Everybody's Somebody by Rick McCormick - Comedy - When the nation’s snobbish, top high school all-star athlete suffers a head injury that dashes all hopes of a pro sports career, the community which had put him on a pedestal becomes vindictive and gives him a taste of his own medicine. 115 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi!  I read through the first twenty pages and will probably finish it.

I think you have a good story going and it started out great.  You also paint a good picture of the celebrity that's in high school sports.  

I'm reading through your spec and noticed that it's a bit too narrative.  Of course, this is purely my opinion and someone else might think otherwise.  

Instead of writing, "There is dead silence."  I would write, "Dead Silence."  I think pithiness is more appreciated in screenwriting.  Small things like that make a big difference.  

When Myron gets hit in the head with the baseball, I would write some a sound effect noise, like "KONK" or something, cueing that there should be a sound of him getting knocked in the head.  

Also, I think I saw some characters' first appearance not CAPsed and they should be.  

Otherwise, this is an enjoyable read!  The writing's good and there's a smooth progression in the story.  good job! :)

Rick, I as well have read the first few pages and have it saved on my desktop to continue reading.  I agree this is a well written script, very smooth. I plan to continue reading. I enjoyed what I have read so far. Nice work.  Marvin.  

Hi again!  

I read through some more of your script and (for me at least), the script seems to lose a bit of steam once he leaves the hospital.  I started to lose some interested by pg 30 because every scene has him "blacking out."  

Although that's his condition, maybe introduce another element that's a result to his injury, not just him blacking out.  Maybe you can show him gradually sucking at the sports he once excelled.  The blacking out gets redundant after a couple scenes.

It seems as though once he was hospitaliized, people were ready to discard him.  I would think everybody would watch intently to see how he fared after such a devastating accident.  In the script, he gets out of the hospital and in the next scene, he's already a nobody.  I would like to see a transition in where everybody sees him at a game and he's failing miserable.  

In some passages, you write things that if it were filmed, i don't think it would be obvious to the audience.  Of course, this may just be my assumption.

ie.  when he comes out with gift certificates.  How do we know they're gift certificates?  Why not SHOW gift certificates from Outback Steakhouse, P.F. Changs', Ruby Tuesday, etc.

I don't know if that makes sense to you or anybody.  Maybe it's just me.  It's a little too narrative.  

Another example:  Mr. Chow

If they were to film your movie, how would we know that Mr. Chow was fired from the first restaurant?  You have him appear in two restaurants and in the similar managerial position.  

Importantly -- Would that even make sense?  

I'm not trying to be picky, but people pick up on these kinda things, esp. producers.  I think you had a great start with this piece and I think you could have a great middle and end to this too.  

Just my two cents :)

I liked the log line. the start of the script, then I got a bit lost with the young female characters appearing, would like to read the whole script but it's late and I'm kinda falling asleep on my comp... At one point I noticed there were two characters with similar names - PEDRO and PETER, perhaps you want to change one name to avoid confusion of the person who's reading the script?