Burgled by John Keating (jimbob) - Short, Family Comedy - Guy burgles a house. Has a Home Alone feel to it. 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

John,

This was ok. There are a few errors with actual layout, so I would recommend looking through some scripts here to tighten it up. For example, some of the (beat)s are out of place and you have filled your action paragraphs with "unfilmables", so you need to make it leaner and meaner with only active pieces of action that a director can translate to film.

As for the story, it was just a bit too slight. I liked the 3-way perspective you had going on, but you did very little over the course of the 7 pages to give us surprises or what. I kept waiting for something to happen, something to challenge me as a reader. Maybe Anthony can have some form of attachment to Greg or his wife, even Frank, which would give a bit more solidity to proceedings.

Probably the main weakness was the dialogue, it just didn't feel like something people would say, IMO. The exchanges between Greg and his wife was ok, albeit too 'on the nose' but once Frank and the cops came into play it just felt it was a little rushed.

All that said, it's good to get scripts up and to be productive, so keep 'em coming.

Andrew

Hey Andrew, sorry about the long delay in replying.

Thanx for the review. Yeah I definately need to work on tightening up the script, and getting rid of unfilmables etc. I'm not even aware of some of the errors I'm making so I hope I'll catch on to them the more I write. I was trying to be more direct with my desriptions for the most part.

I'm glad you liked the 3 way perspective. I had just read 'Get Shorty' by Elmore Leonard and I liked the way that he had chapters told from different perspectives of the people involved. I was trying to incorporate that into the script.

The other thing that I have been thinking about is not trying too hard to throw twists  into my scripts but rather just letting a story unravel in some way that's interesting. But I can't quite get the hang of it.

Yeah I agree parts of the dialogue are weak. I actually thought that Greg and Marcy's dialogue was weaker than the dialogue with the cops. I didn't mind my dialogue with Frank and the cops that much.

Much appreciated
John

John,

I quite liked this. It was an easy and fun read, though a little of the action could be more succinct.  Loved Frank and the kids from hell. Frank has some great lines. Something about the fact that the house was in darkness, and the way the couple were arguing, and reacted to hearing a noise made me think, at first, that these guys were having an affair while Frank had the kids out but I was wrong,

Anthony comes across, or it is implied, in the beginning as being very professional, finding this place a soft target, but by the end we learn this is his 6th arrest. Perhaps some small indication that he's more jittery as he first approaches the house,. I think you could expand it a bit more once the kids arrive back, show the demons they are,  maybe they even rob him, and have him try a few more ways to be invisible, rather than simply stand in the corner.

best,

h