Brown and White by Steve Langridge (stevel1882) - Drama - A desperate drug addict, with the help of his best friend, must repay a debt to a violent street gang or face the loss of his girlfriend, his morals and ultimately, his life. 86 pages - pdf, format 8)

This is my first contribution on this website and my first completed feature length screenplay. New to the discussion boards as well, but any comments or feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

After reading this script, it seems certain to me that you have writing talent, a good ear for dialogue and a good sense of timing for a drama.

Yet...

The story you tell is unpleasant and unoriginal, in my opinion.  The characters are also unpleasant and unoriginal.  On the other hand, many sucessful films are made from just such ingredients.

As I read the script, it didn't matter to me what happened to the characters, perhaps that was your intention.

Bottom line, for me, I think you are wasting your first rate skills on a second rate drama.

Steve,

I'm a recovering drug addict so I can relate to this story.  Unlike a normie who's never experienced the pangs of drug addiction.   So I can see where CM is coming from.  It's a difficult subject to write about and make it sound like a bed of roses, epsecially if you're trying to appeal to the mainstream audience.

Not to mention, Trainspotting and Requiem For A Dream pretty much topped out the subject of addiction.  You can't get much better than those two movies.  With all that said, you're writing is excellent.  Top notch.   You've got great potential.

The ending was perfect.  A great payoff.   My only real problem is with the title. Hated it.  But that's just me.  Now I'm gonna be honest and say I had to speed read through alot of this story because my day is busy, so I'm sorry I can't give you more detailed feedback.  But what I did read was pretty darn impressive.

I'm curious to see your next script.  

Keep on keepin' on.
Best regards

P.S. - There is one major format problem.  And somebody please correct me if I'm wrong.  But you need to have an extra space between where one scene ends and the next scene heading.  Check out some of Phil Clarke's scripts or Mike Shelton's.  For example ...


INT. JODIE'S FLAT - BEDROOM - DAY
The sound of a shower disturbs the figure, wrapped in a
duvet cocoon on the double bed.

//////////(Extra space here)//////////////

INT. TEE'S FLAT - KITCHEN - DAY
Rubber gloved hands drain the saucepan to reveal a block
of cream coloured, wax-type substance.

CM - Thanks very much for your comments. As I said this is my first attempt at writing a screenplay so any comments received are of great help.

It's a shame that you don't like the characters (I like at least three of them!). Maybe I could have changed some actions so that you can engage and 'route' for them more. I take that on board, so thankyou.

screenrider - Again, massive thanks for your feedback. The characters and the story are based upon real people and experiences. I have always known that this story would not be liked by many, but once I started it I had to finish it just to get it out of the way!

I'm glad you like the ending.

The title Brown and White comes from the streetnames given to Heroin and Crack in England (Brown - Heroin, White - Crack). Not the greatest title but it entertained me for a while!

The format problem - Yes! I thought the same. This was how Movie magic software spaced it automatically. I thought all along that it looked wrong but went with it. I'm glad you have helped to confirm my suspicions.

Once again, all of the comments are much appreciated. Hopefully I will be able to return the favour with some feedback of my own soon....after the New year!

Happy New year!