Thrill Killer by Darrin Amani (x) - Horror, Slasher -  A college student's evil twin brother comes back into his life with gruesome results. As unsuspecting people around campus start to die off, students begin suspecting him. But is it really him doing these murders or his depraved look-alike? Thrill Killer is not for the squeamish.  87 pages - fdr, format 8)

Thrill Killer by Darrin Amani (x) - Horror, Slasher -  A college student's evil twin brother comes back into his life with gruesome results. As unsuspecting people around campus start to die off, students begin suspecting him. But is it really him doing these murders or his depraved look-alike? Thrill Killer is not for the squeamish.  88 pages - pdf, format 8)

PDF version up now thanks to don.

I'll return comments.

Hey, my thoughts:
Had trouble with the first scene.  The kids dialogue was a little off, why did they have to take the shortcut?  Then somehow they didnt know how to leave the cemetary?  
I would introduce paul the first time we see him.
dailogue continues to be awkward, 'wheres the coca cola?"  I dont know the last time i head someone say anything other than 'coke'
Slugs need work.  'house - later' isnt quite enough
The detective definately has no right to tell caden hell be taking him in in cuffs.  That would take probable cause, which hes well short of.
How does the detective know that hes the identical twin brother?  
A bit unbelievable how Jane is into David even though she knows hes someone else.  I get what youre goign for, but you need to make it a little more believable.
'I dont care if its your long lost penis'  lines kinda outta place with her.
The scene with the bum and house is pretty wierd.  How does the bum know anything, why would a bum give up a locket like that? and it doesnt lead to anything other than being beat up by bikers
the scne between nicols and caden ends without any notice.
Nicols whole character doesnt seem to make much sense.
the whole idea of an antidote is a little silly and definately not properly introduced.
The pacing for all the revelations and such is way off.
interupting the fight scene for a flashback is pretty bad form
you reveal davids eyes but dont tell us what they look like.
How is he blinded by the moon?  
Why does the moon affect Caden?  Thats pretty werewolfie.
the best way to get rid of him is to burn him to death?  why didnt david just kill him long ago?
This read like a pretty rough draft.  You need to smooth out the story, make sure everything makes sense.  Also develop the characters a little, expecially caden adn nicols.  Work on the dialogue and format as well.  Overall teh idea was pretty good, just take out some of the less original bits.

Hey thanks for commenting.
The kids in the cemetary got lost after running from the voice. The mask just wanted to prove he wasn't scared of the cemetary.
And the scene with the locket does lead to Nichols finding it in the bush which gives us the first clue that Caden isn't all that he seems. The bum was supposed to be living there after David left. I tried to portray that David has tried to kill Caden many times before but I guess it didn't work out. I agree that i need to develop characters.

The moon didnt blind David the sun did.

Alright, I would make that a little clearer with the kids
I understand why you have the locket in there, but it coming from the bum doesnt make much sense.  Bums dont just give away things like that.  Plus why does the bum send him next door?  Theres got to be a better way to get Caden the locket.
Yea I get that its an eclipse, but still, looking at the sun for a couple seconds isnt going to permanantly affect you.

anyways, good luck with it