Jack by Kris Lawrence - Drama - Jack is a young hitman who is the best at what he does, but when a bitter and angry ex-boyfriend hires jack to kill his girlfriend. jack finds himself in the middle of a game being played by either the boyfriend or the girlfriend. in a circle of lies will jack overcome it or simply fall into this trap. 60 pages - pdf, format 8)

hi i am looking for feedback on this script, i know there are alot of things wrong with it. such as grammer and format but this is only a first draft and i am just looking for honest feedback on this screenplay to determine weather or not i should continue with this story. if you could be as honest and harsh as possible it would be much appreciated, mind you once i continue the story, i will rewrite it in the correct format.

thanks kris

writermcgee,

I'll try to sum up what I believe everyone else after me will say:

If you know it needs work, why not work on it now before posting it?
If you'll re-write in the correct format later on, why not do it now?

And to be honest, with that kind of half-hearted self (non)endorsement, why would anyone put their own work aside to critique what you've already admitted needs work?

My advice to you is to read scripts, read books on how to write scripts, and get this into the proper format before posting.

Also, belief in yourself is a necessity. There will be too many people along the way who will tell you that you can't do it for you not to have complete, "eff you" belief in yourself. If you're looking for someone here to validate your story or validate you as a writer, I think you need to go back to the drawing board - or the mirror.

Also, a good way to approach this board is to read others' work first and comment on it.  I think I read 8-10 things before I got my first read.  Again, as with writing itself, it's called paying your dues.

Just some advice I wish someone had given me ten years ago - good luck,

AJR

Okay, so I felt bad and decided to skim your first few pages...

And yes, the formatting is all wrong and the spelling is bad, but setting that aside for the moment, you have very little going for you in these first pages.  The dialogue reads like a high school play - it's way too trite, on the nose and expository. Shouldn't hit men be reticent to speak about themselves or about anything else for that matter?

Also, you submit as proof that Jack is a "great" hit man some random, dully described killings of what seem like very important people (A mafia "kingpin"? What is this - Spiderman?). Then this great artist can't figure out that the girlfriend is home when he breaks in?

This is where you lose me, on page (actually I don't know what page because it's not paginated) - why wouldn't he just kill the girlfriend instead of telling her "this is what's going to happen"?  There's no way to buy into your premise, so no one will stick around to see whatever twist you have planned.

You need to concentrate first on character - why should we care about Jack?  The fact that he's a great hitman isn't enough. Is he married? Why does he do this? What are his vices (aside from his profession), and more importantly, what is his redeeming quality? Without one, we won't care what happens to him.

Secondly, work on your dialogue. Show more things in the narrative, and tell less things through characters speaking.

Third, you must  come up with a better, plausible reason for Jack to leave the girlfriend alive long enough for the first conversation to happen.  I assume this is the linch pin to whatever else you have planned, so this detail is beyond crucial.

Hope this helps - AJR

AJR

I tried to read this, but gave up. The formatting is just all wrong. I'm not going to give specific examples; it's beyond that. You need to get a book and work through it. Then get this script in a state so that people can start to evaluate and give you feedback on the structure and the dialogue.

From what I read the dialogue was okay. It could be punchier. And there is a bit of a plausibility gap - I don't believe that a hitman is so open. Otherwise the police would set him up and prosecute him in a blink.

I'd like to be able to give you a fuller and more useful review, but I can't until you sort out the formatting. You've written the script - that's the hard bit. Sorting out formatting is easy by comparison...

Best,
Jamie