Bathroom Mirror by Brandon Schinzel - Short, Horror - Brandon is going to score tonight, no matter what. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

Brandon...

As I read this yawner... and this is exactly what it is...

Bottom of page five... did I read that correctly?  I had to go back and read your title page.  I thought it was a joke at first in your nine page saga.  

2.  Run spell check.

3.  Your first block of action is eight lines.  Not only that it's clunky and I found it very hard to read.  

4.  Your formatting is off a little.  Whatever software you have, they should have a way for you to remove the (CON'T) after your characters dialogue.

5.  Why do you have action lines extending over to the next page.  It looks somewhat sloppy.

6.  When you first introduce your characters, CAPS.  You seem to do this alot in your so called scripts, which tells me, you absolutely learn nothing from all this feedback that we provide or simply choose to ignore it.

Overall, the only thing original here was at the bottom of page #5.  I haven't seen that before.

Ghostwriter22

Despite the aforementioned formatting and technical issues, your story is tense! I liked story that keeps on building the tension. But the ending was a downer.

The ending just came out of nowhere, it feels very tacked on to elicit some surprises. Or rather you just don't know how to end it and gives us this easy way out ending. She's scared, we got that, but *SPOILER* to the point of murdering? *END SPOILER* I don't think so.

The action and dialogue can be tightened up a bit to make the read faster. Some of the conversation can be shorter, like when she was calling for help.

I kinda liked it.

Brandon,
You can see what Ghostwriter is saying, as soon as you start this. the action lines need to be tightened up one hell of a lot 4-5 lines is about right. The dialogue, although engaging at times, also needs a lot of work.

That having been said I have no doubt whatsoever that there is the potential of a fine short here. If you get this right it's ideal for a very low budget student production.

There's nothing wrong with the idea -  it's just the way its been executed. The ending needs a twist not someone turning into psycho!

With a really good rewrite I bet you could do this in 7 pages.

Don't let this go it has Potential.

Good luck

Brandon

As ghostwriter pointed out this definitely needs some work on the formatting front. However, I appreciate what you're trying to do here and found it a fairly quick read despite its technical flaws.

Pretty good idea you got here, the dialogue felt natural for the most part, There were some implausibility’s in the story (Do women carry kitchen knives in their handbags when they go out? What happened to good ole’ trusty, legal mace spray? Would a porn magazine subscription have the name and address of the subscriber emblazed across the front?) and things really went according to plan for Brandon/Dan, I mean almost too perfectly (till the end of course) to allow the story to work , regardless I still say that this had its moments and was well crafted.

I liked the repetitious bathroom scenes too, charting their changing moods, insecurities and paranoia as the night wears on and they get more and more drunk till they become a reality and well and truly justified...at least for Tasheena anyway. The hidden camera reveal was creepy and facilitated for the askew’d cinematic climax.

I would agree with Coding and Malcom3 in that I enjoyed it and it shows some potential. You should tackle a rewrite, clean it up a bit and you have a decent little script here.

Col.

This really held my interest. I liked the repetition of the bathroom scenes, the fading to blackness,  and the girl's changing perception of Brandon as the night progressed. I think it may need something more for her to feel some unease about him. Given the title, I expected something to happen when they looked in the mirror, maybe some apparation, something behind it, or some change in themselves and we never really did see them both together, at least in the early scenes, so i even wondered at one stage whether one of the characters was a figment of the other's imagination. But this has got real potential, loved it, though the ending was a bit too quick. Great.
best,

h

Bathroom Mirror by Brandon - Short, Suspense, Thriller - Brandon will score tonight, no matter what it takes.  10 pages - pdf, format 8)

Okay, first your formatting is off. Sorry to be a stickler, but these are the sorts of things that professional readers look at. Your left margin should be set at 1 1/2" and dialogue is set another inch in from that. Also, it looks like you cheated on your bottom margin as well in addition to other minor errors. Standard screenplay formatting is very precise, and there are plenty of places you can go to learn it.

Also, you open your script with a nine line chunk of exposition -- another no no. Think about breaking these up into separate lines. for example:

BRANDON (29) dressed to go clubbing...

He examines his face closely in the mirror.

Adjusts his collar.

Brushes his teeth. etc...

Scripts should read vertically, not horizontally. It's called the "white space" rule. Each page should consist mostly of white space, meaning large chunks of exposition and dialogue are frowned upon because it causes people's eyes to glaze over.

When it comes to dialogue, your character's speech is stilted, way more formal than real-life speech. For example:

TASHEENA: "Hey, I just wanted to let you know. We got here ok. Yeah, we are just having some wine."

^^That's not the way people talk. In real life, speech tends to be more clipped.

TASHEENA: "Yeah, we got here okay. Just having some wine."

Hopefully, these are things you'll pick up as you progress in your career. Best of luck.

You already said he's dressed to go clubbing. There is no need to describe his outfit afterward.

Dances to THE music. You didn't tell us there was music playing. That should have been the first thing stated in the scene.

I want to say the first paragraph was way too long, but I have seen a lot of contest placing scripts breaking this rule. Maybe there is leeway when it comes to the first paragraph of action. I'm not sure, but to play it safe, I think you should keep your paragraphs down to 2-3 lines. 4 at the most.

"She flips open her cellphone, pushes THE button" What button? Should be "A" button, or just tell us which one it is.

After Taneesha left the bathroom the first time, you never said that she flipped the light off. But you said she came back in and flipped it on.

Yeah, your blocks of action is making the read so much longer than it's supposed to be. Learn to tell us only the essentials. It's a problem I'm currently working on as well.

A roofie, then a kitchen knife?!  This has moved from being a so-so story, to very interesting. I can't wait to see what happens next.

"I don't know how to explain to get HERE." You said her.

"(O.S.)" should be beside Brandon's voice if it's coming through the door.

Don't like the ending.

No way would she have stayed in the house to wash her hands. She would have ran out there as fast as she could.

How did she pick up the camera in the bathroom, when Brandon had it in the bedroom?

She wouldn't walk out, angry. She would sprint out, terrified.

This would be perfect and very cheap to film. I hope you do. If you haven't by the summer, I would like to.  I just thought the ending was too much. You had a perfect, eerie vibe going on, but it was all ruined by the unnecessary violence at the end. If I sit down for 5 minutes, I could come up with a more fitting ending. I'm just too tired now. Something subtle though. The action packed ending just needs to go.

Again, your writing needs some work. Cut back on the action. But maybe this was just made as a shooting script, and you really just want an opinion on the story, not the writing itself. If so, then it was good. The dialogue was great for the most part.

Good story.

Brandon... this is the exact same script you posted a year ago.  The only thing that has changed... you got the page numbers right.  

We have members, "Active," on SS who can't get people to read their scripts... it's a shame, because most of them are better then "Bathroom Mirror."  Yet you drop your scripts off and manage to pull off "Jedi," mind tricks.

This is how things work... you want reads... you return them.   You might want to consider participating on the boards.  Or atleast take time out of your busy schedule to say thank you.  Afterall, it's x-mas... the season for "giving," and you have some thank you's to give out.  A lot.

And yes... ... I stand firm on my comments... then and now.  

If you ever show up... you can see them below.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1257554644/


Ghostwriter

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal We have members, "Active," on SS who can't get people to read their scripts... it's a shame, because most of them are better then "Bathroom Mirror."  Yet you drop your scripts off and manage to pull off "Jedi," mind tricks.

Wow, Ghostie -- nice catch -- not even I noticed this one.

Not the first time this author has been barked at for posting multiple threads for the same story -- which always annoys me when it happens more than once.

Seems not to care too much.  Potential readers should take note.

Quoted from Ghostriter22 This is how things work... you want reads... you return them.

At the very least, one pops in to say "thanks" for the feedback they have received.

Hasn't happened yet, though, on numerous posted scripts.

Hey tis the season of peace n joy so don't wanna have a go... not that I would wanna if it wasn't season of mistletoe, but only takes a 'thanks for your comments'... surely. We's all busy. :) Be happy to take a look if/when he pops up.