Angels by Marvin K. Perkins - Short, Murder/Action - Two strippers from the 'Angels' night club have been brutally raped and murdered. Homicide detective Millicent Harper goes undercover to flush out and capture the killer.  16 pages - pdf, format 8)

This was an okay script. I was actually really excited for the end, until the Mcdonalds part came. That really ruined it for me. Is this supposed to be a comedy? I think that part should have been left out if this is not supposed to be a comedy.

Also why did Millicent agree to go undercover so easily? A little unrealistic for me. Even if she did used to go undercover, why would she just go along with the plan? I wasn't quite sure what the killer's motive was. Does he just like to kill girls for no reason?

The format for the script was alright and the dialouge was good too. I just really didn't like that ending. It was a little too quick.

Another thing I want to add is that I find it more than a little unrealistic that Millicent could basically kill a serial killer so easily. I would think the serial killer is a little smarter than to be beaten like that.

All in all, it was a good script, but it could have been better.

usaking, thanks for your input, I'm glad you liked it. I guess I could change the end, I just saw the Mcdonalds line as a little comic relief after the firght scene. I wrote this for an open script call on another board.  It called for a "kick ass" role for a female, 10-15 pages long. So I didn't have much time to develop characters etc.
I would really like to re-write this  without the page restraint, which I probably will do. The two detectives are characters I have in another full length script, "Delayed Justice", which is posted on the dicussion board under WIP. Thanks agin for your reply.  Marvin.

Hi Marvin,

An interesting premise you have here. The good basis for a story, but in my opinion, it could have done with a few more scenes- maybe with the men having to actually persuade Millicent into taking the job in the club?

I was actually expecting the killer to be the manager of the club, but that's me all over- always looking for a twist!

I have to agree with usaking, I hate the ending, I think it completely ruins the whole tone of the piece.

I also noticed a few typos and spelling errrors, but with a bit of a polish, I think you could have a fine little short here.

Keep at it. I look forward to reading an updated version of this short.

Craig

WAY too graphic for me.

Craig and cloroxmartini, thanks for your feed back on this short. I really do appreciate it. I guess I'll have to change the ending, although I liked it but I guess I'm alone in my opinion. I will tone down the rape/murder scene. I guess it is too graphic . That's an easy fix. I still have a couple of weeks before the deadline to submit. Thanks again, Marvin.  

SPOILERS

Hey Marvin,
I hope you'll take my remarks 'in the spirit' intended. You are wanting to submit this in a comp. hence my observations and suggestions.

First off there's way to much exposition. Asides and unfilm-able elements are fine minimally but you've got blatant 'telling of details' instead of 'showing' throughout your script i.e. you're ‘telling’ us details/thoughts/feelings instead of just revealing 'showing' what we will see on screen via action and dialogue.

Examples:

Quoted from marvink “Hazel wakes up suddenly to a scene that is beyond her comprehension. She shakes her head, hoping that the whole scene is a dream.”

Quoted from marvink "But she is quickly brought back to reality when she sees a man kneeling beside her. She can see the glint of a knife blade in the moonlight.

Using this as an example - what the audience will see is: 'Hazel lies on the ground, gagged, bound naked' etc 'a man kneels beside her, he presses a knife blade to her neck, it glints in the moonlight'. Now you can write it better than that with more colour and rhythm but I hope you get what I mean.

Homicide detectives JOHN CARSON and CHUCK BROWN are sent to investigate the murder/rape.
'Are sent' - nuh. Just show us what we see 'on screen' in present tense.

Likewise in your pivotal 'suspenseful' moment.
INT. CHUCK'S CAR- AT THE SAME TIME
Chuck and Carson realize that Millicent has been abducted and roar out of the parking lot chasing the van. But inspite of a valiant effort they lose the van and Millicent.

This scene (and your slug btw) should probably be INT/EXT. (though not nec. if overlaid dialogue) 'POLICE CAR' 'MOVING' ...
BUT you need to write this as 'action' . Marvin - the car is 'moving fast' - and there should be present-tense dialogue while they are on the move. The old 'Shit, we've lost them' - 'hey, I see them! Up ahead'. You get the drift. This is an 'action' opportunity you didn't actually write.

Also, sorry but your dialogue in parts needs work - it's quite clunky and needs editing - to make it more realistic and snappy.

"Damn, Chuck another one of these.
What is this number five.. in the last two
weeks. Great way to start the day,
huh? Glad I haven't had my
breakfast yet.. God what a mess..
Looks like the work of the same
pervert. What you think, Chuck?"

Just by cutting out the extraneous lines it sounds more realistic. Other instances where dialogue should be cut down too i.e. the whole 'introducing' scene with the cops and Milly too. It's wasted 'fill'.

EXT A PARK SOMEWHERE-A FEW MINUTES LATER - few probs with your slugs here too, sorry mate.
EXT. WOODS - MINUTES LATER will do.

On to your story. It's reading a little generic at the moment and the main problem I had as a reader is the lack of suspense and predictability. I know exactly what's going to happen, right down to the cliches.

The 'drunken patron' in the strip club.
The 'fight scene in the police academy' - reminded me of 'Kiss the Girls'
Under-cover police-woman (conveniently knows how to pole-dance)
And, then the "we've lost 'em scene'.

These are all fine - but introduce some layers ... in "Kiss the Girls" for example Ashley Judd's character is king-hit and winded - shows she's tough but also vulnerable. Your character Millicent didn't even really need back-up.

Which leads me to your cops - they're coming off as 'Keystone' imo at the moment - not too great at surveillance are they? Give them a reason for not being able to track Milly - even the car not starting would be better than, one moment they're on her like a hawk and the next minute she's gone. I mean what were they doing in that couple of minutes? More credibility.

Also, I viewed them as 'partners' and one guy calling the other 'boss' all the time grated on me.

My suggestion would be to take out your 'filler' over-laden dialogue and "telling" scenes and insert more plot-points/red herrings etc. Craig mentioned a 'twist' - if not that then 'lead us down the garden-path' in some way.

You also need at least another scene with your villian in the picture too - he's not even in the script except at the 'kill' to begin with, (and end) and he's not even hiding in the shadows before he strikes in the scene with Milly.

I do think you've got a good foundation here to work with but imo, you've got to give it more!
Hope some of this helps.
Libby

Marvin -

You originally posted this in the WIP section, where I commented extensively on it and we had a small discussion regarding some points.

I am a little diasppointed that, when submitting it to the Shorts section, you appear to have made little or no revisions to the script - as some of the points made by LC were also made by me in the WIP.

You now have the same script posted twice in different parts of the boards!

LC, thank you for your extensive comments, I will take them under advicement of course. Niles I appologize for the script being on two different boards. Normally the administrators will take the WIP down when this one is posted. I actually did make changes on the WIP post. I wanted to make the changes here, but I find I can't change this thread once it is posted. Believe me, I always take action on any suggestions and comments that are given. Check the WIP on the discussion board. Thanks for your help.  Marvin.

I agree with what LC said.  The dialog is too stiff.  It's polite, formal and shows-of your command of the language and vocabulary.

You wrote it like you were each character.
The script needs to read like the character said it and you wrote it down.

MYCUZVINNY
"Smatter-which-chew kid?  Cops ain't dat plite to each other."
GOODCOP
"Another carved-up babe by our favorite fuckin' whacko."
BADCOP
"Chuckie.  If this moe-foe takes you hostage; I wastin' you both."

Hold the starch.
Add some Mustard.