Northgate Run by Gregory Kerrick (DirectorG13) - Drama - Three men, who's lives have been deeply affected by violence, collide in a game of cat-and-mouse after the brutal death of a young, pregnant woman.  115 pages - pdf, format 8)

This is my first feature screenplay... it's a first draft. I just wanted some thoughts on where it could improve... if you have the time, I'd greatly appreciate it.

I'll try to be as gentle as possible with the new child you have unleashed upon the world. Firstly, well done on finishing your first feature. Now, for I hope will prove to be some constructive criticism:

This first block of action:

"Damp. Quiet. Empty. The college apartment community
parking lot is largely unoccupied. Majority of the
apartments themselves are dark. Uninhabited."

You repeat the same thing 3 times, empty, unoccupied, uninhabited. This doesn't lend itself well to advancing the action. You're also telling us as opposed to showing us how the place is empty.

"They enter the closed computer cafe connected to the main office." I get what you're trying to say, but it doesn't read well. If it's closed how do they enter? Think about things visually.

Aviod the personal direction. This should read like a spec/reading script.

This bit doesn't make any sense:

"Jeremy locks it with the master key." followed by "Marcus stepping back. Building momentum. He kicks the door open across from Christian." Somebody has been shot. The adreneline would be coursing through these guys veins. Yet one takes out a key to lock a door and the other guy makes as much noise as possible and kicks a door down. Difference in character, sure, but over all sense?

He looks up at his laptop, re-reading his words from last night: Blank. The cursor repeatedly blinks. A writer’s arch nemesis.
You're back to telling us the story as opposed to showing it. How are we to know he's a writer? He could be a computer programmer, browsing the net, reading an assignment, writing an essay etc, but ultimately who cares? Block's of action don't include what characters are thinking, or what you are either.

You could cut about 30 pages from your script.

As badbaz has pointed out, just completing a script is something to be proud of.

But this does read a lot like a first draft - You've got a lot of ideas in it, but none of them are really fleshed out or thought through enough yet. None of the characters felt like real people. And the dialogue is incredibly over-the-top and cliched in places.

Reading through left me with a lot of questions:

Why was Jeremy involved with the break-ins when he was clearly so uncomfortable with the whole thing?

Why did Christian suddenly turn psycho? The scene with the parents seems to suggest that he has a dark past - but that's never looked into. (Perhaps develop that and get rid of the John stuff, which really just repeats a lot of the Marcus/Jeremy relationship). Why was he so quick to believe an anonymous phone call?

Why is Marcus robbing apartments? And would someone really target their own apartment block for serious theft? Why did the police suspect him simply because he'd been seen going through the trash?

Roy's/Sean's storyline also didn't work for me. His involvement with the Marcus/Christian story felt far too coincidental. You need to work on making these plotlines more connected - or drop one and focus on the other. I didn't buy his relationship with Mariebelle - it just seemed to happen because you wanted it to.

The shoot-out at the end was incredibly forced - the two plots just happened to bring everyone together at the same time? And Marcus saving Roy/Sean was a real cliche.

If you're looking for pointers for writing the second draft I'll offer this: Develop the characters until they seem and act like real people, then look at nailing down the plot so that it emerges more naturally from who these people are, rather than being imposed on them.

You're both very on point. I've just completed my third screenplay and I've learned quite a bit since this draft. Like you said, the plot dictates the character's choices in this script, when it should be the other way around. I'm working on a second draft and completely restructuring this guy. I really appreciate the criticisms. It's very very helpful. Thanks so much for your time!