Daily Grind by Jay Martinez (jayster) - Short, Comedy/Drama - Everybody - on some level - hates their job. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Ok. Where to begin?

P.S.: This is not an attack. This is a list. =)

Your first slugline is absolutely way too specific.
Colors. Why were there colors that aren't black?
Your parentheticals are too long.
Spelling errors/mistakes in a few places. I.E.: "Lots" instead of "Lot".
You referred to the credits. Not to say that that's bad, but it's usually frowned upon.

**SPOILERS** Sorry, but I saw the bank robbery coming a mile away. Not to say that that's bad. Maybe that's what we were supposed to be thinking. It really was the best way to end it though. **END SPOILERS**

The good:

I really liked the conversations about Running Scared (which is a really terrible movie. Lol.) and Stakeout (which is much better). It felt like a conversation I'd have with my brother. We always like to talk about loser movies and it seemed natural in your script.
The ending, as I said, is the best way it could've logically been done.

Enjoyable, but it needs some definite work.

6/10.

I'll have to echo some of Sean's (Mr. Blonde) comments.

Your first slugline is over-descriptive but lazy writing as well. What is AVERAGE? An average suburban house in Los Angeles is different from one in the Mid-West. The reader knows a house is on a road already. And what is a suburban city? You seem to make the slugline comedic, but the audience will not "see" your slugline.

I really suggest giving the DRIVER and PASSENGER proper names. I was caught off guard when you wrote "the PASSENGER comes out the front door". I thought he was coming out from the car and not the house.

You missed a slugline INT. CAR - DAY when the BMW drove off.

Please try to avoid sentences that can't be seen on-screen. For example, "thinking he's talking about money that's not enough". The audience won't know it, they can only see the DRIVER looking at the PASSENGER.

On the positive, the dialogues seem natural to me as two guys are bantering. However, this is more like a skit in the car rather than a complete story. I would suggest the characters to be saying something that alude more to the bank robbery. I know this would be hard because it is supposed to be a surprise. But midway through the script I was wondering where the story is heading.

Anyway, a good try. But the story needs more meat to the bone.

Some of these comments are covered by the above, but anyway...

1. The first scene header is basically a description, and most of it should be in the text that follows. You can't have a two line slug!

2. You then have no other scene headers at all. In other words, everything apparently takes place EXT, despite the fact that you have moved INT into a new scene in the BMW.

3. I have seen it done before, but there is no real need to have the scene headers in red and the dialogue headers in blue.

4. There is way too much dialogue - especially for something as short as this. I have said this before, but if dialogue is really well written you can get away with having a lot of it, but in most cases it isn't. This is the case here - it is just not very interesting, and in most cases is used as a rather blunt object.

Quoted from Daily Grind PASSENGER I don't know. I just- I don't know. I'm bored. I'm bored with this job. I'm bored with this house. I'm bored with life.

5. I got the feeling you were trying to recreate a sense of the scene in "Pulp Fiction" where Jackson and Travolta are driving and talking about mundane things like Big Macs - the difference being that Tarantino can write brilliant dialogue. Here, it is just two people talking.

6. Also, as you reveal they are criminals early on in the dialogue, when they arrive at the bank to rob it, there is no surprise when they do just that. Maybe leaving out the references to breaking into buildings might be an idea, so that we just appear to have a bored office worker being given a lift.

7. As with a lot of shorts, this appears to be more of a sketch rather than an attempt at telling a full scale story.

Jay

Not a bad effort here, some formatting issues as already highlighted but thankfully all can be easily fixed. The important thing is that you are able to write decent dialogue and formulate an interesting scene with a twist that I, for one, never saw coming.

Good job

Col.

First off, Running Scared was an awesome movie.

That was the best part of the short, the Gregory Hines/middle fingers reference.  YESSSS!

It was a good read. Quite enjoyed this, although the ending was predictable, as you clued us in on a couple of occasions. You've named your characters simply driver and passenger, but you reveal early on that they are friends. It's not bad, pretty good actually, as it is but might work a little better if the driver was acting the role of a driver to maybe a possible banker going through these credit crunch times, and it seems like the two do not know one another until much later.

Best,

H

First of all, thank you very much to all that have responded with comments.  I truly do appreciate it.

This is the very first screenplay, however short, I have written.  And, given the sense of accomplishment that I had after completing Daily Grind, I definitely want to learn more and I don't want to quit.   :)

The last thing I want to do here is break any protocol or etiquette in replying to each of your responses and comments.  Please, at any time, feel free to contact me to tell me so.

I look forward to reading your screenplays!



harrietb -
Thank you very much for your comments.

I hadn't thought about giving the characters names at all.  Although I called it a short, my original intention was to write more a just a skit or sketch, if you will.

I knew from the onset that the skit was only going to be taking place within the car and that their names were not going to be spoken by either of the characters given the closeness of their friendship.

I was trying to go for the natural conversation/bantering tone between two friends who have known each other since college and are way beyond even a first-name basis.

Having said that, would you say that I could illustrate their friendship more clearly than what I have?  Or would you insist on giving the characters names?

I do realize if I intend to further the story, the characters will, indeed, need names.



slabby -
Thanks!  :D   That has always been one of my favorite scenes in any movie.

I am happy you enjoyed it.



Col -
Thank you very much.  I really appreciate it.  :)



Niles -
You're the second person to mention the Pulp Fiction driving scene.  Pulp Fiction or that particular scene wasn't the primary thing on my mind while I was writing it.  However, I can't deny the similarity between the two plus that scene being my favorite scene in the movie.

I did want it to be just two people talking, bantering.  But, I didn't want it to come across as a blunt object.  I can understand how you found it boring.

"A bored office worker being given a lift".  That's exactly what I was trying to go for before the twist at the end.  I just need to work on it a bit to make it pop.

Regarding the different colored fonts, would you suggest just making all text in black font?



Coding -
I totally understand your comments on writing what the audience is supposed to see.

My original intention for this script was as a skit.  I had no intention to develop the story any further than Driver picking up Passenger, both driving to the bank, and finally holding it up.

However, rationalizing a skit compared to a short story and reading all comments here has helped me to develop some ideas to continue the script as a short story.

I will definitely work on the items you pointed out.



Mr. Blonde -
I totally did not take it as an attack, but nonetheless, thanks for clarifying that beforehand.  I appreciate it.

Unfortunately, a bank robbery - thus Passenger not finding any fulfillment in robbing banks - was not supposed to be immediately obvious to the reader.

I did try to intentionally give hints about it - the bank being the destination, breaking into the Treasury office in college, talking about money and how much each had - that way the reader wasn't totally taken off guard by a bank robbery at the end.

If I may ask, when, exactly, did you know it was a bank robbery?  Was it as soon as Passenger gave the location to the bank?  As soon as they pulled up to the bank at the end?  Or, perhaps, right after that when Driver says "You ready?"  I ask because I'm looking for a baseline of where I failed to keep you guessing.

Thank you for liking the conversations!  As I was writing them down, it felt as if I were transcribing a conversation between two people as opposed to one person (myself) creating a conversation between two people, if that makes any sense.  It really motivated me to want to post it here.

Quoted from Jayster Was it as soon as Passenger gave the location to the bank?

Yes. Reason is, I wrote something resembling this story before, and as it went through, I pictured mine. May not have been as obvious if I hadn't previously done it. =)

Quoted from Jayster Thank you for liking the conversations!  As I was writing them down, it felt as if I were transcribing a conversation between two people as opposed to one person (myself) creating a conversation between two people, if that makes any sense.  It really motivated me to want to post it here.

Yeah, I thought they were very good. Good job on those.

Hey Jay,

Aside from the formatting issues (which have already been covered in the previous comments), I thought this was a nice little story. Great twist at the end. I love a twist. Some of the dialogue was pretty neat also.

I read that this is your first effort? In that case, well done, keep at it, and don't be too disheartened at negative comments, they really help if you take them on board- you'll only get better.

Congratulations on your first piece (the first of many more, I'm sure)

All the best

Craig

Thank you, Craig.  I really appreciate it.   :)

I do intend to continue it.  It was fun.  And the feedback was a very rewarding experience.

I do plan to read and comment on everyone's scripts that took the time to read mine!  Work - as in my day job - has been keeping me busy for the past two weeks.


- Jay

Hey Jayster,

Just wanted to say that I enjoyed the dialogue throughout, especially the running scared stuff. I'm starting out at the moment so I can't yet comment on the formating, but I found it an easy, enjoyable read. Good Work.

Seems like just about every issue was previously covered.
Yea they should have names even if its a short and doesnt matter.  It just reads better even if its just john and pete instead of driver and passenger.

I dont know if anyone else mentioned it, but I found the beginning of the dialogue pretty painfully cliche.   (as in before they switch to movies)  I understand you need some of this to complete the office worker image, but it needs to be done better.
Kinda over the whole witty banter about movies within a movie thing.  It appeals to other movie lovers, and will always be related to tarantino, Kind of overdone at this point, IMO.

I did really like the idea though, like to the two characters robbing banks is just as boring as an office job.  
Also think the dreyfus comment could just be moved right before the end and have the same effect.  Like they step out of the vehicle, cock their guns then the line right at the end.

good stuff though.

Quoted from jackx Kinda over the whole witty banter about movies within a movie thing.  It appeals to other movie lovers, and will always be related to tarantino, Kind of overdone at this point, IMO.

That's the thing, though. People do actually talk about movies. They do talk about restaurants. You can't relate it to Tarantino as much as you think you can. That's how it goes. See, his dialogue isn't beloved because the characters talk about McDonald's, It's because of the way that it's accomplished.

I could put in a script, "Hey, you been to Mickey D's?" Is that great dialogue? No. In fact, it's horrible. It's not about what's said, it's about how you say it.

So, fuck that, equating a movie conversation with Tarantino instantly, because that's not right. Otherwise, anytime you mention something about a horror movie in a script, I can guarantee you that there'd be that one person who brings up Kevin Williamson. It's like trying to copyright dialogue, make it a brand name. Although, sadly, it is anyway.

I'm not saying in real life people dont talk about movies, or that in real life people dont say that they hate their job using the exact same phrasings used in the script.
I'm saying that that has already been done in a fair amount of movies/scripts.

Also dont mean that dialogue SHOULD be equated to tarantino because of movie/pop culture references, just saying it WILL be.  Other people have already seen that connection.
My point being that for myself, if I want to write witter banter about something to pass the time while characters are driving from one place to another, I would try to avoid bantering about movies/music, or what they call a Big Mac in amsterdam.  Or about the sexual proclivities of superheroes in a way that sounds like mallrats.  Even if I really did just have that conversation between me and my friends.

And I did read the previous comments, so I do see that alot of people quite liked the references and jokes.