Bleeglebork by Hyam Gone - Short, Family Horror - At the Monteville Fright Fest, strange things happened. . . - pdf, format 8)

Not bad...pretty good even.  You met the challenge for sure, and even intro'd some good characters.

The end was the weakest part, IMO, but you did end it with your recurring joke.

A good effort here.

You know, i liked this one. It had that typical American feel, with the characters and dialogue.
when they were in the Space Odyssey and something was wrong, I was waiting (hoping?) that the ride took off into space, so Mikey could meet up with some aliens!!

But the aliens coming to Earth was good too.

Ok, I've read 12 so far. That's enough for one day!

Feels like rushed a bit.
p1 - Mikey is going to vent about how his husban... (I understand it but at first this bit confused me)
p2 YouR brother - as opposed to You're brother...

Then on p2 you have "The two boys run across the street to the lawn," - shouldn't it be "The three boys", Nick, Drew and Mickey?

What's interesting it srikes me as a very well written entry written by an experienced writer and thus rushed! If it wasn't well written I wouldn't complain.

But I liked the entry very much. A touching story about friendship and you did a very good job on narrative... Perfect flow, I think. If I was 10 I'd enjoy it a lot (I do at my age too).

Good one. Light hearted but it took a while to get going. The Star Wars references were much appreciated. Great how you wove the characters together. Lexi was Megan's older sister, etc.  A little cliched with aluminum and aliens appearing on/near Hallloween.

Gary

BTW, aren't all clowns demented?

I thought this one had it's humourous moments.  It was just about right for a family type film.  It wasn't really horror but it did happen during a Halloween festival.  

I had a couple of issues with it though.  First, it was a bit slow moving and I never really got to feel anything for the characters - perhaps there were too many.   I think you did a great deal to set up the story but I don't think you actually delivered one.  Why do the aliens want to meet him?  It's probably in there and I missed it or I just didn't get it.

Anyway, good job.

***OO

Man, they have a way better Fall Festival in Monteville than we have in Barberton!  Roller Coasters and games and junk?!  Very cool.

I liked this one a bunch.  I really liked Mikey, and actually could relate to him, in fact.  The characters were realistic in the way they treated each other, and the dialog was very natural.

Well done!

Wonder if he's related to Zaphod somewhere along the line, or perhaps one of his heads.

Very good, although the continuing potty gag would probably offend some US parents, but the kids love bathroom humor. More Sci Fi than horror; as the aliens didn't seem particularly menacing or spooky.

Liked the dialogue and the characters, good descriptions that are not overdone, although the pirate wasn't quite sure if he was speaking piratey or a 1776 town crier (kind of worked in his geeky character, though)

It's a documented fact that aluminum repels alien mind rays. Nice reference, and the Megan as Princess Leia was cute.


SPOOKY SPOILERS

The outcome after the Space Oddessy ride (one of the most vicious circle rides of all time) was a bit predictable, as with the Close Encounters kind of clouds rolling in and such. ALthough, given the intended young adult audience, I think this works as part of reading at this level is adding up the clues to see if it does result in the predicted outcome. For the rest of us though, we saw it coming. Suspected his dad might have something to do with the story, seeing that he was some sort of scientist (having run off with his lab partner) Maybe in the backstory somewhere. Good job!

This was very well written, but as I have a sneeking suspicion I know who wrote it, it should be!

But I felt it was a bit of a let down - the build up to the ride was excellent, but then the arrival of the aliens and the denouement was distinctly flat. And while it may well have been set at a Halloween Festival, I would not describe this in any way as being a "family horror" story - it was far too whimiscal for a start, let alone the fact that it was SF.

Still a good effort though.

I think that you did a good job with the story here and I think kids would like to watch this for many reasons, and one especially, the idea of going on spacecraft and going somewhere "out there". Also, the fact that the alien helps Mikey look like the hero in the end.

I don't see anything wrong with this one. Not really horror, but who cares. Solid job!!!

Sandra

This is a pretty good script. Very nice writing, I must say.

The story is mostly for kids, and there isn't much horror. I don't think that alien encounter is horror at all. Even kids won't be scared by that. But it has all the vibes of a fantastical journey.

I liked the story but it can be tightened just a little bit more. There are some places that seem to take longer than it needs. Examples are the bantering between Drew and Mikey at the fairground and the water-shooting game. It would be better if there is more scenes at the Space Odyssey and the alien encounter.

I wish there could be some explanation why the aliens arrive to look for Mikey. They just seem to arrive, find Mikey, and then leave. I guess this is traveling and sight-seeing for aliens?

One more thing, you forgot to mention that people are frozen when Mikey came out of the ride. I only knew that from Mikey's dialogue.

But overall, I enjoyed it. Very good job!

Quoted from Coding Herman This is a pretty good script. Very nice writing, I must say. The story is mostly for kids, and there isn't much horror. I don't think that alien encounter is horror at all. Even kids won't be scared by that. But it has all the vibes of a fantastical journey. I liked the story but it can be tightened just a little bit more. There are some places that seem to take longer than it needs. Examples are the bantering between Drew and Mikey at the fairground and the water-shooting game. It would be better if there is more scenes at the Space Odyssey and the alien encounter. I wish there could be some explanation why the aliens arrive to look for Mikey. They just seem to arrive, find Mikey, and then leave. I guess this is traveling and sight-seeing for aliens? One more thing, you forgot to mention that people are frozen when Mikey came out of the ride. I only knew that from Mikey's dialogue. But overall, I enjoyed it. Very good job!

No doubt that the writer of this is strong and professional. Bet they just whipped it off when we work like dogs.  ;D

Sandra

I enjoyed this story.  There was a problem with Mikey winning the mask at the Pirate booth with Megan and then she hands him his mask and asks where he got it when Drew tossed it down on the ground.    You might want to change that part.

I have a hard time writing "horror"...especially with it needing to be a fmaily flick...(I got a lot of those comments myself), but I think the instructions said that strange things happen at a festival...and there's no doubt...that was fullfilled with this script. How far can we go with horror and still have it be family viewable?  I don't know :)  

Great job and nice writing.

Morgan

Quoted from MBCgirl I enjoyed this story.  There was a problem with Mikey winning the mask at the Pirate booth with Megan and then she hands him his mask and asks where he got it when Drew tossed it down on the ground.    You might want to change that part. I have a hard time writing "horror"...especially with it needing to be a fmaily flick...(I got a lot of those comments myself), but I think the instructions said that strange things happen at a festival...and there's no doubt...that was fullfilled with this script. How far can we go with horror and still have it be family viewable?  I don't know :)   Great job and nice writing. Morgan

How to make it like:

Pleasing as "sit-down-as-a-family" and watch something gruesome is something that is causing us all to smack our heads against a concrete wall.  And yet!!!! ...

Somehow I get it!!!! And it would take a helluva lot of words and a lot more crazy stories that you all couldn't possibly want to trudge through to tell.

I'm so glad you're back my dear Morganna!!!!

Love to you,

Sandra

Thanks to the 11 people who reviewed my short.  I had fun writing it.  Had the idea in my head all week but was very busy and ended up having to write it pretty quick.  The problem with that is, I had to rush the ending.  Ugh.  Ran out of room and had no time to make cuts.  

Had fun again though.  And really enjoyed reading what others came up with.  :)

Marnie, I liked your script, and thought it was defintely in the top 7 or 8.

I was surprised with how few reviews it garnered.  I think your title was the biggest problem here.  I also thought that it was a bit lackluster, but when all was said and done, it delivered.  I was pretty sure you ran out of pages or time.  It defintely fit teh challenge, but fell a little short in the "horror" department.

Good effort for sure!