Unknown by Razi Haider - Short - Caught up in her physic dilemma, a claustrophobic girl who hates her mother is locked in a room 5 pages.  See film version at: http://vimeo.com/5045126 (no subtitles) - pdf, format 8)

I really didn't get this. At all.

All the foreign dialogue makes it tough to read, but I just didn't understand the story or who the characters were. There are a few formatting issues as well but since this is already filmed I don't know if it is worth pointing out. Congrats on having this filmed though.

Cheers,
Tim.

thanks Tim for the congrats. I think the sub-titles really did, overburdened the script. Try seeing the film, you may get it.
The short film is taken from one of my short stories about a girl who is claustrophobic and she thinks that her mother has locked her in a room.
She has an imaginary friend. She keeps hating her face as she thinks she looks like her mother.While her imaginary friend keeps provoking her to be suicidal.

The constraints put by the director for the movie were that it had to be a 3-4 min movie with two characters only. Which made it quite difficult to play with the relationship with both the imaginary friend and her mother. I had to move to the symbolic world to create the effect I wanted to create.
I think the story would have been clear if the relationship between the girl and her mother was elaborated.
I know it is a difficult read. Having a skim through it and then watching it, will make it a lil easy....
I am really sorry i could not get the sub-titles on the short film itself

Razi,

I agree it was definitely hard to follow.  I imagine it was a diifficult project for you to pull off from a screenwriter's standpoint.  On the other hand I watched all three films and I thought "In the Foyer" was excellent.   Nice job on the usage of subtext leading up to their first kiss.  

Best regards

Ya It was ...I don't know if I really pulled it off or not. I am planning to write a longer short in order to in-corporate the relationship of the girl and her mother ..
Ya " in the foyer " is a good one...simple and spot on. Akifa mian is a good director. She was able to create some good shots in UNKNOWN too

Razi

I owed you a read.

First off, congrats on getting it made, well done.

In terms of the script, this was a strange one. Kinda reminds me of David Lynch's "Inland Empire" where the lead character is confused over who she is, slipping in and out of consciousness, trapped inside an enclosed space (here its the bedroom room in I.E it’s the labyrinthine film set) and the random, seemingly incoherent interactions with other characters such as the woman outside the door, presumably the mother (which I'm only guessing on the basis of the logline as there is nothing in the script to suggest this) and Khurram who comes in and out of Ayesha’s presence.

"A string is wound around a door handle, holding a plastic doll on one end and a knife on the other end. - Balanced. -"

-- This reoccurring image seems to be the key to the whole thing. It’s acts as a representation of Ayesha's ailing mental state, her descent into madness as signified by the knife disrupting the balance, rising to the top while the doll, signifying beauty, youth or innocence, is overcome and falls to the ground.

The dialogue was fine within the context of the story (I didn't mind the subtitles, if English isn't your first language that’s fair enough, I can get over the repeated lines) it was edgy, cryptic and downright weird at times, but in a good way as it served the story.

The light flickering of the TV is stroboscopic now. -- Very Lynchian, as is the whole feel, mood, tone and atmosphere which is what I liked about it.

It appears to me that Ayesha is on the verge of a break down and has locked herself in her room, Khurram maybe a partner, husband or brother I don’t know. These four pages feel like they are describing her final moments or meltdown before she kills herself. She is the classic unreliable narrator of sorts, her mind is playing tricks on her, paranoia is ever present so it’s hard for us to know what’s real and what’s in her head.

Overall this was weird, very weird but I'm intrigued all the same as to your intentions. I'll get a chance to check out the filmed version later and let you know what I think of it. Hopefully it might answer some questions.

Some formatting notes, even though you got it made already so effectively these are futile although it still won't do you any harm for your future works.

"A sink is shown with water pouring from the tap." -- This would work better like this "Water pours from the sink’s tap" saying "is shown" is directing the scene which should be kept to a minimum in spec scripts but again, since you've filmed it, it doesn't really matter.

"She seems out of breath. Expressions of anxiety are on her face." -- Could be rewritten as "She seems out of breath, appears anxious." It’s all about saying as much as you can in as few words as possible.

Try to keep blocks of action down to four lines at a time, helps break up the read.

"She opens the door of the bathroom to ease herself" -- Why would this ease herself?

"(Sounds of TV commercials can be heard)"

I wouldn't bracket sentences within the action, just write them as normal.

AYESHA (DISGUSTED) -- Wrylies go under the name although here is an exception here due to the two languages used.

"Ayesha slowly brings the key to his mouth." -- Should that be "her" instead of "his"?

Col,

Thanks a lot for a thorough read .. I was a little depressed at the response people showed. Although I knew that this story would only be liked by a certain group of  viewers. Every one wont be able to understand it.

You are quite right about the symbolism of the doll and the knife.I have left it to the viewer to decide about its meaning though.

Ya about the lynchian approach, you are damn right. I love Lynch's work and some how I always come-up with stories that have to do some thing about playing with the mind of the protagonist.

"Ayesha slowly brings the key to HER mouth." -- ya you r right!! :)


I will try reading your shorts in the coming days and will let you know what do I think about it.

Thanks again for your reply.  

Cheers

Razi

Razi

To be honest, man, it doesn't surprise me that the reception has been less than positive, this certainly isn't for everyone. It's "an acquired taste", to coin a much over used phrase but don't let that bother you. While I think it can definitely do with a rewrite for cleaning up purposes, dropping the dual dialogue and possibly giving some of the images and scene transitions more clarity, I would emplore you not to deviate from your vision and the type of stuff you want to write and ultimately see up on screen.

Personally, I'd love to see more obscure, distorted, surreal ventures like this on the boards. I know you could run the risk of every kind of spoofer posting up any old tat and calling it "art" but what you have here does have some focus and correalation admist all the strangeness. There is that underlying current of foreboding, impending doom which permeates the piece throughout, unsettling the reader which I feel is quite effective and again harks back to Lynch's "Inland Empire". Not to mention been a very unique script in terms of what I read on these boards. So ,if anything, I can imagine this staying with me a lot longer than a lot of stuff I've read, including my own.

This site can be a very rewarding and beneficial if you contribute i.e. read as much as you can, post your thoughts and you won't be long getting return reads, opinions and tips. Naturally, the more that read your work the better chance of you coming across like minded people who'll see what you're trying to do. I know Glenn Bresciani (Tonkatough) is a big Lynch fan, he might be someone for you to get on to for a read exchange. Don't be too downhearted, you've gotten stuff made (still haven't checked it out but I will very soon) which is more than what I can say.

You must understand also that its a hard sell especially since you are a new member, whose not known around the boards and only has a few posts to his name...thus far, I hope. Its a pretty out there script for a first submission and again I applaud that as I'm sure a few others will, you're laying down a marker but still, you know what I mean, its going to have people scratching their heads as to who the fu?k is this guy. ;) If you do decide to read anything else I have on here you'll notice how conventional it is, I have some left field stuff written which I'd hardly show to anyone let alone put it up on a public forum...but that's just me, I'm a lily livered chicken sh?t, all talk, no action :X

If you do tackle a rewrite or have anything else in the pipeline, let me know.

Col.

I am grateful for your motivational comments.
You are right reading and commenting on others works earns some reads. At least that's how you read my script :).
This essentially needs a re-write; I will keep in mind the things that you have pointed out.

Quoted Text I can imagine this staying with me a lot longer than a lot of stuff I've read, including me own.

I am happy that you think that way. You as a writer know that appreciation is the only stimulus that motivates you to write new and better stuff.
I will try getting my reads by some lynch fans. I need some like headed people to read my stuff for sure.

Thanks mate

new link : for the video :
http://www.youtube.com/user/srazihaider#p/a/u/0/EWjsSQn7jJw

     

Razi

Good job with the film, I love the look, very creepy and effective. Unfortunately, I can't speak your native language and there were no subtitles so it took away the punch of the narrative for me. I always imagined the knife and doll to be on the other side of the door, I don't know why, makes no difference either way. I had hoped the unbalancing between those two items would feature in the closing images as she chokes but we never see them besides the sped up images at 1:49 and when she walks to the apartment door before receiving the key.

Nicely done other than that, some cool cuts in there particularly when she looks through the peephole. How did you achieve that shot? As I said, the look totally fitted the atmosphere of the piece, very Inland Empire-ish.

Well done.

Col.

Hey razi, just read this one.

Some very intriguing stuff going on here, the doll, the knife, the swallowing of the key, but I'm afraid that the point escapes me.

Is the protagonist being held prisoner? Or maybe she's afraid to leave for some reason? Sorry I didn't "get it".

Colkurtz8 has made some good suggestions about how to punch up the writing. Shorter paragraphs. Present tense. All good advice.

Keep writing.

thanks Mr Z .. I am the one who says " ThaTs Unpossible" ,

LOLz ... ya i got colz point .. It was actually a little late for the suggestion .. cause my director did not mind those long paragraphs :P .. but ... I will be keeping this in my mind in my next scripts ...

The Girl has actually locked herself in a room while thinking that her mother has held her as a prisoner ... the point that she eats the key could be interpreted in different ways .. but the way I want it to be interpreted is that by eating that key she has locked herself forever in that room ...