Below Zero by Neil Fergus (fergusneilp) - Sci Fi/Fantasy - Below Zero' tells the story of a mysterious melting of an Antarctic lake that was frozen two miles deep. A team of scientists, a Navy Lt. and a veteran sea captain investigate- only to find out that the ice has trapped a race of beings that ruled the earth 10,000 years ago and who want to reclaim what was once theirs. 89 pages - pdf, format 8)

I think you've got a good story to tell and the technical descriptions heighten the dramatic scenes.
The fight scenes had a real spark to them...but guns ran out of ammunition at just the wrong moment, over and over again.

The characters don't have much chance to develop, but that's acceptable, I think, considering the speed of the plot movement.

I'm pretty sure there are a few instances of characters' names in the wrong places or mispelled; Danvers is called Dancers, somewhere, and that threw me way off for a few minutes (dancers are always welcome but it was pretty tight quarters...)

Anyway, I look forward to reading the next draft of this story.

Hi

I think you need to edit the script abit as it is just like c m hall said, some places the name are misspelled or are in wrong places. I didnt mind the 'running out of ammo' cliche as I feel that will happen since the story revolves around a small team. I think the main villain Danvers need some work as his motivation to go over to the dark side seems too easy.

Its a very well written script and I wish you best of luck in Hollywood

Would I pay $7.00 to see this? Yes :)

great script! you really nailed the structure and pacing.  The only thing I suggest is that Danvers needs more motivation to betray the ENTIRE human race.  Seems strange to ally yourself with slimy creatures of the deep and not really gain anything power.

Too the writer...

Your 89 page "EPIC," has been on here for over two months now.   It's crystal clear since Dec 1, you haven't shown yourself.  I was reluctant to take a look at this but after reading the previous comments...

WOW! such glowing reviews.  So, I decided to take a look.   Unfortunately, their doing you a grave injustice.   So many things wrong with this.  Will forego all your grammical errors and several formatting issues.

For one, you have everything on your title page except your SSN. I wouldn't put too much personal information on it.  The title, your name and your WGA# at this point is really all you need.

Captain or Dunleavy, one or the other and run with it.  Is it my understating his first officer Phillips is a Captain as well as a Chief?  Maybe but I don't think so.  Usually, there Commanders.  But since this is a sci-fi story pick one and run with that only.  Keep up with your characters.

Your writing, redundancies, lots of passive verbiage but more importantly, you use too many words to get from point, "A to point "B."  It only clutters your script and makes it hard to read.  So many awkward phrases.

"We fly in,"  "we see."  Get creative.  You don't need things like this.

"Visibly agitated."  Why not, just agitated.  If he's agitated, trust me, will be able to see it on screen.

"Philips straighten himself and looks out the Bridge window to see if he can see if there is anything visible."  Can you explain this, yes, I know what your trying to get across but it's more so WRONG then it is RIGHT.

After their encounter with as you call it, "Violently, violent whatever," their probably will be some sort of power outage.  Just pick up with, "The emergency lights flicker off and on.  Solves everything.  And you can get rid of "The engine room is dimly light."

"The Captain walks slowly in the main engine area and looks down at the floor.  The floor is wet.  The Captain walks slowly through a half inch of water that covers the floor."
Okay, now I'm scrathing my head.  I'm already on page#3 and I'm only highlighting the worst of the worst, so far.  If this makes sense.

"Dunleavy walks into the main engine area.  The floor is covered with water.  He treads through... and press on from there.

You change locations without letting us know.  You really need a scene heading on page#5.

"She is seated at her large desk, reading her head down, with reports on her desk."   Anderson doesn't look up from her file she is reading at her desk."  No kidding.  

CTL + DELETE  review over.

You may have a story here but with the writing issues and the fact your never around, other then the newbies, noone's going to waste their time treading through this adventure.  

Good Luck

Ghostwriter