Greenwich, New York by Miles Trahan  - Drama - A former cop who plays at being a private detective finds his life reinvigorated by a potential homicide case that lands at his doorstep, bringing with it an alluring blond and the promise of a heavy payday. Over the next five days as it becomes clear the case is more than it seems, our reluctant hero finds his small, meager existence threatened and seeks exile from a city that has long since turned against him. 93 pages - pdf, format 8)

PLOT SPOILERS

Much applause, first of all, much in this script is very entertaining.

There's so much texture in the descriptions and directions that my first thought is to just turn this script into a prose piece or maybe an old fashioned radio drama.

While I was reading the script I was thinking that somehow the voice overs could be replaced by having a buddy or partner that John could talk to (to give the audience the information needed to move the story along) but as the story moves further toward nightmare it's clear that the audience should only hear John's thoughts, straight from him.

I think the dialogue is terrific; brief, believable, funny and distinct.  

My only suggestion as far as production goes (and I speak from no experience at all) is to let the audience see the City two ways -- slip back and forth from the bleak world that John inhabits to the relatively grand, productive City that one gets a glimpse of on Chamber of Commerce advertisements.

I say this only because if the audience feels like it's inevitable that the City will swallow up the hero then, that's nothing new -- but if it can be clear that John is the one pushing his life from garbage pile to garbage pile, leaving the sun lit moments of hope or human interaction far behind him, by choice, then something of the sweet, sorry, funny, heroic, unique story of your central character can shine through.  Again, applause, from this reader.

i like how for a script under the 'drama' field,it has some laughs in it, and i'm not a big fan for voice overs lol, but its a good write, keep it up

Thank you both for the comments, first of all.

cm hall: I actually originally had it written to show the "brighter" side of the city in the third act, when John crosses paths with a young girl who reminds him of his daughter at a bar. After thinking it over and polishing this draft, though, it felt a little hollow and I didn't quite nail what I was going for, so I rewrote it to leave where John ends up (and in what condition) fairly ambiguous. In the end I think it definitely reads better, if nothing else. Also the idea I'm running with here as far as showing the "other side" of the city is not so much to make it seem like such a twisted and macabre place, but rather to underline the fact that John's story is merely one in a city full of interesting people with stories of their own. Most particularly with the "argument" between the passengers on the train; while certainly not bright and cheery I would hope it reinforces the fact that John's experience is rather isolated and shows just how disconnected he is from what's going on around him; merely bouncing off of other people with stories of their own. Hope that explains what I was going for; if not I understand, I'm really rambling here and kind of confusing myself in the process.

"the idea I'm running with here as far as showing the "other side" of the city is not so much to make it seem like such a twisted and macabre place, but rather to underline the fact that John's story is merely one in a city full of interesting people with stories of their own"

yes, exactly -- that's exactly the impression that I would want the audience to feel,  and I think you achieve that throughout the script, I guess I was just worried about the ending -- which just shows that you made the characters so interesting that worry is generated in the reader -- and congratulations again, for a very entertaining script.