How to Have Fun (was Knowledge by John Keating (jimbob) - Short - A story about a father and his son. 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

John

I think you need to re-think this one. It ultimately goes nowhere. The payoff (if you want to call it that) of the father managing to turn "catch," the one thing the son might actually derive some enjoyment from, into a history lesson is way under realised and totally rushed. I did enjoy the father tangential ramblings and got a smile out his total ignorance to his son's gormless expressions but they need to lead somewhere. I see what you're trying to do here, unfortunately I feel you missed the mark.

What you have here isn't a finished script, you've got your characters, a set up of sorts but no final third, so to speak.

Also the writing can be cleaned up a little, the prose sharper. Sentences shouldn't spill onto the next page half way through.

I suggest you read some scripts, develop your story into something more fully rounded.

Sorry I couldn't be more positive. Best of luck with it.

Col.

I'm going to have to agree with Col on this one. Didn't work for me at all and there is not a complete story here. At best, you can probably get away with calling this a skit. For a story we need characters that have some depth to them and that have goals or something they are trying to achieve. You don't even give a name to your characters here so it is hard to care about them at all.

You've also got a lot of mistakes in here. I mean even in one sentence when the narrator first speaks you have three mistakes. You also don't need to include in your action lines things that are not seen on screen eg. 'the voice of the narrator is heard first.' We know that because we can see the narrator is the first person who has dialogue.

You also need to use proper punctuation. That means using full stops at the end of your sentences.

Overall I think it needs a rewrite and a different direction if you are going to get anything out of this.

Cheers,
Tim.

Hi John,

I would agree with Trojan that you might be better served by providing the father and son with a name.  I think it will provide the audience with a bit more connection.

As far as the story, well I'm always a sucker for a father/son catch, so I was kind of hoping that the Dad would kind of wake up and just play catch with his son.  I also think you can just drop the narrator V.O. all together.  The Dad's dialouge kind of says it all.

All in all though I liked your concept and think you can hammer it into shape.

Craig

Hey thanx for the feedback. This was my first writing experience, and i admit i kinda rushed it to get it out there, to get any kind of feedback at all. Thinking about it now it is more of a skit than an actual short as Trojan says above. I think iv'e got to learn how to end a story. Right now all i know is how to put across situations, without resolving them. When finishing a story, is there some sort of concept about story telling that must be understood, or do you just get a feeling for how a story should end?

Jimbob

On a personal level, ending a script is, not always, but usually the most difficult thing to get right. Formulating a justifiable and worthy conclusion is, again not all always, but in most cases, the most important scene/sequence of the entire story.

So in essence, coming up with an ending can often be the most difficult as well as the most crucial part of your script.

As Mckee says in Adaptation.

"I'll tell you a secret. The last act makes a film. Wow them in the end, and you got a hit. You can have flaws, problems, but wow them in the end, and you've got a hit. Find an ending, but don't cheat, and don't you dare bring in a deus ex machina. Your characters must change, and the change must come from them. Do that, and you'll be fine."

And he should know.

John, I'll have to say good first effort. I know how you feel with the type of feedback that you got. I've been getting beat up on this board since August. But I'll tell you what. The members of this board know their stuff and if you listen to them you will learn. Looks like you may be using scripped.com like I do. If so, you really have to watch your page breaks when you convert to pdf. Enjoyed your short, especially the Father's rambling. Like I said listen to the board members, you will learn and get better. Good luck, Marvin.  

Thanx for the advice colkurtz8. Ya, comin up with an interesting and original ending is crucial. I like the quote about the characters having to bring about change by themselves as well. One of my favourite movies is american history x. I loved the way ed nortons character developed as the movie progressed. I know his old school teacher helped him out a bit, but ultimately he had to be willing to change. In my short, if I had to develope it more, the father would have to come to some realisation about raising his son. Cant do it right now though as im working on another script.

Marvin
Ya ive seen a few people getting "beat up" on the other threads. I think most of the advice that i got for this short was quite constructive though. Ill definately take what they said on board. Ya im using scripped.com. Ill watch out for those page breaks.

Hi John,

Nothing really to add to the above comments, it's all good advice to take on board.

It's more of a sketch really isn't it? Nothing wrong with that though, and it's a good place to start.

Congratulations on submitting your first piece- it's quite a daunting task isn't it?

I'll keep my eye out for more stuff from you.

All the best

Craig

Hey John,

Concept is okay, but it definitely needs work. It's not poignant enough to be a sketch, but its too short to feel like a solid short.

enough has already been said about the script, so i wont add that much more. congrats on writing your first script (it could have been much, much worse haha). im sure many of us would be embarrassed to showcase our first screenplay. but you had the balls to do it. so kudos to that.

other than that, welcome to SS!

Hi all,

Agree with the rest. As for the ending, I believe you've given yourself a hint. Before a story is written there must be a reason for writing it...This more often than not is the theme. You wrote at the end 'knowledge isn't everything' is this the point you were trying to make? This has to in some way be cummunicated in the ending, your characters don't have to have changed in any way (this is mostly done in feature films, not so much in shorts)...Though the ending must be expressed through some form of action (the characters doing something).



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