Soulshadows II: My Soul to Take by Jordan Wiebe (theboywhocouldfly) (Tanis by Robert Newcomer) - Series, Supernatural - During the heat of battle a young soldier must face the pain of his past. 33 pages - pdf, format 8)

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Enjoy other scripts in the SoulShadows II Series or the first season of SoulShadows

Jordan,

I liked this one. A lot. It read quickly and was a page turner for me. Some wording was a bit odd but I think that's a given when reading someone else's writing.

Bert,

Tanis was very philosophical about love at the end. I liked it!

Good job to both of you.

Gary

Jordan,

This was a pretty cool script (okay, I only listened to it but whatever). Flowed very nicely, had some interesting dialogue and it was pretty amusing hearing the iScript guy curse so much. I guess that's part of the reason why you put so much in there, eh?  ;)

I guess what's lacking in the script is anything really supernatural. This series is kind of known for its strange, paranormal doings and there's basically nothing like this until the very end, and even then it's kind of debatable as to what actually happens. I liked the sort of open-endedness of it, but it wouldn't hurt to bolster the supernatural element of the story in a few places, maybe somehow establish that this locket has some kind of other worldly shades to it other than glowing in the dark.

Other than that, this was a really nice script. Tightly told with some surprisingly vivid characters and well-written action scenes. Good job!  ;D

I really enjoyed this.  --SPOILER-- I didn't see the Bruce Willis Sixth Sense bit coming.     Check rule on comma placement, and fix typos.
pg. 24) another time & whatever need to be capitalized.
pg. 26) blood spill out of his neck, -- should be blood spills out of his neck.
pg. 26) he stumbles as Bullets whiz by --should be bullets.  
pg. 2 every things gonna be okay --should be everything's gonna be okay.
pg. 30) hid jaw drop - should be his jaw drops.
  
My only other advice is when Samantha dies,  maybe add some emotion from Travis.  Crying, a scream of anguish, something.
Overall, great job on story telling.  

Thanks Gary, Matt and Michael for the reads and comments, I know this might not be as supernatural as the others, but I wanted to try a little something different but still keep in spirit of the series.

Quoted from screenrider My only other advice is when Samantha dies,  maybe add some emotion from Travis.  Crying, a scream of anguish, something.

I actually had that in my first draft but I took that out, for some reason it didn't feel right to me and I'm not sure why.

Thanks again for your reads.

**SPOILERS**

This is a very sweet and sad story.  I really cared about Travis and Samantha, not to mention all of the people who's various body parts were flying hither and yon.  The graphic depiction of the battles were quite. . . graphic.  Would be tough to shoot, but they certainly get the point across.

It's almost as thought Travis joined to commit suicide.  I couldn't blame him, and he was justly rewarded, by being back with Samantha.

Sweet, very touching story.  I really liked this.  Oh yes, I also love the title.  Well chosen.

One thing, barely, is misspelled as barley in a couple of places.

Thank you for the read and comments Steven, I am glad you enjoyed it!

Quoted from steven8 It's almost as thought Travis joined to commit suicide.

Yeah, I would agree on that!  Thanks again for the read!

Not bad. Pretty brutal as you'd expect from war. Dialogue was pretty decent and fits the time. The romantic subplot was also well written and served as a decent contrast to all the blood and guts. My only problem with the script was that the romantic subplot shouldn't have been a subplot. The locket is the object Tanis introduces in the beginning and while it's not so much in the background, it definitely doesn't feel like the main plot. It should be. What you've got now is a war story with a supernatural element. Should've been the other way around.

This is all based on what Soulshadows is supposed to be though. This stands pretty strong on its own. Either way, I would've liked to have seen more of the supernatural side of things. There's just less of a need for it if you look at the story on its own terms.

Hey Jordan, just saw that this was posted on Tuesday, so I immediately gave it a read.  I did not take any notes, so my comments will be general in nature.

There were a lot of mistakes throughout…typos, spelling, grammar (lots of missing commas), awkward phrasing, etc.  I saw one 5 line passage that should be cut down to 4, and one Slug that was a Flashback that wasn’t labeled as such.  I’d say this could have used another edit, and it would have read so much better.

This read very quickly though, and had a realistic vibe to it, which I liked.  The dialogue was pretty good, and you managed to create some characters that I actually cared for and could relate with.  That’s not easy to do, so Kudos on that!

This is a very violent script.  I love graphic violence in scripts and movies, but in this case, it felt like it was a bit too gratuitous, and overblown.  IMO, this kind of situation (war) doesn’t really need to have every bloody, graphic detail spelled out, again and again.  The first few times set the tone nicely, but it went a little overboard with all the descriptions of people’s torsos and limbs landing here and there.  I think it was Captain Bannerman’s demise that sealed it for me with the “just too much and over the top” violence.

As a war story, this worked OK.  As a love story of sorts, it worked OK.  But as a Soul Shadows, supernatural tale, this didn’t work at all, I’m afraid to say.  The locket itself had absolutely nothing going for it and really nothing to do with anything.  Such devices are common in all sorts of romantic stories, and this one was no different and had no special powers, etc.  Someone else mentioned “The Sixth Sense” twist, but personally, I don’t even see that.  IMO, he dies at the end and sees his girl in Heaven.  If this was all supposed to be in his head as he laid dying, it didn’t come across that way at all.

Even Tannis’ intro and xtro seemed to be searching for some way to tie this into a supernatural tale, but since it’s not, it just didn’t work either.  Don’t get me wrong here, I liked Tannis’ segments, as I always do, but it’s apparent that even she (Bert) didn’t have much to work with.

So, Jordan, I like this story for what it is, but I don’t like it for what it was supposed to be.  Another edit or 2 would have really helped.  If you cut down on the graphic violence in your very exact, detailed descriptions, I think the violence would have come across a bit better, and maybe even more powerfully. Sometimes, less is more, and I think this is a perfect example of that.

It’s a good read though, bud.  Keep ‘em coming.

Hey James and Jeff, thanks for the read guys, I knew while writing this there was going to be some objection for the story not being as supernatural as the other entries in the series, but I still feel it does fit, obviously more than others think...lol, but that's ok, I was prepared for those objections, and I do understand where you guys are coming from.  Thanks again for taking the time to read it though and for your comments, much appreciated.

Hey Jordan gave this a listen and I thought the performance was great.  Something to proudly show off.  

I have to agree with most of the people here who say this is a war movie with a minor love story inside.   But you did both of them very well.   I could easily see this on a screen.

As far as the Soulshadows requirement goes, I think this hit it.  It was different from the purely supernatural stories but it did have that theme - if only as a minor one.   And I think it exhibited your style well - even down to the eye jelly.

You did a very good job with this.

Thanks for the read Cornetto, I'm glad you liked the eye jelly :P  I know this was more of a war story than anything else, but it is what I wanted to do, I'm happy that you thought it fit the series.  Thanks again for the read.

Hey Jordan

Well this is the first iscript I've listened to and it was difficult to make notes at the same time.

What I will say though is, this was excellent and I really enjoyed it.  It was brutal in places and then drifted into real moments of emotion.  

You painted a great picture of a bloody battlefield and the horror that the young men had to endure.  The flashbacks worked well and helped show the importance of the locket and the conclusion was nicely done too.

Sorry I've not much else to say but there's anything that really stood out on the negative side, so I just have to say that this was a great 'listen'.

Good work mate.

Hey Allfy, thanks for giving this a listen, glad that you enjoyed it,

I thought the reader did a pretty good job with this one, I'm guessing he's a voice actor or sumttin', but I think he's pretty good.

Thanks again for your comments.

Hey Jordan, I'm at work today so gave this a read. Haven't listened to the iscript yet but will do at some point. I think this might be the first script I've read from you actually.

To start off with I really like the premise but I'm not too sure that it was quite fulfilled. Travis gives Samantha the necklace and then she dies so he gets the necklace back. I kinda figured that she was dead and that's why he enlisted but I don't really get the point of the necklace. For me, you could have either had it protect him or hunt him down. Samantha in a way would then be his guardian angel or dragging him to her. As it stands, the necklace doesn't play a big enough part for me... if you take it out of the script, the only thing you lose is that nobody will find out about Samantha, I don't think it has a big enough bearing on the story.

The action was gruesome and excellently written. Everything was easy to picture and follow. I also thought the dialogue came across quite natural and helped to develop the two main characters. Captain Bannerman was a stand-out character aswell. We've seen characters like that before but I enjoyed your take on it.

The end was a bit of a let-down for me. I thought you did a great job with all the flashbacks upto the final one and as I said above I thought the necklace could have had a bigger impact on the direction of the story.

Good work!

Ste

Hey Ste, thanks for the read, I'm glad you liked most of it.  I know the locket isn't in it a lot, but I did think it was in it enough, or maybe I'm wrong :P  But I see where you're coming from.  Thanks again for giving this a read!

Jordan, just read this one - it's a very cool story.

I thought there was a good amount of time between the two locations, and there was enough of the locket.

I thought the dialogue between Sam and Travis was a bit on the nose at times, but the war dialogue was great.

I haven't read any of the other Soulshadow scripts, so I don't have anything to compare it to, but overall this script worked out really well.

Good stuff.

Hey Tommy!! Thanks for the read and comments!!

Hey Jordan,

SLIGHT SPOILER!

I got to read this one today and read the previous comments. I really liked the buildup, I really liked the dialogue, I really liked that you changed the flow of where the series is going. I feel uncomfortable though is with the ending where the supernatural element happens. I think this script will stand by itself without the locket and that's what I see as the problem, IMO. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the locket should have played a essiential part to this like protecting Trevor's life at the end.  Maybe that's cliche but it's a suggestion. Other than, I liked it. :)

Gabe

Hey Gabe, thanks for the read, glad you liked it!

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Hey Jordan, SI guess what I'm trying to say is that the locket should have played a essiential part to this like protecting Trevor's life at the end.

But he has to die in the end to fit in with the series, but I see what you're saying.  Thanks again for the read! :)

Bump time.

I remember reading this way back when around the time you finished, before the Tanis parts, and enjoyed it.  That assesment still stands.

I noticed a couple replies while glancing through feedback that mention the locket, but I think it's there enough to know that it's the focal point.

Travis and Samantha have a pretty basic relationship goign on here, but mixing in their interaction with what's going on in the war keeps it interesting.

I don't usually listen to the Iscripts of these, but I might have to check this one out.  Mainly to hear how they did Tanis' exclamations, but to hear the war dialogue as well.

Nice work.

Hello Jordan,

I've been quite torpid lately, but finally got around to read your effort.

It's not bad overall as a war story, pretty good as a drama overall.  But as I was expecting a supernatural story with some-sort of mystical powers for this locket, which didn't materialise, I was kinda left disappointed.

Not sure what the locket was for as it didn't really feature.  The story between Travis and Samantha was good, as it broke up the war scenes with the romance.  I know war is ugly but some of the descriptions were very detailed.  I literally recoiled after reading eye jelly.

Other than the missing supernatural element, it was a fine drama.  It was a quick & easy read.

Tanis was also enjoyable to read.

Javier

I found errors.

Pg 5 - bottom - Merchant, ...I am too old now.
Pg 15 - Wouldn't the Captain Bannerman request for the translator?  Pretty useful that the Captain can speak German, but isn't something we would usually expect.
Pg 25 - ...out in different directions.
Pg 29 - Change barley for barely.

Thanks for the reads mike and Jayrex

Quoted from Shelton I don't usually listen to the Iscripts of these, but I might have to check this one out.

You should, that guy did a really good job, I was pretty impressed.

Thanks again you two for the reads.

I thought it was a nice little story, I could almost picture it being an episode of "Tales from the darkside" or "Tales from the Crypt".

I did notice some grammatical issues, but those are easy fixes. It definitely read quick, which is great, but there were some things that made it stumble a bit. I'm probably just being picking but, for example,

               CAPTAIN BANNERMAN
              they’re going
              to know that we know that they’re
              out there.

It just seems like a lot of "knows" bouncing around in there.

Maybe something like :

               CAPTAIN BANNERMAN
              they’'re going to figure out we know they're nearby.

The other thing that I was kind of confused by ( which I noticed other people touched on as well) was the locket. It hinted towards some real supernatural element that was going to pan out, but, nothing really happened. I just thought you could have played on the locket a bit more. Even just a quick little thing during some action part, like a bullet ricochets off the locket and when he takes it out to look at it, the lockets unscathed.

I don't know, just my input.

I'm a "noob" don't listen to this guy!

Holy guacamole, man this got dug up from the ashes.  Thanks for the read Asconch.  I know most people think I should have used the locket more, and maybe they're right, it's been ages since I looked at this, there is probably a lot I would change now.  I do remember I wanted to do a war story cuz I thought it would be a nice switch for the series.  Anywho, thanks again for taking the time to read this and giving me your thoughts, much appreciated :)