Mayor Vamp by Ike Ann Dhoo - Short, Family Horror - A boy who's know to tell a lie or two tries to convince his two friends that their mayor is really a vampire. Is he telling the truth or is a simple case of boy cries wolf? 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

This was a cute little tale.  It wasn't scary, but it wasn't meant to be.  My only problem with it was a number of misspellings in the script. The story, itself, was a fun read and the ending couldn't gone either way, which I liked.


Phil

The writing and the format was off at times, but  it was a decent story. I will say the ending for me was...Meh!

I am assuming you wrote this last minute so you forgot to proofread and provide us with a real ending? Basically the entire script is the setup to a greater story. Since this is just the setup, there isn't much horror until the last few sentences.

I hope you can trim down the treehouse scene a bit and replace scenes that show the Mayor might be a real vampire. Because right now, there is no suspense at all. Peter just runs up to the Mayor and accuses him as a vampire.

The Mayor's dialogue can sound more adult. Those "Beat it!" and "Knock it off!" sound childish to me.

I do applaud you for finishing this script in one week though. Good effort.

Found this rather juvenile. I assume the references to 1984 and the Ghostbusters character names were supposed to summon up a feeling of those films that we saw when younger (though in my case, that would have been the 70s!).

Aside from formatting and spelling/grammatical errors, which were of putting, it didn't seem particularly well structured. We spend too long with the boys in the tree house, and then they are proven right about the Mayor - the belief that he is a Vampire being based on nothing much as far as I could see! - and that's it! The End.

Really it needed a better reason for why the boys thought he was a vampire, and more concentration on the revelation that they were right. I realise it is difficult within 12 pages, but obviously, as SS proves all the time, it can be done - and so did really feel this story was a let down.

Maybe when the OWC is over you can develop it more - it does have the makings of an interesting little family horror story in there somewhere!

Meh. I didn't much care for this one. Not a complete failure. It would've been a complete failure if the mayor hadn't been a vampire. Still, it doesn't seem like Peter has much to go on to do what he does. He just seems like some dumb kid with a lotta nerve. Some people like these kinds of characters. I don't. I also think you should've used your other 4 pages to do something. I think you could've still killed off the vampire (or had him live?) in that time. Overall, a decent premise poorly executed.

This one needs some work. Formatting and storytelling. It had an interesting premise but needed more than just a reveal at the end.

This was a difficult OWC they all are. I'd say mission completed but with missed opportunities.

Gary

I personally thought it was a nice story that a lot of kids would enjoy. Reading through i did think that you need to proofread time and time again since there are a lot of problems with formating.

I did want more though, which is often the case with 12 pagers...but i think it can be done! So in the end of it all - NICE STORY in need of some more polishing and thought in the ending.

Good job!

Too many speeling errors suggest a last minute job and unfortunately the same can be said about the story.  The idea's not bad but I felt it could have been done a whole lot better.  

The opening dialogue seems redundent until Peter's doubts over the Mayor, I did like the end though.  I got a strange 'Lost Boys' feel with this.

Also were the character names picked randomly or was it your intention to have a 'Ray' and a 'Winston'?

I assumed, as it had a Ray, a Peter and a Winston - all character names from "Ghostbusters", that it was a deliberate nod towards films from that period (I'd forgotten "Lost Boys" - very definite Frog Brothers overtones here).

James, please edit your comment to include a spoiler space.  Thank you.


Phil

I think I would have enjoyed this one a bit more if I weren't distracted by the spelling and grammatical errors. With me being a perfectionist, I couldn't get over them, so it distracted me from what really matters: the story. Which has been done dozens of times, but those ideas are still always fun, so I don't want to complain too much. It was odd that it started out with Peter already assuming that the mayor is a vampire, so the suspense was kind of missing. At least have Peter have more evidence to suggest that the mayor is a vampire besides the fact that "Tiny" said he's never gone in sunlight before. It did seem rushed, which I guess is the reason why it's under 12 pages and that there are many misspellings here, but this was a hard challenge apparently.

Sean

Yeah, I'm guessing you raced to get this one in under the wire.  Grammar, punctuation and capitalization problems throughout.  A not bad idea for a story, though.  As another poster said, however, this one feels like a missed opportunity.  Maybe if you had a couple more weeks to dwell on this one, you could have fleshed out the story and the characters much more and provided a more satisfying ending.  I had no idea this was based in 1984 until I read that dialogue toward the end.  You should have made us aware of that fact at the beginning.

I've read through 6 of these OWC scripts now and realize why I like to stay away from them... They all lack quality and depth. You people look at 12 pages as if it's gotta be paper thin and have no substance it seems.

This is yet another flawed attempt... The ad wizards are running crazy here.

This script was so riddled with bad grammer, misspelled words and punctuation it made it hard for me to read....so much so that I didn't even care to finish it. Way tedious...

Sorry to who ever wrote this.

Morgan

I thought the story had a lot of potential but the script didn't really make the best of it.  As others have said, the spelling errors and such were very distracting.  The tree house scene takes up way too much space.  The back and forth about the comic book and kicking Pete out of the club was too excessive.  It would have been better to just start off with the accusation of the mayor being a vamp, maybe have some flashbacks of the mayor doing some suspicious, vampire-like things and then jump straight to the festival.

I didn't notice the Ghostbuster names until it was mentioned previously, but I did get the Lost Boys feel while I was reading.  I wonder if either was intentional.

Not going to be able to finish this one.  At least 30 mistakes, if not more in the first 3 pages, which also don't go anywhere, and have nothing to do with the theme and genre.

The writing itself is also very poor.  An extra blank page after the title, and a total length of what, 8 pages?  Not going to cut it, I'm afraid.

Sorry, but this is pretty bad.  I'm seriously wondering how and why this has the most views and posts so far.

SPOILERS


I enjoyed it but felt like the story was rushed right when it started to get interesting. You could perhaps cut out the treehouse scene and the ripping the comic book. It also felt like there's a couple pages missing at the end. The kid squirts with a water gun, the mayor stands up and reveals his wound and that's it.

Cute story. I think it was done in the spirit of the challenge.  It suffered a bit from the typos mentioned above but I'm sure that can be fixed with a few read throughs.  

What I think was missing here was that you told us about the boy crying wolf rather than showing us.  You certainly had enough pages to show us.  I think if you correct this problem and show us more of Peter's character then you will be taking a step in the right direction with this script.

Good job.

***OO

Here's my assumption; you may be a kid or younger type person just getting their feet wet.

Neatness counts. You wouldn't turn in a uni paper with all the missed punctuation, misspellings, and capitalization errors, would you? No, you'd take the time to polish it up to make it the best possible presentation, especially in this industry. You want them to care about your script as much as you do, right?

Dialogue is very on the nose (stating the obvious), without a whole lot of subtext or depth to the characters. Show, don't tell. Instead of just describing his experience with Monday's Meatloaf, why not show that? Let the characters breath a little bit, and take advantage of all twelve pages. Maybe delve more into the character of Tiny and why his suspicions carry so much weight. Show that encounter and build on it.



SPOOKY SPOILERS :0

Not a bad concept of the Super Soaker with Holy Water (hence asking if the church is open) to prove that the Mayor is, in fact, a vampire. I think for this to work, we, the audience need to see more of his potential vampiric activity, where he would just explain it away logically to foil Peter's assertions. Just going off what Tiny said isn't enough to justify Pete's extreme action in going on stage to squirt the mayor.

Every now and then, I strike a PDF that is hard to scroll on - it must only happen with certain software. The mouse doesn't work properly.
so this, and the numerous errors made this a tough read.

But i agree with BW, this is probably a first timer, a young one. Learn some formatting, clean up the spelling and i see a kernel of talent in there somewhere.

Quoted from Baltis. I've read through 6 of these OWC scripts now and realize why I like to stay away from them... They all lack quality and depth. You people look at 12 pages as if it's gotta be paper thin and have no substance it seems.

Baltis,

Check out Cumbara. That one is worth reading, twice.
And no, I did not write it.
Although, I look forward to finding out who did.

-electricsatori

Pete, Ray and Winston?  It just never got going, and ended too soon.

I've chosen to ignore the grammer and the spelling, assuming it was a time thing.

I could see where you were going with this, but to be honest, there just wasn't any substance. The characters weren't bad... A bit like the Goonies.

I can see why a number of people have mentioned the parody of characters from previous movies. I don't know if this was deliberate, or again, just a time thing.

A good try, but no more than that.

Marks out of 10 - 5...ish

That having been said; RESPECT!  I didn't make it.

alffy - Also were the character names picked randomly or was it your intention to have a 'Ray' and a 'Winston'?  The names were chosen for a reason and not randomly.

Dreamscale- The writing itself is also very poor.  An extra blank page after the title, and a total length of what, 8 pages?  Not going to cut it, I'm afraid.

Sorry, but this is pretty bad.  I'm seriously wondering how and why this has the most views and posts so far.

Not sure why it saved as such, but it did and I should have checked once more before submitting.

Blakkwolfe- Here's my assumption; you may be a kid or younger type person just getting their feet wet.

Neatness counts. You wouldn't turn in a uni paper with all the missed punctuation, misspellings, and capitalization errors, would you? No, you'd take the time to polish it up to make it the best possible presentation, especially in this industry. You want them to care about your script as much as you do, right?

Dialogue is very on the nose (stating the obvious), without a whole lot of subtext or depth to the characters. Show, don't tell. Instead of just describing his experience with Monday's Meatloaf, why not show that? Let the characters breath a little bit, and take advantage of all twelve pages. Maybe delve more into the character of Tiny and why his suspicions carry so much weight. Show that encounter and build on it.

I'm 25, but I suppose to some I could still be consider a kid. What's "Uni"? Thanks for the advice, and as for showing not just telling; well I agree, but felt limited with  having  only 12 pages.

I should have spend more time working out the story, and proofreading. Thanks to all for the read!

This one had some bright moments. The youthful tone it had rang true to the audience it's geared toward.

You did get a giggle from me with this:

>A tree house sits above in the tree.

I thought:

Yes, that's usually the way it works.  ;D

With this dialogue here:

>Ray
Forget it I'll just tell my dad
I lost it or something and he'll
just go out and buy me a new one.

I thought it was coming through as either the
writer's own existing or pre-existing attitude,
or a clever awareness of the way some kids
don't appreciate anything and figure their
parents will just keep coughing it up again
and again.

It's a valuable line because it reveals
character.

I think you made a good effort. Keep working on the details and get into proofing mode as much as possible in the future.

Sandra