Dear Boy by Kay Sera - Short, Family Horror - Bobby, a rambunctious and sensitive boy feels misunderstood at home and escapes on Halloween. He soon finds that the world outside can be just as complicated.  - pdf, format 8)

It was just okay.

The dialogue felt a little too ‘on the nose’ which made for a simple, but uninteresting, story. In a story, the characters create the plot and I did not feel as though these characters were interesting.

His initial meeting with Cecelia should have been the first door he knocked on. It would have contributed to a genuine character arc where he learns a lesson (for example, not to sneak out). As it was, there was no real character growth.

Why would he drink the water if it wasn’t poison, or some type of brew designed to turn him into a doll? That would have heightened the tension. He has to find a cure and defeat her at the same time. It would have raised the stakes and made me care about the outcome.

As it was, I was not really concerned with the outcome. There was little tension and I did not feel sympathetic to the characters.

-electricsatori

Nope, this didn't work for me either.  Nothing to do with a festival and it seems a bit too dark to work for family horror.

The writing is a big problem here.  Lots of unneccessary asides, some directing going on, some poorly written POV's, a 6 line passage, actual numbers being used, etc.

No one seemed remotely real and the dialogue as well didn't work.

Good effort, but not my cup of tea, sorry to say.

This was interesting...not sure what to think...the writing style was off...too much telling...not enough showing.

It had some positive aspects but landed short of predictable.

Morgan

Have to agrre with Jeff - way too dark for family horror. Ok, it's not meant to be that way but it comes over that way. Kiddies would be scared shitless by some of it. Probaly some adults too...

The writing was adequate. The first coupleof scenes ahd very forced dialogue which didn't auger well for the rest of the script.

Like all the entries, good try.

I thought this was an interesting enough story - loved the bit with the mannequins - maybe a bit on the adult side of family horror but definitely within the realm.  

There were a couple of things that didn't work for me.  First was that he went off with the witch so easily - I didn't find that believable in this day and age.  Second, that you tried to lighten the story with snappy dialogue and a hero-y sort of ending.  I guess I didn't mind the hero-y ending as much as the snappy dialogue (It just seemed like a change of character to me).

All in all this was a good job though I would have liked the whole thing to be as creepy as the mannequins.

***OO

way too creepy for me when I was Bobby's age, I can tell you that.  Overall not a bad tale, and the premise was very cool.  It was lacking in the Fall Festival department, and I think he was gone long enough that the dad, even as bad a dad as he seemed to be, would have at least noticed Bobby was gone.

Overall I'd say this one was okay, but a little too creepy for the younger family members.

This was pretty good.  No festival, so falls outside the lines of this OWC.  Too much overdescription here and there.  Some good scares, especially with the little kids frozen as mannequins.  Almost felt like a kiddie action movie at the end there, which was cool.  A witch gets offed by a teddy bear.  Never seen that before.

Nice little story for one week's notice.

Cute. (I know I hate the word too but that's all I got). Mannequins were creepy. Some troubles with descriptions "razor street." Hard to believe that Bobby would go with Cecelia so easily. The binocular opening had nothing to do with the rest of the story. No festival. Horror was good but short-lived.

Not bad for a OWC.

Gary

No festival here but sotry wise it was pretty cool.  there were parts that I really liked.  You set up a creepy vibe and there was some humor as well.  Parts of it felt more like a short story, especially your opening page.  Descriptions were a bit too long and involved.  And the dialog between Bobby and the Witch was cute but dragged in a few places.  I liked the visuals, the mannequins were crazy, especially when they ended up being kids.  It would have been cool to have some back story on that, like when Bobby and his brother were bickering one of them could mention about kids that go missing every year...

Some of the format was a bit off like...Why no page numbers?  And the dialog length was totally scattered.  

You missed the festival theme but you got a cool story out of the challenge.  :)

I thought rather unpleasant, truth be told - creepy in another sense of the word. In this day and age, children being kidnapped off has leaves a nasty taste in the mouth.

Bobby came across far too mature - the bit when he kills the witch was like a mini Arnie!

And as has been pointed out, what was the point of the drink if it in fact played to part in the story?

There was some good imagery - the room full of frozen children for example. And it was definitely well written - but it did not appeal to me at all.

What's a "two by two" direction?

I liked your writing and Bobby. Actually liked Bobby a lot - he sounds so natural and smart and fun, all the time...

I think you have great imagination, you kept me entertained throughout.

The only thing - how many manequins were there and when did she gathered them? That part gave your script a fairy tale, hard to believe, feel... - the setting is present time however, but that part doesn't blend properly, I think.

Very nice flow. Out of multiple "brothers' feud" ideas (here this time) I liked yours the best. Very good job I think.

I liked this. A very entertaining story. It left me on the edge of my seat for most of the script. I liked the characters, the setting, the dialogues.

The only thing that left me a bit unsatisfied is the resolution. How did Bobby's saying: "Can you fly?" causes the witch's mishap? I was expecting the witch is going to show Bobby that she can fly and provides Bobby a chance to run away. The resolution you have now seems come out of nowhere and too easy.

Overall, this is a very good job.

I don't know if the night sky is ever coral blue. Maybe in Alaska or something. Simplicity is good. Instead of Young Bobby being a boy of nine years, suggest YOUNG BOBBY, 9,. White space on the page is a valuable commodity.

Avoid the passive, -ing words. Suggest instead of the "a Buck, huge head, ambling throughout the scene." change it to "ambles." Also, "He’s clutching a filled duffel bag." He clutches....and so on.

"Because daddy says we’re too much trouble for one person." This is from Jack, his thirteen year old brother? Daddy? Really? Naww...It'd be Dad, Pa, the Ol' man.

My son is ten. When asked if he would consider ditching his Jedi costume for a cuddly bear outfit, he replied, barely looking up from Lego Batman to respond with "What?! Are you crazy?" So why would Bobby at nine?

Storywise, nothing new here. Had Cecelia been an extremely smokin' hot twentysomething, well that opens up an entire other line of motivation instead of the standard, ho-hum stereotypical witchery.

It was an entry, it was done in a week and dealt with Halloween (Not a festival, however.) Nothing much else positive to say, unfortunately.

At first, I thought this was going to "oh no, not the banter again", but after I got through the initial dialogue that really wasn't good with Jack and Bobby, I was very impressed.

I thought you did a good job with the story and it would really creep kids out.

Here:

>JACK
It’s not fair I have to hear
all your complaining. But I do it.
God knows I should be paid for every
grumble or nitpick.

That sounds like it should be me.  ;D

Seriously, I enjoyed this one. Just work on a little bit of consistency with the dialogue. You've got some really good moments, but then some really bad ones too.

A nice effort,

Sandra