Jimmy Biggs by John Keating (jimbob) - Short, Drama - The story of a man who struggles through everyday of his life. 18 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi John,

I don't think you have to CAP the names of the characters in the dialouge once you've done so when you first introduce them.

I would also think about maybe re-working the dialouge for the mugger on p. 8.  I think it's a bit too spot on.

I find these kind of stories about the down and out every man intriguing as I think we can all realte to some of the things you touched upon here.  That said, I think you might be able to cut out some things like Jim getting canned from a bunch of jobs.  I think you've already made it clear in the first few pages that he is pretty down on his luck.

I like the idea that by the end he has started to take charge of his life, but I was a little confused about the scene with the Mother and the child.  

Also, rather than having him fight the muggers why not have him meet up with these girls and see if he can make something out of that.

Anyway, I hope this helps.  Good luck.

Craig

Hey Craig,

Thanx for reading my script. I had seen people CAPPING their characters names throughout their scripts so I just figured it was the thing to do. Didnt realize they dropped the CAPS in dialogues. Thank for the heads up. Im kinda slow!

Regarding the mugger's dialogue on page 8, I dont understand how you mean it is too spot on. In my head, the mugger is crazy, and may be on drugs. I wanted the scene to come across as surreal. Jim is thinking "what the hell is this guy saying!?"

Im pleased that you could relate to the story. What i wanted to do was beat this guy up for most of the script, and then have him snap, and go insane.  I wasnt really looking for a happy ending. I wanted to convey the harsh reality of life, that this type of thing could and probably does happen to certain people.

My idea of the mother and her baby at the end was to show how far he had strayed from that kind of innocence and the "feeling" he was talking about earlier in the script.

Thanx for your feedback Craig. Much appreciated!

John

Hey John,

Yeah, I think you can def lose the caps after you introduce them.  That said, I'm kind of new to this as well, but I think you can drop it.

With regard to the dialouge on p. 8, I just think you can try and make it a little less formal.  Like you have the mugger says he is going to stick the knife into his body.  Maybe just "I'll stick you".

I hear you on not having a happy ending.  Often times these are my favorite stories as well.

Like I said, I think that you have a relatable concept.  The idea of being sick and tired of your work and that things just keep getting worse and worse are things that everyone can relate to.  I just think you can cut some scenes and still convey that idea.  

Thanks,
Craig