The Final Pawn by Craig Ramirez (craiger6) - Short, Drama - On the eve of a critical battle at the outset of the American Revolution, three people stuggle with their devotion to each other and their fledgling nation.  In the end, they find that not all is as it seems 17 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Craig,

I'm a sucker for a twist doncha know!

I love your writing style, and I can tell from your work that you spend time finding the right words for the descriptions.

It was a great piece, and certainly one of the better ones I've read in a while. The dialogue felt real. Was it researched at all?

SEMI-SPOILERS!

It was a brilliantly realized tale. When it switched to present day, I felt a genuine sense of wonder. I hadn't a clue where this was going, then BAM. Perfect in my opinion. Reminded me of an old series I used to watch as a kid called 'Tales of the unexpected'.

I like the fact that the reader is on a trip, not quite sure where they're going. You pulled it off expertly.

Be proud of it

Craig

Two words...
Utterly Briliant.

A story of true valor with an excellent twist.   The writing was almost too good.  Puts mine to shame.  I felt my heart racing during the battle scenes.  I only have one question, Craig.       Did you live in the year of 1777 or are you just a major history buff.  You did your homework for this one. It had the same intensity of Mel Gibson's The Patriot, and Last of the Mohicans.     After reading it I feel like I could go out and slay a dragon.  Testosterone rush.  Anyway, I'm rambling.   Good job.
a blip on pg. 7)
ROBERT
Margaret, is all right? What did
that man want?

One other thing...SPOILER...I would've liked to see Margaret sitting in the audience at the end during the chess game, like maybe she was David's love interest, or muse.  

Hi Craiger6.

I've noticed screenrider asking if you're a history buff, and in my previous post I asked if any reasearch had gone into this.

There's quite a bit of info about Margaret Corbin on the net, so yes, the background story was researched (and researched well). Good job. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Margaret_Corbin


As I said before, top stuff!

Craig

Hey Craig, this was recommended to me by Craig Cooper, so thought I'd check it out.

Your writing is very strong and although some might niggle that it cuts close to 'novel', I think it's excellent.  You have a great way with words that paints the scene brilliantly.

I did notice a few instances when you finish an action line with '...and says'.  I think I'd lose them, they're not needed.

The dialogue is spot on, I know you've done your homework and that the time and effort you've put in has really paid off.  Writing in an old fashioned language can take time, or it does for me anyway, but you've managed to hit the nail squarely on the head.  It reads perfectly, well done.

The battle scenes were well described and the last moments of the charge were really quite emotional...then I was kind of taken by shock of where we suddenly jumped to.

Of course the title is a clue but I was well engrossed in the story it never twigged that they might be a twist.  I'll admit that at first I was a little disappointed that the story of Paul, Robert and Maggie had it's conclusion cut a little short but then of course Paul, the final pawn, helpped win the day and took his place in...David's pocket.

I have to say Craig, this was excellent and one of the best shorts I've read here for a while.  Great work mate.

Craig,

I liked this, but I have to say I didn't love it as much as the others.  No doubt you're an extremely talented writer, and your gift for story telling is evident, and I did enjoy the twist at the end.

There were a few things to note and a few questions I had. I have to imagine that you're either a history major or professor, or a voracious reader, i.e.,  someone who has a great grasp and knowledge of that period, so I may be off base on some of these comments.

pg 2 - narrative near the bottom s/b "undeniable"

pg 7 - Robert's first line of dialogue s/b "is 'everything' all right"

On page 8 Robert proposes marriage as a question and with a lack of ceremony that I imagine most proposals carried during this time - I would have preferred a more "flowery" overture from someone of his stature (I realize the twist at the end would mitigate this somewhat, however the reader and audience at this point does not know the ending).

In your dialogue there is a noticeable absence of commas when your characters address others. After a while I started reading the dialogue probably faster than you intended me to. Also, the dialogue is peppered with contractions - shouldn't the more educated characters not use them?

Many of the important sounds that happen in the narrrative - for example, artillery shells on page 9 - are not capped, yet on page 12 you cap the word CHARGING.

On page 14 when Robert shouts orders to his men while a sound happens (not capped) shouldn't Robert's orders be dialogue? Or drowned out by the sound?

Also on 14 we see Margaret look through the spyglass as told strictly in the narrative.  Visually speaking, should we not get a POV - SPYGLASS there?

I agree with Alfy about the "so and so says" and about this reading like a novel at times - i.e., on page 15 in the narrative when you say "the enemy reacts predictably" - I don't know what a predictable reaction for them would be.

Again, overall this is a very good piece and you're a very good writer.  I think if you expand it a bit you could make it great.

AJR

Hi Guys,

Thanks so much for the read and the valuable feedback.  It really is appreciated particularly coming from all of you considering that I have enjoyed your respective works.

Screenrider,

Very interesting idea re: Margaret in the audience at the end.  I would probably have to make him a little older, but def something to think about.  Thanks for the idea.

Glad you enjoyed the battle scenes as I kind of got bogged down with them.  Wasn't sure if they were going to work.

CC,

Thanks for the recomendation.  Much appreciated.  

Yeah, the Margaret Corbin character was a historical figure who actually ended up running a cannon during one of the battles of the Revolutionary War.  Initially I had just decided to use the name and then as things went on it worked out nicely with her taking over the cannon.

Alffy,

Thanks for the read.  

Yeah still working on trying to limit the "novel" writing.  I think that I've made some strides from my first short, but I realize there is still much room for improvement.  I think sometimes I can't resist.  

I hear you on the "and says..." - I will edit.

Glad to hear that the dialouge worked for you.  This was one of my major concerns.  

Hey AJR,

Thanks for the read and the tips.

Interesting thought re: Robert's proposal.  In all probability, you are probably right.  I guess I kind of saw Robert as a no-nonsense type.  The thought that he would need to be more flowery or poetic in his proposal wouldn't really enter his mind in that he couldn't imagine that Maggie would entertain other suitors.  Especially not some farm boy.  Good idea though - will take under advisement.

"In your dialogue there is a noticeable absence of commas when your characters address others. After a while I started reading the dialogue probably faster than you intended me to. Also, the dialogue is peppered with contractions - shouldn't the more educated characters not use them?"

Yeah, def need to do a better job with the commas after a character addresses other.  CraigCooper had mentioned this to me as well.  Will edit.

You are right as well about the use of contractions.  Excellent point.

Also thanks for the tips about the CAPPING.  Also I didn't even think of the POV, but it seems you are right on there as well.

P.S.  The idea for this script actually came from a buddy of mine who knows I've been tinkering with writing.  We were watching college football in a bar and he mentioned the concept.  He initially suggested more of a medevial theme, but I wasn't all that familiar with the time period.  I'm not a history professor by any means but I do enjoy reading history, particularly early American history, so I decided to take a crack at it.  

Well, thanks again for all the input and advice.  It is greatly appreciated.  Thanks for the read, and please don't hesitate to let me know if there is anything in particular you'd like me to read of yours.

Craig

The description is great. It does go a little overboard occasionally and could be trimmed a little but it’s better to have to trim great material than to have boring description.

P6 - There are some slugline issues. We start out outside the hospital tent. Margaret enters from the back. Then you have another slugline for outside the tent. That scene is followed by yet another slug for the exterior of the hospital tent. If the action moves from the front of the tent to the rear, you need to make that clear but you don’t need three identical slugs in a row.

Personally, I think it would be clearer and more visual to have Paul follow Margaret into the tent and talk there, then have Margaret follow Paul out on the tail end of the conversation.

P9 - Who is James?

P9 - “The cavalrymen are gone.” That’s a little too vague for me. “They’re gone” could mean they’re all dead. Could mean they ran away in fear. In a screenplay, that could mean they were transported to another dimension by aliens. :) You’re good with description. Seemed strange you would toss out such a vague description.

P10 - The doctor’s last dialogue just rang so on the nose for me. Margaret has the same line, “Thank you doctor,” before and afterward. Personally, I would cut out the first “thank you doctor” and the doctor’s “you’re our salvation” lines.

P13 - The aide de camp. I would just name him Mathew right from the start.

I didn’t care for the ending all that much. It was just okay for me. I liked the Revolutionary War story. For a short, I thought it was very engrossing. Then the jump to the present was in my opinion pointless. It didn’t connect to the story in any way except to help people who are too oblivious to see the correlation between a pawn in a chess game and the way “pawns” are dispatched with on the battlefield.

The chess player valued his pawn. Robert valued his pawn. None of it makes the pawn anything but a pawn, someone or something to be sacrificed for something perceived to be more important. Is that the message here? That we should all appreciate the pawns of the world? If so, that message would have been better served if you would have left the ending off altogether and added some meaningful ending to the war story. I would have found it more satisfying.

The writing is very good though. Description in particular. Well written all around really. Good job. :)


Breanne

Hi Breanne,

Thanks for the read and the tips.  Much appreciated.

Yeah, the slugline at the tent has been mentioned by a couple of people.  I'll have to be more clear there.

P9 - Who is James?

Oops, that was the main character from my last short.  haha.  My bad.

P9 - “The cavalrymen are gone.” That’s a little too vague for me.

I hear ya, but I guess I wanted to be a little vague there as I had the ending in mind.  Interesting though.  I'll think about it.

Gotcha on introducing the aide de camp.

Glad you liked the war portion of the short, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to pull it off.  

Thanks again for the tips.  They are really appreciated.

Craig

Hey Craig,

I liked this script alot. And the twist was a nice concept. I might have added flashbacks during the scene of David explaining how he had won. The love story ended quite abrubltly for me. Maybe you could show Margeret crying over Pauls corpse, while Robert comforts her in one of Davids flashbacks at the end. Might give the story more closure for me, I need closure!  

Pg 6. I didn't understand why James made a hasty getaway, but then talks to Margaret.

Pg. 8 The marriage proposal needed more build up i think

Pg 9. James?

Pg 10 I would have liked to have seen the doctor putting more of a resistence to margaret leaving, he lets her go very easily.

But Im only nit picking really! Great script. Very touching story. I like the fact that Paul sacrificed himself for Margaret and the army. Your descriptions of the battle scenes were excellent. I can see you've put alot of effort into this. Great stuff.

John

I hate to be the lone dissenting voice, but I did not care for this one.  I felt the writing was too heavy-handed.  The laborious descriptions seemed to slow down the read.

The ending may have been clever, but it didn't work for me.  I don't see the payoff in getting emotionally involved in characters and then finding out that they never existed.  Not to say this type of ending would never work for me; it just didn't work this time.

Hey Jimbob,

Thanks for the read and the tips.  I hear you on more closure, makes sense.  I guess I didn't expect that people would get that involved in that part of the story.  But that's stupid of me since that is the meat and potatos of the script.  Will take it under adivsement.

Hey Yosef,

No worries and thanks for the read.  I'm still trying to find that nice balance b/w description and story telling.  Hopefully I will get you next time.

Thanks Guys.

Craig

Craig

From reading this and "The Loss Of Fear" it more than confirms to me that you have a firm grasp of the English language and are able to articulate yourself proficiently. However, it’s unfortunate that in this particular literary medium this can serve beneficially as well as be a hindrance. I already alluded to the over writing of "The Loss of Fear" as did many others. Fine, well expressed over writing I may add but too much all the same for a spec script.

This suffers from a similar affliction, albeit not as severe. In fact I think your prose here is exceptionally well put together while it could still do with a slight trimming. Maybe lessen the eye description as a way of discerning what a character feels or what there about. For example:

"This is PAUL GRANDER (23). Paul, rustically handsome with intelligent eyes,"

"Despite these upper crust sensibilities, his eyes indicate a willingness to fight until the end."

-- A range of emotions can be conveyed through eye "language". Intelligence, maybe but not that someone has "a willingness to fight until the end" I would classify that under un-filmable. Let his words and actions of a character portray this.


While I see what Yosef meant about "heavy handed" I think you done a decent job at attempting to accurately replicate the way people talked back then (my limited knowledge coming from documentaries chronicling that era or novels written during that time) They always seemed to talk so grandiosely and proper (a lot better the present day) making the flowery, distinguished language work fine here thus fitting the piece.

GENERAL CORBIN (CONT’D)
I only wish they did not have to
know war. Engineers should concern
themselves with building up
humanity, not tearing it down. -- Good line


EXT. CAMP - NIGHT
A pastor, JONATHAN GOODSTEAD (39), stands on a crate and
delivers an impassioned speech to a group of baby faced men.

JONATHAN
You, men of these 13 colonies, have
decided to stand as one. As free
men against a King who has been led
astray by thieving and bloodthirsty
advisors. A King who sacrificed
the love and admiration of an
entire continent of loyal subjects
for the enrichment of his coffers.

Paul stops and listens.

-- You should specify a change of scene here or an intercut between outside the camp and inside Paul's tent. It’s a little unclear the way you have it written. I got the impression Paul was one of the crowd but the preceding scene suggests otherwise.

"Margaret enters from the back of the tent. They briefly exchange a glance before Paul attempts a hasty getaway."

-- I don't understand Paul making a "hasty getaway" when in the very next scene he speaks to Margaret. Also there doesn't appear to be a need for the scene heading since we stay in the same place outside the hospital tent and the time is "CONTINUOUS". Please correct if I read this wrong.

"James stares across the field at the enemy." -- Who is James?

"In a flash the cavalry is given the order to CHARGE." -- Maybe have this a line of dialogue, no big deal.

EXT. BLUFF - DAY -- What do you mean by BLUFF?

"She slowly comes to and is confronted with the carnage that has been left behind."

-- Nothing really wrong with the writing here except is perhaps a little too telling rather than showing Margaret's distress through physical reactions.

"They will be on him soon." -- This doesn't read well, in that its almost predicting something that may occur rather than actually showing us what is happening, in other words, what are we supposeed to be seeing on screen. The way you have it placed as a single line in between two paragraphs doesn't help the fluency of it either. The same applies to the line "It will be over soon." below it.

Great twist at the end, I defy anyone who claims they saw that coming. Very clever analogy of the war’s unfolding mirroring the game of chess. I wondered the first time why the men had simply disappeared, when it happened the second time I knew something was up, nicely done.

Overall, I definitely enjoyed this. It was a well thought out story, rich with imagination (of course), well drawn characters and finely written as a whole.

Good job

Col.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 "James stares across the field at the enemy." -- Who is James? EXT. BLUFF - DAY -- What do you mean by BLUFF?

Hey Col.,

Some great tips as usual.  Much appreciated.

The reference to James was simply a mistake.  Hewas the character from my previous short and I must have had him on the brain still.

I mean the bluff of a hill overlooking the battlefield.  I see how it's not exactly clear.  I think I'll just change it to hillside
  
After two attempts it's clear that the "overwriting" is certainly something that I will have to be cognisant of going forward.

Thanks again for the tips.  I'll definetly take them under advisement.  As always, please let me know if I can return the favor.

Craig

Craig

"I mean the bluff of a hill overlooking the battlefield.  I see how it's not exactly clear.  I think I'll just change it to hillside"

-- I wouldn't go changing it on the basis that I wasn't familiar with the term. It doesn't seem like anybody else was at a loss with it so maybe its just me. Although it is always preferable to use simplier language where possible, I wouldn't be too hasty in altering your language style just cos of one ignorant individual such as myself.

Yeah the overwriting can be something to work on but at least you are able to write, trimming back is just a matter of changing habit and realising what to discard and what should be kept

Check out "A Seven Backed Up By a Two" if you find the time and let me know if you have anything else besides whats on your sig.

Col.

Hey, very nice piece.  I think everyone else covered most of what I noticed.

A couple places were missing commas, especially around 'sir'.  If a titles in the middle of dialogue it probably needs commas on either side.
A couple times you referred to people/calvary being 'gone'.  Obviously nobody would be gone, there would just be body parts.  Unless you want them to disappear, like they were chess pieces being removed, but I think that would have to be clarified a bit.
Some of the dialogue was a bit stilted.  Could just be the antiquated english and all, but I think it could use a little work.
Also might want to cut the ending a tad shorter.  Just once the reveal has been made, theres not really much else to say.

Good stuff though, definately enjoyed it

Hi Jackx,

Thanks for the read and the tips.

Yeah, I've since been doing a bit of editing regarding the commas for this story and my other one.  I think I've picked up most of the missing commas.

Regarding the cavalry being "gone", yeah I was trying to be subtle in light of the ending, but I figured a few eagled eyed readers would pick up on it.  Have to give it some thought on how to improve that.

Interesting take on the ending after the reveal.  Will take that under consideration.

Thanks again for the read and the tips.

Craig

Hi,

Saw you had done a historical piece, so thought I'd give that a read too seeing as you took the time over my historical script. A lot has already been said, so I'm only going to put what I think are new comments.

My big issue is that I didn't think the battle scene worked historically or would work in filming. The reason is that you seem to be caught between two places. You describe it as a major, large scale battle, but then a lot of the action only works if it is a small skirmish. I think you've got to decide on one or the other. Here are some examples of what I mean:

1. I don't think it's plausible that someone in a big battle would send a note to the medical tent asking for a single volunteer. Why was a single volunteer worth anyone's while. I don't know about this particular battle, but these battles were fought with thousands or tens of thousands of soldiers. In this context, I don't think it's plausible that one person would be so significant

2. The cannon Maggie fires knocks down some soldiers and they celebrate. As I said earlier, this only works if it's a skirmish. In a battle the smoke would be so dense that you'd be lucky to see a few yards in front, nevermind track the shot like a golfball and see where it lands

3. The battle seems to turn on Robert's diversion with a few men. Again, this might work in a very small encounter but isn't plausible in a major battle

I think to make this work and filmable you need to reengineer it as a much smaller affair. That way you can more easily weave the personal stories in.

Great twist! And a good script. Although - as a Brit - it pains me to say it given the subject matter...

Best,
Jamie

Hey Jamie,

Thanks for the read and the tips.

When I initially conceived the idea I wanted to try and be historically accurate, but after doing some research, I didn't think that I could pull it off.  Certainly not in the amount of space I wanted to devote to the story.

In addition to not being historically accurate, the battle scenes overall were a big concern for me as this was only the second thing that I had written and I was concerned that they wouldn't be engaging enough.  That said, I definetly see where you are coming from.  After reading "Munich" and the great pains you went through to achieve historical accuracy, I was a bit embarrassed at my effort.  haha.

As far as it being filmable, well, unless I hit the lotto, that seems unlikely.  Historically accurate or not.  That said, if I choose to expand on it, I'll try and do a better job in that regard.

Thanks again for the read and the valuable tips.  Much appreciated.

Craig

Hi Craig, this is the last of your four shorts that I haven't read yet. I didn't look at the previous comments so this may be repetitive.

For the most part, this story reminds me of Pearl Harbor: a love triangle in the midst of a national war. It's a good template to use. But somehow it suffers from the same mistakes from that movie as well.

Here are something I like: the writing, the setting, the atmosphere, the emotion near the end. You've painted a vivid picture of 1777 United States and it was very easy for me to immerse with the setting.

Each character is distinctive, not stereotypical. Margaret is a strong woman who wants to help out at war, Paul comes from a farmboy background while Robert is at the opposite end of the spectrum. There were some great tension at the camp site when the three meet. But it kinda dissipated a bit too fast, I hope you can ramp up the tension more.

All is good, but once the battle takes precedence, it feels like two different stories got stitched together.

First, Margaret really didn't do much (what I mean is she didn't affect anybody, especially Paul and Robert) for the second half of the script. She was like an outsider doing her own things in helping out the war. She was like Kate Beckinsale, the nurse in Pearl Harbor. She saved a lot of lives, but didn't do much in the whole scheme of the story.

The battle scenes were really well-written. And if you can get Margaret more involved at the battlefield, or even better, have her interact with both Paul and Robert, that would make her character more organic.

Maybe it's just me, the ending with the chess tournament didn't feel right to me. It just feels the tone is completely off from the rest of the script. At first, I thought people in the auditorium were watching the events that we just experienced on TV. That'd make me groan.

It's a risk to end the story with a completely different set of characters. We were experiencing the events, going along with the ride, and then we were suddenly taken out of the story into another world. This leaves very little resolution and closure for your original story. So what's gonna happen with Margaret and Robert after Paul died? Are they gonna be together even Paul is the one who Margaret loves?

I understand what you're trying to achieve with the chess game. Paul is the last pawn and his bravery and sacrifice leads to their victory. Is there another way you can say the same thing but within the same 1777 United States world?

Writing-wise, there were several missing commas, sometimes too prose-like but that adds to the imagery of the scene. Who's James? A typo?

So, I did enjoy it, but wish for a different ending. Good job.


Herman

Ahh...so Margaret is actually a real person, and on wikipedia, it says Margaret was with her husband at the battlefield the entire time.

Do you think it's a stretch to have your Margaret character joining Paul, or Robert?

BTW, were you a novel writer before you take on screenwriting?

Hi Herman,

Thanks for taking the time to read this one.  It’s actually funny that you comment on this one, because I entered this in a contest a while back.  While I was lucky enough to make it through the first round, I was unceremoniously booted from t he competition yesterday.  I was a little disappointed, but your feedback comes at a really good time.

I think that some of the things that you’ve hit upon are things that I need to re-evaluate.

“You've painted a vivid picture of 1777 United States and it was very easy for me to immerse with the setting.”

Glad it worked for you in this sense.  One of my major concerns was whether the writing would feel authentic.

“But it kinda dissipated a bit too fast, I hope you can ramp up the tension more.”

I suppose I could have drawn out the love triangle a bit longer, but with a short, I’m always concerned about space.

“First, Margaret really didn't do much (what I mean is she didn't affect anybody, especially Paul and Robert) for the second half of the script. She was like an outsider doing her own things in helping out the war.”

Right.  She gets involved, but not with the two main characters.  I think you mentioned that you want to get her right on the battlefield where there could be further interaction between the three characters.  I think this is a good point.

“The battle scenes were really well-written.”

Glad this worked for you, as it was my first stab at “action” scenes, so I didn’t know if it would work.

“It's a risk to end the story with a completely different set of characters. We were experiencing the events, going along with the ride, and then we were suddenly taken out of the story into another world. This leaves very little resolution and closure for your original story. So what's gonna happen with Margaret and Robert after Paul died? Are they gonna be together even Paul is the one who Margaret loves?”

I hear you.  I think the ending, depending upon how much the rest of the story grabs the reader; can either be this whole story’s best friend, or worst enemy.  If you enjoyed the whole love triangle thing, then you are probably going to be left hollow by the ending.  Alternatively, if you were so-so about that whole scene, then perhaps the ending saves it for you.  The truth is, I have no idea what happens to these three, because their whole creation was borne out of the idea of the ending which a buddy of mine shared with me.  I thought it was a really cool idea, and then ran with it.

“Writing-wise, there were several missing commas, sometimes too prose-like but that adds to the imagery of the scene. Who's James? A typo?”

Thanks to some of the earlier comments, I’ve updated this (though it’s not posted), and I think I got most of the commas and stuff like that.  Yeah, James is a typo from another story.

“Ahh...so Margaret is actually a real person, and on wikipedia, it says Margaret was with her husband at the battlefield the entire time.

Do you think it's a stretch to have your Margaret character joining Paul, or Robert?”

Yeah, I kind of borrowed her likeness.  Hope she doesn’t mind.  Haha.  To answer your question though, no I don’t think it’s a stretch.  I’ll think about how I can change some things around.

“BTW, were you a novel writer before you take on screenwriting?”

Nah, the whole of my authorship is listed below in chronological order.  And now that I say that, it’s none to impressive.  Haha.  Seriously though, thanks for the read Herman, as always, it is much appreciated.

Craig

Just intro YOUNG MAN as PAUL GANDER. wastes space to do otherwise.

On page 3 you've got "Paul stops and listens." When did he leave the tent?? Is he still in there?? Was he walking by?? This description needs to be better.

"Orders are shouted." - pg 8 - I didn't like this. Would rather hear what was shouted VOICE (O.S.). Then the men assemble. Or even a bugle sounding.

pg. 15
The cavalry is
charges. - typo

FADE TO WHITE: - I thought Jeff had that copyrighted.

pg. 16
INT. AUDITORIUM - CONTINUOUS

Don't get why this slug was needed. We never left. Vern should just run up on stage.

Overall, I liked this. And your writing. Was a nice twist. Though it seemed a bit of a complex love story for a 12 year old to imagine. Your descriptiions were the highlight for me. Very well written. Better grasp of English then I have.

Good stuff...

James

Hello again Craig,

Quite a departure from Trippin with the Goldsteins! ;)

I dig the premise big time. I like period pieces.
Its clearly written, albeit rather novel like in your descriptions.
In some ways its clunky, in others, it oddly supports the period dialogue.
I like your character work and your research efforts shine well.

**SPOILERS**

What I don't like is the ending, I felt cheated, plain and simple.
I gave myself to your story, got invested in the characters, then fooled.
Perhaps I'm missing something but the twist ending felt very arbitrary.
Like, "The Village" arbitrary!
That was an engaging period piece with parlor tricks applied simply because they could.
I don't believe a prepubescent chess whiz came up with those character dynamics.

You have some fine skills sir and the first 16 pages were a pleasure to experience.

Please reconsider the Shyamalan shenanigans next time! :)    

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Guys,

Thanks for taking the time to read this one.  I realize it's a little over written in parts, but I haven't been able to bring myself to make any wholesale changes.  I kind of feel it fits the piece.

James:

"Though it seemed a bit of a complex love story for a 12 year old to imagine."

I guess you have a point here.  Your average 12 year old isn't going to be thinking of this kind of stuff.  I guess I was going for the angle that this 12 year old is a prodigy and therefore he might have a different imagination.  But your point is valid.

"pg. 16
INT. AUDITORIUM - CONTINUOUS

Don't get why this slug was needed. "

I admit it.  I'm kind of a mess when it comes to slugs.  Sometimes I just feel like there should be one, and I opt for "continuous".  You are probably right though.

E.D.:

"What I don't like is the ending, I felt cheated, plain and simple.
I gave myself to your story, got invested in the characters, then fooled."

Yeah I hear you.  The truth is that this story actually grew out of the ending which a buddy of mine shared with me.  I thought it was a cool idea, so I went and created the rest of the story.  Some other people have had similar reactions.  I think it depends on the person.  For some people, the ending seemed to have made the story work for them, while for others, it was the beginning that they preffered.  

"Please reconsider the Shyamalan shenanigans next time! "

Haha - maybe that's part fo the problem.  I like M. Night!  I think he kind of gets a bad wrap.  No worries though.

Well, glad you both mostly enjoyed it and thanks for the reads.  It's truly appreciated.

Craig

Craig,

I truly enjoyed reading your script.  I was taken into a time of war amongst the colonies and a reminder of how times were back in the 1700's.  The twist at the end threw me for a loop.  I got lost.  I was confused.  I didn't know what happened.  I literally had to go back to the beginning again and see if I missed something.  I read the title and it all came clear to me.  It made sense.  You really pull the reader into a time of peril, lives lost during battle, and the strong will to not only survive war, but to conquer the enemy.

I am not going to give this one away.  I believe your readers should enjoy this one very much.  I want them to experience what I did as well.  Though confused, I suddenly realized what I was actually reading.  And that's what made this experience very enjoyable.