The Smith Family Christmas by Marvin K. Perkins - Short, Political Satire - The Smith family has a good Christmas after all due to an unexpected vistor. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

I don't get it.  Seriously...


SPOILER SPACE

The Santa Clauses robbing the bank was okay.  Topical, if not original.  Then Bush, Obama and Scrooge make an interesting.  But the Greatest American Hero?  This wins the WTF award for coming out of left field.  What made you decide to use a 1980's television series character?

If you're going to use this character, you really should include some background on him.  Not everyone will understand or know who he is.  Or why he's in the story.

Aside from the story, I think your writing can be a little tighter.  You could probably trim the script down to four pages if you tried.


Phil

I second this:

Quoted from dogglebe The Santa Clauses robbing the bank was okay.  Topical, if not original.  Then Bush, Obama and Scrooge make an interesting.  But the Greatest American Hero?  This wins the WTF award for coming out of left field.

Hello Marvin,

This is my 2nd Christmas script of the evening.  Interesting but not sure of the overall point.  I can see the good in this but maybe a backdrop of some sort regarding the Smith family.  Comic characters coming to life?

Anyway,

When Obama refers to the Santa's as Santa's helpers.  This is wrong as they would be dressed as elves.

I was wondering, do security guards in American banks carry guns?  Are there not barriers to stop people jumping over nowadays?  If not, then this is probably set in the past.

I agree that you could probably trim about 1/2 a page.  It was a fairly quick read.

I wonder if you're around?

All the best,



Javier

It seemed you couldn't decide where to go with this one.  At first, it started out as a heist story, then seemed to morph into a bizarre black comedy.  And then it concludes with a standard Christmas ending.  I'd say pick one of those angles and just stick with it throughout the story.

I was really hoping at the end that you were going to pull out some dark twist like a dye pack from the bank bag going off and coating the whole family.  Ah well, just a thought.

Guys, thanks for your responses. I keep working and hoping I will come up with something that someone on the board will actually like. This script basically just came to me. The Santas represent good ,the bank is bad. The masked figures are bad and of course The Greatest American Hero, who represents good and  all American heros.  The Smith's are the havenots in general. This is how I envisioned the story. CAM17, I kinda like your dye pack idea. I see where everyone is coming from about the story. It's just the way it came to me. Thanks again, Marvin.

Read this while taking a break from writing.

I thought the ending was not so great, but other than that I thought it was pretty funny. Would have been even more funny if it was Obama or Nancy Pelosi handing the Smith's the money. Maybe saying something like "there's more where that came from" if you don't mind getting political.

Seriously! I think you did pretty good!  :)

Me, thanks a lot, I really appreciate your comments. I don't mind getting polital at all.  I'm glad you thought it was pretty good. I will contunue to work on it as I do with all my projects. Thanks again.  Marvin.