Monster's Night Out by Pete Moss - Short, Family Horror - He doesn't need a costume and he's out for a treat... a treat named Chase. - pdf, format 8)

I felt like I was reading a Goosebumps story. By the way that's a good thing being what the genre is in all. Overall the story kept me reading, and in the end had me satisfied.  

First script I've read for this OWC.

I liked it well enough, pacing was good, and it met the challenge.

One thing though, I never knew monsters didn't like candy.
You might want to incorporate that into your script earlier somehow.

It was a good read otherwise.

Cindy L. Keller

This was good. I would have like to see the monster's eye in the closet right at the end, just as Chase sighs and closes his eyes.

I think it would be good to show in the start that the monster had tried to eat Elliot before. And as Cindy said, mention before that monsters don't like candy. Replace that with "just throw something at them".

You really got the family aspect in this... it stayed along the lines of the challenge well.

Umm, what else.... not much! It was a good story. Good setup and good ending, and not over a too long period of time. Well done.

I like this one.  Good story that meets the challenge.

Some mistakes, but pretty clean.  You didn't write your POV's correctly though, and unless you're showing soem kind of distorted view, they really aren't neccessary.

Biggest issue for me is the amount of 4 line passages (1 that was 5, I think).  Nothing wrong with a 4 liner, but it seemed like the majority of your passages were 4 liners, which makes for a long, clunky read.

I think the underlying cause of this is overwriting, overexplaining, and overdescribing.  Most of your action/description lines contained way too much info that we don't need.  I think you could have cut alot of this exta description out and added a little more life to your main characters.

Good, solid effort here though for sure.  Good work!

Nice little story here.  Well-written and paced.  Creative use of the old monster in the closet, or bathroom.  You make the two kids the heroes in the end, which always works in stories like this.  I think you made a mistake on that last page when the mother calls Chase "Timmy."  But this was a solid OWC entry.

I liked this one. Solid entry. Not sure if you needed the VOs. Principle should be Principal (Whose your pal? The Principal!) Inventive use of candy as the thing the monsters hate and putting it in the hands of Chase. I also think the monster eye in the closet would have been the definitive ending for this one. Elliot as a prior monster fighter could be a story on its own.

Gary

I enjoyed this one - it was nicely written and structured and held together well.

I did think more should have been made of the brother knowing the monster was real - the revelation that he had a run in with the monster as a child lacked impact as it was presented.

Overall though, a nice little script.

I also got a distinct goosebumps feel while reading this.  Overall, I think it was a good read and adhered well to he requirements.  I liked Elliot's character.  He went from begrudingly taking his little brother to the festival, to helping save him from the closet monster.  Good job!

I noticed a mistake at the end as Chase's mum calls him Timmy but apart from that I no problems with this at all.  It met the theme well and the story was pretty good.  I'm not sure if I missed something though, is there some significance of Chase winning all the competitions?  Anywho, this is one of the best so far.

I liked your script.

The part about them switching houses for a sleepover did not pay off, I think. Actually, maybe you could do without Mom.

I wish there was more tension between the brothers.

Good script, reads like a complete story with the beginning, middle and an end. Excellent flow.

I think you could rewrite and make it stronger. Make us believe that the monster used to chase Elliot before. Make us care for Chase a bit more.

I really enjoyed your script, perfectly suited for this challenge. The setup comes fast, the middle is full of suspense, the resolution is explained, and the ending is satisfying.  Writing is clear and descriptive. I have nothing bad to say about this. An excellent job, congrat!

Yeah, this was a good one, that fulfilled all the requirements.

Nothing more to add, really. Nice effort!

It was pretty good, there was the comedy, and then the ultimate horror of the monster that lives in the closet. The middle was actually pretty slow for me. With all the close calls, it was just like, "So when is the monster actually going to get him?" But, you fulfilled the OWC requirements, and there we have it.

Sean

Well, Mr. Pete Moss, I'd have to definitely say this is one of my favorite scripts this OWC.  I saw another reviewer throw out the name 'Goosebumps', and I'd have to say that's just about right.  This script could easily fit in the Goosebumps series.

More than well done. . .fantastic!

"All monsters hate candy. Everybody
knows that."

:)

I think you nailed it. I really do.  You managed to meet all the criteria that was required and presented a nice litle short.

I particularly liked the triumph over fears of the closet monster.

I think kids would love this, particularly the younger ones. I t deals with their fears and overcomes them. Cool!

Well done.

8 out of 10 easily.

Good thing I'm not a monster or this story would have me vomiting in the bushes - cause it's sweet!  Really enjoyed this read.  The older brother's turn from a tease to a protector was rewarding and would have been even strong with more setup.  Well done!

This is definitely one of my favorite tales...if it were written a little cleaner with the suggestions you have received on other posts...I think you could actually submit this one somewhere...and it might win.  :)

I loved that Chase won at everything and his relationship with his brother took on a nice change.   He also learned that this had happened to his brother too and there's nothing more comforting to a sibling than finding out that they too, have experienced the same fear(s).

Great job!

Morgan

Very clever story, very well told.

Loved the premise that monsters (at least this one) go trick or treating on Halloween not for candy, but little kids.
Nice early hint in the story that Elliot might have been a possible monster treat years before with the "just throw something at him" line. This suggestion could be simply a way to calm the nerves of a younger kid...or, really the way to foil the monster.

Spooky build of how the monster was revealed one ooey gooey part at a time.

Definitely delivers the Family Horror genre and nicely revolves around the Halloween Harvest.

This definitely was a Halloween treat!

Thanks for reading, everybody. Lots of good points here. Not much to contest with. Overall, very fun and refreshing to write but I think I'll stick to my blood and guts for a while.

Good, solid entry, James!  I voted this as my #4 favorite!  Great story.

"Let me just write your name down with your guess." is probably the greeter, not Chase.

Concur with the carmel apples, like Sugar Daddies. All endorsed by the Dental Association for all the fillings they rip out.

Principle is always the Principal, your pal.

Chase is Timmy in the last scene, but, that's just nitpicky stuff.

I liked how the monster was so sneaky trying to get the boy, only showing bits and pieces of himself in true creature feature fashion. Familiar theme with monsters in the closet, but he was a particularly good monster and a good, original spin to it. Liked the scene with the snail.

Dialogue was good, too. Sounded age close to age appropriate, but Chase was a bit older, nine or ten maybe.

Nice job, Mr. James.

The idea of the monster in the closet is a good one. As children, we can all relate to this.

The trouble with this is that Chase doesn't have the opportunity to solve the problem on his own.

In the end we learn:

>ELLIOT
All monsters hate candy. Everybody
knows that.

If you show this in the beginning, as the monster's weakness, then you could maybe build the story based on that idea, where Chase devises a plan to teach the monster a lesson or something.

Right now, as it stands, Chase doesn't really do much. He does nail his shot and dunks the principal. That is good because it shows he has some natural ability and strength. It's a part that shows his potential. Use that in defining some of what he's about. Build on that idea and make it work. As it is, it just kind of exists there before the showdown with the monster where the candy gets thrown.

Build up to the point where the candy gets thrown by showing some actual conflict between the monster and the two brothers.

One more note here:

>Elliot and Chase emerge from the front of a stereotypical
suburban house.

There's no such thing as stereotypical suburban house. It depends on where you are.



Good effort,

Sandra