Ghost in the Graveyard by Yul Adenauer - Short, Family Horror - Franklin, Tennessee’s annual Halloween Festival ain’t all fun and games, as old Jeb’s bones comes a callin’.   Family Horror – 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

I really liked the characters in this piece. It also had a well developed story...wish it could have been a page or two longer so the end didn't have to end so quickly, but that is part of the challenge with page restriction. :)

It has something for everyone, male and female, family too!

Nice writing, great dialogue and it meets the challenge...a very enjoyable read!

So far it's one of my favorites! :)

Morgan

This was really well written and the two stories merged well but I can't help but think you had to chop some out of this, the ending seems a little condensed.  The dialogue was good and the overall atmosphere was excellent, a good entry.

I don't usually say this but I have an idea who might have written this.

- Dialogue was gold.

- Story was okay.

- Characters were good.

- I think the Hannah Montana thing took focus away from the rest of the story. I would have liked something more generic and boring, so we could focus on the other stuff.

- I don't think you should have the kids smoking. Tobacco or weed. Or alcohol. Or swearing. For the family aspect.

- I would have liked to know whether the skeleton was real, or a prank.

- It ended too quickly. Maybe cut out some of the start to find some space for the ending.

Overall this was very well written in terms of action lines and dialogue, but the story could do with some tweaking. Too much crammed into 12 pages. Well done.

Ah, now here we go.  Liked this one.  Well written and meets the challenge.

Liked the characters and got a laugh with the Achy Breaky.  Dialogue seemed real, and I like the actual locations and southern flavor.

Agree with both reviewers that it seems that the end was rushed, probably due to the page constraint.  I do like how it ends, though.

Solid effort here.

SPOILERS

I thought this one had a great backstory with ol' Jeb.  I did have to wonder what Zachary was doing in that graveyard if he knew the skeleton was gonna be coming out of the ground, though.  Seems like he'd want to be miles from there.  I think the story slowed down at the festival.  That scene didn't advance the plot too much and it was page ten before we were back at the graveyard, where all the action was.  As I said, I loved the backstory of that poor bastard Jeb.  I guess I was hoping for a more surprising twist toward the end.  Didn't happen, IMO.

Your formatting and grammar were good.  As far as the requirements of the OWC, you definitely had the festival scene, although strange things didn't really happen there.  But the mentions of joints and teenagers gettin laid at the graveyard probably push this out the "Family Horror" realm.

Excellent intro. Says a lot with few words.

Loved the Dutch boy haircuts.

Good capture of 11 year old boys. It was very sweet and true.

Good dialogue with the characters voices distinct.

Top notch script if you ask me. An easy read with with believable characters for their ages. Dialogue was great.

How to improve this? Maybe add a couple of pages for the ending. For a PG-ish script, I really enjoyed this one.  :)

The writing was great. Clear and crisp.

Out of four (I think) read 2 have been VERY good.

I think I know who did this but will keep mum for now.

i can just imagine this on the Disney channel - joints, booze, teenage groping. If this was combined with the killer roos, we would have something!

No, great formatting and style. Everything moved well.

Maybe the best so far...  i just want to say i consider this challenge tougher than the August music one. I really had to brainstorm and very nearly pulled out of it.

I liked this one a lot.  The backstory as well as the present story was well explained and thought out.  The characters were nicely drawn.  No problems with dialogue.  I was a bit concerned with the swearing/pot smoking/drinking/etc if this is supposed to be intended for younger viewers.  But other than that, well done.

As for the ending, it did feel a bit like something was missing.  A few more pages could go a long way for clarity and closure sake.  Good job!

Well, I'm of the opinion that if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything. That's why this is my first OWC review.

I really enjoyed this story. It's weird because you did almost everything I hate in a story, yet you found a way to make it all work. It felt like a PG-13 horror movie, but it also felt like it only would've worked that way.

The cheesy dialogue, awesome.
The stereotypical characters, brilliant.
Product placement, nice touch.

My only problem, and some have already stated this, is that the ending is really rushed. I'd say that after the contest, finish or re-work the ending and re-submit it and you'll have a real winner. =)

8.8/10.

I get the impression that this is the first twelve pages of a script.  You have a lot of characters and a lot of set up, and then it ends really abruptly.

There were some problems with the dialog, I thought.  Chet and Luke are supposed to be bullies, but at times they speak too polite and dainty.  Luke, at one point said, "You scared us a tad."  A tad?

I'd like to see the rest of this story.


Phil

You have glowing reviews so I hope you won't mind me saying that it took me sometime to read this.
Too many characters, I think - I don't understand the importance of them all; dialog didn't do it for me; the story jumped and juked a few times.
It kind of wanders around the main stuff, teasing and not getting to the point quickly enough and then ending quite abruptly...

Well written though and I appreciate that.

WTF? Swearing and "going at it" sex and dope in this OWC? Adding Hannah Montana doesn't make up for that.

The ending wasn't an ending. I would rather you wrapped it up in 12 pages instead of leaving me hanging.

Actually I liked this story a lot. I'd like to see it completed.

Gary

Excellent story telling!  The set up with old Jeb makes us wait and want it him to appear and do his fifty year appearance which means the disappearance of someone.

Definitely met the "Family Horror" genre because we didn't actually see anything horrible that would be disturbing to a kid, and we filled in the blanks in our imagination.

Not to be redundant of the other notes, but I want to acknowledge the wonderfully defined characters, well written dialog and clean and clear writing style.

Scary good!

(EDITED FOR PR REASONS: wouldn't want to give anyone any false hopes. Their work, all of it, is solid gold material) ... Really, it is. Best ever.

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- Opening slug was written to perfection... Captured a very specific location with very few words.

- Opening dialect was tight and to the point. Hanna Montana makes me sick and so does her entire family, but even still it wasn't a huge distraction to add her stupid no talent ass in.

- EXT. MT. Hope Cemetery - Central Mausoleum - Night
The sun has set completely now. It's dark except for the harvest moon, which casts a yellow glow everywhere.

To me, that reads sluggish and clunky. It sounds good. It's descriptive, but maybe even a little too.  I'd reword it and take out the "completely" and I'd also take out the "It's Dark" we know it's dark cos the Scene Header told us it was night.  There's a lot of tweaks you can do to this Slug and still retain it's point.

- Chet and Luke's dialogue is solid... I think they're a little passive at times, though. & with the dialogue being crafted how it is one would almost get the feeling it is set in the 50's...  "Bejesus" ?? If so, tops, man. Then again, this is the south and they tend to talk ass back wards and later there was a reference to 59, so it couldn't be set in the 50's. That and the Hanna Montana bit leads me to believe they're just not talkin' right.

- Zachary's story start up was gold... Written fantastically well and convincing.

- The concert bit was pretty solid and funny. I liked how the wrap around concluded there. It shows the writer knows how to keep track of the events he's dreaming up. Good stuff.

- I liked the emergence of the Skeletal figure... It reminded me of when I was a kid and would stay at my cousins house... He had this big poster/tapestry of Iron Maiden's Eddie and he always scared the shit out of me. That's not the complete mental picture I got, but it was close enough to spark that memory...

- The ending was a bit abrupt, but it didn't lead me into thinking there was a bigger picture as Phil had stated. I guess I can see where you'd think the foundation is there for a bigger story, cos it is there... But weak ending aside, it ended better than the other 9 OWC scripts I've read.

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Couldn't say who wrote it, and that's probably better left at the gate anyways. This was a well written script with a good theme. It failed in some aspects during the set up, but it retained a Central theme through out and was entertaining. The characters were well written. The set ups were good.

If they all could've been like this, maybe I wouldn't have wasted so much of my time reading "Festivus of Fear" "Mayor Vamp" and all the other cat squirt scripts.

Definitely for the older age group. Third one I've read though that has more of a plot/suspense/colour etc. I would have ramped up the beginning a bit - nice imagery evoked though and a solid story.

Skeleton-man was creepy, as was Zachary (I wanted more of Zachary btw).  I also might suggest the legend - the actual 'scare part' of the story could be expanded upon a bit too - I think you could have got a litle bit more mileage out of it and less dialogue to do with the Family Cyrus.

There's no Fade In/Out on this one either btw.  Amazing Balt didn't mention it.

Overall, another favourite for me. I have an inkling one of two people who may have written this ... but I could be wrong.

Oh, and the abrupt ending - a throw away line by Dad - I think you could have done something really special here to add to an already pretty impressive read.

Very enjoyable read.

Quoted from LC Definitely for the older age group. Third one I've read though that has more of a plot/suspense/colour etc. I would have ramped up the beginning a bit - nice imagery evoked though and a solid story. Skeleton-man was creepy, as was Zachary (I wanted more of Zachary btw).  I also might suggest the legend - the actual 'scare part' of the story could be expanded upon a bit too - I think you could have got a litle bit more mileage out of it and less dialogue to do with the Family Cyrus. There's no Fade In/Out on this one either btw.  Amazing Balt didn't mention it. Overall, another favourite for me. I have an inkling one of two people who may have written this ... but I could be wrong. Oh, and the abrupt ending - a throw away line by Dad - I think you could have done something really special here to add to an already pretty impressive read. Very enjoyable read.

I was going to... It was in my notes but when I closed the PDF in Corel word my notes went with it and I had to do everything from memory. I also noticed it had no THE END, which bugs me a bit.  But, what can ya do?

Someone ran out of pages here :)

I was impressed by this one. I usually hate OWC scripts cos' they really suck but this one didn't suck at all. In fact, it hooked me from the start, pulled me right in. The setup was very well done but - like most OWC scripts - it suffers from being too long, the second act doesn't really start until halfway through the script (but It was really well written overall so I'm gonna let that one slide).

Okay, there were a few descriptions the came off a bit bit bulky or awkward. Baltis already mention one of them, the other I had a problem with was this one:

Quoted from pg. 3 They turn around, head back into the interior of the cemetery.

The "interior" part kills it. I would probably have used "heart" in this instance. I'm nitpicking now, I know, and like I said before this was really well written overall.

I think you used Zachary just right. Use him any more than that and you risk making him annoying. I would've liked to have known what he was doing there though, is he just a whino or does he work there like a grave digger or something?

With the genre being "Family Horror", I was thrown a bit by the pot and the horny teens but it worked in itself...even though it's heavily clichéd.

The concert was well done. My favourite part of the script was probably when Billy Ray Cyrus took the stage - and the parents started dancing. I can still picture him with that giant mullet, shaking his huge ass in the Achy Breaky Heart video. Priceless.

Near the end, the script almost fell apart. I say almost cos' you did save it by making it an open ended ending. Okay, it felt really rushed and that was a shame cos' you were doing really well up until then. Guess you ran out of pages.

But overall? Impressive. What actually impressed me the most was probably that, while the setup was very cliché and the characters very stereotypical, I truly enjoyed it anyway.

Cheers
Rob

I thought this met the challenge very well.  Your characters and their dialogue were quite well done - perhaps the best I've seen so far (though there might have been a tad too many for a 12 page script).  

I had a couple of issues with this.  I found the Hannah Montana name to be a bit distracting and you should consider changing it.   Also, sometimes (to me anyway) the dialogue seemed to change from Southern to Hillbilly - unless Hillbilly was what you were going for, not sure.

The last issue was the story.  I just found it kind of light and thought there should be a bit more to it.

Otherwise, great job.

****O  

I still see the opening shot in my mind - really nice, tght description.  Ditto to most all of what's been said.  I was trying to think about how you could have written it without the parents - they didn't do much for me.  But, you were appropriately stingy with their lines and it gave you a closing scene.  Fun to read!

Very good script.  A little on the mature side, with the drugs, wine and making out, but no real gore.  Just good old scary walking bones!

I liked this a lot.  The dialog and story ran true, and the read was very easy and visually pleasing.  

Well done!

It seems that many people have different views on what family horror is.  I think it's something I can bring my 9 year old son to and with the pot smoking and cursing for me it misses the mark.  

I like the idea here of the cemetary and the scary story the old guy tells, then you have the other story at a Hanna Montana concert.  I don't see how the Hanna Montana thing helps the main part of the story.  That just seemed unfocused to me.  There were a lof of characters as well.  

I think if you cut out some of the characters and story line that didn't really help the plot, you'd have more time to end it with some kind of resolution.  Even if you end it not knowing what happened to the kid, the way it is now just seems unfinished.  

File under minor nitpicks: got the withered trees and weathered sidewalks...sounds too similiar, but may not bug anyone else but me...

A recent poll picked Achy Breaky Heart as the #1 most Annoying song of all time. I agree.

Going along at a good pace and...huh? what happened? I'm gonna give the benefit of the doubt and assume there was a glitch in the computer file...Perhaps the car was Tony Sopranoed by Ol' Jeb.

Liked the intro and Zachary was really cool. Goooood character.

The whole festival thing sort of crammed in there to fit the OWC, but I don't think the whole set-up with Hannah Montana was needed for the story- This was about Ol' Jeb and how Chet and Luke were gonna cross 'im. Think just having the boys there with the girls would have been sufficient. Liked how the kids paid them back for teasing by locking the gate.

The drug and alchohol references would hurt this as a family drama, which aren't really needed. You could easily work around that.

While this was very well written,  and a decent story I can't see this being the winner.

It is supposed to be a family horror and yet you have got Billy Ray Cyrus singing Achy, Breaky Heart!! No way, sorry. If I had kids there is no chance in hell I would subject them to the sheer terror of that man, his song, or his daughter.

Oh, yeah, and the pot too. Not really PG stuff there either.

Nice job on the writing but have to give you a massive FAIL for the Achy, Breaky. Oh, and the smoking of doobies.

This one I liked. Wasn't exactly what you'd call scary, but it had good dialogue and some interesting characters, which made the script breeze by.

Why did Chet and Luke talk like a couple of greasy Italian gangsters in a 50's musical? It seems kinda strange seeming as how this is a modern day tale. Not really a complaint, as it gives the script a lot of personality, just something I found curious.  I guess it's the same with Zachary, even though some of his dialogue and characterization borders on racist.

The Miley/Billy Ray Cyrus stuff gave the script some texture, although I can't for the life of me figure out why Hannah Montana and her father would be performing at a small town Halloween festival for apparently no charge. Maybe she does this stuff, maybe she doesn't. I make it my business to not follow her career that closely, but it didn't really make sense.

Other than that, no complaints. You got the Halloween festival in there, some fun horror stuff and some snappy dialogue. Well done.

I thought this was a really nice piece of storytelling. This had a really nice feel to it, and it definitely met all the criteria in my mind. You had some really decent dialouge there and I feel you crafted all of the characters quite well.

I thought the story was a nice little spin on something we might've all seen before. But, at the end of the day, this read really well. I found that it just flowed and that I had a really good feeling after reading it.

My only issues was that it felt like it ended rather abruptly. A little more closure, or something to that extent, could've made this that bit better in my opinion.

But great job, thouroughly enjoyed it.

To whom it may concern

I’ve included some page by page reactions/opinions, etc and technical notes below mainly referring to dialogue and flavour of the story. This will hopefully give you an idea of what I thought about the script as I read.

Overall, I liked it. You ticked most of the boxes regarding the genre and theme, in that all the central characters were young and who more importantly talk and act like people their own age. The set up and story of the haunted cemetery, albeit rather tired an cliché is true to the Halloween stories you see in shows like "Are you afraid of the Dark" (you might see it as an insult but this really reminded me of that show) which are directed at familes/kids audiences.

The concert too and the chosen "special" guests are all appealing to the younger demographic so that was on the money and provided an interesting backdrop to the main story as well as covering the festival criteria of the challenge.

However it is in the main plot that you strayed from the partial innocence that this genre demands. The stark contrast between the bright, happy, hands in the air Hannah Montana gig interspersed with cute, naive questions by an 11 years old to his father about kissing girls compared to the soft drug & drink fuelled sex, (or at least the implication of it) going on in the cemetery between the two 16 year old couples.

The worlds apart subject of the two plots is lessened to a large degree by the wise cracks of Chet and oft displayed naivety of this group of people also. And again that's fine they are only 16, we all had a lot to learn at that age (and still do) my only concern is the conflicting nature of the story leaves it with no set market or audience. Who exactly is this supposed to be directed to? In one way its family (without the horror) with Ricky his sister and parents attending the concert while in another its a more risqué, coming of age tale, with an undercurrent of horror, and the odd sprinkle of humour.

From the get go, I thought this was a very difficult genre to balance, I mean family with horror, you couldn't get more opposing themes unless one is sacrificed to serve the other, namely the horror would have to be pretty tame to fit the bill. In the respect, as I already said, you achieved it through the cartoonish ghost story told by Zachary about the ghost of Jeb, that is family horror fodder right there. Its just the events leading up to his appearance would give the censorship boards something to complain about.

As a stand alone script, its a decent story that works well up the sudden end. (Of course given the nature of the OWC its easy to see what happened there.) In terms of writing its very well put together both literally & structurally . I mentioned some technical issues below but most (as I stated) a purely pedantic hang ups and nothing more, the writing by and large is fresh, richly descriptive while maintaining the right degree of tightness and fluency so not to drag the read.

So, in short; good story, great writing, solid, coherent structure, true characters, murky target audience, unfinished ending.




Page by page reaction/opinion, etc

Aaarrgh, a Billy Ray Cyrus reference, should never be allowed, he is nothing but the leftovers of aborted devil spawn whose unfortunately being allowed to breed and producing that little cu?t (the aforementioned) Hannah Montana. However these are 11 year olds so it figures and I'd be lying if I didn't hum that redneck, cracker tune when it was first released.


Pg 3 - CHET
"I stole a joint from my brother." -- Does he have them pre rolled or what? It would be more realistic if he stole the makings of a joint from his stash or something. Most stoners are inherently lazy so bothering to roll a number of them in advance is not the norm unless preparing for a festival or a weekend away, you know.


Pg 4 - ZACHARY
Y'all should be scared. Devil's Eve
be a scary night in this here
graveyard. Ya best be on your way. – What the fu?k! Has Tanis somehow escaped from the “Soulshadows” realm and morphed into a grizzled old coot lurking Mt. Hope cemetery on Halloween night?? Just kidding, his way of speaking instantly reminded me of her but such is the Southern drawl.  

Are Billy Ray and Hannah known to perform in secondary southern towns like that? Was there a specific reason for you including and working them into the story (except the festival obligation) or is it just because they are popular?

Pg 9 - CHET
You'll like it in a few minutes when
you girls see the little surprise I
brought along. Huh, Luke?

Why is Chet so convinced that smoking a spliff will make the girls less conscious of their spooky surroundings? If anything it will make them more aware of it, you know weed induced paranoia an all that. I can see the logic in his thinking so much that it will relax them into being more “up for it” and they’ll think he’s cool for scoring it,  but in a cemetery, on Halloween night?? I reckon it would only exasperate any harboured feelings of anxiety or uneasiness, especially among two 16 year old girls. But then again Chet is also 16 so its understandable his mind would work this way.

Pg 10 - CHET
There we go! That's what I'm talkin'
'bout. See? What did old Chet tell
y'all? Pretty cool, ain't it? – Regardless of his misguided ideas of a romantic double date and the overbearing cockiness of his action/demeanour since we met him, I loved this cocksure announcement. Totally setting himself up for the big fall I’m sure but I enjoyed this self satisfying statement of grandeur nonetheless.

CHET
This, m'darlin' is the surprise.
Courtesy of my big brother, Toby. – Ha, I loved the use of “m’darlin’” reminds me of the Clementine song. I know this is meant to be a family horror but Chet has made me smile twice within the space of a page, not a bad thing either.

SAMANTHA
I have. We'll be just fine. Fire
that bad boy up. – Right on! Luke is on to a winner there.

The ending is extremely abrupt, as said by others. The page length unfortunately held you back with is one. There is frankly no conclusion here, more of a “to be continued…” moment. Which is a shame as I would have liked to see where this was going.



Technical Pedantry:

A significant amount of ellipses present in the dialogue throughout the script. Something which bothers some but I don’t really mind myself since I do my fair share of it. All in all I thought they were used to good effect and gave that all important sense of pacing and phrasing.

Given that the piece is predominately tension filled with the sense of impending dread, the ellipses do represent the uneasy feelings of the main characters in particular when talking to Zachary (a.k.a Tanis.)


Pg 1 - "A light breeze blows through the almost leafless trees, as the sun sets to the West." -- No need for a comma here, in my opinion. It would work perfectly fine as a continuous sentence.

Pg 1 - "An entrance gate is some twenty yards in front of them...and open. It SQUEAKS, as the wind blows."" -- I was never a fan of ellipses in descriptive, usually I limit it to dialogue but I've thawed out in recent times, good use of it here, which furthers my belief that it can and should be used in action.

Again I don't think there is a need for the comma after squeaks. Maybe it could be rearranged to "As the wind blow, it squeaks." no big deal.


Pg 1 - RICKY
"Shut up! Hannah Montana's really
pretty. I like her, too." -- Same as above, unnecessary comma before "too". If you say the line aloud and allow for a beat before "too" to signify the comma it doesn't sound right.

You got similar character names with Savannah, Samantha & of course Hannah Montana. For a second I thought Chet and Luke were looking to get Ricky’s 6 year old sister and her friend stoned and do nasty things to them in the graveyard. I quickly read back to confirm or deny. Thankfully that wasn’t where the script was headed.

To save confusion it might have been better to differentiate the name more clearly, again a small thing.

Pg 7 – “Savannah nods in excitement and her fear is forgotten.” – I’d take out the “and” here. A comma would read better.

“Can you clarify just a tad?” – Reads very awkwardly, he I talking to an 11 year old after all. The first line is sufficient.

DAD
Really. No kissin' girls, though
yet. – Clumsy phrasing again with the placement of the comma. How exactly do you want it to be spoken? (I realise this is going to be difficult over text) They way the sentence is structured doesn’t read properly to me.

Pg 9 - “Dad spins Ricky in the air.” – Wow, pretty strong father, this action is a little too vague, “spinning in the air could range from a simple twirl to a fully fledged circus trick, you know what I mean? An completely immaterial event in the course of the story, I know, it just stuck me when I read it as I found it difficult to visualise.

Pg 12 - DAD
“Just some Halloween funnin'.” “Funnin”, is that a word? I can gather what he means I just never heard it phrased like that before, maybe it’s me.

i don't see mom and dad loading the kids into the car to see something like this...teenage makeout scenes, smoking pot, guzzling cheap wine...cliched and sophomoric...did't meet the challenge unless your dad's name is cheech or chong...

This is probably one of my favorites. Disembodied skeletons always seem scary as a kid and then not so much. Nice to see one make a comeback and glowing, no less. I also loved Zachary's description of Jeb's "old bones" walking and seeing them with his own eyes. Good stuff. Reminded me of the original Fog, only it wasn't some old sea captain telling the story. This one had a little more pizazz.

I have a feeling I know who wrote this. Drugs, drinking, making out... seems standard if this is indeed the person I'm thinking of, only slightly toned down. No violence or nudity. Whoever this is, I think they did a good job. There's a sense of realism to the cliches. Still, doesn't meet the criteria. Fun... but not for the whole family.

I also thought this ended abruptly but strangely enough, I think if you had ended this with just Jeb's hand showing and the kids running off, it wouldn't worked better, even if it ended up being shorter than usual. Most of the old ghost stories ended this way. Just a sneak peak at the monster and then it's over. It didn't actually pan out this way here but it could've.

Anyway, good stuff!

This was certainly well written, but while the set up was excellent, it all seemed very rushed at the end - it just stops on a word! The "horror" element was fairly weak too, in my opinion.

Apart from the let down of the ending, which really needed more impact, this was nicely done though.

Great job! Really enjoyed this. With out a doubt, one of the best I've seen.
I do sort of lean on the side of shortening the beginning, to allow for a little bit more at the end. However, this is still a superb piece.

I kinda have mixed feeling on this one.

Generally it's good, but I feel the two plotlines don't really connect to each other. They only intersect outside of the cemetery, the characters from both stories don't even interact with each other!

Why do you make another subplot about Jacob's curiosity of kissing girl? It's brought up on one page and then it's resolved two pages after. I just don't get the point of that subplot.

There are too many characters in this short piece. Like 9, I think. The festival is just thrown in and is not tied to the main plot in the graveyard.

Overall, it's one of the better ones, but there seems to be some problems with the story and its structure. Good job though.

Quoted from Dreamscale Ah, now here we go.  Liked this one.  Well written and meets the challenge. Liked the characters and got a laugh with the Achy Breaky.  Dialogue seemed real, and I like the actual locations and southern flavor. Agree with both reviewers that it seems that the end was rushed, probably due to the page constraint.  I do like how it ends, though. Solid effort here.

Sorry Babe, but I completely DON'T AGREE with you thinking the dialogue is real!!!

Ya know. I just love the writer who wrote this. Whoever that might be.  ;) But I think it sucks when people don't think about their critiques and just offer blind praise.

Someone -- I don't know who, (I'd have to check) said that the dialogue was so "right on".

My Dear One, I love you and so look at this to help you:

>SAMANTHA
I have. We'll be just fine.

FIRE THAT UP BAD BOY!"

You have Samantha talking like a MAN!!!! Most ladies just DON'T TALK LIKE THAT!!!

They just don't! I dunno why, but we mostly don't!!! We say things like "PLEASE, CAN YOU DO THIS AND I LOVE YOU AND WANT TO FEEL YOU.... EMOTIONAL THINGS..." ...

So:

**Change Samantha's dialogue.

Women don't often speak this way. Yes, there are some exceptions, but they will often just make gestures, and be subtle and say things like:

*******
"I've smoked it before. I just feel like tonight will be special though."

The reason I say change the dialogue:

I say this because women, I think, from the ladies I know, and myself, we are more intuitive. We depend upon our men to "do these things" but we bring them these "feelings that we generate and can't process without their help".

***To conclude on that thought: Try and get inside of a woman's mind when you write female characters. Women are complicated creatures that have all kinds of reasons for doing the things that they do. (AND WHY THE HELL AM I TALKING ABOUT THIS IN WHAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE A FAMILY HORROROR CHALLENG?)...

My summation, is that you and I have both failed in this challenge for sure. We have not been thinking of 'THE  CHILDREN" and what they would enjoy watching on Halloween". We have slipped into our world of "Depravi....." Cant' remember it or I do not want to." ....

I'm sorry that I'm slow with this challenge, but I'm still loving it and loving you beautiful people!!!!!!!

One final word/words: The writer here, has no problems with structure and getting it DOWN!!!!!!!  They just need to open up and allow for FLEXIBILITY. They have trouble with leaving conventional boundaries and breaking rules... Even though they WANT TO BREAK THE RULES. What happens is they:

Stick with the TRIED AND TRUE and base their RIGHT/WRONG morality scale on something they conceived in their early life and sadly, they are having trouble getting through it.

This is an excellent script!!!! But I know that the Writer is capable of SO MUCH MORE!!!!

Love, (Here goes the honey and syrup, but I can't help it, sorry)

Sandra

Being a writer who likes to use pop culture references in my writing – I will defend your use of Hannah Montana.
And while, yes, it could easily be replaced with a generic version, not enough can be said about marketing (yes, even in a script) to spice up its commercial appeal and salability – (I’m definitely gonna have some dissension here)

The father and son conversation on page 7 was very heart-warming and came off as genuine.

I have to agree with the majority of opinion, the drug references screwed up the tone of this piece.

Overall, the set-up was natural but the ending was a let down. It ended too abruptly

The writer has a solid grasp of their fundamentals. But, what contributed to the abrupt ending was a lack of proper formatting. No FADE OUT, no denouement, it definitely felt like it was taken from a longer piece.

-electricsatori

Since the writers of the OWC entries are being revealed today, I decided I’d jump the gun a bit early.  I want to thank each and every one of you who read and provided feedback for my script.  It’s nice to see that most of you liked it.  For those of you who didn’t like it, expect a “trick” this Saturday night, that may be hand delivered by ol’ Jeb himself.

For the longer reviews, I’ll respond directly, but I want to take this opportunity to provide some back-story that may answer some questions posed, as well as a few other pieces of info.

As most noted, this was a tough OWC, as “family” and “horror” just doesn’t usually go hand and hand.  For some crazy reason, I immediately thought of Hannah Montana, and decided to integrate her into the script.  Originally, she was going to be the focus of either an alien abduction or a kidnapping.  Neither idea seemed to work, and I decided to keep her and her Pops, Billy Ray Cyrus, along for the ride anyways.  I did some research on them and wrote my story around that.

Mylie Cyrus currently lives in Franklin, Tennessee.  She was born outside of Nashville and grew up around this area.  That’s why she and her Dad are giving the free concert on Halloween night.

The information given by Zachary about Franklin’s history is all true.  The story of ol’ Jeb is purely fiction.  Franklin was ravaged during the Civil War, and is said to be the site of the bloodiest 15 minutes in American history, when the Second Battle of Franklin took place in 1864.

Mt. Hope Cemetery is 1 of 3 local Franklin cemeteries.  Jim Warren Park is an actual 58 acre recreational park in Franklin and has hosted big name concerts in the recent past.

Franklin, being just 30 miles south of Nashville, is in the heart of the old South.  The dialects of the characters were meant to embrace this, without going overboard.

I wanted there to be a believable back story for ol’ Jeb, and I wanted it to make sense why he was coming back when he did.  Franklin was founded in 1799, which didn’t quite work with any multiples to the present 2009.  So I had Jeb born 10 years later in 1809, and now had some nice multiples to work with.  I decided to go with a 50/50 multiple, as that seemed to work the best.  Jeb was killed when he was 50, in 1859, and he comes back every 50 years on that anniversary, Halloween night, meaning he’s been back in 1909, 1959, and now again in 2009.

The story starts out on October 30, the night before, which is why Zachary isn’t worried about being in the cemetery.  Originally, Zachary had a partner in Abraham, and they were both cemetery workers.  Due to page constraints, Abraham got cut out of the story, and Zachary’s employment remains up in the air.  I’d say he’s basically an old drunk now, as apposed to a cemetery worker.

I wanted to include some innocence as well as some not so innocent stuff.  As it became obvious I was running too long, I had a choice of either cutting out Ricky and his family stuff, or chop the ending a bit.  In wanting to keep things “Family Oriented” and PG13 rated, I chose to keep Ricky’s stuff about “kissin’ girls” over a chase scene with a violent outcome in the finale.  Actually, things end pretty much how I wanted them to, but an additional page sure would have helped and would have gotten rid of that “sudden” ending feeling, it now has.

I know a bunch of you said this was in no way family friendly material, based on a few things.  I disagree, and here’s why.  “The Goonies” is a classic family friendly film that borders on horror (due to the skeletons and even Sloth’s appearance).  If you haven’t seen it lately, you may be very surprised at the amount of swearing and adult themed jokes and gags.  To be a “Family” friendly theme, it has to appeal to the entire family.

In my script, there were references to smoking pot, but there wasn’t a hint of actual onscreen burning.  There was some underage drinking as well as two 16 year old couples making out, but nothing that a PG 13 movie wouldn’t contain.  No violence either, and a good message thrown in as well.

The making out was all tied into the question Ricky asked his Dad about kissing girls, as well as Jacob telling Ricky he had kissed a girl.  IMO, it was done in a family friendly kind of way, in that you just knew it wasn’t a good idea for those kids to do what they were doing in the graveyard.  An innocent spin on the “Rules” of horror, as told by the characters of “Scream”.

Although Chet and Luke were best buds, Luke was nothing like Chet.  He was much more of a follower, and was a much better person than old Chet.  Chet was the bad boy with a bad reputation.  This fact was brought up and played up earlier, but had to be cut out, again, due to page restraints.

Chet was indeed killed by ol’ Jeb and taken back to the grave.  This would have been shown onscreen if I had an extra page, but in thinking back about it, it may have made this pass into a non family friendly film if it was included.  The final scene with Ricky’s family driving home from the festival was supposed to be the final scene, as I wanted to tie Ricky back into the story.  Things started with Ricky and ended with Ricky.

Hope this adds a little, makes sense, and answers some questions.

Thanks again to all who participated in this OWC!

I had a sneaking suspicion it was you, Jeff, despite your claims of not having made the deadline!

When are the writers being revealed? - I thought it would have happened by now. I had thought we'd get more opportunity to speculate (we did in August, didn't we?) - and I wanted to see who wrote mine!

The only one I think I know, other than Sandra, who admitted it pretty quickly, is Alffy, who wrote "The Boy Who Cried" (I think!).

Until it is officially announced, I ain't saying which one is mine - just in case we do still get the opportunity to fling wild speculation about.

It's supposed to be today, Niles.  That's why I revealed.  Hope I'm not too far off.

Glad I fooled you with me missing the deadlien gag!  Had to try, at least...

Just wanted to say that you did good with this one, Jeff. Would like to read a "complete" version of this script - without the page restraints.

Hey Rob, I think a rewrite would be 13 -14 pages.  As I said, I really did intend on ending it the way I did.  There would be a bit more in the cemetery with the 4 kids and Jeb, and possibly a bit more in the actual festival.

Not sure I am going to rewrite it though.

Glad you liked it!  Thanks.

Jeff's pulling your leg again!!!!   I wrote this.






...teehee

What - didn't you write the one with the Killer Roos!!!!

GoreGore84 has revealed he wrote "Mayor Vamp", and Screenrider never made any secret of the fact that he wrote "Weclome to Hale". So that is, with Alffy and Sandra. what, five writers out of 29 we know about.

I would be very hard pushed to tell you who wrote the other 24 (apart from mine, obviously!) - I wasn't very good at it during the August one either!

I was really looking forward to someone speculating that I'd written "Mayor Vamp" or "The Boy Who Cried" or something! I don't suppose anyone would care to guess which one I did write? I don't think it would be very difficult to pick it out, really.

Quoted from Niles_Crane What - didn't you write the one with the Killer Roos!!!! GoreGore84 has revealed he wrote "Mayor Vamp", and Screenrider never made any secret of the fact that he wrote "Weclome to Hale". So that is, with Alffy and Sandra. what, five writers out of 29 we know about. I would be very hard pushed to tell you who wrote the other 24 (apart from mine, obviously!) - I wasn't very good at it during the August one either! I was really looking forward to someone speculating that I'd written "Mayor Vamp" or "The Boy Who Cried" or something! I don't suppose anyone would care to guess which one I did write? I don't think it would be very difficult to pick it out, really.

Just randomly, I'll go with "Bleeglebork". =)

You'd get a shock if I said you were right, wouldn't you!

Quoted from Niles_Crane You'd get a shock if I said you were right, wouldn't you!

You mean after a random guess based on a title, rather than not reading it yet? Yes. But, I'm sure I'm wrong.

Jeff

I don't know for sure, but I reckon if pot is brought up and referred to such affection as Chet does it wouldn't pass for a family film.

Unless you had some forced moral where smoking pot is really baaad, effects your decision making when negotiating a 100 year old ghost or fu?ks up your lungs so you can't run away from the said spectre, then maybe... But here the group are about to toke when the scene cuts…when we return they are getting down to business, so far so good, right.

Now Chet does complain of his “head spinnin” but its put down to him drinking the majority of the wine, not smoking the joint, that’s not mentioned again so I take it they enjoyed that particular vice.

All in all its more their brazenness of being in the cemetery in the first place that lands them in trouble not so much the drinking and to an even lesser degree the smoking. That’s why I reckon (of course I could be way off) the censors would have problem with passing this as a family drama.

Sandra – “Someone -- I don't know who, (I'd have to check) said that the dialogue was so "right on".

In my defence, I was referring to the sentiment of the line, not the believability of it. I liked the attitude of the girl and was thinking Luke was on to a winner with her, she seemed like she would be up for a good time (I am of course talking from the perspective of a 16 year old here, please, don’t report me. I've coincidentally just read "Lolita" and have it lying by my bed so a lot of explaining would have to be done if the authorities did call)

And for the record, I know girls (of my own age, I may add) who could easily say that, in playful gest or whatever. I don’t think its an entirely implausible thing to say by any means

I'm going to reply to Sandra's post later, as I completely disagree with her assessment of the dialogue, or what girls would and wouldn't say.

Col, you're right, I know and have known many girls of varying ages that have and do say things exactly like this.  Sandra is living in a different world up there in beautiful Alberta, Canada!

Col, the thing about a "family" rating is that there isn't one.  A family film would have to be G, PG, or PG 13 rated.  This is defintely a PG 13 rated script.  There are many, many references to drug use in PG movies...sometimes, they're even onscreen.  Again, check out "The Goonies" - there are multiple references to drug use.

In no way am I trying to say smoking weed is OK at any age, but in this regard, Chet stole the joint, and obviously stole a bottle of wine as well.  The other kids may have partaken, but it was Chet who was the ring leader, and it was Chet who paid the price at ol'd Jeb's skeletal hands.

What comes around, goes around!

Ya, I suppose it depends on where you are from in terms of the parental guidance ratings. But you must remember that The Goonies is nearly a quarter of a century old now and is commonly cited to as one of those dark "kids" films that seemed to  slip under the censor's radar at the time, even though Speilberg co-wrote so I don't know how. Ya, your script is pretty harmless in that department in comparison but I still reckon it could be borderline.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Ya, I suppose it depends on where you are from in terms of the parental guidance ratings. But you must remember that The Goonies is nearly a quarter of a century old now and is commonly cited to as one of those dark "kids" films that seemed to  slip under the censor's radar at the time, even though Speilberg co-wrote so I don't know how. Ya, your script is pretty harmless in that department in comparison but I still reckon it could be borderline.

It didn't really slip through as much as it seems. At that point, they had PG-13, so if it had been made in '84 or earlier, it would've slipped by even further. =)

Ol' Jeb's bones come a walkin'

I'd agree that this would probably fall into the PG-13 realm. Jack Black's classic School of Rock has a drug oriented scene...Besides, at 13, in my opinion, parents need to be talking to their kids about abusing drugs and alchohol, cause it is certainly around them in middle school.

Quoted from Blakkwolfe I'd agree that this would probably fall into the PG-13 realm. Jack Black's classic School of Rock has a drug oriented scene...Besides, at 13, in my opinion, parents need to be talking to their kids about abusing drugs and alchohol, cause it is certainly around them in middle school.

I was in Middle School in 77/78, and boy was there drug usage around us!  Across from the Middle School was an alley by the pizza shop, and every day in 77, before school, that alley was so full of smoke it wasn't funny!  We must have been one of the first 'just say no' classes, because when we became the 8th graders, and the previous class moved up to High School, the alley was empty every morning.

I graduated High School in 81, so it was 75-77 when I was in Middle School.  There wasn't much drug use in Middle School, but in High School, there was defintely some.  Not as much as you might think, though.  I, of course, was an innocent one.  Althought I did "try" pot in High School, it wasn't until College that I first got "Stoned".

And...yes...the rest is history...

  

I'm outnumbered here, Jeff so I have to concede that this would qualify for the appropriate rating thus meeeting the OWC challenge. Maybe its the burgeoning conservative coming out in me, got to control that beast.

I wanted to address a few of the more in depth reviews, so here goes…

BALTIS
Thanks, Balt for the solid and well thought out review.  Glad this worked for you.

Good points about the sun setting stuff.  It is redundant, and an entire line could go there.

Chet, Luke, and everyone are talkin’ Southern style.  It is set in 2009 on 10/30 and 10/31.  These here are good ol’ Southern folk.

BTW, I absolutely LOVE Eddie and Iron Maiden…still to this day, one of my all time faves!  Just damn good music.

You’re right, Balt, the ending was a bit abrupt but there really isn’t much more to the story. I’d just add about a page, page and a ½ and have a little more fun in the cemetery with Jeb terrorizing the kids, and taking Chet back into the grave with him.

Thanks again, Balt.  I appreciate it.
.
LC
Thanks Libby!  With an extra page or so, you would have gotten your FADE IN, FADE OUT, more Zachary, more of the legend, and more action in the cemetery.  The last “throw away” line is from Mom, and refers back to watching scary movies.  I actually wanted it to end on a joke, to keep things as kid friendly as I can get.

ROB
Thanks, Rob.  I appreciate the read as I know you’re not a big OWC guy.  Yeah, I did run out of pages.

Good point about the interior of the cemetery. I actually remember thinking about that phrase and not really liking it.  I didn’t really like the whole Slug about the “Central Mausoleum” either.

Originally, Zachary had a partner in Abraham, and they were cemetery workers, but Abe got cut and Zachary turned into an old bum, basically.

I actually wanted to use clichés, but use them a bit differently.  Glad they seemed to work for you.  

Yeah, I definitely had to include Billy Ray and his Achey Breaky.  I got a good laugh as I wrote that part.

Thanks, Rob.

CORNETTO
Thanks, Michael.  I can’t change Hannah Montana’s name, as obviously everything’s set around her and her home town of Franklin.  You are aware of who she is, right?  When I first read your review, I wondered if you thought I just made up that name.  Funny…

Thank you to everyone else who read and commented as well!

Sandra and Col will get their won responses since their reviews were the longest.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Jeff I don't know for sure, but I reckon if pot is brought up and referred to such affection as Chet does it wouldn't pass for a family film. Unless you had some forced moral where smoking pot is really baaad, effects your decision making when negotiating a 100 year old ghost or fu?ks up your lungs so you can't run away from the said spectre, then maybe... But here the group are about to toke when the scene cuts…when we return they are getting down to business, so far so good, right. Now Chet does complain of his “head spinnin” but its put down to him drinking the majority of the wine, not smoking the joint, that’s not mentioned again so I take it they enjoyed that particular vice. All in all its more their brazenness of being in the cemetery in the first place that lands them in trouble not so much the drinking and to an even lesser degree the smoking. That’s why I reckon (of course I could be way off) the censors would have problem with passing this as a family drama. Sandra – “Someone -- I don't know who, (I'd have to check) said that the dialogue was so "right on". In my defence, I was referring to the sentiment of the line, not the believability of it. I liked the attitude of the girl and was thinking Luke was on to a winner with her, she seemed like she would be up for a good time (I am of course talking from the perspective of a 16 year old here, please, don’t report me. I've coincidentally just read "Lolita" and have it lying by my bed so a lot of explaining would have to be done if the authorities did call) And for the record, I know girls (of my own age, I may add) who could easily say that, in playful gest or whatever. I don’t think its an entirely implausible thing to say by any means

Yes, you're correct. It's not implausible by any means. Some women will speak like that. The thing is, that I know Jeff. And I'm hearing Jeff. Now, if the character was written to speak that way, that's a completely different thing.

I find it even interesting that a single character can fall completely out of their own character at times and why this happens. I'm speaking in real life. It's actually very very interesting.  ;D

Fire that bad boy up!  ;D

Sandra

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. Yes, you're correct. It's not implausible by any means. Some women will speak like that. The thing is, that I know Jeff. And I'm hearing Jeff.

-- I thought the whole point of the OWC was anonymity? That scripts would be judged purely on merit and nothing else. Which, by the way, should always be the case regardless of who wrote them.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 -- I thought the whole point of the OWC was anonymity? That scripts would be judged purely on merit and nothing else. Which, by the way, should always be the case regardless of who wrote them.

Silly Wabbit. Wouldn't release the name unless I knew the names had already been released or if the person was outed already.  ;D In this case, the names have already been released.

Sandra

Sandra

Apologies if I didn't explain myself more clearly. But the point I'm trying to make is that your judgement on the authenticity of the dialogue used was influenced by your prior knowledge of the writer's identity, not that you had given it away.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Sandra Apologies if I didn't explain myself more clearly. But the point I'm trying to make is that your judgement on the authenticity of the dialogue used was influenced by your prior knowledge of the writer's identity, not that you had given it away.

It is not a problem. This indeed might be a bit of a problem for Jeff at times, because I've seen it happen in other work also. We all do this sometimes and sometimes it's legit and good to do so, all depending upon the character we're writing.

The truth is all characters are very different as we know, even as many of us are stereotypes in some form or another, there are certain things that make us who we are. So I guess what I'm saying, is when we write a line of dialogue or a piece of action, we need to be writing from a point of view of context, and certainly, without that, we wind up missing an essential ingredient.

I don't think it's a problem unless we aren't actively seeking to enter out of our own individual comfort zones. I would like to try to do that myself. We shall see how it pans out in the next project that is yet to take lift off.

Anyways, good work, Jeff. I'll offer a bit more:

I think here:

>CHET
Let's hear it, old timer.
Zachary takes another slug.

ZACHARY
Well, back in 1809, Abram Maury, the
founder of Franklin, had a bastard
son out of wedlock, named Jeb. The
townsfolk wasn't too keen

***Zachary begins too easily and swiftly.
I'd like to see Zachary, begin from a
bit of a moment of recollection. I'd like
to see him in more of a character role, rather
than just "telling" the story that we need to
know.

I understand we're dealing with space issues, but
I thought I'd offer.
In my opinion, after giving this a second read, I feel that if you lost some of this:

RICKY
Dad...can I ask you a question?
Dad smiles down, as he pulls out sodas and sandwiches.

DAD
Of course, you can, son. What's up?
Ricky shifts uneasily from foot to foot.

RICKY
Well, I wanted to ask about, uh,
kissin' girls...like when is it OK?
Dad laughs out loud and rubs Ricky's thick head of hair.

DAD
Huh? Where's that coming from, sport?
Can you clarify just a tad?
Ricky looks up nervously, rubs his eyes.

RICKY
Well...Jacob told me he kissed a
girl and said that I wouldn't know
how to do it. I was just wonderin'...

DAD
Listen, son, when the time is right,
you'll know it. Doesn't matter how
old you are or what your friends
tell you. You'll know it, and you
don't need to worry about anythin'
that Jacob or anyone else says...OK?

(Which there's nothing inherently wrong with it) but you could concentrate more on Chet and Luke.

Maybe show what happened to old Jeb rather than only by telling it through dialogue. To see that happen, would generate a sympathy for Jeb, and maybe when Jeb comes back, it's for people who are disrespectful of the dead or something like that. I don't know, but this story needs something else to make it rise above cliché.

No big problems here. I'm just looking for us all to dig as deep as we can.

Sandra

OK, guess I need to respond here.

First of all, thanks Col for sticking up for me here.  Sandra, not that it matters, but since I PM’d you, asking for a read, you were definitely aware it was my script you were reading.  Would you have known it was mine on your own?  Who knows…a few SS’s did seem to pick out my style.

I’m not sure exactly what you mean, when you say “This indeed might be a bit of a problem for Jeff at times, because I've seen it happen in other work also. We all do this sometimes and sometimes it's legit and good to do so, all depending upon the character we're writing.”

Are you saying that my characters always sound/seem the same?  I’ll be the first to admit that some of my characters are much alike, but I do not agree that it’s a problem or that it’s something I can’t deal with.  In the case of this script, all these characters were Southern, and spoke in a slang I have personally never used before…so I’m a bit confused exactly what you’re saying.

As for “actively seeking to enter out of our own individual comfort zones”, again, I’m a bit confused.  I definitely write about what I like and characters that I would like.  I don’t see that changing and I don’t see it as a problem, either.  As apposed to staying within a comfort zone, I’d say it’s more like the age old adage, write what/who you know.

Much of Zachary’s dialogue had to be cut out due to the page constraint, as I mentioned earlier.  Zachary’s character, sorry to say is exactly that…he’s here to tell the tale, and there simply wasn’t any room for him to be any more.

The entire thing with Ricky and his Dad is because Ricky is the main character.  We start with him and we end with him.  The world here, for the most part, is through his young, innocent eyes.  I realize this is not standard structure, but I doubt you’ll ever read a script from me that is.  I like to write outside the box and always try to give a script my own unique twist, per se.

I wanted to show Ricky’s little slice of life and weave in a family friendly tone, while still involving some scares, some swearing, some teen sex, drinking, and drug use.  Actually Don, hit the nail on the head when he said decided to let his son read it, because there was a moral about what happens to those “who are bad”.  That’s definitely why Chet got killed and the others escaped.  Chet was the “problem child”, and for that, Chet paid with his life.

I didn’t want there to be any real sympathy for Jeb…more like fear.  Once again, didn’t have room to even consider “showing” what happened to Jeb, as apposed to using Zachary to tell us.

There are indeed many clichés here, as I mentioned earlier.  They were purposely used, but used in a way that I think is a bit different than what you’ll usually see.  Obviously, it didn’t work for you, and I apologize for that.  I always do try and dig as deep as I can.  I think I’m most likely digging in a different quarry than you are, though, Sandra.  And that’s OK, right?

Quoted from Dreamscale OK, guess I need to respond here. First of all, thanks Col for sticking up for me here.  Sandra, not that it matters, but since I PM’d you, asking for a read, you were definitely aware it was my script you were reading.  Would you have known it was mine on your own?  Who knows…a few SS’s did seem to pick out my style. I’m not sure exactly what you mean, when you say “This indeed might be a bit of a problem for Jeff at times, because I've seen it happen in other work also. We all do this sometimes and sometimes it's legit and good to do so, all depending upon the character we're writing.” Are you saying that my characters always sound/seem the same?  I’ll be the first to admit that some of my characters are much alike, but I do not agree that it’s a problem or that it’s something I can’t deal with.  In the case of this script, all these characters were Southern, and spoke in a slang I have personally never used before…so I’m a bit confused exactly what you’re saying. As for “actively seeking to enter out of our own individual comfort zones”, again, I’m a bit confused.  I definitely write about what I like and characters that I would like.  I don’t see that changing and I don’t see it as a problem, either.  As apposed to staying within a comfort zone, I’d say it’s more like the age old adage, write what/who you know. Much of Zachary’s dialogue had to be cut out due to the page constraint, as I mentioned earlier.  Zachary’s character, sorry to say is exactly that…he’s here to tell the tale, and there simply wasn’t any room for him to be any more. The entire thing with Ricky and his Dad is because Ricky is the main character.  We start with him and we end with him.  The world here, for the most part, is through his young, innocent eyes.  I realize this is not standard structure, but I doubt you’ll ever read a script from me that is.  I like to write outside the box and always try to give a script my own unique twist, per se. I wanted to show Ricky’s little slice of life and weave in a family friendly tone, while still involving some scares, some swearing, some teen sex, drinking, and drug use.  Actually Don, hit the nail on the head when he said decided to let his son read it, because there was a moral about what happens to those “who are bad”.  That’s definitely why Chet got killed and the others escaped.  Chet was the “problem child”, and for that, Chet paid with his life. I didn’t want there to be any real sympathy for Jeb…more like fear.  Once again, didn’t have room to even consider “showing” what happened to Jeb, as apposed to using Zachary to tell us. There are indeed many clichés here, as I mentioned earlier.  They were purposely used, but used in a way that I think is a bit different than what you’ll usually see.  Obviously, it didn’t work for you, and I apologize for that.  I always do try and dig as deep as I can.  I think I’m most likely digging in a different quarry than you are, though, Sandra.  And that’s OK, right?

No. It's NOT OK, Jeff. Listen to me. Lie down and take it!!!!

Ooops. Sorry. Wrong world.  ;D I thought I was in the sexual room that was just built for ... for sexual.

Seriously, I think,  ;) but I might be just on the verge of a lie. But seriously, on the verge of a lie, I think you and I are very much the same. We are only taking different approaches to this whole "thing".

Oh gawd!!! If I wrote what actually goes on in my world, I don't know what would happen. Living your character to bring them to life is one thing, but....

Living your character in reality???!!! That can totally mess with your already messed up mind.  ;) (If some of my scripts ever get made, I think Dave is right about moving to the Caribbean or "some place" out there. I don't know how to "deal" with what is there. My shame can't figure the limits. and... Limits are broken by shame.

Sandra

Dream,

You hooked me from the start with the graveyard. I am a sucker for the elusive invisible line between the living and the afterlife. What better place to stage your script. I thought the writing was very good from the very start.

It comes across as innocent yet scary. You show why the writing you present is always admired on the site. It was clear and fast giving it a feel from page to page of seamless motion.

The ending came too quickly. That's not meant as an indictment but a request for more.  

Thanks for the fun read and sorry for the delay reading it. Been very busy.

Take care.
Shawn.....><

Hey Shawn...thanks so much for the read and feedback.  Totally appreciate it!  Glad you liked it.

Yeah, the end came too quick, but I totally ran out of space, as I've said a few times.

I defintley tried to weave both scary and innocent...glad it came through that way.

I'll give your script a read...sorry for not doing it right off the bat.  You're a good guy, dude.  Thanks!  Late!

I enjoyed this Jeff, the two different stories intertwined nicely, not over complicating things. If it wasnt for the alcohol and drugs, I'm sure this would be something you see on 'Are you afraid of the Dark' type programmes for kids/teens.

Only bit of confusion I had was the beginning, why were the two lads running and screaming? Kind of baffled me since its a day prior to them seeing Jeb.

The dialogue was realistic and the action scenes seemed well paced. Well done, Jeff.

Not to my taste with the sheer mildness of Horror, but I think that's due to watching too many scary movies. :)

Thanks, Muse.  Appreciate the read.  The theme was family horror, so I had to keep things toned down, which is not my cup of tea either.

Chet and Luke were running and screaming in the beginning to scare Ricky and Jacob...they're A-Holes, basically.

Thanks again!

Quoted from Dreamscale Thanks, Muse.  Appreciate the read.  The theme was family horror, so I had to keep things toned down, which is not my cup of tea either. Chet and Luke were running and screaming in the beginning to scare Ricky and Jacob...they're A-Holes, basically. Thanks again!

haha, I don't think family horror theme is anyone's cup of tea, Jeff. :D

If you love the Horror genre, It's either go full on, or nothing at all.

So, I promised to read this one some time ago.  When was it?  Halloween?  Guess I've been a little busy, but few complain over a late bump, I suppose.

It was nice to see you working without blood on your hands, so to speak.  To see that you can do it.  The dialogue was the strong point to me in this one, building a sense of subtle menace that almost delivers its promised payoff -- though we are left wanting a bit more.

The trouble is that this one ends on a dime -- of the sort where you are left scrolling while the page does not move.

I know that you often struggle to get your OWC scripts to fit, and for my money, you spend way too much time at the concert.  I see what you are trying to do, I suppose, but it is actually a distraction from the story you are really trying to tell -- in the graveyard.

I do not know if you ever plan to return to this one, but I would have Ricky shun the concert, then sneak off with Jacob to the graveyard for some Halloween antics.  I would bring Zachary back into the action, too.

Stir all of these characters back into the story-pot -- in this locale -- as that is where the real heart of your story is.  There was nothing wrong with the concert scene -- nothing at all -- but viewed objectively, it is thumb-twiddling that does nothing to move the story.

Hey Bert!  Thanks so much for the read and comments. Always appreciated.  Yeah, we did talk about you reading this awhile ago.  Always love the late bumps!

I agree with everything you said, except I do like the concert parts.  I really tried to cut these back, but the stuff I wanted to get across just took too much space.  I wanted to set the scene with visuals of the Halloween theme, and the family cutesy stuff, and...well, I ran out of room, obviously.

Glad you seemed to like it.  I've always really liked this script, and remember exactly how I went about coming up with it.  I did a shitload of research on the area, once I settled in on the core story, and the fact that I wanted Hannah Montana and her Pops there at the "Festival".  I knew a bunch of people would be turned off by her, but I seem to like trying to incorporate irritating things in with what I'm trying to get across.  Weird, I know.

Yeah, some day, I would like to polish this up, and I think I'll expand it to about 14-15 pages.  Although I like your idea, I don't think I'll go that route.  I really like the end with the family in the car and the "innocent" nature of it.  We'll see though.

Thanks again, my friend!  Take care.

Jeff,

Had a looksee here. May be my new fave of yours. I liked watching you work with your hands constrained from a "shitload of killing" - you logline to fade.

This read fast. Had good tension in it. The old cemetary keeper created it with the legend. That.s spooky shit.

I agree the concert wat too long. Miley's dad playing added nothing to this. Good work. I wasn't browsing the boards on this OWC. Glad I saw this.

James

To get in the spirit of Halloween I revisited some of the old October OWC's.   Came across this little gem.  I really enjoyed it, but then the ending just kinda dropped off.   Other than that you covered a lot of ground in twelve pages.   Good job.

Thanks for resurrecting this, Michael.  I always really liked this one.  It did end way too fast, as I just ran out of time and pages.

Looking forward to next week's OWC!!!!

Wow...never saw this one before. Very good.....dialogue...saw other comments about the ending and agree...but the dialogue is right on!