Demon Casino by James DeRienzo - Action/Adventure - Sometimes evil comes wrapped in a pretty package. 101 pages - pdf, format 8)

I have to ask, did someone teach you how to write scripts or did you teach yourself? I ask this because it seems like you tried to teach yourself how to write a script and it backfired.

Why are your action lines sometimes fully capitalized? This is not needed at all. Letters in all caps should be in action lines to introduce characters.

I noticed that "Demon Casino WGA/w Registered" is at the bottom of each page. I am not an expert, but I think it is only needed on the first page. It is a waste of space for it to be on every page.

Don't you see something wrong with this? -

"FADE IN:
EXT.  NIGHT WE SEE JOHN WALKING ALONE IN A TRAILER PARK.
HOLDING A BROWN PAPER BAG.  HE ENTERS IS OWN SINGLE WIDE
TRAILER.  ON THE FRONT DOOR IS A DREAM CATCHER.  HE TAKES IT
OFF THE DOOR AND ENTERS.  TOSS THE DREAM CATCHER ON TO A
PILE BY THE FRONT DOOR.  THE INTERIOR REFLECTS NOTHING OF
THE INDIAN WAY OF LIFE BESIDE WHAT MUST BE A HUNDRED OR SO
DREAM CATCHERS ALL OVER THE PLACE.  JOHN GOES ABOUT HIS
BUSINESS, TAKING OFF HIS CLOTHES CHANGING AND OPENING THE
CONTENTS OF THE BAG, WHICH IS A SIX PACK OF BEER, A FIFTH OF
Jack Daniel AND A STACK OF DvD'S. "

It is all caps. It is bunched up together. It is too long to be a slugline, hell, it isn't a slugline. I have never seen anything like it in my life. A slugline is supposed to tell the place, that's all. You must have been confused. This is why I thought you learned to write scripts by yourself. Here is an example of a slugline and how it should be.

EXT. "PLACE" - "TIME OF DAY" - Thats all you need.

Pages 26-31 is just dialouge over and over and over again. It gets boring reading that much dialouge with no action. You might want to edit some of it shorter.

I tried to get throught the script, but couldn't. These errors (especially the sluglines) are pretty big. Please don't take it the wrong way. Not trying to be rude or anything, but I want to help you because you do have a potential for a good script.

James.

I managed to get to page 4 before giving up. I'm not saying you don't have a story, maybe even a good one. But unless you get at least close to the format, no ones going to read it.

This is the second time today I've given this advice and it still holds true.

Read the boards! There are huge sections of help available. I've found the folks here are a helpful bunch and only too willing to lend a helping hand if you ask for it.

Good luck James

Sorry James, but I'm going to have to agree with usaking and malcolm.

There are a few more things I think should be brought to your attention.

You have no name following the title and "FADE IN" two times at the beginning of your script, cut one, preferably the one on top. What's "OPENING" mean anyway?

Your first chunk of action has an a few errors in it, the one I want to point out is this.
"THE CAMERA FOLLOW INTO THE DOOR AND WE ARE A CASINO"
Whenever the scene changes from one location to another you need to write another scene heading. Writing like this can get a reader lost fast.

One of the workers at the beginning slips and cuts his hand, this is not serious but shouldn't he go take care of it rather than get a beer?

Like said before the action doesn't need to be capitalized, however, the first time a character is mentioned in action their names need to be capitlized, followed by a brief description and age. This way we get a sense of the character.

First scene, Tony walks by the statue....alone, where did John come from? If he is walking with Tony or if he came at a later time, then tell us with action.

Tony Goche (41), a physically fit man, strides past the workers. Right beside him is John (37) native, sporting a mixed look of aboriginal and casual, both stop in front of the statue.

"ALISON IS NOW POSSESSED BY THE EVIL SPIRIT"
Show us don't tell us.

Allison's entire body shudders as her eyes flash green, within seconds she is back to normal. Kaity notices Allison has lacked behind, she turns around.

This is the second script today that has the problem of the story touching off too soon. This is better though, the story gets going on page 5, the other script, it was the first page, first pack of action. The main problem with this is that we don't get a chance to care for the main character or other characters.