay structure by about page 15 you want to be getting to the inciting incident. The event that sort of kicks the story into gear and sets things in motion. By page 15 in your script we are nowhere near this point. This is what I mean when I say you have to be ruthless in your editing. Focus on the story instead of trying to be funny and going for jokes.

The whole scene where they are ordering from the drive-thru, cut it! Who really cares that they are ordering food from a drive-thru? Does it advance your story? It takes up a couple pages and this is the sort of stuff you can cut to get your script closer to 100 pages. Your first twenty pages could be rewritten in five and we would still have the same information and the story would be moving faster.

Another example, when they are robbing the bank why are they talking about eggs and baking? I mean I see what you are going for but you are trying to make it funny instead of just letting the humor arise naturally. The excahnge where they go back and forth about did he or didn't he bake a cake is the same with the condom bit in the beginning. It goes on WAY too long and is neither funny nor interesting. It gets old because you are slowing down the actual story by trying to be witty and clever with the dialogue. The same as wanting the five dollar notes. No bank robber would prefer getting five dollar notes to fifties. I mean you set them up as career criminals in your logline and title, but here you make this guy seem like a moron. It feels like you are trying to make it funny again instead of making it feel REAL.

I mean your writing style is not bad and formatting and everything is fine. But you are taking too long to get to an actual story and I have already lost interest now. I am on page 20 thinking there is another 128 pages of this and it is too much, man.

You've really got to go through and rip your own work to shreads. Take out anything that isn't necessary. I have to disagree with the advice of the poster above. If you sell a spec script, that's it. They don't hire you to come in and rewrite your work so you can add the stuff you took out in the first place. They hire other pro writers to come in and write subsequent drafts. And those writers can change it up so much that you wouldn't even recognise your original work. So don't take out a few things thinking you can put them back in later. Take out as much as you can that doesn't belong and throw it the fuck out for good because you know it will make your script better. Get your script to its most basic core story and that will give you the best chance to sell it and have your vision of it kept intact.

Cheers,
Tim.

Tim, I greatly appreciate the advice. Some really good points there.

I'm curious to see if you do in fact finish the script what you think of it, as I too am concerned about the early portion of the film dragging on, because the story really does pick up after we meet the girl.

im on page 47 and feel like im still getting an intro so i agree with comments above.

SPOILERS** - i think the important things so far are
----they're completely comfortable in the midst of a robbery showing their pros, thats comedy within story
----kids mom doesnt know hes a crook.
--- the relationship with girlfriend
---- and the bay saying he might have something for them is probably important but i havent gotten far enough to know.
--- i think those are the only important things so far. their charachters should naturally come out.
feel like the the condom ish, the grocery store, the dunkin donuts and the talk with turner all could get cut out.
--- its all funny but i think i would be saying okay whats the point of this movie already if i was watching it.
--- i learned by reading this, that i think you have to work comedy into the plot and not work plot into funny scenes you think of.

Robin, I appreciate the response.

I've taken a lot of feedback over the past few weeks, and I've completed a major revision to this script. It's been cut down from the bloated 148 page draft I have here to a much cleaner 115 page draft. Case and point, the scene that takes place on page 47 of this draft now takes place on page 21.

I may go ahead and re-submit that draft for further feedback.

Just a quick note:

This is an updated draft of the script.