T5: Ashes of War by Ross Cooper - Sci Fi/Fantasy - Sequel to T4: Years of Darkness - pdf, format 8)

I like good sci-fi and I can do fan fiction when it's good, so I gave this a short.

Read down till I got to the title card insert. Prior to the title card, we ususally get the hook. I didn't get hooked. In an action flick, the hook is generally some really cool action. I didn't get any of that from what you wrote.

Aside from no hook, it could read better punctuation and format wise. I'm not consitently getting in the right place.

Oh dear - where to start:

1. I suggest you reformat this in a pogram like Celtx - lots of typos, spelling mistakes and formatting errors, things that distract from the flow of a script. Avoid personal direction.

2. This just doesn't read like a script. It's like a muddle of ideas that lack any clear structure. The golden rule is: show don't tell - you're telling us, in basic prose.

'The white sheets are red and the dark sheets are stained to the point of blackness. There are soldiers on every bed, which pretty much means any surface that's flat enough to lie on, including the ground. A team of doctors treats the injured as well as they can afford to using years of experience to fashion miracles out of rudimentary equipment and stores. One of them pulls a sheet up and over the body of a fallen Resistance soldier. There are many such sheets.'

This block of action needs to be broken up and rewritten with style and purpose.

Consider something like:

'Wounded soldiers strewn on blood stained sheet, cramped on makeshift beds.

Stiffled screams as a team of doctors saw through a restrained patients limb.

A gurney squeaks past draped in sheet. A mutalated hand arm dangles loosely.'

That example is by no means great, but it just illustrates how to break up the action and show rather than tell 'team of doctors saw through a restrained patients limb' vs 'A team of doctors treats the injured as well as they can afford to using years of experience to fashion miracles out of rudimentary equipment and stores.'

I suggest you read more scripts, especially sci fi ones to learn how all these elements are used to best effect. Alien is a great read in my opinion.