One Horse Town by Michel Duthin - Short - Theda was just at the wrong place, at the wrong time. 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Michel,

I just spotted a typo or two and thought it might be better to specify how Theda was driving the car that showed she was inexperienced. Other than that, nice idea and a really good read.

Best,

H

This had the benefit of actually being fairly interesting, but it needs work. It had a story - a bit thin maybe, but at least it had one! Believe me, you'd be surprised how many shorts are just anecdotes without any narrative drive. In this you did at least set up a situation and follow it through.

Few pointers. When we first see Theda, you would be better of specifying INT/EXT CAR, as you have it completely EXT and yet describe interior detail.

"The young woman's frail physique contrasts with the red leather seat of the huge car"

I wasn't quite sure what this meant - and Theda's frail physique does not seem to play much of a part in the story.

The scorpion necklace - I thought more would be made of it, and yet really it serves no purpose, and given the description of Cora when she appears, would seem unlikely to actually be anything to do with her. There is also the question of why it was left in the road.

If this were tightened up a bit - Theda given some background (we never get to know her or why she is on this road), maybe via flashbacks, then this might be worked up into an acceptable story - it has a perfectly descent premise at it's core at any rate.

Hi Michel, good job on the script.

I'll echo Niles' comment that this has a story, but not a fully realized one. You have a good setup of finding a necklace and a dying man, but the payoff needs to be something more. Maybe it's just me, but I found the events just happen the way they are without twists and turns. I just think there has to be something bigger given the intriguing premise.

So once again, more backstory about the characters and give more details how the necklace play a role in the story (or is it just a McGuffin?).

I like the way you write the action with separate paragraphs. It definitely gives me the tension.

Hey, Michel. Your logline is very vague (how many scripts out there could use that as a description?) but since you have written a lot of good stuff I gave this a read.

Not sure how you can show Theda driving "with inexperience". Maybe as she approaches the object she hits something with the car? Stops too abruptly? Then I have to ask myself why someone who is an inexperienced driver would be out driving by herself as well.

On page 3, "gazes" isn't a very good word to use when trying to show panic. "Glances" might be better.

The "What a coincidence!" line seems unnecessary on page 5. Her surprise should be enough to show it on screen. And you can call Cora by her name instead of Gas Station Attendant after she is introduced.

I didn't understand the ending SUPER. Is that scripture? Whether it is or not, I feel like there needs to be more. It made the whole script feel like part of a bigger story, like there's something missing. Who is Cora? What about the necklace made her kill Theda instead of just taking it? Why didn't she care that her brother was dying?

I like your writing style, though the language barrier presents some minor issues.

James

Michel,

You're on the cusp with this one. With a little story tuning and description adjustments this one could be a much stronger script.

Some of the improvements are noted above by other reviewers above. The inexperienced driver, the significance of the scorpion, what does the quote at the end mean (does it have a source? Frankly, I thought it was a distraction), and so on.   A little ambiguity doesn't hurt but in this case I think it does hurt.

The only thing I have to add is your opening scene should probably start EXT. SANDHILLS REGION with the focus on the Sandhills region then to the road, then to the car. From wide view to closer and closer shots.

EDIT: This is one of your better action descriptions. I think the single action lines helped. Also, another thought on ambiguity: If this lack of clear information is all the character knew when she was killed, I like it. We all want specificity, but maybe this is okay as is. I'd be interested in your thoughts on this.

That's all. Hope it helps.

Gary