Print Topic

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Scripts  /  The Loss of Fear
Posted by: Don, November 30th, 2009, 11:13pm
The Loss of Fear by Craig Ramirez (craiger6) - Short, Thriller - Seeking solace from his fears, a timid young man finds salvation in the most unlikely of sources. 13 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: steven8, December 1st, 2009, 12:09am; Reply: 1
What a creepy, creepy piece of work.  I loved it.  Mood, dialog, tension.  All right in there!  I've got goosebumps.  :)

This would be a perfect  piece for a revival of Creepshow!
Posted by: Craiger6, December 1st, 2009, 9:26am; Reply: 2
Hi Steven,

Thanks so much for the read and the nice words.  I was hesitant to put it out there as this was my first ever attempt.  Not sure where it came from, but I enjoyed writing it.  Please let me know if I can return the favor on the read.

Thanks again.

Craig
Posted by: craig cooper-flintstone, December 1st, 2009, 9:43am; Reply: 3
Hey Craig,

I really really like this. It was very creepy and the tone of the whole piece worked very well.

I had no idea where the story was leading, and found it very intriguing to say the least.

I think there was a typo I came across- 'Red shudders and a black door', should that have been shutters?

Great work for your first attempt, very promising.

Craig
Posted by: Brian M, December 1st, 2009, 12:18pm; Reply: 4
If this is your first attempt, it is very promising indeed. Very dark and creepy, kept me on edge right to the end.

However, I do think this script suffers from some over-descriptive action lines. A lot of them would be more at home in a novel, not a screenplay, where the action lines should be very simple and describe only things which are essential. For example, page one "They SNAP on ready to do battle against the encroaching darkness." That's a lot of words just to describe lights turning on. You could knock a page or two off this by trimming down such lines and still keep the dark and creepy feeling to the script.

A few typos and grammar issues like commas not being used where they should, but otherwise, I fairly enjoyed this. A very good effort for your first script. Well done!  
Posted by: Craiger6, December 1st, 2009, 12:58pm; Reply: 5
Hi Brian,

Thanks for the read and the valuable feedback.

After reading some other scripts and comments I realized that I had fallen prey to novel writing as opposed to screenwriting.  I couldn't agree more and will take this into consideration while doing some more editing.  I think I sometimes fall in love with a few sentences and have trouble taking them out.  Alas, I'm no Hemmingway, so any and everything should be a candidate for the cutting room floor.  Anyway, thanks again for the feedback.

Craig,

Thanks again for the read and yes, you are right, should be "shutters".

Craig
Posted by: alffy, December 1st, 2009, 3:06pm; Reply: 6
Hey Craig

This is beautifully written but at times a little over written.  This is an example;

At the end of the street stands a white house with red
shudders and a black door. On any other day the house would
be unassuming, pleasant even, but on this day the house
appears imposing.

You could simply have said 'At the end of the street stands a white house with red shutters and a black door'.

This however;

A large lawn lays hidden under a pristine coating of snow.

Is fine for me.  It says all you need to say but still sounds good.

I noticed two slugs/scene hearders the same, one after another.  As this is to show the passing of time I'd simply put LATER.

As for the story, well I thought it was well planned and the pacing was good.  I like the master passes the baton to the younger thing here.  There's definately an eerie feel to the whole piece and for that I applaude you.  This really was a good read, just watch the over writting.  Nothing much else negative to say, so I'll finish by saying that this was creepy and atmospheric and an enjoyable read.  Good work.
Posted by: Craiger6, December 1st, 2009, 3:29pm; Reply: 7
Hey Alffy,

Thanks for the read and the feedback.  Your point is well taken.  In fact, the paragraph you cite is one that I actually struggled with and re-worked a few times.  In retrospect I should have gone for the short and sweet version.

With regard to the point you make about the slug/scene heading and LATER, I was confused as to whether LATER should always be used or only used when there is a significant lapse in time.  

For instance, if much of scene takes place in a general area like a basement, but the character is moving around, would it be LATER or CONTINUOUS perhaps?

Anyway, thanks again for the feedback and will make these changes.
Posted by: alffy, December 1st, 2009, 3:35pm; Reply: 8

Quoted from Craiger6
For instance, if much of scene takes place in a general area like a basement, but the character is moving around, would it be LATER or CONTINUOUS perhaps?


Good question Craig...erm, I think this is your call as I've seen both used often.

I know it can be painful to delete a beautiful described scene but sometimes less is more.  As people always say, keep it short and sweet, and that way the action will flow.  I'm not saying you should cut them all, some of them are excellently written but remain short enough to leave alone.
Posted by: Inquiringmind, December 1st, 2009, 4:48pm; Reply: 9
Hello Craiger6 you read my script so I read yours. I really liked this. The detail wasn't too abtrusive for me. I am a director and I loved the way you painted your scenery as if you had really been there. The dialogue is good and the characters interesting.




Posted by: jackx, December 7th, 2009, 7:20pm; Reply: 10
Hey Craig, nice work.
Little heavy on the descriptive writing in the first couple paragraphs, re  ‘ready to battle with the darkness’, tree forcing its way up through sheer force of will.  This isn’t really the medium for that kinda writing, imo.
Good twist, didn't really overplay it which is key.
Not too sure about the Bundy quote at the end, seems kind of redundant to me at that point.
Also the first convo where the man is speaking in a fake stutter seems a little odd to me.  Does he speak the whole thing in a stutter or just that first line?  And the point is just that hes making fun of the kid right?  Not sure this will come across clearly.  Might be a little simpler to have him speak normally on the phone, then later when he's talking to the kid he affects a stutter to tease him.  
Good creepy piece though, serial killers passing the torch.
I think that's all the problems I could come up with.
Posted by: tonkatough, December 8th, 2009, 12:42am; Reply: 11
I felt like I was reading a novel with the action, not a script. It is gorgeous writing but a bit heavy handed for scripts.

It's not a good idea to have every specific detail in your script for the simple reason that the director who films your script may not be able to physically provide what you have on paper.  Just a vauge idea is enough.  

Very clever plot structure with this one. Didn't know what the preist had to do with it at first, but you brought it all together nicely.

Also intrigued by the theme of get close to God through removing all your own fear by strike fear into fellow human being.

Killing another human is the ultimate power to give  a big boost to your ego and turn you into God cause you are in control of victim life. Or that how I understand it.  

I read and re-read your dialouge but can't for the life of me get who HE is? Is He the Devil?  But that don't make sense cause you write:  "just as they hate him when he lived, now they revere and worship him." Can't be God cause he never became past tense cause he is eternal.

Who is He?

A enjoyable story with a solid story structure.
  
Posted by: Colkurtz8, December 8th, 2009, 10:36am; Reply: 12
Craig

A lot of interesting things going on with this script. You crafted a decent story, with a  nice twist. Some clever use of flashback too which resulted in the story slowly revealing itself to use, the terrible truth of it all, the part that James has played the grizzly events depicted and most disturbingly how he will perpetuate them.

What I responded to most was the quasi American gothic feel you gave this, principally via your prose. The snow falling, shadows cloaking every corner, the spooky house, the whole theme of the story and its characters made it feel like it could have easily been set  in the 30’s, 40’s or 50’s.

The downside of creating such a rich & vivid picture was that your descriptions, though assured and well written, were a bit weighty at time and could definitely be cut down some. As you saw from my “Golden Years…” script I too have the same inclination, which can sometime work and sometimes not. On one hand, the reader (once the writing is strong) will know exactly where they are, the locations, the mood, atmosphere, etc which is what you conveyed really well here but at the same time, the drawback is that you will over step the line and border on novel territory. As I’m sure you well know, writing a script (particularly a spec) demands functionality over aesthetics in its execution. The key is finding that ever elusive happy medium.

So although I love the setting you painted here and how it supplemented what was going on, a lot of the descriptive passages can be disposed of thus giving a smoother, cleaner read while still maintaining the key facets of the actual story itself.

That Father Richard was a sadistic motherfu?ker, who woulda’ thought? The sheer relish in which he talks about his “work” is truly insane but fascinating nonetheless. James comes across as more brainwashed or easily led then anything although I don’t doubt for a moment that he won’t carry out Father Richard’s legacy.

The whole “fear” reasoning behind his work was pure hokum but then again, you would assume that such are the thought processes of a serial killer. I’m sure I‘ve seen a show or two before where the killer worked off the exact same “logic”, so to speak, or at least something similar.

I mean, you articulated very eloquently, (again, it could be accused of being a little overly explicit or expository) you got plenty of power and meaning behind Father Richards closing sermon to his faithful disciple but it just felt like I had heard these psychotic ramblings before, you know. Was this influenced by anything in particular?

Overall, I really enjoyed the script, top writing, you definitely know your way around the creation of a solid, engaging story and that, I always say, is the most important thing. The economy of writing and adhering to what the technical side of scriptwriting entails will come in time as its more a case of learning it then having to posses a gift or talent to be able to do it or not. The creative spark is what’s crucial.

Good Work

Col.




Below are some notes I took while reading it, suggestions/reactions/questions/complements, etc

They SNAP on ready to do battle against the encroaching
darkness. -- Nice prose

"stair case" - Should be "stair-case" -

"A long winding stair case leads to unseen rooms upstairs" - Maybe shorten that to "A long winding stair case leads upstairs" as "unseen rooms" is redundant.

"(conversation ends)" - Not necessary, the absence of dialogue tells us this. You could just say in the next line of description that "Mr. Shipley hangs up" or whatever.

Since we listening to Mr. Shipley talk (O.S) from the Anteroom, are we to presume that James can hear him whisper, thus hearing what Shipley is saying?

JAMES
I’ll be fine Mr. Shipley, I just
wish they hadn’t sent him here.

-- Its just a personal thing with me, but I've never been too fond of underlining words. Although, I feel it serves its purpose here, it is something I've never done. However, as shown here, it can be effective when utilised properly. A matter of taste I guess.

"Gipper" - That's two references to Reagan Is there any particular reason for this?

JAMES
I guess you’re right Mr. Shipley

-- Insert a comma before addressing somebody "I guess you’re right, Mr. Shipley"

KATE SWAN (ON TV)
Well Aaron, the man known simply as
the Stalker was reportedly found
dead early this morning.

-- Would a dead body be brought to the funeral home that soon,? Especially given the nature of the death and the whole serial killer connection.

"They no longer look like branches at all."

"They look like wriggling arms fighting one another."

-- For pacing and phrasing reasons I wouldn't write these as two sentences. Maybe have them as one, running into each other --  "They no longer look like branches at all, as much wriggling arms fighting one another" or something like that. It’s an interesting visual, could look real creepy on screen with the help of some subtle camera work.

“I’d steeled my mind against any such” – I love the phrase “steeled my mind” permission to plagiarise, sir.

"pratfalls" -- I think "pitfalls" would be more suitable, “pratfalls” comes off  too jocular in tone, given the circumstances. No big deal.

“To be free is to know God, and to truly be free one must live without fear.” – Although I don’t affiliate myself with any organized religion, this was a powerful sentiment, well expressed, a standout line.

JAMES
(stutter is gone)
They think it’s all over. That
their fear is gone, when really its
just dormant. When I carry on, I
will satiate my fear with theirs.

-- This would be an example of what I mentioned earlier about over doing it. I like how the stutter is gone, reminds be of Keyser Soze/Verbal Kint shaking off is bogus limp at the end of “The Usual Suspects” but the line comes off over wrought and indulgent. Plus I think it would be just as powerful to have James work in silence, with the tear coming down his cheek. Maybe a short line to show his loss of stutter but nothing more, we know the game by now, the flashback told us everything.


Why do the lights go off? Is it a divine intervention to assist James in killing Shipley? That Father Richard knew he was gonna come back for the wallet. This is presuming of course that the posthumous, slashing man of the cloth was responsible for it. At least James seems to think so.

Great Ted Bundy quote at the end too, a very apt, closing text.
Posted by: Craiger6, December 8th, 2009, 4:45pm; Reply: 13
Jackx, Tonka, Col., thanks so much for the reads and the valuable feedback.  You’ve all given me some valuable food for thought.

I think you all addressed the over writing/descriptive action sequences and I read you loud and clear as I kind of suspected this might be an issue after I submitted this.  I’m finishing up a new short and I think (hope) I’ve done a better job with this issue this time around.

Truth be told, this is something that I think a lot of newbies struggle with.  I know the “less is more” axiom applies to screenwriting, but at the same time, I can’t get over the concept that before anyone can even think of filming your short/feature, they have to be drawn in as a reader.  Perhaps I’m confusing the two concepts, so I’ll ask, is there a happy medium between the two types of writing styles?

Jack,

“Not too sure about the Bundy quote at the end, seems kind of redundant to me at that point.”

Truth be told, I kind of expected this to be a bone of contention with some people as I read on another site that the inclusion of quotes was a divisive issue with some people.  The impetus for this short came from a quote that I had read years ago from one of these crazy effers about how he lost all of his fear once he killed someone.  I was unable to find that particular quote but was still looking for something to bookend the first quote.  I came across this one and it kind of made my skin crawl.  I thought about cutting it, but so far I’ve gotten good feedback about it, but I will take it under advisement.

Point taken on the stutter – will work on that to make it clearer.

Tonka,

“Who is he?”

You make an excellent point and to be honest, I’m not sure I even thought of this.  I suppose I was thinking Jesus when I say that they hated him when he lived and now they revere him.  Would that preclude the use of capitalizing he?  I hope I haven’t offended anyone with my basterdized interpretation of the Holy Trinity.

Col.,

“Was this influenced by anything in particular?”

Just a quote regarding some of these themes that I remember reading from one of these crazies.  For the life of me I can’t seem to be able to find it.  Dear Lord please don’t let it all have been in my head!!!

“Since we listening to Mr. Shipley talk (O.S) from the Anteroom, are we to presume that James can hear him whisper, thus hearing what Shipley is saying?”

Yes, I wanted Shipley to be one of those people who says one thing to your face and an entirely different thing behind your back.  I think it also gives James some ammunition for the last scene.

“"Gipper" - That's two references to Reagan Is there any particular reason for this?”

No not particularly.  Just wanted to give the place a feel like it was stuck in the past and Reagan was the first POTUS I was ever conscious off.  Certainly no political ideology/statement involved.

“Its just a personal thing with me, but I've never been too fond of underlining words.”

Gotcha.  I see it here and there.  Thought it would give the reader some insight.

“Would a dead body be brought to the funeral home that soon,? Especially given the nature of the death and the whole serial killer connection.”

No, absolutely not.  Haha.  I received an early criticism from a friend of mine regarding this.  I guess in the spirit of keeping the short,  short I was asking for a bit of a leap of faith from the reader, but you are 100% correct.

“I love the phrase “steeled my mind” permission to plagiarise, sir”

Permission granted – have at it.

“the line comes off over wrought and indulgent.”

Point taken.  The more I read it I’m not sure it necessarily is something that James would say given what we’ve seen so far.  That said, I wanted to leave the impression that this was his coming out party so to speak.  Also, he hadn’t had much to stay previously.  But, I think you have a point and I will give that some consideration.

“Why do the lights go off?”

The lights originally go off because the writer wasn’t skilled enough to craft a creepy environment with them on.  Haha.  Sadly, I’m only half kidding, but they go off initially as a result of the storm.  Later on in the basement, when Shipley returns, it’s James who blows out the candles.

Apologies in advance for taking up so much space, but I really appreciate all of the comments and suggestions and rest assured they will all be taken into consideration.  Thanks guys, and it will be my pleasure to return the read.  Thanks again.

Craig
Posted by: Cam17, December 12th, 2009, 11:56pm; Reply: 14
Craig,

This was a good, atmospheric piece.  I like how you took the time to set the scene first.  There was a bit of overdescription here and there, but nothing too extreme.  I did catch one typo:

"Sitting at a kitchen table dressed in khakis and a starched
white button down shirt sits JAMES WADDLE (early 20’s), a
prim and proper young man who speaks with a stutter."

Having "sitting" and "sits" in the same sentence is awkward.  Always stick with the active tense.

I realize the flashbacks were essential to the story, but I almost wish you could have pared them down a bit.  This script seems to be more flashback than anything else.  I was hoping a bit more would actually happen at the funeral home in the here and now.  

But overall, I liked the story and the especially the setting.
Posted by: Craiger6, December 17th, 2009, 9:34am; Reply: 15
Hey Cam,

Thanks for the read and good point about the "sitting" and "sits" in the same sentence.

I know that people sometimes don't like the use of the flashback, but I guess I was a little concerned about going on too long and figured the flashbacks would work.

Anyway, thanks again for the read and the insight.  Much appreciated.

Craig
Posted by: Elmer, December 23rd, 2009, 3:53pm; Reply: 16
Everyone has probably already pointed out any technical flaws, such as over-description and things like that.  

Typically, horror/creepy stuff really just isn't my thing, but I thought this was very well written and I enjoyed it. You're great at describing things. I especially love when you wrote that the lamps light up to do battle with the darkness. Great line.

The only thing I didn't really like was the quote at the end. IT just didn't really sit well with me. Could just be my personal opinion, but it just didn't seem like it had a point for being there.

As far as the flash backs are concerned, I can't understand why anyone would ever have a problem with the use of flashbacks. Film is a show-it-don't-tell-it medium. In my opinion, a flash back (if done correctly) is far more creative and less jarring than a prologue. It allows you to interweave important elements of the characters lives into the story without having to stretch the story out so thin that it becomes boring and bland.

Speaking of characters, these characters have some jacked up theological views haha, but I guess that's what makes it even more creepy.

Anyway, great job! I look forward to reading The Final Pawn.

-Chris
Posted by: Craiger6, December 31st, 2009, 3:38pm; Reply: 17
Hey Chris,

Thanks for the read and the feedback.  Yeah, the quote at the end has been hit or miss for some people.  I'm going to take all of the feedback and do some revising in the near future.  I'm still up in the air about the quote.  

Thanks again for the read.  Let me know if I can return the favor.

Craig
Posted by: chelsea, July 6th, 2010, 6:48am; Reply: 18
Hey Craig.

A very good read for me. All the technical issues have been mentioned by others before so no need to repeat.

I also fall into the trap of overwriting but somehow even though I know it's not 'correct' I still find myself doing it. That's why I can empathize with you and think you have a great talent. Very nice visuals.

My one slight issue and I'm certain you've done your research, but is it common for people to cut their own throats? I certainly wouldn't have the guts (or should that be 'the neck'?)

Still, that aside a very well crafted piece.

Well done.

Martin
Posted by: Craiger6, July 7th, 2010, 2:04pm; Reply: 19
Hi Martin,

It's been a while since I've looked at this oen, thanks for giving this a read.  I'm glad you enjoyed it.  Yes, guilty as charged with the overwriting, but as you said, sometimes I can't resist either.

As far as cutting one's throat, you are probably correct.  I guess my feeling is that I wanted to make it something befitting this messed up character.  

Anyway, thanks again for the read, man.  Much appreciated.

Craig
Posted by: Coding Herman, July 7th, 2010, 8:08pm; Reply: 20
Hi again Craig,

I think this is pretty well done. It started off slowly but the story payoffs handsomely.

I believe this is one of your earlier effort? I said that because here you tend to overwrite descriptions, which made for a slower read. Some superfluous details can be cut out as well. Like the detailed decorations in the room, etc.

You might want to introduce who Mr. Shipley is, even though I assume he works in the funeral home. I didn't quite understand the relationship between him and James though. They seem to know each other well.

For the flashback scenes, you might want to use INT. CHURCH - DAY, and then underneath SUPER: 8 YEARS AGO.

The revelation of the Father and James did surprise me. James took over what the Father does. And James overcome his fear by doing so. Kudos to that.

A very haunting ending.

Good job.


Herman
Posted by: Coding Herman, July 7th, 2010, 8:10pm; Reply: 21

Quoted from chelsea


My one slight issue and I'm certain you've done your research, but is it common for people to cut their own throats? I certainly wouldn't have the guts (or should that be 'the neck'?)



Martin, it was James who cut the Father's throat. I guess you got confused with the pronoun "he". So maybe Craig can clear that up in the re-write as well.
Posted by: Craiger6, July 9th, 2010, 8:29am; Reply: 22
Hi Herman,

Thanks for taking the time.

"I believe this is one of your earlier effort? I said that because here you tend to overwrite descriptions, which made for a slower read. Some superfluous details can be cut out as well. Like the detailed decorations in the room, etc."

Yes, this was actually the first screenplay that I had written, and I think that accounts for some of the over-writing.  I think that I've cut down on that a bit in some of my later stuff.  That said, I'm not sure that I would change all that much in that vein as it relates to this piece since I think (hope?) that it adds to the overall mood and vibe of the story.  

"You might want to introduce who Mr. Shipley is, even though I assume he works in the funeral home. I didn't quite understand the relationship between him and James though. They seem to know each other well."

Mr. Shipley is the proprietor (sp?) of the funeral home.  I believe on the first or second page I point out a sign reading "Shipley's Funeral Home" hanging on t e lawn.  Thanks for pointing it out though since if you missed it, I'm sure others have as well.  Perhaps he needs a bit more of an intro within the story as well.

"For the flashback scenes, you might want to use INT. CHURCH - DAY, and then underneath SUPER: 8 YEARS AGO."

Good tip.  I think it reads better your way.

"Martin, it was James who cut the Father's throat. I guess you got confused with the pronoun "he". So maybe Craig can clear that up in the re-write as well."

Kind of embarrassing when the writer doesn't remember his own story, huh?  It's been a while since I've read this from start to finish, but you are 100% correct when you say that James is the one who did in the Father.  The Father was supposed to have been offering himself up to James, and then James fixes the scene to look like a suicide.

I think I was also confused with Martin's query with some feedback that I recieved from either someone else on the boards or a friend who mentioned that it's unlikely that the police would accept this as a suicide because people don't usually slit their own throats.  The letter on the desk was intended to try and account for this.  

Anyway, thanks again for the read Herman et al.  Much appreciated.  

Craig
Posted by: rc1107, August 27th, 2010, 11:20am; Reply: 23
Hey Craig.

Not a bad little story you've got here.  Definately a very moody feel to it much thanks to your descriptive writing.  I haven't read anybody else's comments yet, but I'm guessing you and I are in the same boat and that you get accused a lot of overwriting a little bit.  I have no problem with what other people call 'overwriting' as long as it isn't obtrusive to the story and it helps convey the image into the reader's (or, hopefully ultimately) the director's eye.  In your story, I don't the writing is too obtrusive, although a line does come to mind.  'They snap on, ready to do battle against the emproaching darkness'.  I think that's how it went.  That was obtrusive.  Simply just 'they snap on' would've been perfect.  The word 'snap' pops the readers imagination open and he's ready to read the rest of the story.  Short and sweet.  So you weren't too obtrusive and you got a very clear image of what was going on.  So excellent job on the writing aspect of the story.

Now, as for the story itself...  Plot and character-wise...

Overall, I enjoyed it, though I think it could use a couple little tweaks here and there.  I think the main tweak that would help this story along a little would be to make Father Richard seem a little more creepier in the 1st flashback.  Like after James tell him that he's afraid of death, Father Ricky could say or do something that would let us know that something's just not quite right up inside his head.

In fact, I wouldn't make that scene a flashback at all.  This is only a suggestion, but I'd make that scene the opening scene.  That way, we get a nice, creepy introduction to James and what it had been like for him growing up and that part's set up already, so then it doesn't interrupt the flow and suspense in the middle of the story.  Two flashbacks kind of just muddied the story up a little bit, I think, and took away just a little bit from the pacing of the story.  Set up that way, you don't use the 1st flashback just as a device to get into the character's thoughts, it actually becomes part of the story.  

But, without seeing it right in front of me, I'm not sure if you'd like how that would play out or not.  It was just a suggestion.

Oh yeah, and one more thing.  Those damn (beat)'s.  Those are obtrusive and annoying!  You can do away with every single one of those and not lose a single thing to the script.  And now that I've taken a look through a couple of the other posts for this story, I see that this was your first one you posted.  Congratulations.  This was an excellent first story.  Good job.  Hopefully, though, when I read your others, (and I will), those Godforesaken (beats) are gone!  :-)

As for the beginning and the ending quotes... I'm a huge fan of quotes and I love using them in scripts I write and I love seeing them in movies I watch...  so I have no problem with the quotes.  One niggle I do have, though, is that I don't think you need to put Ted Bundy- American Serial Killer.  I'm pretty sure everybody knows who he is.  I think seeing the words 'American Serial Killer' takes away from the impact of his quote.  In fact, I'd like to see his real name up there.

You feel the last bit of breath leaving their body.  You're looking into their eyes.  A person in that situation is God.
-  Theodore Bundy

To me, it just seems a little more powerful that way.

Other than that, I thought it was a pretty interesting story and I loved the moody feel it had to it.  Great job for breaking your simplyscript cherry.  :-)

- Mark
Posted by: Craiger6, September 5th, 2010, 2:52pm; Reply: 24
Hey Mark,

Thanks for taking a look at this one.  My apologies for not getting back sooner.  I like to do my reading and responsing on the weekends, but I've been running around the last couple fo weeks and haven't really checked in lately.

Yeah, this was the first thing I ever wrote, and in retrospect, I definetly made some rookie mistakes.  I think I've improved since then, but this one will always hold a special place.  I'm sure you know what I mean.

“I haven't read anybody else's comments yet, but I'm guessing you and I are in the same boat and that you get accused a lot of overwriting a little bit.  I have no problem with what other people call 'overwriting' as long as it isn't obtrusive to the story and it helps convey the image into the reader's (or, hopefully ultimately) the director's eye.  In your story, I don't the writing is too obtrusive, although a line does come to mind.  'They snap on, ready to do battle against the emproaching darkness'.  I think that's how it went.  That was obtrusive.  Simply just 'they snap on' would've been perfect. “

Yeah, I’ve definitely been guilty of over writing.  I think I’ve improved on it a bit since this effort, but yes, still something that I need to keep in mind.

“In fact, I wouldn't make that scene a flashback at all.  This is only a suggestion, but I'd make that scene the opening scene.  That way, we get a nice, creepy introduction to James and what it had been like for him growing up and that part's set up already, so then it doesn't interrupt the flow and suspense in the middle of the story.  Two flashbacks kind of just muddied the story up a little bit, I think, and took away just a little bit from the pacing of the story.  Set up that way, you don't use the 1st flashback just as a device to get into the character's thoughts, it actually becomes part of the story.  “

I think this is a really good point.  In fact, I can definitely see it in my mind’s eye.  I think this would work really well flowing right into the original that I currently have with a grown up James.  Thanks for the suggestion, I’ll give it some thought.

“Oh yeah, and one more thing.  Those damn (beat)'s.  Those are obtrusive and annoying!  You can do away with every single one of those and not lose a single thing to the script. “

Haha, duly noted.  I got a little carried away.

“One niggle I do have, though, is that I don't think you need to put Ted Bundy- American Serial Killer.  I'm pretty sure everybody knows who he is.  I think seeing the words 'American Serial Killer' takes away from the impact of his quote. “

Glad you liked the quotes.  I kind of do as well.  Good point about the “American Serial Killer” bit.  It’s unnecessary.  

Anyway, thanks again for taking the time.  It really is much appreciated.  And sorry again for not responding earlier.

Craig
Posted by: leitskev, May 4th, 2011, 9:24pm; Reply: 25
Craig, a very interesting piece of work. A lot to think about, and a lot of twists.

First, I like your visual set up of the opening scenes. I have not read reviews, but I suspect people probably criticized this as over written. And they could be cleaned up a little, tweaked back a bit, but overall, I think you really painted a picture.

Then the set up continued with the revelation that James was going to be left alone with a serial killer. Very nice.

Your first flash was effective to set up the most powerful moment, the revelation of the corpse of the priest.

The second flash worked as well, was a surprise.

There were two problems IMO. First, the dialogue did not always work. There were times it just didn't seem to match the moment. Very fixable. If you ever look to rewrite this I would be happy to point out the ones I mean.

The second problem is more with the details of the story. A serial killer is killed by a slash to the throat, but no one suspects, they think it's a suicide? And there is no autopsy? The body just goes right to the funeral home that day? Not sure if that adds up. You might be better off having James work at the medical examiner's office and preparing the body for autopsy. Maybe the news report can say died of apparent suicide but is under investigation.

Just my thoughts. But overall I like the story and the style with which it was delivered.

Oh, almost forgot. I don't think falling snow makes noise, and I heard a lot of it this year. Sleet makes noise though.
Posted by: Vaproductions, May 5th, 2011, 3:43pm; Reply: 26
Quote from Col "That Father Richard was a sadistic motherfu?ker, who woulda’ thought?" Yo i cosign this thought.

But yea anyways Craig I liked your story and the Ted Bundy reference at the end because it seem as tho the Father and James was kinda psycho paths themselves.

So I rate this a 7 out of 10.
Posted by: Craiger6, May 29th, 2011, 2:19pm; Reply: 27
Hey Guys,

Thanks for the read on this one, and I apologize for not getting back to you sooner.  (I feel like I’ve been saying that a lot lately).  Anyway, this was actually the first screenplay I ever wrote, so, while it’s def flawed, it’s kind of near and dear to my heart.

Kev,

“First, I like your visual set up of the opening scenes. I have not read reviews, but I suspect people probably criticized this as over written. And they could be cleaned up a little, tweaked back a bit, but overall, I think you really painted a picture.”

Yes, the “over writing” has rightfully been pointed out by a bunch of other readers.  It’s a fine line, and one that I’m still trying to find that happy medium.

“There were two problems IMO. First, the dialogue did not always work. There were times it just didn't seem to match the moment. Very fixable. If you ever look to rewrite this I would be happy to point out the ones I mean.”

Thanks for pointing this out.  I’m kind of a stickler for dialogue, so I’m sorry that it didn’t always work for you.  I currently don’t have any plans for a re-write, but if I do, I’ll take a closer look at the dialogue.

“The second problem is more with the details of the story. A serial killer is killed by a slash to the throat, but no one suspects, they think it's a suicide? And there is no autopsy? The body just goes right to the funeral home that day? Not sure if that adds up. You might be better off having James work at the medical examiner's office and preparing the body for autopsy. Maybe the news report can say died of apparent suicide but is under investigation.”

Yeah, this has also been picked up on by some other readers.  In short, there are def some plot holes here, but I guess I was asking the audience to take a leap of faith.  But your point is a good one, and again, if I ever decided to take a crack at this one again, that is one thing I would def look to re-work.

“Oh, almost forgot. I don't think falling snow makes noise, and I heard a lot of it this year. Sleet makes noise though.”

Haha – good point!  You and me both with all the snow this winter!

VAP,

Thanks for the read man.  Yeah , it seems that the quotes were hit and miss for most readers.  I kind of like them though.  Glad you did too.

Anyway, thanks again for the read fellas, and sorry it took so long to get back to you.  Thanks again.

CR
Print page generated: March 29th, 2024, 8:08am