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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board / Drama Scripts / Entangled
Posted by: Don, November 6th, 2009, 6:11pm
Entangled by Lamar Cuyler (lamardsol) - Drama - a modern day urban romeo and juliet. 112 pages - html, format 8)
Posted by: ghost and_ghostie gal, November 6th, 2009, 7:50pm; Reply: 1
Too the writer...
Celtix is free download, I'd suggest you get it. Your first action line alone is very chunky, way too long.
This is a feature, correct? Your main characters should have complete names. Surely you can't call them MR. & MRS. BEY for 117 pages. What is this, inundated curves? Words like that turns people away. How about, "lovely curves."
This? Mr. BEY, a handsome brown skinned brother in his late forties with a burly frame and African features walks in adjusting his police uniform. All this is not necessary.
Why not just, give us a first name, Bey (40s), African American walks in, adjusts his police uniform.
This too...
Guy is his son, right? I assume after re-reading that line. "Ten year old young GUY shuffles into the kitchen."
I'm thinking, this is just a young Guy from how it reads besides the fact... Ten year old young. We know ten years old is young. Leave out the young, better yet just put a number, GUY (10), shuffles into the kitchen.
Again... Young Jon... young Sophia. HOW YOUNG?
I'd place a number instead of writing out your ages, and I'd make your characters more human with a first name.
Unfortunately, your going to be hard pressed to get anyone to read this. I read to page 7 and more of the same. You may have a story to tell somewhere in here but just too many issues with your writing.
Good Luck,
Ghostwriter22
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