The Pitch by Vincent Manor (shogunassassin) - Short, Comedy - A man races against time to thwart... Oh wait, I thought I was some else...  13 pages - pdf, format 8)

In the logline, shouldn't it say "Oh wait, I thought I was someone else..." Just a heads up.

~Zack~

Quoted from Zack In the logline, shouldn't it say "Oh wait, I thought I was someone else..." Just a heads up. ~Zack~

Dad, you can't drive with out a license...

I'm gonna try anyway...  It's working,  it's working!

I can fix this logline for you, but I cannot decipher if you are acknowledging the error or mocking Zack.  Let me know.

I just read your script. Is this a joke?

Hey Vincent,

Sorry dude, this one went over my head.  I was willing to role with one manic character, but when you added the actor I kind of didn't get it.  Anyway, made a few notes of typos below.  Hope that helps.  Good luck.


P. 3 - They quickly take up strategic locations around the office. ignoring Richard as they search the room for danger.  Think you need to re-work these sentences.

P. 3 - The three secret service types re-enter, surrounding HAROLD, a in his forties, wearing dark sunglasses and covering his face.  Rogue A.

P. 3 –“ Richard walks back and sits in his desk.” S/B sits at his desk I believe.

P. 5 – “He grabs Harold by the shouldersa spins his around and looks him in the face.”

P. 7 – “Ricahrd stares at Sheryl.” Spelling on Richard.

Craig

This is terrible, I'm sorry to say.

The writing itself is very poor.  Tons and tons of grammatical errors, typos, you name it, it's in here.

The humor, if that's what it's supposed to be is completely lost on me.  I literally am wondering if this is some kind of sick joke, being played on the innocent eyes of would be readers.

As Zack correctly pointed out, the logline is absolutely terrible.

Looking forward to hearing some response from you on what the Hell is going on here.

Thank you for the replies everyone...

Ok first things last...

The logline...  I was going for a "set the tone" kind of thing.   That was obviously not the right thing to do, but at the same time it grabbed you enough to read it...

To Craig...  Thank you for the specifics.  I appreciate the time you gave for feedback.  If there is anything I can proof in return let me know.  Obviously I am not a professional, but an extra set of eyes can't hurt, right?

I expected the "I didn't get it" response, as humour is very subjective and I model my stylings after Python, Kids in the hall, Mr. Show...  The more random the better I say...

Question for y'all...

Format... Any problems there?

Thank you, and hope to hear back.