Undecided by Julie DeStefano - Short - Leanne's longtime boyfriend proposes to her. Unsure whether to accept, Leanne deals with pressure from family and friends.  7 pages - pdf, format 8)

Julie,

Not sure it's the best idea plastering your address on your title page. I mean, do you really want visitors via the internet?

I'd say an email address would be more suitable.

Now, onto the script...

Bit slim on character descriptions. What do they look like?

What's with the colours for character dialogue names? I thought me monitor was playing up due to those special interest videos I keep playing.

Not sure about this dialogue either. Sounds a bit... hokey to me.

Quoted from Undecided Leanne is stunned.

I've no doubt she is but that's a classic case of telling and not showing. What did she look like, how does this manifest itself on her face and in her actions. Does her mouth drop open? Does she squirm like a schoolgirl ( a personal favourite - the phrase, not the schoolgirl, obviously).

V.O. should appear in brackets after the character name. I'd say you'd be well pleased to invest in some screenwriting software. Celtx or the like would do a better job for you than Word or whatever.

You also need to break up your dialogue with some action lines. Nobody sits still for more than seconds without doing something.

Quoted from Undecided Leanne is sitting on the couch having tea with her mother.

Fair enough but couldn't you describe her mother rather than just telling us who she is.

Quoted from Undecided Leanne and Bob drive to a family dinner at Leanne’s parents’ house.

More showing and less telling please Julie.

RV

There's a good story in here. You need to work on your character descriptions and dialogue though before it becomes a good script. Keep reading professional scripts. And keep writing.

Hi Julie,

I think you missed a scene heading before the last scene as Leanne watches Bob leave her apartment for the last time.

Also, I'm afraid i had the same feeling as Rendevous regarding some of the dialouge.  Example:

FATHER
Leanne! Bob! Good to see you!
LEANNE
Hi, Dad.
BOB
How are you doing?

It just seems a bit too spot on, but I think you can improve on that.

That said, I think you have an interesting concept here that may appeal to a lot of people.  We may not always say it, but some of the ideas you are exploring here are common place amongst a lot of people.  Anyway, good luck.

Craig

Hi all,

I agree with Rendevous and Craig. Here's my pointers

...I'm not saying it's not a good story or anything but I think it can be a bit more dramatic. Why can't Leanne agree to get married and change her mind on the wedding day? I know, I know, it's been done like a million times already but you should know there are a million ways to show something...Just a thought.

The scene in the car and the scene where Leanne and Bob enter her parents's house (page 4)should be taken out. This adds nothing to the story and there are plenty of other ways to show where they are.

My final point...From what I've learnt revealtion is always best revealed in action. Basically in your case what I'm trying to say is instead of have Marsha reveal to Leanne to get married only if she wants to in dialogue, have Marsha or any other caharacter DO (not say) something that shows this....Film is a visual medium. Something to think about.