Nightmare by Gregory Kerrick (DirectorG13) - Short, Drama - A struggling, young married couple find themselves stuck after they learn that Kate, the wife, is pregnant but unwilling to have the child. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

Experimental short for me... thoughts are welcomed... the film's pretty different from the script... thanks for any time you can spare to read it.

Teaser Trailer: Nightmare from Gregory Kerrick on Vimeo.

Gregory, I haven't read the script, but the teaser looks really cool.

High production value, cool music, well edited.

Did you film it yourself?

Just read your script but haven't watched the film yet. It's not a bad effort but I also think it could be cleaned up a bit. There's no need to underline your scene headings or have double dashes, I would just use the standard way of formatting them.

You have quite a few instances of passive verbs, a lot of people will hammer you if you have too many of those in your script. Your writing style is pretty sparse and to the point and works well in this story.

Some of the dialogue feels a bit on the nose, I think it could be improved. I was also wondering why these issues are only being discussed now by two people who are married. Surely topics as big as this would have been brought up earlier.

I don't get your ending at all. Not sure what Kate's dream is supposed to represent and not sure what happens after that. All of a sudden we are outside the house and you have 'Kate lunges across the table at each other'. This makes no sense. And then does she kill David? Why? Or is this a dream too? Sorry but this is really confusing. I'm not sure what your point is here or what you are trying to say.

For what it's worth the logline feels a little clunky. Having 'Kate, the wife' seems redundant. I would have gone with something like 'A young woman's reluctance to bear her child causes deadly friction between her and her husband.'

Not a bad effort overall, I will check out the film and see how it translates.

Cheers,
Tim.

Gregory,

There's a fairly meaty undertone to this piece. Responsibility is at the core of it, of course. I like the themes you tackled. That said, the recurring dreams as a means of expressing their own feelings left me feeling a little unsatisfied. The main reason for that is owing to their unresolved issue, which kind of left the story as unnecessary, really.

The trailer was a good snapshot of how you visualise this, and maybe your intentions come across better on film.

Andrew

Tommy P:

Yes, sir. Basically, it was me and two actors. No crew. Minimal lighting equipment. Thanks for the kind words on the trailer.

Trojan:

Yeah, the underlining business helped a lot during shooting, to be quite honest. I wrote it with every intention of shooting shortly after. So the underlines helped me from missing a slugline...

Yeah, I'm with you on the dialog. When we shot the film, it felt too on the nose. Too expository. Too... convenient. Definitely could use improvement as is and what we shot is different from what I wrote. But I definitely see what you're saying and agree.

Yeah, I can see where a lot of it can come across confusing... good points. I think they come across far better on screen than anything and I'd love for you to check out the finished product. I'll post it when it's finished for your thoughts.

Greatly appreciate your time and thoughts!

Andrew:

I'd definitely love to hear your thoughts on the film when it's complete. I'll post it on the site when its finished. Thanks for taking the time to read it and give me your thoughts.

Gregory

First off, the trailer look great, man, slick, very professional . So much so, it compelled me to read the script.

Besides a few typo's I really dig your prose, very direct, to the point and above all  extremely effective. Really sets the mood of the piece and gets inside the characters mindset without them even talking. David following the trail of blood literally had me on the edge of my seat, which doesn’t happen too often when reading scripts, superbly written and perfectly paced.

Great opening scene, drags you in straight away, sets the eerie, tension filled atmosphere that maintains for the duration of the script.

The first conversation is pretty long, clocking in at over 5 pages but its got a lively intensity to it and is reasonably authentic sounding for the most part. One criticism which could be levelled at it is that it may be a bit too on the nose in places but overall I reckon its still pretty strong and engaging.

Loved the cut to the dream sequences, very creepy, unsettling. The image of Kate in the white dress in the garden reminded me of "Requiem For A Dream" with Marion standing at the end of the jetty in Harry's dreams while David's nighmare had me thinking about the closing scenes of "Revolutionary Road".

I was confused by the final shot, as the scene heading states EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT but it appears that they are at the dinner table. So I gather we are looking in through the window? It works ok but possibly a bit too abrupt, even a little “seen-it-before” doesn’t really do the rest of the piece justice, in my opinion. But at the same time I get  that you are going for a shocking last image. I can just visualise a short, sharp jolt of dramatic music inserted there right before cutting to black.

Overall there is a lot in here I like, again I really admired your prose, those 11 pages simply flew by.

I look forward to see how the film turns out, best of luck with it.

Col.

Alot of plaudits have been heap on you concerning your teaser trailer and yes it is a fine piece of film. Unfortunately, not everyone here has the luxury of showing their script as a finished piece and since this is a website/forum on scripts, I'll have to judge your work on the merits of it's script.

Before I do that, I'll address a point you made: 'what we shot is different from what I wrote'. There in lies a dilemma with many writers/directors. Take the analogy of an architect. The medium by which he conveys his ideas for a building is a set of orthogonal drawings, plan, end view and elevation, or to use the industry nomenclature, blueprints. It's the only way he can set his ideas down and everyone else can follow them. So what I'm saying is, while you might have great ideas and visions, don't assume that you can change them to the way they should be when it's time to shoot. As a writer, you'll be judged on how clear and easy to follow your blueprints are.

I thought your script had great visionary appeal, but like some other people who have commented and you said yourself, I found the dialouge very hard to digest. It was day time tv soap territory or the climax of a play, but didn't work in your short and made the characters sound very cliche and 2D. I'd have prefered to see you move with the same flow of images to convey the theme, the isolation between the two characters. Eating dinner in seperate rooms, watching TV in seperate rooms, looking to empty spaces, the  depressed pregant woman looking into a mirror while rubbing her stomach and imagining herself before she was pregnant and happy, the lonely man imaging himself playing with his son in the yard etc.

The end, I found confusing. I don't know from what you've written what idea your trying to get across?

I'd like to see the finished the film and more importantly, the finshed script that accompanies it.

I basically just didn't understand this.  You have a sort of psychological thriller wrapped around an overly wordy drama.  Moreover, I don't understand David's impulse to kill Kate in the beginning.  I don't understand Kate's killing him in the end.  The dreams feel completely irrelevant.

What are you trying to say with this?  What is David's objective and why?  To convince his wife to have the child?  I'm sorry, I'm pro-choice; I can't sympathize with that.  I think it makes him an incredibly unlikable main character.  If she's not ready to be a mother, then forcing her into it just seems stupid.

Your trailer looks damn cool, crisp and clean. Having said that I didn't think too much of the script. I sorta dozed off when they were arguing back and forth about their unhappyness with eachother. But I think the film will be better than the script. I understood what you were trying to do and maybe it's simply conveyed better on film. Best of luck on the film though :D

Here's the final film. Give me your thoughts, gentlemen. Thank you!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOcNqxkLQic

DGT,

Nay bad. Nay bad at all.

I realise I'm not watching pros here. However, thought it was pretty good. All things considered. Not a bad start at all. Oh no. So. Keep at it.

R

Congrats DirectorG13...

I enjoyed this one.  I read you script when it was first posted but didn't comment.  Wish I had now.

I thought you did very well in bringing your vision to life.

Good stuff

Ghostwriter

Okay, so the script was good. I loved it.


However, because directing is more of a thing I take interest in, the way you changed the script into the film was incredible.

I mean, I know this is a screenwriting forum, but your film was incredibly made.


:) 10 out of 10 for the film,

8 out of 10 for the script

I thought both the film and the script were impressive.

I read the script after watching the film and preferred it to be honest. There was a bit more to grasp onto. You could still understand everything that happened in the film, but it was less clear. For instance the part where she saw herslef as she would have been without David was extremely clear and effective in the script version...in the film version I didn't fully connect with it. I didn't make the connection that the house was different and that he had never been there.

Good stuff though. I enjoyed your earlier work as well when you poseted tham and asked for scripts.

Did you get many replies? I was surprised that more people didn't respond after I saw the quality of your work.

Hey decadence,

I did get some replies actually. Haven't had any time to make them or even consider making them. I'd love to direct and shoot someone else's script. Just no time.

Thanks for watching it and the kind words as well as the criticisms.

Thanks again everyone for taking the time to look at the film and script.

Nightmare from Epicest Pictures on Vimeo.

Other link went down. Sorry.

Greg

Great job with the finished film. I loved the script and I remembered the teaser trailer piquing my interest. I particularly liked the exterior images of Kate, wonderful use of colour and tone in those shots, creepy stuff too.

However, I'd have to agree with a comment on YouTube that the dialogue came of echoed at times but other then that the sound design was top notch, mixed with an interesting visual style and camera angles plus a genuinely unnerving script.

Well done.

Col.